I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!

tigerlily25 · August 2012

I got a text message (YES A TEXT!) from my friend telling me that she has decided to only have 3 bridesmaids instead of 4 and I am out of the wedding party. I'm very hurt by this since it is my boyfriend's brothers wedding and my boyfriend is the best man. This woman also asked me to be a part of her wedding party after she asked the other three, because she wanted to "make sure my boyfirend intended on marrying me someday", so it's not like she asked me on a whim, and I certainly never pressured her or made her feel obligated to make me a bridesmaid!

J&K10910 · August 2012

What kind of advice are you looking for? Did you buy a dress? If you haven't shelled out any cash, then you move on with your life, and that's that.

tigerlily25 · August 2012

Just on whether this is poor etiquette or not I guess? It's kind of a slap in the face. And yes whether or not I should say anything.

J&K10910 · August 2012

Yes. It's poor etiquette.

But there's nothing to say. Anything you say to her at this point is likely to damage the relationship further. I mean, if you want to tell her it hurts your feelings, or whatever, and you're able to do it appropriately, and that will make you feel better, sure. But what do you hope to achieve from that?

Now, if you've shelled out money already, that's a different story.

[Deleted User] · August 2012

Yes, what she did was incredibly rude and inconsiderate. It looks like you dodged a bullet with this. Just go as a guest and don't make a big deal out of it. She has severely damaged your relationship and this will show later on.

Loopyseven · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-kicked-out-of-the-wedding-party-etiquette-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97f0923a-ae32-461a-92d4-5d740964e946Post:8c1027a7-a479-41a6-844f-598bd40fe5e0">Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes. It's poor etiquette. But there's nothing to say. Anything you say to her at this point is likely to damage the relationship further. I mean, if you want to tell her it hurts your feelings, or whatever, and you're able to do it appropriately, and that will make you feel better, sure. But what do you hope to achieve from that? Now, if you've shelled out money already, that's a different story.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

<div>
I'm so glad you're back. I missed just being able to say "what J&K said" as my response :).</div>

tigerlily25 · August 2012

Luckily no dress was bought yet!

tigerlily25 · August 2012

The reason just seemed very arbitrary..

Avion22 · August 2012

So, is this girl actually a friend of yours? Like, a good enough friend that if she hadn't been marrying your boyfriend's brother, you still would have been in her WP?

Generally speaking, kicking somene out of the bridal party is a friendship-ending move. If you WERE friends with her, and no longer wish to be, then stop being her friend. Quite frankly, she doesn't deserve you as a friend if she would do this to you. I'm assuming your boyfriend will still be in his brother's wedding, so wether or not you choose to attend as a guest or not is really up to you.

J&K10910 · August 2012

Ha, I

you, Loops.

I would probably not go to the wedding either, Stage. But I don't think there's much else to be done.

Yes, OP, you're right. The reason is super arbitrary. And it sucks. You just learned more about her character, for sure.

tigerlily25 · August 2012

Ya, my boyfriend is pretty upset and said he is not sure if he even wants to be in the wedding party anymore. I wouldn't be mad if he stayed in it, but I'm pretty mad about being kicked out of the wedding party and not sure if I want to even bother going to the wedding at all. The whole situation is pretty uncomfortable because these are (probably) my future in-laws and just don't think it's right in my opinion.

J&K10910 · August 2012

Tigerlily, you're right on. But since they ARE probably your future in-laws, I'd give it some cool down time (a couple weeks, maybe?) before you say or do anything. Hopefully she realizes she was an a-hole and apologizes (though I would still not be in the WP if she changes her mind again).

banana468 · August 2012

This is one of those times that I think it's better for the BF to speak up. It's his family so this isn't so simple.

"Dude, WTF was going on asking my GF to be in the wedding and then kicking her out?" It's not as simple as a wedding party thing. This person may be your future in law one day.

The only thing I might say was, "Wow, I was really looking forward to being a BM. I'm sorry it's not going to work out since I was really looking forward to this."

MoxieMickie · August 2012

I wouldn't go to the wedding. I would expect my boyfriend to be upset and to let his brother know this was unacceptable. I wouldn't pressure him to drop out of the wedding party, though. I certainly wouldn't keep secret that I was dropped by text, because that is necessary information to understand why I was skipping the wedding.
I would also be really tempted to act like I wasn't getting text messages and bring up how excited I was to be a BM at the next big family dinner.

J&K10910 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-kicked-out-of-the-wedding-party-etiquette-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97f0923a-ae32-461a-92d4-5d740964e946Post:768d0164-06ad-4be4-89fc-65c8c2793c0a">Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't go to the wedding. I would expect my boyfriend to be upset and to let his brother know this was unacceptable. I wouldn't pressure him to drop out of the wedding party, though. I certainly wouldn't keep secret that I was dropped by text, because that is necessary information to understand why I was skipping the wedding. I would also be really tempted to act like I wasn't getting text messages and bring up how excited I was to be a BM at the next big family dinner.
Posted by MoxieMickie[/QUOTE]

So, you'd be super passive aggressive. Got it. Good plan.

Loopyseven · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-kicked-out-of-the-wedding-party-etiquette-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97f0923a-ae32-461a-92d4-5d740964e946Post:768d0164-06ad-4be4-89fc-65c8c2793c0a">Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't go to the wedding. I would expect my boyfriend to be upset and to let his brother know this was unacceptable. I wouldn't pressure him to drop out of the wedding party, though. I certainly wouldn't keep secret that I was dropped by text, because that is necessary information to understand why I was skipping the wedding. <strong>I would also be really tempted to act like I wasn't getting text messages and bring up how excited I was to be a BM at the next big family dinner.</strong>
Posted by MoxieMickie[/QUOTE]

<div>Somehow this doesn't seem like the best plan.. </div>

MoxieMickie · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-kicked-out-of-the-wedding-party-etiquette-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97f0923a-ae32-461a-92d4-5d740964e946Post:a2d361c5-496b-4c49-b794-ecc188827d3d">Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please! : Somehow this doesn't seem like the best plan..
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]
That's why I'd only be tempted but wouldn't do it. I'm far too direct to be able to pull off anything manipulative!

LoveyHowl · August 2012

It was horrible etiquette on the bride's part, dropping you from the WP. I'm guessing, though, that she will be sure to invite you to all gift-giving occasions. I would not attend any showers or bachelorette parties. Given that you anticipate marrying into the same family that she's marrying into, I probably would still attend the wedding as the BM's date. I would not give her a wedding gift; it would be up to your boyfriend to give them a gift (or not).

If you really do see yourself marrying into this family, I would just rise above this and let it go. Don't start drama within the family...they're already getting one disastrous, etiquette-challenged daughter in law. One is enough. Be the good daughter in law.

AEPerpete · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-kicked-out-of-the-wedding-party-etiquette-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97f0923a-ae32-461a-92d4-5d740964e946Post:0a9ee019-0e8a-45c3-b2e5-41ec27de5e71">Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE] Don't start drama within the family...they're already getting one disastrous, etiquette-challenged daughter in law. One is enough. Be the good daughter in law.
Posted by LoveyHowl[/QUOTE]

Yes.

I think the general understanding around here is that kicking someone out of your wedding party is a friendship/ relationship ending move. This is more complicated because she could be your family one day. What she did was wrong, and if I were you, I wouldn't go out of my way for her at all (showers, parties, etc.)

That being said, I think this issue should be brought up (your BF should talk to his Brother and Brothers FI ) and you should keep out of it, because as Lovey said, you don't need to stoop to her level.

ootmother2 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-kicked-out-of-the-wedding-party-etiquette-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97f0923a-ae32-461a-92d4-5d740964e946Post:8206da75-6615-4d78-bd6b-8db215e14719">Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]What kind of advice are you seeking? The bride has cut you from the WP. You are still invited as a guest. You should graciously attend the wedding, and say nothing about your personal hurt feelings. If it comes up in the future, you can tell her how hurtful this was for you, but I doubt that you will have much to do with each other after this.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

I disagree

And her FI should do some explaining to his brother and his FI

loca4pook · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-kicked-out-of-the-wedding-party-etiquette-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97f0923a-ae32-461a-92d4-5d740964e946Post:b8105cc5-722d-4500-b0ff-169e8be6531d">I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I got a text message (YES A TEXT!) from my friend telling me that she has decided to only have 3 bridesmaids instead of 4 and I am out of the wedding party. I'm very hurt by this since it is my boyfriend's brothers wedding and my boyfriend is the best man. This woman also asked me to be a part of her wedding party after she asked the other three, because she wanted to "make sure my boyfirend intended on marrying me someday", so it's not like she asked me on a whim, and I certainly never pressured her or made her feel obligated to make me a bridesmaid!
Posted by tigerlily25[/QUOTE]

Are you sure there isn't some misunderstanding you aren't aware of? Perhaps communicating with her directly is the best option just in case something happened you aren't aware of. It might possibly clear up something that could prevent anger. Maybe send a text that says "wow, I hope I didn't do something to offend you or something?".....

Instead of getting angry (I get why), find out of there is something else going on..If not, then you at least know she was just being rude...

It is best to try to communicate as she might be part of your family permanently. I would encourage BF to still be part of wedding, otherwise they might forever blame you and hate you....

tigerlily25 · August 2012

Update-

Boyfriend confronted his brother (groom) and the bride. The only reason they decided to cut me out of the wedding is because they wanted 3 intead of 4 on each side so my BF told the groom he would no longer be in the wedding party. That way they wouldn't have to deliver bad news to a groomsman and could have the same number on each side. My BF is livid and said he does not want to attend the wedding...and that's where we are as of now lol

J&K10910 · August 2012

Well, that's unfortunate. They should have thought about that before asking you. I hope this doesn't start a major family feud.

crash2729 · August 2012

That's rude.

What was their reasoning to only wanting 3 vs 4?

tigerlily25 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-kicked-out-of-the-wedding-party-etiquette-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97f0923a-ae32-461a-92d4-5d740964e946Post:d314db85-9ff7-43f4-85d5-c59577041edd">Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]That's rude. What was their reasoning to only wanting 3 vs 4?
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

No Reason, just that they wanted a smaller party and I shouldn't take it so personally. I cant help it though, Im sensitive! And this is family (sort of), but definitely the drama has started!

crash2729 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-kicked-out-of-the-wedding-party-etiquette-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97f0923a-ae32-461a-92d4-5d740964e946Post:29f7b949-b151-453f-b1f6-3fb8a2675dad">Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please! : No Reason, just that they wanted a smaller party and <strong>I shouldn't take it so personally. I cant help it though,</strong> Im sensitive! And this is family (sort of), but definitely the drama has started!
Posted by tigerlily25[/QUOTE]
Actually, I don't see anything wrong with the way you are reacting. <div>They should have thought about that before they went around asking people. </div><div>
</div><div>I may be the only one on this, but I think it's nice that your BF took himself out so the groom doesn't have to put one of his friends through what they just did to you.</div>

tigerlily25 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-kicked-out-of-the-wedding-party-etiquette-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97f0923a-ae32-461a-92d4-5d740964e946Post:e9e6bd23-d004-46a5-85a4-11c850b29241">Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please! : Actually, I don't see anything wrong with the way you are reacting. They should have thought about that before they went around asking people. I may be the only one on this, <strong>but I think it's nice that your BF took himself out so the groom doesn't have to put one of his friends through what they just did to you</strong>.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

My BF is a sweetie! I should have known the bride had poor etiquette because she asked me just a couple of weeks ago if it would be weird/rude if she invited people that she didn't think were worth having at the actual reception (I guess cost/space-wise?) to come to the reception after dinner was served for pizza and wings.

mbrischoux · August 2012

I'm glad that your boyfriend took charge of the situation - it's his family, he should.

If drama ensues (and it probably will), don't say anything. Let the bride and her apparently ettiquette-submissive groom (I say this because he was about to do the same thing before your boyfriend dropped out) rant, rave, and carry on, and continue to be kind and cheerful to them. Your boyfriend should do the same. Let them look like jerks. Oh, wait, they were kicking people out of the wedding party for no apparent reason whatsoever - they ALREADY look like jerks!

You guys should do something really fun on the day of the wedding - go to the zoo (sorry, I have a silly thing for zoos)!

crash2729 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-just-got-kicked-out-of-the-wedding-party-etiquette-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97f0923a-ae32-461a-92d4-5d740964e946Post:28673023-1fd4-44d8-8dc7-e5ca96de8969">Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please! : My BF is a sweetie! I should have known the bride had poor etiquette because she asked me just a couple of weeks ago if it would be weird/rude if she invited people t<strong>hat she didn't think were worth having at the actual reception </strong>(I guess cost/space-wise?) to come to the reception after dinner was served for pizza and wings.
Posted by tigerlily25[/QUOTE]
Oh gee. <div>I still think that you guys should at least go to the wedding to see the shiiitshow.</div>

kaitlynmichelle · August 2012

Good for your BF for standing up for you and saving another groomsman from being kicked out. I probably wouldn't want to attend the wedding, but based on the other details you've shared, it sounds like it will be quite an etiquette disaster (which could be entertaining).

tigerlily25 · August 2012

The zoo actually sounds like a better way to spend the day! LOL

I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!

Re: I just got kicked out of the wedding party- Etiquette Advice, please!

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