MOH Etiquette - Poll

whits900 · January 2010

Last week, out of the blue, my MOH calls me to ask if I want her to step down as MOH since she doesn't like my FI. WTF!?!?!!? I know they've never seen eye to eye, but to lay that on me two and a half months prior to the wedding seemed a bit rude and class-less, and truthfully, very hurtful (I don't give a s*&t if she likes FI or whatever, but to actually suggest steping down as my MOH?!?! As if she doesn't support it at all?) There's obviously a lot more to the conversation, but don't want to make the post too long (and no, it's not becasue of anything like my FI mistreats me or whatever, she's just one of those people that loves or hates someone, even without cause) - just interested to see what you guys would do.

So:

betrothed123 · January 2010

I definitely would not kick her out immediately. I'd try to get down to the bottom of it and see what can be worked out. I also don;t think I'd look at it as you kicking her out, though, because she offered to step down.

Nebb · January 2010

Need more back story. I dont believe she just DOESNT like him, explain more please.

betrothed123 · January 2010

I have to ditto Nebb there, which is why I think more conversation needs to happen. There has to be some reason for her not to like him.

SarahSmile23 · January 2010

i choose none of the above. i'd allow her to step down because she obviously doesn't feel very comfortable being the MOH for a wedding she doesn't support. i'd ask her if she would still like to be a bridesmaid. if so, i'd probably proceed with no MOH and with my previous MOH as a BM. she is probably dreading giving a speech at the wedding, etc, but would probably be happy to support you as a BM.

beatlesgirl25 · January 2010

Ditto betrothed dittoing nebb, plus betrothed's first response.

ring_pop · January 2010

I wouldn't kick her out but it's her prerogative to step down if she doesn't want to stand up for the wedding. Sounds like she's telling you that she wants to quit.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2010

This is really odd. What exactly has happened between them?

ohwhynot · January 2010

Ditto Sarah - she's asking to step down. Resigning, as it were, not being fired.

Actually, I'd value her honesty and integrity for doing so.

SarahSmile23 · January 2010

I would also value her honesty in doing this. It was probably very difficult for her to approach you. She wants to step down. It sounds like it's too much pressure on her to be expected to toast a relationship she doesn't believe in.

Moneypenny424 · January 2010

When I voted, I thought she had resigned, not that she was asking you if you wanted her to resign. In that case, I guess you need to talk to her about it. If there really isn't a reason and she's creating drama unnecessarily, then perhaps I'd reconsider.

eastunder1 · January 2010

There HAS to be back story here. What, specifically, has he done to make her not like him? I don't think your (presumably) best friend would risk your relationship speaking up just because she can't stand his taste in music or thinks he farts too much. Has he hit you? Cheated on you? Disrespects you or other people? Can't hold a job? There has to be something actual and big going on here.

I agree too that there is a level of respectability to having the balls to say something instead of just going along with a wedding she doesn't support. I admire her for that.

I also agree that a lot of the concern may be over the toast and essentially lying when she makes it. If you and her both would like her to remain knowing what you know, possibly consider skipping it?

whits900 · January 2010

Ok - I'll give a little more backstory. I've known FI for 7 years before we started dating, and MOH met him a few times and they didn't get really along. No particular reason, she just thought he was weird and he thought she was a b*tch (which really, she is). Since we've been dating and engaged, we have all gotten together a few times, and they still don't really like each other. FI especially dislikes her DH, because honestly, he stares a lot at me and it makes FI very uncomfortable (and me too, but oh well). MOH noticed FI's dislike for her DH and it only made her dislike FI more. Nothing has ever directly happened between them. MOH is just a very judgemental person and typically doesn't like most people. (She doesn't really like any of my other friends, her in-laws, or her DH's friends either)

At MOH's wedding, her MOH talked a lot of crap behind her back about what a mistake she was making, and that really upset my MOH and her now DH and she wishes that her MOH had not been there - so she wanted to give me the option.

I have spoken to her - at length - about what she offered (to step down) and asked her why she would make such an offer. Was it because she really disliked him SO much that she wasn't even willing to stand up for us (or even just me) on our wedding day? Basically it just came down to that she wanted to give us the choice since she was so unhappy that her MOH didn't support her.

The choice part of it was fine. But I asked her if she felt the same way - that she didn't support it so much that she wanted to step down. I asked if she could just be happy for me and still stand up there and be ok. Basically, she said that she could be happy for me and still wanted to be the MOH.

But in general, it seems we've been growing apart for a while now and she is getting to be more and more negative about everything and I wasn't even sure I wanted to be friends with her anymore anyway. And no, I don't hardly ever talk to her about the wedding or myself at all (especially since she's always so negative - I think I've tried to talk to her maybe three tmes about it ever) She only talks about herself.

I actually assumed she didn't want to be MOH anymore, but she said she did.

I guess we'll try to work on the friendship, but I'm still pissed about how she approached it.

whits900 · January 2010

Oh - and I never asked her to even make a toast.

I do applaud her for being honest (I totally wouldn't want any firend that lies to me), but there is absolutely no reason for her to feel that strongly about FI. He has never cheated, lied to me, or hurt me in any way. It is totally a personality thing. She just has very strong opinions on everything - even when strong opinions aren't warranted (and yes, we've dicussed all of these issues).

whits900 · January 2010

So in essence - no drama except the one she creates.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2010

Ah well, if that's the case I guess it's just up to you to decide if you want to let this friendship die and be happy with hust your other WP members (assuming you have others), or if you want her to be there and smile through it. I assume she'll be invited as a guest anyway, though? Would you feel awkward having her as a guest if you have her step down?

FutureMrsTR · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-etiquette-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3eb4e973-7cda-4ffb-955b-d6e057331c0aPost:f6ed6704-a309-4aab-8da2-a05e6ff2f584">Re: MOH Etiquette - Poll</a>:
[QUOTE]he thought she was a b*tch (which really, she is).......MOH is just a very judgemental person and typically doesn't like most people. (She doesn't really like any of my other friends, her in-laws, or her DH's friends either) ......... But in general, it seems we've been growing apart for a while now and she is getting to be more and more negative about everything and I wasn't even sure I wanted to be friends with her anymore anyway. And no, I don't hardly ever talk to her about the wedding or myself at all (especially since she's always so negative - I think I've tried to talk to her maybe three tmes about it ever) She only talks about herself. Posted by whits900[/QUOTE]

These parts stood out to me. Why is she your MOH if you think she's a bitch and is so judgmental? Or have you been engaged so long that she's changed? I might let her go if this is how you really feel.

SarahSmile23 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-etiquette-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3eb4e973-7cda-4ffb-955b-d6e057331c0aPost:f6ed6704-a309-4aab-8da2-a05e6ff2f584">Re: MOH Etiquette - Poll</a>:
[QUOTE] At MOH's wedding, her MOH talked a lot of crap behind her back about what a mistake she was making, and that really upset my MOH and her now DH and she wishes that her MOH had not been there - so she wanted to give me the option. I have spoken to her - at length - about what she offered (to step down) and asked her why she would make such an offer. Was it because she really disliked him SO much that she wasn't even willing to stand up for us (or even just me) on our wedding day? Basically it just came down to that she wanted to give us the choice since she was so unhappy that her MOH didn't support her. The choice part of it was fine. But I asked her if she felt the same way - that she didn't support it so much that she wanted to step down. I asked if she could just be happy for me and still stand up there and be ok. Basically, she said that she could be happy for me and still wanted to be the MOH. But in general, it seems we've been growing apart for a while now and she is getting to be more and more negative about everything and I wasn't even sure I wanted to be friends with her anymore anyway. And no, I don't hardly ever talk to her about the wedding or myself at all (especially since she's always so negative - I think I've tried to talk to her maybe three tmes about it ever) She only talks about herself. I actually assumed she didn't want to be MOH anymore, but she said she did. I guess we'll try to work on the friendship, but I'm still pissed about how she approached it.
Posted by whits900[/QUOTE]
I was a BM in a wedding where I didn't like the groom. I made a few snide comments to my husband and to/with another BM after a few drinks. I was almost the MOH in that wedding and was so glad I wasn't!

"I asked if she could just be happy for me and still stand up there and be ok. Basically, she said that she could be happy for me and still wanted to be the MOH. "
This wasn't fair. You really put her on the spot. She can support you without you being your MOH. Being the MOH is a show of support for the couple and for the wedding, not for the bride herself. She can love you to death without wanting to be your MOH. Try not to be emotional about it. She obviously feels guilty being the MOH and thinking negative thoughts about the relationship. Allow her to bow out gracefully and continue to love her. I can't stand one of my best friend's husbands and it doesnt' cause problems with our relationship. We just don't go out on double dates.

whits900 · January 2010

We talked about her just being a BM - she said she still wanted to be MOH, although she would have done whatever I wanted. I basically left it up to her to do what she wanted, and she said as long as I was ok with it, she still wanted to be MOH.

She's been judgemental and a b*itch for as long as I've known her. I was just able to put up with it better I guess (i.e I was a doormat). Plus it seems to be getting worse the older she gets. Less flexible, more "my opinion is the only one that matters". Even without this recent conversation, I don't know how long this friendship would last. (She also tends to get more this way whenever I'm not single any longer - she doesn't like to have to 'compete' for my attention, and so she gets more snarky as time goes on)

Plus, like I said, I don't even want her to give a toast (if she doens't want to) and told her that - she wouldn't have to lie about anything. Just stand there.

I guess I'll give it one last-ditch effort to try and beef up the friendship.

eastunder1 · January 2010

So she is thoughtless, judgemental, and b*tchy, but yet was considerate enough to tackle the terribly awkward topic of her possibly needing to step down as your MOH and was genuinely concerned for your feelings on the matter.

huh.

sucrets4 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-etiquette-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3eb4e973-7cda-4ffb-955b-d6e057331c0aPost:ec5c8113-426d-4ae7-9f60-263fea9d1864">Re: MOH Etiquette - Poll</a>:
[QUOTE]So she is thoughtless, judgemental, and b*tchy, but yet was considerate enough to tackle the terribly awkward topic of her possibly needing to step down as your MOH and was genuinely concerned for your feelings on the matter. huh.
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]

lol eastie.

agk0125 · January 2010

Based on what you've said I don't really understand why you asked her to be your MOH in the first place. It sounds like she's just acting like her usual self so why you're surprised by her actions?

I personally wouldn't have asked someone into the wedding party that didn't like my FI and support my relationship. That would be defeating the purpose IMO.

whits900 · January 2010

I never said she was thoughtless. Selfish. Not the same thing. And we have had a lot of fun together over the years. She isn't all bad.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-etiquette-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3eb4e973-7cda-4ffb-955b-d6e057331c0aPost:a7490a98-de6d-46ef-b1eb-4d84195b3c5b">Re: MOH Etiquette - Poll</a>:
[QUOTE]We talked about her just being a BM - she said she still wanted to be MOH, although she would have done whatever I wanted. I basically left it up to her to do what she wanted, and she said as long as I was ok with it, she still wanted to be MOH. She's been judgemental and a b*itch for as long as I've known her. I was just able to put up with it better I guess (i.e I was a doormat). Plus it seems to be getting worse the older she gets. Less flexible, more "my opinion is the only one that matters". Even without this recent conversation, I don't know how long this friendship would last. (She also tends to get more this way whenever I'm not single any longer - she doesn't like to have to 'compete' for my attention, and so she gets more snarky as time goes on) Plus, like I said, I don't even want her to give a toast (if she doens't want to) and told her that - she wouldn't have to lie about anything. Just stand there. I guess I'll give it one last-ditch effort to try and beef up the friendship.
Posted by whits900[/QUOTE]

Ohhhh, now I know exactly what you mean. She sounds just like one of my ex-friends. For a while, I wanted to keep working on the relationship because of our history and the fun we HAD had, vs. the misery she was causing me in the present.

SarahSmile23 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-etiquette-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3eb4e973-7cda-4ffb-955b-d6e057331c0aPost:9b643e0b-02a8-4394-a1fe-036015763992">Re: MOH Etiquette - Poll</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Etiquette - Poll : Ohhhh, now I know exactly what you mean. She sounds just like one of my ex-friends. For a while, I wanted to keep working on the relationship because of our history and the fun we HAD had, vs. the misery she was causing me in the present.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

for the record, i had a friend like that too and am happy she is no longer in my life. but i certainly wouldn't try to guilt her into being my MOH once I realized how i felt about her! she wanted to drop out of the wedding, i happily accepted her offer, she attended the wedding as a guest, the other bridesmaids were ecstatic, and she and i haven't hung out since. i'm really glad i allowed her to drop out of the wedding.

NuggetBrain · January 2010

Ehhh. I don't think this chick is being all thoughtful and gracious by asking to step down. I think she's being passive-aggressive and putting the bride on the spot. If she wanted to step down and was concerned about upsetting the bride, she would have said "I don't feel comfortable with this, I want to step down." Or even "I just don't feel like I can support this, and I hope you won't be upset with me for stepping down from the MOH position". Not "do you want me to step down because I hate your FI?" That's putting the bride in a horribly awkward position, because she can A) say "no", and go through her wedding day with a MOH that she knows doesn't want to be there, or

say "yes", and awkwardness ensues when the bride is forced to act like everything is hunky dory or the friendship goes down the tubes.

It doesn't sound like your FI has done anything to warrant this girl dropping out 2 months before the wedding. Noodle was a GM in his sister's wedding and he HATED her husband (with very, VERY good reason). But that was his sister, and he didn't see the need to damage that relationship because of something he'd made known already. If she hates your FI enough not to want to be the MOH now, she would have hated him enough not to accept when you offered. Seriously, this screams passive-aggresive bullsh*t to me.

thesuninherhead · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-etiquette-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3eb4e973-7cda-4ffb-955b-d6e057331c0aPost:ec5c8113-426d-4ae7-9f60-263fea9d1864">Re: MOH Etiquette - Poll</a>:
[QUOTE]So she is thoughtless, judgemental, and b*tchy, but yet was considerate enough to tackle the terribly awkward topic of her possibly needing to step down as your MOH and was genuinely concerned for your feelings on the matter. huh.
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE] times two.

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