Hey everybody. I hope someone can help me.
I am getting frustrated and don't know what to do. My Fiance and I are getting married July 1st 2012, and we're starting to plan our wedding. My parents are paying for it and we're working on saving up for things (venue, photographer, dj, ect.) My Fiance came to me today and said his mother said that she is feeling left out, however, we aren't making to many choices and stuff right now, but she said she didn't know we did a registery already and my mom and her were talking, and my mom was talking about what flowers i want and the type of wedding dress i want and it hurt his mother's feelings that she "wasn't told about it" however, I didn't tell her cause nothing is set in stone yet and we're just looking at pictures and stuff. I an just so frustrated right now to the point where i don't know what to do. No choices are being made right now and my mom just wants to keep some things to us right now while we save up for it, but his mom wants to be included in everything. They both are really touchy to the point where you say the wrong thing and it'll hurt their feelings. How can I make everyone happy????? Any suggestions?
Re: I don't know what to do.
it's perfectly fine and reasonable for you to have a different relationship with your own mother than you do with your FMIL.
and it's not your responsibility to keep everyone happy. from the sensitive personalities involved here, it sounds like you couldn't accomplish that if you tried!
so relax - you've done nothing wrong. but best to pre-empt this kind of super sensitivity in the future with your FMIL by taking extra special care to "include" her in stuff.
when we were planning our wedding, we did a couple of things to go out of our way to include my MIL who wasn't super involved. we planned to attend a big cheesey bridal show with her, invited her to check out the venue during an early meeting... that sort of thing. the suggestion about the occasional email is a great one! it doesn't take much and if it makes her feel good, why not?
I could have written this post. My only suggestion, other than what the PP's have suggested, is to give your FMIL a "task" for the wedding. My FMIL was throwing a pity party because my mom was more involved (considering she is paying and is my best friend it makes sense, but I digress) and I figured out something she could do to contribute so she has "something to do". Flowers are not provided at my venue (getting married in Vegas) unless you want to pay an arm and a leg, SO I asked my FMIL if she would make the BM bouquets...we went shopping together and now she is making all 7 of them (ugh you read that right, tons of them) and she feels better. I still plan with my mom but can call my FMIL and talk wedding stuff without having to go into every detail. Also, make sure to bring her for dress shopping, helps A LOT. Hope this helps GL!
[QUOTE]I disagree with PP. I think you should definitely talk to your mom in detail about everything because SHE is paying for it. She needs to be very in the loop. I think your FI needs to tell his mom that nothing has been planned yet, and if he should step up and fill her in on details if that's what she wants. I do think PP is on the right track with suggesting quick emails. Just send her some of your "inspiration" ideas and pictures of things and ask what she thinks. You could also put her in charge of something - for example, planning the rehearsal dinner - and let her go to town on that project.
Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]
I don't think she said to keep OP's mom out of the loop. She told OP to tell her mom to stop sharing in detail with FI's mom.
You haven't done anything wrong and neither has your mom. You will have to discuss your ideas with your parents because they are paying for your wedding. Your mom probably shared those ideas with your FMIL because she is excited about the wedding.
If you tell your mom about your FMIL's complaint, your mom will probably be offended and then she will not want to talk wedding with FMIL. That will accomplish exactly the opposite of what FMIL wants. Fi should be meticulous in keeping his mother informed. If you want to get a email correspondence going with her, I'm sure she will enjoy it and it might help improve your relationship with her.
Happy planning : )
[QUOTE]Hey everybody. I hope someone can help me. I am getting frustrated and don't know what to do. My Fiance and I are getting married July 1st 2012, and we're starting to plan our wedding. My parents are paying for it and we're working on saving up for things (venue, photographer, dj, ect.) My Fiance came to me today and said his mother said that she is feeling left out, however, we aren't making to many choices and stuff right now, but she said she didn't know we did a registery already and my mom and her were talking, and my mom was talking about what flowers i want and the type of wedding dress i want and it hurt his mother's feelings that she "wasn't told about it" however, I didn't tell her cause nothing is set in stone yet and we're just looking at pictures and stuff. I an just so frustrated right now to the point where i don't know what to do. No choices are being made right now and my mom just wants to keep some things to us right now while we save up for it, but his mom wants to be included in everything. They both are really touchy to the point where you say the wrong thing and it'll hurt their feelings. How can I make everyone happy????? Any suggestions?
Posted by Klembcke[/QUOTE]
You should be frustrated with your MOTHER, she is the one who told fmil what you talked about.
Your fmil felt bad having to hear wedding ideas from your mother and not from you or her son, I can understand that.
You can make everyone happy by telling your mother to not tell fmil what the two of you talk about.
We had been telling her about stuff but she was giving negative feedback about everything!! Finally we had a concersation and she apoligized and it's fine but I still will plan by myself. I want it done my way (even if that sounds rude or whatever).
If you want to include FMIL more though you could send her emails about options and just ask her opinion.. just be prepared if you don't like it. Or just tell FI to take care of it. Mine is working on that still. good luck!
I kind of had the same issue, and I get that moms want to be involved with the planning of their son's wedding, but bottom line is, if you aren't taking the initiative with what you want to do, and aren't fronting the cash, then you gotta sit back and let it happen. You can't be involved in any decision making if you don't pay. What if you say you want purple flowers and she says "No, I hate purple flowers" "Well tough $hit! I got a checkbook that says we are having them."
If she doesn't put up any loot, then ask her what she would like to help with, in the means of putting stuff together (invitations, favors, decorations etc.) Then she is included in some way.