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How Can I Light A Fire Under His (BEEP)?

tamtam7tamtam7 member
1000 Comments
in African American Weddings
Hello ladies, I need your help.  I am having difficulties getting DH to do what I ask him to do.  It's not that I want to control him, but I don't want to be in a position where I'm doing everything and harbor resentment towards him because of it.  I also don't want to be a nag, because I hate having to babysit him into doing simple tasks.  Now, I'm a bit of a procrastinator, but he takes procrastination to a whole new level.  We got married over a month ago and he still hasn't completed his thank you cards and he had a much shorter list than me.  Sometimes I wonder if he's slacking because he's being rebellious and just doesn't want to be told what to do or what.  I am concerned because I feel like there are certain things such as changing his tax forms to married status, and making certain changes with HR that should be done in a somewhat timely manner, but he just drags his feet.  I just don't want this to be a pattern in our relationship where he thinks that he can drag his feet about stuff and then I'll be there to pick up the slack. 

So ladies, what do you do to motivate your man to get on the ball? 
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Re: How Can I Light A Fire Under His (BEEP)?

  • prncszprncsz member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I withhold the goods!  Really I just back off after I have asked him something repeatedly, then something happens where he has to do it and he gets it done. After that he comes back to me asking well why didn't I tell him, but I did! Are there any points in the day like on the weekend when he's just lounging around? If there are I would go pick up the box of thank you cards and plop them in front of him with a pen and say get to writing!
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  • desi2002desi2002 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, I prayed about it, and I continue to pray about it. I prayed that God would change ME, so that maybe that would inspire hubby to change too. It works.
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  • KSTURGISKSTURGIS
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I dont know hun. Im usually the procrastinator in our house hold. lol
    So i say go with the first advice. Or drop your finished thank you cards in his lap and tell him to mail yours with his, maybe then he will get the hint. Im really no help here.
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  • cincy2011cincy2011 member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Sorry you're going through this Tam, I know it's frustrating.  I'd say give a deadline of maybe one week from now, then ask him one more time about it maybe a day before the hard deadline.  I've had to do this with FI and it's generally worked - I think b/c he doesn't feel so pressured and bossed around by me b/c I'll give him a week instead of saying "do this now" or "do this by tomorrow".  I also never add in any complaints or say it in a nagging or whiny voice, which helps!  (not saying you do that!)  

    So for instance - today I wrote out a card to my mom/stepdad b/c they had to put their dog to sleep over the weekend (terminal cancer).  I was writing the card out and FI came in and I mentioned that I would like him to put a note in the card to them also.  He said fine, but seemed a little put off by that- for whatever reason...who knows!!???  LOL.  Anyway, later on today I brought the card into his office where he was working - I walked up to him holding the card in my hand and said "Can you write  your note in this card when you have a chance?  I'd like to mail it this week."  **Knowing I wanted to mail it today, LOL.**  Wouldn't you know it, I was getting ready to leave his house and went in his office to say goodbye - he had the card all filled out and told me it was ready to go.  I thanked him profusely (more than was needed, but I like to reward good behavior Wink), gave him a kiss and took the card to mail it.   I've noticed that FI doesn't like it when I interrupt him and ask him to do something immediately, so I am now trying to make it feel less like an order and more like a friendly and relaxed request for a time that works for his schedule.  HTH!  
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  • tamtam7tamtam7 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks so much for the advice ladies.  Prncsz, I can't do the witholding the goodies thing because I feel like I'm punishing myself too.  LOL!

    DH and I talked last night about it and we seemed to clear some things up.  Cincy, I like your approach, and I that's how I am with DH the first 5 times I ask him to do something but after a month of something not getting done it just really makes me crazy.  I gave him a list of things to do and a deadline in bold and I explained to him that I did it that way to help him prioritize as well as to help him  understand how long it should take to do each task.  I was impressed that he did work on some of the items on the list.  He has today off, so hopefully he will tackle a few things.  I guess I just have to accept that he will get it done when he can.

    And Cincy, I am so sorry to hear about your parent's dog.  My dad's dog had terminal cancer and had to be put to sleep.  It was about 3 years ago. 
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  • JKeyes2011JKeyes2011
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would say pray first to calm your mind and then find time to sit and talk about it. My FI can be a procrastinator and I do feel like I have to babysit him sometimes. It really works for us when we can sit down either over dinner or a snack or even a drink and we have a chat about things we like and don't like. It really helps us both to clear the air and have a set list of priorities.
    One thing we do is write to-do lists for one another. I normally verbally tell my FI his list because he normally remembers what is there and what needs to be done. He learned quickly that he can't just tell me. He told me things and I forgot and he got mad at me over not doing stuff and I told him he will have to write it down. He started leaving post-its on my computer. After he forgot a few times to leave the note he would wait until he got to work and would send me an email that I would get by the time I woke up. It's a cool system and we both have our tasks and so then no one can get mad at the other for what we didn't do.

    As I said just chat, I am a huge communication person (wonder why that's my college major...lol) and I think the best tool in any kind of relationship is opening your mouth, but at the right time. With men you've got to get them at a focused moment and it works.
    Good luck!
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  • tamtam7tamtam7 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    @jkeyes, I love the post it note remimders on the computer.  That is such a great idea.  Thanks so much lady.
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