Paranoid Fiance

MeaganR12 · April 2011

Part of this is just me venting but I'd REALLY like some advice if anyone has any.

Last October, my fi was diagnosed with a panic and anxiety disorder. He's gotten much better with treatment but he is still EXTREMELY paranoid when it comes to certain things, and it's beginning to affect our honeymoon plans.

I love Mexico but I know we will never go to Mexico because he is terrified of the drug cartels so I didn't even suggest it and never complained about it.

So next I suggested Tahiti and the first thing he asked was what their hospital facilities were like. I told him I'm not sure but it's a popular destination so I'm sure their hospital facilities are fine, but it became an issue so Tahiti is out.

Then HE suggested Spain and Italy and maybe even Greece so I started looking in that direction and found a cruise itinerary that I loved (Malaga, Spain; Valencia, Spain; Rome, Italy; Florence, Italy; Malaga, Spain). I showed it to him and he said we couldn't sail through there because of terrorists and pirates. I assured him that that was not where pirates were but he accused me of not caring because I'm a woman and the pirates and terrorists go after the men more (?).

I'm irritated and part of me just wants to throw in the towel and let him pick wherever he wants to go and be happy about it but the other part of me wants HIM to try and compromise. I don't want to live our entire lives afraid of something. Can anyone possibly point me in the direction of a website that discusses safety issues in foreign countries and international waters?

jemmini6 · April 2011

Wow, I'm sorry he's so difficult. Also, does he not know how many women are raped by pirates and such? That arguement is ridiculous.

Regardless, how about you have him suggest places HE wants to go and try to find a compromise from there.

deezidee04 · April 2011

Yikes! That is tough.

Is Hawaii out of the question? I know it's very expensive, but it's completely GORGEOUS there (a dream honeymoon to be sure!) and I can't imagine very many complaints he could come up with. It's part of the United States, so he can expect the hospitals to be up to par. No drug cartels and no pirates. Your biggest hurdle will be expense and the soul-crushingly long flight times.

HappinessByTheKilowatt · April 2011

It's really hard to do things that are unfamiliar with panic and anxiety disorders. REALLY hard. But kudos to you for understanding that. Your best bet would be to stay somewhere in the US, or somewhere stationary in Europe. You should BOTH enjoy your honeymoon, but as I am sure you know, it won't be enjoyable if he is obsessing about what can go wrong. Ask him to make a list of his top five acceptable ideas, and once he does, there are no changing them. Then you pick from the top five. There is wine country, Hawaii, Galveston Beach, So Cal, Key West, and SO MANY other beautiful places to go right here in the US, which might ease his worries a bit, and could still make you happy. Even spas in Arizona or Lake Tahoe are options.

hz80408 · April 2011

Look at the very first (sticky) post at the top of the HM board.

We HMed in MX and felt very safe the entire time, including when we left the resort.

JoBell123 · April 2011

I agree about asking him where he suggests. Then you'd at least have a better idea of where he'd feel safe. It sounds like he wants to stay in the US since he's at least familiar with the dangers here. Hawaii (as PP have suggested) is a good option, but if he wants to stick to the continental US, then Key West is gorgeous. Maybe Napa Valley and go to the vineyards there?

mica178 · April 2011

Canada? The weather would be nice in the summertime, and they have great healthcare/hospitals.

kgettingmarried · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_honeymoon_paranoid-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:11Discussion:8143f675-7873-453b-8ee2-af0fe85c5334Post:ea0185a8-ef5b-4484-aa06-89192747895f">Re: Paranoid Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]Yikes! That is tough. Is Hawaii out of the question? I know it's very expensive, but it's completely GORGEOUS there (a dream honeymoon to be sure!) and I can't imagine very many complaints he could come up with. It's part of the United States, so he can expect the hospitals to be up to par. No drug cartels and no pirates. Your biggest hurdle will be expense and the soul-crushingly long flight times.
Posted by noonandj04[/QUOTE]

I took a vacation to Hawaii years ago and LOVED it. It is SO beautiful, so romantic for a wedding or honeymoon, and is definitely a dream honeymoon like pp said.

I am trying to get FI to go there, but my FI is so paranoid he won't even get on a plane lol. Instead of my Hawaiian dream beach wedding, I'm getting a north shore beach wedding. But at least I get a beach wedding!

bridetobemo · April 2011

I definitely agree with Hawaii, part of the US, great hospitals, no pirates, like everyone else said the only things are the expense and the flight times!!

AllyG303 · April 2011

I'm guessing since you're from NorCal, Napa wouldn't be much of a HM, but I would agree with Hawaii. If your FI is paranoid about the other places, it might not be fun no matter if it IS safe or not if he's worrying about it the whole time (and leading up to it). Definitely stick to the US (Florida, Hawaii, even SoCal if you have a favorite city down there).

MeaganR12 · April 2011

Thanks girls! All of your advice REALLY helped me and I also had time today to cool off and think about options. I KNOW we'll have an amazing honeymoon no matter where we are, it's just that his paranoia was really starting to take a toll on me.

Hawaii was originally on the top of my list but I've been there 5 or 6 times and over the past year more and more people we knew were planning honeymoons in Europe and more exotic places. But now looking at it, it's probably my favorite place I've ever visited, FI has never been there, plus I know it's sooooo romantic

Thanks for the gov travel website, that was exactly what I was looking for! Unfortunately, now that I think about it, if I show him that right now it will probably start an argument. So I think I'm going to RELAX, remember that my honeymoon is 15 months away and no decisions need to be made today!

PS. I just mentioned Hawaii and he asked, "Aren't there great white sharks in Hawaii?" LOL...but thankfully he followed that up with, "I'm not saying I'm AGAINST Hawaii!"

Oh men.

HappinessByTheKilowatt · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_honeymoon_paranoid-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:11Discussion:8143f675-7873-453b-8ee2-af0fe85c5334Post:8299154d-ccd3-4580-ab3d-615a74632868">Re: Paranoid Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]Here is the official US Governmet site for international travel. <a href="http://travel.state.gov/" rel='nofollow'>http://travel.state.gov/</a> I am married to a nervous engineer who used to work for national security (retired). Nobody is more paranoid that he is. I have found that cruising keeps him happy and within his comfort zone. When you learn about all the security they do on those big cruise ships, it is reassuring. Getting on board a cruiseship is a bit like going through airport security! Ugh! Those big cruise ship companies want their passengers to stay safe. They won't risk your safety. Many of them are pulling out of Mexico, and cruises to unstable areas of the world have been cancelled or changed to different itineraries. Want exotic and safe? New Zealand and Australia. The flight is horrible, though!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Just want to say that being paranoid because you have seen the weak spots in security and having anxiety/panic disorders are in no way comparable. And yes, I can guarantee you that someone with an anxiety/panic disorder IS, more than likely, more paranoid than he is. It's a mental issue, not a practical one.

RamonaFlowers · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_honeymoon_paranoid-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:11Discussion:8143f675-7873-453b-8ee2-af0fe85c5334Post:f30f8137-031f-41dd-adf2-4da25dd8ba61">Re: Paranoid Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Paranoid Fiance : Just want to say that being paranoid because you have seen the weak spots in security and having anxiety/panic disorders are in no way comparable. And yes, I can guarantee you that someone with an anxiety/panic disorder IS, more than likely, more paranoid than he is. It's a mental issue, not a practical one.
Posted by HappinessByTheKilowatt[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. If you knew somebody who was paranoid about the dangers of sugar, you could send them to a website that disputes whatever their fears are, or make them more educated on the subject to have more "informed" fears. But you certainly wouldn't do that if you encountered a diabetic. No, a diabetic would have to consult his doctor and dietician and undergo treatments and medications to help determine their "safe" zones when it comes to sugars.

The same is to be said for anxiety disorder. Throwing some reading material at them about how safe traveling is probably won't do much for them, because they have a real illness, not just some "paranoia". Like any other illness, they need to work with their doctor and take the proper steps (Medication, counseling, etc) in treating it for there to be any improvements.

OP, your HM is over a year away. You say your FI has only been diagnosed within the past few months. I say give him some time with trying medication and seeking counseling, go with him so you can get information as well-trust me, it <strong>will</strong> make a difference. When you get closer to the wedding, try again to see where his comfort zones are and try to go from there. Good Luck!

mkrupar · April 2011

Ditto HBTK. Because anxiety disorders are often rooted in irrational fears of the mind, it's not as simple as just being paranoid. And it also can't be fixed by educating someone on the safety precautions, travel advisories, etc.

My counselor once told me, "You can't change irational thoughts with rational behavior."

OP it sounds like you might be able to swing Hawaii. Is your FI on any kind of meds for his disorder? Is he seing a counselor?

I'm not on daily meds, but seeing a counselor and learning relaxation techniques and coping mechanisms has helped me immensly when it comes to travel and every day life.

Good Luck! You'll have to fill us in when you all decide on a location!

MeaganR12 · April 2011

I am well aware that his fears are not just 'paranoia', I mostly used that word so that those who didn't understand a panic and anxiety disorder could understand what I was talking about.

He was diagnosed 6 months ago and has just REALLY started to make progress in the last 3-4 months. His DR tried Zoloft and Celexa and they made him much worse but finally a different DR prescribed Remeron, which is used to treat insomnia and anorexia (lol, wtf?), but it has actually made all the difference! Shortly after he started that we started paying out of pocket for a better therapist who specializes in anxiety and panic and that has helped a lot too.

Unfortunately, his panic and anxiety has brought on agoraphobia. Not so bad that he can't leave the house but enough that he can't leave the house without me or another 'safe' person. So he hasn't been at work consistently since December, luckily they allow him to work from home.

Everyday I deal with the limitations of his condition and at that moment, while looking at honeymoon locations all I wanted to hear was, "Wow that looks amazing!" Sometimes it just really gets to me.

Sorry for ANOTHER rant, but thanks for listening and thanks for your support. None of our friends or families GET IT, so it's nice to hear someone say something besides, "Why can't he just get over it?".

eviltwin13 · April 2011

Has your FI done any systematic desensitization as part of his therapy? I am a teacher and worked with a child with diagnosed OCD, general anxiety disorder and agoraphobia, and the therapy (assisted by small doses of medication to take the edge off) absolutely saved his life. He eventually not only came back to school, but was able to go all over New York City - some of the visits were conducted as therapy sessions, others were planned with his parents and discussed in therapy in advance and again afterwards.

The process takes time and patience, but ultimately teaches the person strategies for calming themselves, confidence that they will be able to handle situations that in the past they were too anxious to confront, and a way of thinking about anxiety provoking situations that doesn't feed the anxiety.

As for good, "safe" destinations - unfortunately places that are politically more safe may have natural dangers. For example, Australia is lovely, laid back and pretty safe amongst people, but has deadly spiders, crocodiles, jellyfish, snakes, you get the idea. Even Hawaii has active volcanoes and very occasionally tsunamis. A clinically anxious person can't distinguish between a likely danger and a remote one - the fact that millions of people live in and visit these places without incident means nothing to them, because they are certain that they will be the one exception. My mother, a highly anxious person, worries about any hotel room that she stays in, whether it's catching a foot fungus from the shower, bedbugs (probably the most realistic worry she has, though possibly overblown in the media lately), or simple germ contamination from touching any surface. And she's always bragging about how she has "crazier" friends than herself (her word, not mine) who bring their own bedding and pillows to hotels, never let their bags touch the floor, bring cleaning supplies, etc.

Honestly, I've been all over the world (every continent except Asia) and there were only a few places I really felt unsafe, as a single woman traveling alone. I'd personally recommend Scandinavia in the summertime for an extra-easy and safe honeymoon - Norway is particularly beautiful, but Denmark and Sweden were very nice too. The days are long in summer, crime is low, English is spoken, and there's plenty to do culturally and environmentally without worrying about disasters of any kind. I'd say Iceland except he might worry (kinda legitimately) about active volcanoes. England, France, Italy and Spain are also all easy to get to and around in, and are all very worth visiting. I haven't been to Greece myself, but my best friend traveled there with her elderly grandmother and they had no trouble at all either.

My FI and I decided we are going to be too tired after the wedding to do a big trip, plus our work schedules won't allow being away for extended time, so we just found a lovely B&B in a quaint destination. People are incredulous when I tell them, because I'm known to take really crazy trips ("You spent 6 weeks alone in South America and you're going to RHINEBECK for your honeymoon?") but if the point is for us to relax and enjoy one another's company, it shouldn't need to be a wild and crazy place. We plan to take many trips together in the future, by ourselves and eventually with our kids, so the honeymoon is not our one shot to have a cool vacation.

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