bridesmaids.... HELP

Nessa10 · March 2010

I had a good friend all planned to be one of my maids and then she transferred schools and became someone I don't even know. We talked about it and decided together that it wouldn't be the best thing if she was in the wedding anymore. She took it really well. They friend that I asked to replaced her was really excited about it all about 3 months ago.. and now it feels like she could care less. We went from eating lunch together 3 times a week and now I haven't seen her in about a month. She told me that her job and school come before helping me with the wedding, but then she always posts pictures of her out partying downtown every weekend. I'm just confused. She hasn't paid for her dress yet and the bill is just sitting at the dress shop.... HELP ME.. I've already asked one maid to step down... but I feel like that needs to happen again, because she has stood me up so many times this past month and seems to not care at all... any advice is welcome. Thanks ladies

Simply Fated · March 2010

So you fired a bridemaid and a MOH.. and replaced said MOH with another woman who you now also want to fire.

Did I get all that straight?

If they don't get the dress, that is their own way of telling you they don't want to be in your wedding party. you don't have to fire her...
If she pays, great. If not, it's her bill to deal with, not yours.

Out of curiosity, how come you fired the other bridesmaid?

Nessa10 · March 2010

no my sister has always been and will be my MOH.

The first bridesmaid that I had asked just suddenly decided to switch schools and immediately was completely disconnected from our relationship. She literally became someone else.

Then I asked a friend to take her spot, and thats the one that I'm struggling with. I just don't know if I should tell her that its a no-go. Any ideas of how to do this? I don't want to hurt her, or become a bridezilla. All I want is to have people up there that I know support me and will hold me accountable to my vows for the rest of my life.. I don't feel like she will be that anymore...

mags0607 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0c61e15e-6ca7-41fb-9400-ce0d397c3126Post:09dc6c77-e0d6-4934-8f89-f83599e2df73">bridesmaids.... HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a good friend all planned to be one of my maids and then she transferred schools and became someone I don't even know. We talked about it and decided together that it wouldn't be the best thing if she was in the wedding anymore. She took it really well. They friend that I asked to replaced her was really excited about it all about 3 months ago.. and now it feels like she could care less. We went from eating lunch together 3 times a week and now I haven't seen her in about a month. She told me that her job and school come before helping me with the wedding, but then she always posts pictures of her out partying downtown every weekend. I'm just confused. She hasn't paid for her dress yet and the bill is just sitting at the dress shop.... HELP ME.. I've already asked one maid to step down... but I feel like that needs to happen again, because she has stood me up so many times this past month and seems to not care at all... any advice is welcome. Thanks ladies
Posted by Nessa10[/QUOTE]

No one is going to care as much about your wedding planning than you (and hopefully your FI) do. Its not the responsibility of your BP to help you plan your wedding, its the responsibility of you and your FI.

What's done is done, but you shouldn't have fired a bridesmaid, and you DEFINITELY shouldn't have replaced that BM with another girl. If I was the BM in question, I wouldn't be as excited for you because I was a replacement, but that is neither here no there.

DO NOT ask this BP member to step down. It is a friendship ending move, and let's face it, anyone who knows that you have "kicked out" two BP members will start talking, and it won't be good. The bride never comes out as the good guy when it comes to "firing" BMS. Just reconsider this, as it won't be the first time. If the friendship is on its way out, just let it happen naturally after the wedding. Your friend could just be extremely busy, and not ignoring you on purpose.

I would just call/text/FB her and tell her that she has a balance at the bridal shop, and that she has until X date to pick up and pay for her dress. There are lots of ways to get a BM dress that don't take as long as the Bridal shops tell you. If she does not get the dress, then she has removed herself from the wedding party, and YOU won't look like the bad guy. Then, she can just attend as a guest, or not attend at all.

I would try having a non-wedding related talk with your friend and make sure everything is okay with her on a friend-level. There might be something going on in her life that has taken over her priorities, and your wedding shouldn't even be on her list. Hopefully she gets the dress and shows up, then she will have fulfilled her duties as a good BM.

Please, son't kick her out. Its just a bad idea all around.

Simply Fated · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0c61e15e-6ca7-41fb-9400-ce0d397c3126Post:eac93098-3633-49bf-83d2-edacfabdb88d">Re: bridesmaids.... HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]no my sister has always been and will be my MOH. The first bridesmaid that I had asked just suddenly decided to switch schools and immediately was completely disconnected from our relationship. She literally became someone else. Then I asked a friend to take her spot, and thats the one that I'm struggling with. I just don't know if I should tell her that its a no-go. Any ideas of how to do this? I don't want to hurt her, or become a bridezilla. All I want is to have people up there that I know support me and will hold me accountable to my vows for the rest of my life.. I don't feel like she will be that anymore...
Posted by Nessa10[/QUOTE]

Well, you started out the whole experience with this second girl being a replacement. She was... second choice. You have already stepped into Bridezilla territory and I hate saying that to you because obviously you never intended to be that. So, let's not go any further to the dark side.

First of all, don't worry whats on her facebook. We have all been through that... thanks to the new technology out there, our every move can be documented. But it's none of your business what she does in her free time.

Honestly, after 3 months she probably got weddinged out.
If that doesn't work and she doesn't have her dress for your wedding, then that's it... there is your answer. You don't have to fire her... she fires herself. I would let it go for now. Assume she isn't coming and spend time doing other things besides looking at her weekend pictures. I dont meant that to come across as me being rude to you, I just want you to make sure you don't stress yourself out over those pictures.

SarahPLiz · March 2010

You ARE being a bridezilla by treating people as props instead of friends. There should be no "spot" to fill and there should not be a waiting list. Relationships have ups and downs, but you should never evaluate them in terms of your wedding. Always look at the relationship on its own first.

She may have other stuff going on in her life that she doesn't want to share with you. She is not your BFF, or you would have picked her first, so there is a good chance that you aren't her BFF either, just a friend who asked her to be a spot-filler in her wedding. Perhaps she feels like wedding planning has taken over YOUR life and that just turns her off altogether.

Just leave her alone, attempt friendly conversation that is non-wedding related. If she gets the dress and shows up on time, then she is in the WP. If not, then there is one less person on your side. No one will judge you harshly for that. They WILL judge if you fire her and replace her with another spot-filler who can fit in her dress... that's just shallow.

quotequeen · March 2010

What exactly have you expected her to do to help you with the wedding? If she's gotten sick of your wedding, it's probably because you have been expecting too much, not because she is a bad friend. Perhaps she doesn't eat lunch with you as much because when she does, you only talk about the wedding?

jagore08 · March 2010

Read the stickies at the top. This is not a special circumstance.

mbcdefg · March 2010

It was wrong to ask her to be a replacement. But that ship has sailed, so ...

If she knows that she needs to get the dress, then let her handle it. It is not your problem if she doesn't pay the bill on time ... if that happens, then she's taken herself out of the wedding and you don't have to do a thing. If she pays for her dress, then she's in the wedding. Her "obligation" as a bridesmaid is to get the dress and stand up in the wedding. If you feel that your friendship is weakening, then talk to her about it, but DON'T bring up the wedding, because it has nothing to do with the wedding.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0c61e15e-6ca7-41fb-9400-ce0d397c3126Post:eac93098-3633-49bf-83d2-edacfabdb88d">Re: bridesmaids.... HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]All I want is to have people up there that I know support me and will hold me accountable to my vows for the rest of my life.. I don't feel like she will be that anymore...
Posted by Nessa10[/QUOTE]

What? I think you're being overdramatic.

Assisting with wedding planning is not equal to supporting your marriage. Most people (especially if you are young enough to still be in school) don't have much interest in helping plan someone else's party. Some people do enjoy assisting with wedding plans, and some people are just good at faking an interest to make their friends happy. Sounds like she fits neither of these molds. Can you really blame her for wanting to spend time having fun and focusing on her own life, rather than helping plan YOUR wedding?

I also don't see how she is going to "hold you accountable for your vows." The vows are between you and your FI, not the community at large. If she's kind to you and FI and supports your union, that's all you can ask for. Her assisting with wedding planning, or a lack thereof, does NOT mean that she isn't supportive of your marriage vows.

There is a HUGE difference between the engagement period, the wedding day, and the marriage. The engagement period is simply preparation for the event. The wedding day is important, but it's just one day and a lot of ceremony and celebration. The MARRIAGE is what's important. THAT is where you need "support" - if you need someone to hold your hand at 4 a.m. if your husband is in the hospital, if your house burns down and you need a place to stay, etc. Helping you plan a party is not the "support" that a marriage needs.

trix1223 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0c61e15e-6ca7-41fb-9400-ce0d397c3126Post:eac93098-3633-49bf-83d2-edacfabdb88d">Re: bridesmaids.... HELP</a>:
[QUOTE] I don't want to hurt her, or become a bridezilla. Too late. Kicking out one friend, and now kicking out another because she doesn't have lunch with you often enough to discuss your wedding means that you've crossed the zilla finish line. All I want is to have people up there that I know will hold me accountable to my vows for the rest of my life.. I don't feel like she will be that anymore... Bwaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha. I'm not even sure what this exactly means, but it made me laugh. Shouldn't the one holding you accountable to your vows for the rest of your life be.....you know....YOU? Where in heaven's name did you get the silly, lame, and misguided opinion that that is a BM responsibility?
Posted by Nessa10[/QUOTE]

ninjasgirl · March 2010

I want to start by saying that I agree with the individuals above. You don't kick people out of the wedding party. You may be expecting too much.

But I can understand wanting help because my FI isn't able to. So I picked a couple key things I needed to accomplish that are better done with more hands (addressing invitations and DITY ceremony programs). Then I picked a date where we could all get together and had an Invitation Party. I made lots of food, cocktails, and movies. They had a good time and I didn't have to address 100 invites myself. But this only works 1 or 2 times and you have to give them enough notice. The key is moderation...lol.

duckie1905 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0c61e15e-6ca7-41fb-9400-ce0d397c3126Post:329cce7f-3b01-4c19-a17a-18c9ea95b27b">Re: bridesmaids.... HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I want to start by saying that I agree with the individuals above. You don't kick people out of the wedding party. You may be expecting too much. But I can understand wanting help because my FI isn't able to. So I picked a couple key things I needed to accomplish that are better done with more hands (addressing invitations and DITY ceremony programs). Then I picked a date where we could all get together and had an Invitation Party. I made lots of food, cocktails, and movies. They had a good time and I didn't have to address 100 invites myself. But this only works 1 or 2 times and you have to give them enough notice. The key is moderation...lol.
Posted by ninjasgirl[/QUOTE]

Considering the OP's MOH isn't really showing an interest I don't think throwing a party to conceal the fact that you want them to do work for you is a good idea. I've been invited to these parties before. I've always felt obligated to attend which sucks considering I'm not obligated to help.

Yeah, I got a little wasted on her wine and ate her food, but it still wasn't the most fun I've ever had. The party would've been a lot better if I didn't have to help her make her favors.

If the WP shows interest then fine. But, to throw an invite party for a non-interested WP is only going to cause more drama because then you are throwing wedding events that they'll feel obligated to attend.

aerinpegadrak · March 2010

The other thing is that people who want to help with the wedding will help with or without a title. I've been helping a couple of friends with their weddings because I'm in wedding mode right now, but I'm not a bridesmaid for them. Our groomswoman came over to help with invitations not because we guilted her into it or threw a fake party, but because she genuinely wanted to. None of the other girls offered, which was fine.

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