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XP - premarital counseling?

annie912annie912 member
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in Second Weddings
Did any of you do this? If you did, did you do it through your church or an independent counselor? Who's idea was it, yours or his? How was the idea brought up and did you get (or give) and resistance to it?

Any suggestions on how to approach it, prepare for it or things to keep in mind?

TIA!
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Re: XP - premarital counseling?

  • coopsbabycoopsbaby member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    we're discussing doing it possibly through an independant therapist, or possibly doing one of the books you work through. (We're getting married in Vegas, so no church counseling.)

    I think it's just a good idea for anyone. After my divorce I was a basketcase until I went through tons of therapy and it really helped me work through a lot of stuff my my whole life. Fi has never had counseling, but knows how much it helped me, and knows that we have baggage we're bringing into the relationship, plus my 3 teens, and counseling can only help.

    I think you both have to have an open mind about it or it's not going to be worth your time. I tried repeatedly with my ex, but he was never interested in fixing any problems, just saying the right thing to be done. That's not helpful. If your fi would be more comfortable doing a workbook type thing, I think that can be just as good, as long as it gets you talking!
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  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
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    I'm always of the opinion "can't hurt, might help". I dated my fiance for 4 years though before we married and had a pretty good idea of how we worked together before tying the knot.

    If you feel there are issues that cannot be resolved by reasonable discussions, then do it.

    Good luck.
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  • annie912annie912 member
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    I guess it's not so much that there are issues I think we can't resolve on our own, it's that there may be things that we never thought to discuss. I dated my first husband for 8 years before we got married and thought I knew him pretty well, but there were things that suprised me and I wish we had gotten some of it taken care of beforehand. I'm looking at it more as a way to make sure we're on the right track, not necessarily that we're having issues now. With the issues with his kids and ex, I want to make sure I'm not missing something. 

    I posted this on another board too, and the responses were pretty much, "our church made us, but I'm glad we did it." A few had done it outside of a church and thought it was very helpful. 

    Thanks for the input ladies!
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  • right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I think anyone with three teens needs counseling, getting married or not!! :)  Teenagers are enough to make ANYONE crazy! 

    We didn't actually do counseling, but we had both done post divorce counseling, and were in family counseling with my teen son, so we were covered.  Our minister met with us briefly and touched on some issues, but very superficially.

    If you have the  option, take it.  As Sue said, "can't hurt".
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  • crazynlove2011crazynlove2011
    First Comment
    Interesting topic because my FI and I were recently talking about starting it. We are doing it since this year, on top of a wedding, FI is graduating nursing school and future step son is graduating high school and then joining the Marines one month after the wedding. FI  is a extremely dedicated father and is already having a hard time getting used to the thought of his son joining the military. Plus we are planning to try to get pregnant the end of the year so it will be a stressful year. We are calling it more of family counseling even though it will be him and I because it isn't just about the wedding/marriage but the entire family dynamics are drastically changing this year. 

    I am totally of the mindset that if family dynamics are changing considerably, it is worth it. 
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  • annie912annie912 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_xp-premarital-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:8827e9ff-e9e7-413b-a8a9-80054e244fabPost:7e268a33-4bd0-40b2-8f68-4527e20e39b7">Re: XP - premarital counseling?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Interesting topic because my FI and I were recently talking about starting it. We are doing it since this year, on top of a wedding, FI is graduating nursing school and future step son is graduating high school and then joining the Marines one month after the wedding. FI  is a extremely dedicated father and is already having a hard time getting used to the thought of his son joining the military. Plus we are planning to try to get pregnant the end of the year so it will be a stressful year. We are calling it more of family counseling even though it will be him and I because it isn't just about the wedding/marriage but the entire family dynamics are drastically changing this year. <strong> I am totally of the mindset that if family dynamics are changing considerably, it is worth it. 
    </strong>Posted by crazynlove2011[/QUOTE]

    That's definitely the case here. I do not have kids of my own and am acquiring two young boys. Eek! They're great, but it's been quite an adjustment and the stress of that, combined with the stress of their mother basically undermining everything we do, has caused a lot of "rough days" in our house. I guess I'm less concerned with the usual stuff like finances, future goals, etc. than I am with the "new family" issues.
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  • Hays2beHays2be
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    I went through a lot of counselling after my divorce (the ex decided it was over and I had a hard time since we were at the 19 year mark)  When DH and I were pretty close to deciding to get married and I was insecure, I went back to the same minister to work out what I was thinking.  At the end of our meeting, I asked him if he would perform the ceremony.  He would, but only if we went to counselling.

    When we went (through a different church with a minister he recommended)  this minister told us that second marriages needed counselling more than first marriages.    Just because you've been there before, doesn't mean you know all the mistakes that can be made.

    We learned a few things about each other.  It was worth the time for us.

    C+D, Four kids, two kids-in-law, four grandkids
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  • kidlets2kidlets2
    First Comment
    We are. I didn't with my first so I too am in the opinion that it can't hurt. Plus we get a discount on our marriage license if we do.
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  • ndmorgan1ndmorgan1
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    I did it for my first, and it was helpful.  I didn't know we were not on the same page about children until we did it.  I think it may help ensure you are both on the same page in several areas including money, family, and  cooking. Laughing 
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  • stephk31stephk31
    First Comment
    Well  our faith requires it, but I think it is a good idea anyhow. My fiance has been married before (very young) and told me he would have liked to do premarital counseling back then but it was not an option at the time.
    We are both a little older (and hopefully wiser) now but I do think it makes you sit down, think about your relationship, and also see it from a third person's point of view. We will have 5 sessions with our Pastor before the wedding. I am looking forward to it :)
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