FMIL's dress

SaraElizabeth7 · January 2012

hi fellow brides!

we are getting married 9/22 and recently, my fmil showed me a dress that she had bought to wear to the wedding---it is pretty, but it is also a creamy white/ivory color!

i am shocked and appalled, i thought everyone knew that it's not appropriate to wear white to another woman's wedding. i didn't know what to say and it hasn't come up since, but i need to find a way to approach it. i also have two dresses-ceremony/dinner and 9pm party time, and now she is talking about getting two. i don't mind that i guess, as long as one isn't white!

thanks for any advice!

VeggieLove1022 · January 2012

Do you have an otherwise good relationship with her? I would let FI deal with it if it really is bothering you.

baystateapple · January 2012

I'd let FI deal with it. I'd be irritated too, but unfortunately you can't tell his mother what she can and cannot wear.

If she decides to go ahead and wear it, even after FI said something to her, then she's going to look silly at the wedding and people might talk. But that's not on you, it's on her.

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

Definitely let your FI handle this. "Hey Mom, I heard you have a dress for the wedding, can I see it? Gee Mom, you realize that dress is white, yes? And you know I'm not marrying you, yes?"

baystateapple · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmils-dress-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1748f7f-9ed5-4476-9d9e-efcaa8b0b010Post:e3f0f464-0a63-4ae0-be18-ccc73917619d">Re: FMIL's dress</a>:
[QUOTE]Definitely let your FI handle this. "Hey Mom, I heard you have a dress for the wedding, can I see it? Gee Mom, you realize that dress is white , yes? And you know I'm not marrying you, yes?"
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

*snort*

mari0225 · January 2012

You could have your FI talk to her, but she is an adult so you can't tell her what not to wear, but yes it would look badly on her and not you.

mari0225 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmils-dress-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1748f7f-9ed5-4476-9d9e-efcaa8b0b010Post:e3f0f464-0a63-4ae0-be18-ccc73917619d">Re: FMIL's dress</a>:
[QUOTE]Definitely let your FI handle this. "Hey Mom, I heard you have a dress for the wedding, can I see it? Gee Mom, you realize that dress is white , yes? And you know I'm not marrying you, yes?"
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Haha I like that way.

Wiscisbliss · January 2012

My MIL wore bright white to our wedding. I was wearing ivory. Was I annoyed at first? Yes. Did I even notice that day? No.

I might just let this one go.

MyUserName1 · January 2012

Agree with Steph. You can't say anything, but someone ought to make sure that she is aware that she's committing a faux pas.

baystateapple · January 2012

Even if you don't notice it the day of, someone is going to, and that someone is going to talk.

H and I went to his cousin's wedding back in October. There was a woman there (I have no idea who she was, I think a cousin of the groom?) wearing a bright white, floor-length, prom-looking dress. It was definitely not a wedding dress, but everyone was talking about it. When I mentioned it to the bride a month or so later, she said she hadn't noticed it, but apparently everyone else had, and they were all bitching about it.

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmils-dress-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1748f7f-9ed5-4476-9d9e-efcaa8b0b010Post:c6ee9bb3-3fe8-4d9a-bc0a-5d1ffba50a4c">Re: FMIL's dress</a>:
[QUOTE]My MIL wore bright white to our wedding. I was wearing ivory. Was I annoyed at first? Yes. Did I even notice that day? No. I might just let this one go.
Posted by Wiscisbliss[/QUOTE]

Oh Wisc, that's just.... ick (of your MIL, I mean). The thing I really don't understand about it is, it's not hard to find a pretty dress that isn't white, and most people look best in pretty much any color except for white. It's not like asking someone to not wear navy blue, KWIM?

SaraElizabeth7 · January 2012

Thanks girls, we do have a good relationship aside from this and I guess I just don't understand anyone who would do this, but you are all very much right that she will be the one getting the glance and not me on the big day.

I like StephBean's approach, and the FI has said he will talk to her about it, but at first I thought it was something I *should* do. It just boggles me because my BMs are wearing black and the only accent color we have is a dark eggplant purple, so she could basically wear anything she wants!

I think I will let the FI handle this--he was irritated that I was harping about it so much, but I'm not sure if he understands why I am so frustrated since he isn't the bride!

SaraElizabeth7 · January 2012

Also--I have shared this with my BMs and they are all saying similar things, like "she is going to be talked about!!" "people will make fun of her for this!" And I mean, I care about her so I don't want that either--in general she has said a lot of things about the wedding that upset me (It's my day to shine, I'm queen for the day), but I don't want her to be the punchline of a joke either.

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmils-dress-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1748f7f-9ed5-4476-9d9e-efcaa8b0b010Post:cac12eb9-a27e-4227-98b4-f48f628cb15e">Re: FMIL's dress</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks girls, we do have a good relationship aside from this and I guess I just don't understand anyone who would do this, but you are all very much right that she will be the one getting the glance and not me on the big day. I like StephBean's approach, and the FI has said he will talk to her about it, but at first I thought it was something I *should* do. It just boggles me because my BMs are wearing black and the only accent color we have is a dark eggplant purple, so she could basically wear anything she wants! I think I will let the FI handle this--he was irritated that I was harping about it so much, but I'm not sure if he understands why I am so frustrated since he isn't the bride!
Posted by SaraElizabeth7[/QUOTE]

Have you explained to him that his mother is essentially attempting to wear a wedding dress to his wedding? I'm pretty sure that should squick him out enough to get his attention.

september's bride · January 2012

MIL initially bought a really pretty cream/champagne dress for our wedding, and was told by a friend-of-the-family that it was in really poor taste to wear white to a wedding. MIL's cultural traditions never included a taboo on white dresses to a wedding, and people apparently wore white to weddings as a sign of joy and support for the bride. In any case, she felt terrible and went out and bought a blue dress instead, which wasn't nearly as nice, and which she didn't love. I felt bad about that, and wish she had worn the dress she bought in the first place because she clearly really liked it.

Point being, it's just a dress, and the symbolism of someone else wearing white is what you ascribe to it. Nobody will confuse who the bride is. Not that I don't understand the taboo - I was raised that it was bad to wear white to a wedding, too - but I guess I just don't see it as that big of a deal. It's only clothing, and not worth picking a fight over.

baystateapple · January 2012

September makes a good point. This really isn't a hill to die on. If your FMIL has her heart set on wearing this dress, and she's aware that people are going to talk about her (and doesn't care), you really shouldn't let it spoil your wedding day. Nobody's going to be paying that much attention to her. It IS all going to be about you and your FI. Don't become so obsessed and irritated that it ruins your wedding day.

aragx6 · January 2012

I honestly would have your FI talk to her and frame it as "I just don't want people to say shiit about you behind your back at the wedding, mom." Because they will. I would.

Edit: but I also agree with others -- if she aware of what she's doing and wants to do it anyway, leave it alone. It will only reflect poorly on her; I think it looks pretty pathetic actually -- like she can't let go.

MyUserName1 · January 2012

September, OP isn't picking a fight with her though.

It seems clear to me that she's also concerned with people talking smack about her FMIL, it's not her going "BUT I'M A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE, IT'S GOING TO RUIN MY BIG DAY. WAAAAH"

september's bride · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmils-dress-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1748f7f-9ed5-4476-9d9e-efcaa8b0b010Post:1bff07c8-b5cf-439b-80b7-55467535afb0">Re: FMIL's dress</a>:
[QUOTE]September, OP isn't picking a fight with her though. It seems clear to me that she's also concerned with people talking smack about her FMIL, it's not her going "BUT I'M A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE, IT'S GOING TO RUIN MY BIG DAY. WAAAAH"
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

I realize she's not picking a fight over it, and maybe I chose my words poorly, but my feeling is that a white dress isn't that big of a deal and not worth fussing over. I can't imagine feeling the need to sit down (or have my H sit down) and discuss a parent's choice of clothing for their son/daughter's wedding. I choose to believe that if you're an adult, you can make your own choices and deal with the fallout of those choices as well. I'm just not into micromanaging stuff like that, even if it's out of concern that someone might gossip about my MIL's choice of clothing.

VeggieLove1022 · January 2012

I would just have FI mention what aragx said. People will talk about her if she wears the white and I would ask FI to just casually bring it up.

MyUserName1 · January 2012

I also don't think it's a big deal.

However, I do wonder if she might not be aware of that people might say. If my FMIL chose a white dress, out of CONCERN, FI would mention it. If that didn't click, it would be dropped.

But if I were about to make a dress choice that people would find rude, I'd like to know.

SaraElizabeth7 · January 2012

To clarify: She bought the dress on a whim, she literally saw it at the end of a rack, it was on sale and so she bought it. It is a couple sizes too big, and she has said, "I think I will end up wearing it because I'm just not finding anything else..." even though she hasn't looked anywhere else besides Macy's and Nordstrom. I told her we should go to an actual bridal store to look since she has said other places (see above) only have slutty dresses. My guess is that she just isn't looking in the right place for an age-appropriate dress. She has a lot of conditions (jacket) that department stores don't necessarily carry.

To this point, I have not heard her say, "I just love this dress, this is THE dress.", etc. so I don't feel awful about thinking she should/could wear something different. My personal opinion is that there are a lot of other colors out there that are more flattering and because of the colors for our wedding, she could wear any of them! She has expressed interest in a light brown/cafe au lait type color too, which I'm sure we could find.

SaraElizabeth7 · January 2012

MyUserName, I agree, I personally would want to know if I was about to make that choice too. The thing is, she probably doesn't care.

aragx6 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmils-dress-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1748f7f-9ed5-4476-9d9e-efcaa8b0b010Post:f650bfad-39bc-4c76-b0b2-a4984046694a">Re: FMIL's dress</a>:
[QUOTE]MyUserName, I agree, I personally would want to know if I was about to make that choice too. The thing is, she probably doesn't care.
Posted by SaraElizabeth7[/QUOTE]

If she really doesn't care then I wouldn't give it a second thought. Don't let it bother you -- not a hill worth dying on IMO.

MyNameIsNot · January 2012

How creamy is it?

Maybe she's trying to "wear beige and shut up."

Wiscisbliss · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmils-dress-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1748f7f-9ed5-4476-9d9e-efcaa8b0b010Post:4395762e-7e60-42fa-bcea-f93fca7d2b25">Re: FMIL's dress</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL's dress : Oh Wisc, that's just.... ick (of your MIL, I mean). The thing I really don't understand about it is, it's not hard to find a pretty dress that isn't white, and most people look best in pretty much any color except for white. It's not like asking someone to not wear navy blue, KWIM?
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

The most irritating thing was the store clerk told her not to buy it and to get another color... but that is what she wanted and said I wouldn't care.

Wiscisbliss · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmils-dress-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1748f7f-9ed5-4476-9d9e-efcaa8b0b010Post:ca89163a-5bfa-40a5-8bb0-45e076ffa6df">Re: FMIL's dress</a>:
[QUOTE]How creamy is it? Maybe she's trying to "wear beige and shut up."
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

I thought that as well.

Can you post a pic of the dress?

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

Okay, you have the perfect opportunity to get her out of the white dress without it turning into a big to-do, since the dress doesn't fit her anyway. FI (or you, if you have a good relationship with her and feel comfortable doing this) could suggest that you and FMIL go shopping together to look for a dress that's "more flattering." Then, just steer her to not-white.

Also, I'm surprised she's not finding "age appropriate" looks at Macy's and Nordstrom - my mom actually didn't want a dress with a jacket, and had a hard time finding something that didn't come with a boxy jacket at Macy's. If she tries shopping again soon, she should be able to find something, since Macy's should start putting out all of the "Easter suits" any day now.

chumlee7478 · January 2012

If she was in love with the dress, and literally couldn't find anything to wear, I'd let it go. It reflects on her, and not on you. I am not a judgey mcjudgeypants, but I have to say, I do a double take when I see women who aren't the bride wearing white or ivory at a wedding. It may not be a faux pas in another cultures or situations, but I was raised that you don't do that. I never would. Then again, to my mother and others in my family wearing red or black to a wedding is an insult, and my bridsemaids are wearing black and I'm wearing red in a wedding later this year because in the bride's culture, you wear red to celebrate.

If your FI talks to her and it doesn't "sink in" with her, then I'd let it go. If you normally have a great relationship with her, this isn't a battle to fight. If you're concerned people will talk about her behind her back, let your FI know that concern so he can pass it along. Otherwise, smile and ignore it on the wedding day.

Habs2Hart · January 2012

Different approach maybe?

"Mom, Sara is concerned that you are settling on a dress that you don't like and she really thinks that you can find something you'll feel and look fabulous in. Why don't you two go shopping together and I'm sure you'll come up with something you'll just be beaming in."

Stay away from the "you can't wear white" thing and gear it towards wanting to make her feel like it's all about her and you want her to feel fabulous.

SaraElizabeth7 · January 2012

I can't find a picture of the dress--but it is in the family of ivory whites with some gold threading near the bust, and what I would describe as some golden sheen when the light hits it (picture a creamy white taffeta?) I can say with confidence that it's not a light brown or has any shades of that in it.

She definitely doesn't call it white/cream/ivory--she says it's beige or champagne, but then when she shows me what she thinks is beige I would call it a different color. I think there is a lot to be said about the idea that this isn't worth any more trouble. My thought it is that we will go dress shopping together, and I will bring my sister for a third opinion, because she is only 10 years younger than FMIL. (My own Mom just had heart surgery and can't go, otherwise she'd be there to look at options too.)

I have a feeling that the ladies at my bridal shop will auto-steer her from these colors, so we'll see what happens. If she really doesn't find anything else, then she can wear it and do whatever. She has had about a million negative things to say about the entire wedding, our plans for the future, and even my weight--I don't think she says any of it intentionally but she has no filter. If this dress will keep her quiet and let her think it's her magical day then she can have it, and I will hope that for her sake no one gets drunk and says anything that night!

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