Minnesota-Minneapolis and St. Paul

Is this rude or just... logical?? (Super long)

So, my mom has a giant family. About 85 people, just counting aunts, uncles, and cousins. They're all very close-knit too. So close-knit, that 98% of them live in the same 40 mile radius. Why is this noteworthy? Because that 40 mile area is all in South Carolina. Yep, my mom is the only one who managed to move away and stay away.

This becomes a wedding-related issue for one reason: a lot of my relatives don't really travel much. They've never really had to. So I'm not expecting a lot of them to drag themselves up to Minnesota for my wedding. In fact, I've already been told that I should only expect about 15 of them to make the trip.

So... here's the pickle I'm in. My venue holds 200 people max. Between my dad's family, and both parts of my FI's family, we have a good 100 or so rekatives that will be more likely to show.

Now, I can't fathom not inviting any of my SC relatives, even the ones I know won't come. However, those 70 empty seats at the wedding could easily be filled by friends, sorority sisters, etc. BUT, I don't want to ASSUME that the estimates are correct and end up inviting too many people. On the offchance that more come than anticipated, the venue could get wayy overfilled wayy fast.

So my idea was this:

Send out invitations to all the relatives (on every side, to be fair) a little on the early side. I was thinking about 12 weeks out, with a relatively early RSVP date. Then, as "no" RSVPs come in, we start sending out slightly invitations to everyone else. After all "everyone else" will be mostly local... so they don't need as much advance notice anyway... since they don't have to make travel arrangements.

This concept had gotten mixed reviews when I brought it up on another board a long time ago... so I wanted to see what you guys thought. Is anyone going to get seriously upset if they find out I had an "A" list and a "B" list? Are there any other flaws with this idea that I'm not thinking of?

Re: Is this rude or just... logical?? (Super long)

  • edited December 2011
    I'd normally completely disagree with an A and B list.  BUT at least you're not planning to split up families or friends between the lists.  If they're all traveling anyway, you can probably send the family invites earlier than normal?  That way your "B" list can still get them at a reasonable time.  Or just explain it to your family and ask them ahead of time?


  • edited December 2011
    My thoughts are similar to PP - Any chance to talk to your family in SC and see who is planning on coming? Almost like an RSVP to a save the date.     
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  • edited December 2011
    I think you need to look at it like a "reverse destination wedding" I've got some great advice from the gals on that board about ways to estimate attendance before your actual RSVP date--from the casual (evite/facebook group), to a more formal STD response of some kind. My favorite would be to put out a call/email to relatives in SC saying your trying to make estimates for hotel blocks (or some other accomodations/events for out of town guests) and would love a gauge on if they feel they will be attending.
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  • edited December 2011
    I have been a B list guest more times than one (or at least I assume - the "I sent you an invitation, did you get it? No? Hmm, it must've gotten lost in the mail" gets fishy after a few times). I was never offended - I figured, heck, at least I made the B list! 

    The only problem you might run into are the RSVP dates. So... 2 different RSVP cards? You'll want to send out your B-list invites by 6-weeks-out at a minimum.

    Also, be prepared to be surprised. A friend is getting married next weekend with a huge out-of-town/out-of-state guest list, and he had a 7% decline rate. Dude.

    And it kind of goes without saying that you shouldn't send a save-the-date to anyone on your B list, just in case you yourself get a 7% decline rate. Eek!

    ETA: Moira's advice is really good!
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  • izzyjenniizzyjenni member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am all for etiquette but in this case, I think it is safe to say that you can do it that way.  Definitely have your mom call her family and ask them well in advance if they are for sure a no or a yes.  Then you can get some sort of estimate.  We did the A and B list but it ended up being more of an A list with like 6 B list people.  I kept moving them over to A once they got wind of the wedding and expected to be invited.  I cut as many as I could but we are still at 245 for guests.  That being said I know that about 40 are not going to come.  Just have your mom be up front with her side and ask. 
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  • edited December 2011
    I think that you should be fine splitting it up. If one of my friends were in your situation, I would totally understand and not feel offended that you had to invite family first and friends second. I guess just be careful if you split your friends into groups. I can imagine some people might be offended by only making the B list. Just make sure that friends in the same social group don't get different RSVP deadlines "Oh shoot! I totally forgot that I have to mail the RSCP by tomorrow!" "What do you mean? The deadline isn't for 2 more weeks." It could get awkward. 

    I also really like Moria's idea about getting an idea for how many people might be coming. 
  • maybe984maybe984 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the back-up everyone. You're all saying exactly what I've been thinking and planning. My mom has been putting out the feelers ever since we announced the engagement to find out who might come... so I'm thinking the current estimates will be fairly accurate. I just don't want to assume that they are and end up like the guy with the 7% decline rate.

    We're also planning a casual reception-ish party sometime after the wedding down in South Carolina... for the people that would really WANT to be there but can't. So, I figure anyone on the fence about coming will probably just wait for that. I might even put an insert in their invitations about that. It's not that I'm trying to discourage anyone from making the trip... but it'll make it more clear-cut for the wafflers.

    On a side note, I'm wondering who voted for "they'll hate you." They didn't speak up! I'd love to hear a vehement viewpont against it. Just to see what I'm up against.


  • edited December 2011
    I think the hotel room block thing is a good idea, we are going to do that for real so we can make sure enough rooms are blocked.

    I also can't see any friends getting mad if you first send out invites to ONLY family, then to friends, how will they ever know? It just gets hard when you are mixing it but it doesn't sound like you are planning on doing that.
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  • maybe984maybe984 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I definitely don't plan on mixing the A List and B List. Family on one, friends on the other. I figure that limits hurt feelings.

    Even if they're friends that I KNOW I will invite either way, they're getting their invitations during the second round. I certainly don't want Sorority Sister A asking Sorority Sister B "Oh, have you turned in your RSVP yet?" when Sorority Sister B hasn't even gotten the invitation yet. That would be bad.

    Agreed on the hotel room block thing. It's a pretty valid excuse for making waffling relatives decide early on whether or not they're coming!




  • debbieupperdebbieupper member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_this-rude-just-logical-super-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:069719a3-237b-46a1-b738-4cbd79126fa8Post:f6014e01-421f-4a65-8ae5-2dede958689c">Re: Is this rude or just... logical?? (Super long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]... Also, be prepared to be surprised. A friend is getting married next weekend with a huge out-of-town/out-of-state guest list, and he had a 7% decline rate. Dude . 
    Posted by beka0404[/QUOTE]

    <div>You are freakin' me out, lady!!! </div><div>
    </div><div>haha. But seriously. </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_this-rude-just-logical-super-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:069719a3-237b-46a1-b738-4cbd79126fa8Post:58cf5c39-7479-47ca-9942-1683cc81c467">Re: Is this rude or just... logical?? (Super long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this rude or just... logical?? (Super long) : You are freakin' me out, lady!!!  haha. But seriously. 
    Posted by debbieupper[/QUOTE]

    <div>Um, YEAH! Lots of his guests are on our guest list... 262 invited, space holds 230... Ai yi yi.</div><div>
    </div><div>**Done hijacking the thread!**</div>
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  • edited December 2011
    One thing to think about is that you may not get the 'no' RSVP's right away.  So far for me, most of the RSVP's have been 'yes', even though I know there are a lot of 'nos' out there, but people don't seem so excited to tell me no. 
  • hkieslinghkiesling member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We did this, and it wasn't a problem.  We just made sure to send the invites out early and then to send out the B list ones in groups of friends.  Almost all of our family was OOT as well.  We were surprised at how many actually ended up coming, although it was a 4-8 hour drive, not a cross-country flight. 
  • Bimbi284Bimbi284 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would also recommend sending the A ones out earlier, and having an earlier RSVP date. Maybe like 2 weeks or so earlier than you originally needed. That way, you have some extra time to make calls if need be, and you'll also hopefully have a good deal of responses by then.
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    I would MUCH rather see you go about things the way you are than DH's cousin who had to UN-invite family because they ran out of space (booked hall for 200, his side alone is 200 people that are close like you're talking about, and the bride in this case booked the hall without consulting his side beforehand to realize just how many close first cousins he had..) I also think you can do further out than the 12 weeks and just get word out that you need to know ASAP from the Carolina delegation so that if they are unable to attend you can send out additional invites (with a later RSVP date of course)... Above all else, just be honest with people that this is what's going on. Even if they may not like it, they'd rather have the knowledge of what's going on instead of having to guess...
  • edited December 2011
    Seriously, the thought of a 7% decline makes me want to vomit all over myself. Ugh.

    I heard from our rental place that the decline rate has dropped a lot during the past year or two. Normally 30% is the average decline, but now it's closer to 20% or 10%. She said that basically people want free food/liquor and a free night out, now that the economy has tanked.
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