Basic WP Drama- advice?

abrakatrina · February 2010

Ok, here's my situation. We decided to keep the WP pretty small since we're having a short, non-traditional ceremony.

We decided on my only sis as the MOH (no brainer) and two of my good girlfriends as bridemaids. Then I'm having one of my sis-in-laws be my personal attendant... which is sort of an important role because I'm having her be part of the precessional to help with her children (my nieces/nephews) that are also part of the WP.

So... now my OTHER sis-in-law is upset because she doesn't have an official title. Should I come up with some sort of title? Or just let her deal with it? Her husband (my brother) is part of the WP already. How can I mitigate this festering issue?

bablingbrooke · February 2010

If it will save you drama to do so, ask her to be a BM. For your own sanity. If this is not likely to follow you around after the wedding (and only you know the family dynamic) just say "FSIL, we decided to have a really small WP but we can't wait to see you at the wedding!"

Nobody's such an idiot that they will not know you "made up" a job for them and feel insulted accordingly.

FYI: Personal Attendant is really frowned upon on this board.

SarahPLiz · February 2010

Just explain to her that Personal Attendant is an unpaid job, not an honor, so she isn't missing out on anything.

abrakatrina · February 2010

Oh, please do enlighten me as to why Personal Attendant if frowned upon on this board.

How else do you decribe the person you plan to help you get dressed, manage the final payments, organize the family and WP, and solve problems before they get you?

I actually consider it my most important role far above MOH or bridemaid or anything else.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_basic-wp-drama-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:17b9a7bb-443b-4833-87a7-344c4deeef6fPost:cb409901-95c4-4a93-b9b6-36646c3ab4c8">Re: Basic WP Drama- advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, please do enlighten me as to why Personal Attendant if frowned upon on this board. How else do you decribe the person you plan to help you get dressed, manage the final payments, organize the family and WP, and solve problems before they get you? I actually consider it my most important role far above MOH or bridemaid or anything else.
Posted by abrakatrina[/QUOTE]

<div>Something you pay someone to do. </div><div>
</div><div>Maybe in your neck of the woods it's considered an honor. But most people consider that a job, not an honor.</div>

SarahPLiz · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_basic-wp-drama-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:17b9a7bb-443b-4833-87a7-344c4deeef6fPost:cb409901-95c4-4a93-b9b6-36646c3ab4c8">Re: Basic WP Drama- advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, please do enlighten me as to why Personal Attendant if frowned upon on this board. How else do you decribe the person you plan to help you get dressed, manage the final payments, organize the family and WP, and solve problems before they get you? I actually consider it my most important role far above MOH or bridemaid or anything else.
Posted by abrakatrina[/QUOTE]
I call this a Day of Coordinator and it is a paid position. I think its a regional thing. While it may be an important role, it is a job, not an honor.

emilyinchile · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_basic-wp-drama-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:17b9a7bb-443b-4833-87a7-344c4deeef6fPost:cb409901-95c4-4a93-b9b6-36646c3ab4c8">Re: Basic WP Drama- advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, please do enlighten me as to why Personal Attendant if frowned upon on this board. How else do you decribe the person you plan to help you get dressed, manage the final payments, organize the family and WP, and solve problems before they get you? I actually consider it my most important role far above MOH or bridemaid or anything else.
Posted by abrakatrina[/QUOTE]

How do I describe it? Wedding planner.

My BMs will be helping me put my dress on. The WP and family are adults, and we'll go over anything they need to do the day before at the rehearsal so that they can be responsible for themselves on the day. Anything else, I can do myself or it's not really going to be that important. I don't have a wedding planner, but I'm not going to ask one of my friends to step into the role for free.

The job of PA is frowned upon because it's a job. It's not an honor to ask someone to have to deal with vendors and problems, it's a PITA. You probably consider it important because it's going to save you some headaches at your FSIL's expense.

mbcdefg · February 2010

How else do you decribe the person you plan to help you get dressed: bridesmaids or my mom if they want to help

manage the final payments: me or FI, because it's our wedding and our responsibility

organize the family and WP: me or FI, because it's our wedding and our responsibility ... or our photographer, because we're paying him to do this kind of work

and solve problems before they get you?: the maitre d' at our reception hall, because that's what we're paying him for

I would never, ever ask someone to do these things unless they were a paid vendor. Asking someone to do grunt work for your wedding is a job, not an honor. It's foolish to pretend otherwise. (And, just because she's saying to your face that she's happy to do it doesn't mean squat. People will tell you anything you want to hear ... again, to your face. What they may be saying behind your back is another story.)

gottahavashorti · February 2010

How else do you decribe

the person you plan to help you get dressed
Self. And maybe bridesmaid or Mom.

manage the final payments
FI

organize the family and WP, and solve problems before they get you?
Catering/venue event coordinator, Mom, photographer (organize for pictures), rehearsal (learn how to organize), self. Because I opted not to hire a wedding planner.

britne28 · February 2010

Instead of making her your maid, why don't you have her do a reading instead?

aerinpegadrak · February 2010

I volunteered to do this for a friend. But I volunteered to be her Day of Coordinator, and I'm not an honorary member of the wedding party, I'm a vendor, and will be working my butt off that day to make sure everything runs smoothly. I'm hoping that I'll have the opportunity to enjoy a bit of the reception with everyone else, but honestly? I'm packing a sandwich.

I think your FI's sisters would rather enjoy their brother's wedding than run around putting out fires all day. The only time I'm okay with PA is when it truly is a ceremonial position, and her only "job" is to hang out with everyone while getting ready, and maybe be in a few pictures.

duckie1905 · February 2010

Not everyone has to have a "title." If she's upset that is on her, not you. Don't assign her some stupid chore just so she'll feel included. Being invited as a guest is also an honor.

If I had been in your shoes, I probably wouldn't have made the other sister a PA. For one, you should be paying someone to do these things for you. Assigning a friend or family member to basically be your unpaid labor is icky. Second, it sort of did exclude the other sister, despite the fact that you gave her a crap job and not an honor the other probably feels left out now.

jagore08 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_basic-wp-drama-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:17b9a7bb-443b-4833-87a7-344c4deeef6fPost:92a9f4d4-afe1-4265-a426-ec3e450aadde">Basic WP Drama- advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, here's my situation. We decided to keep the WP pretty small since we're having a short, non-traditional ceremony. We decided on my only sis as the MOH (no brainer) and two of my good girlfriends as bridemaids. Then I'm having one of my sis-in-laws be my personal attendant... which is sort of an important role because I'm having her be part of the precessional to help with her children (my nieces/nephews) that are also part of the WP. So... now my OTHER sis-in-law is upset because she doesn't have an official title. Should I come up with some sort of title? Or just let her deal with it? Her husband (my brother) is part of the WP already. How can I mitigate this festering issue?
Posted by abrakatrina[/QUOTE]

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

I would explain to the sister who you are making work at your wedding that you don't know what you were thinking, and that you didn't mean to make her work at your wedding and that you and your fiance can handle those things. Then ask both her and her sister to do a reading during the ceremony. That is just what I would do. To each their own.

stina93446 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_basic-wp-drama-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:17b9a7bb-443b-4833-87a7-344c4deeef6fPost:a91af7be-441a-46ae-b47d-3e6f98f0ed7e">Re: Basic WP Drama- advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Basic WP Drama- advice? : I call this a Day of Coordinator and it is a paid position. I think its a regional thing. While it may be an important role, it is a job, not an honor.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto. The person who took care of the final payments was me and my DH....seriously, how hard is it to pay people on time and give out tips?</div><div>
</div><div>The people who helped me get dressed were my sister (MOH) and my mom.</div><div>
</div><div>PA is really a job, not an honor. If you want to honor her, why not ask both ladies to do a co-reading or something....</div>

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_basic-wp-drama-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:17b9a7bb-443b-4833-87a7-344c4deeef6fPost:cb409901-95c4-4a93-b9b6-36646c3ab4c8">Re: Basic WP Drama- advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, please do enlighten me as to why Personal Attendant if frowned upon on this board. How else do you decribe the person you plan to help you get dressed, manage the final payments, organize the family and WP, and solve problems before they get you? I actually consider it my most important role far above MOH or bridemaid or anything else.
Posted by abrakatrina[/QUOTE]

<div>My MOH helped me into the dress. Our Coordinator did all those other things, and I paid her to so. She earned every dime of her pay, because that's hard work!</div><div>
</div><div>I would never dream of asking someone I actually like to work all day at my wedding for free. I wanted our friends and family to enjoy the day, not be unpaid staff. </div><div>
</div><div>If I asked you to come over and fold my laundry, wash my dishes, paint my nails, and pick up my dry cleaning tomorrow, would you consider it an honor? Yeah, asking someone to do all the crap jobs at your wedding is no more of an honor. If you dislike the girl, this will be just fine. But if you like her and want to honor her, have her as a BM. </div>

FutureMrsL.R.Allen · February 2010

I volunteered to be a friend's sister's DOC. I would not have been invited to the wedding, she did not ask, but I could tell she needed help. I did A LOT OF WORK that day, it was not enjoyable, it was work, but I knew what I would be doing when I volunteered. Her parent's ended up giving me a huge tip because of all the work I did. If I was a guest at this wedding I would have been pissed that I had to work and not enjoy the wedding, this would not have felt like an honor at all, it would have felt like someone who I considered a friend was using me. If you want someone to do these things for you, you need to hire someone.

michaela48 · February 2010

Oh, please do enlighten me as to why Personal Attendant if frowned upon on this board. How else do you decribe the person you plan to help you get dressed, manage the final payments, organize the family and WP, and solve problems before they get you? I actually consider it my most important role far above MOH or bridemaid or anything else.
Posted by abrakatrina

I hired a day of coordinator to do these jobs for me and will have my bridesmaids help me into my dress. I want my closest family and friends to be able to enjoy my wedding day, not be running around dealing with problems and final payments. This does not sound like a honor, more like a punishment..

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