Gay Weddings

Mrs. or Ms.?

Hi, I could use some opinions please!

We're inviting two women to our wedding. They had a commitment ceremony years ago, before domestic partnerships/civil unions were legalized in our state. We are unsure if their marriage is legally recognized or not at this point, but we know they kept their own last names. So I'm not sure if it's proper to address them as Ms. Jones and Ms. Smith, or Mrs. Jones and Mrs. Smith.

I thought maybe we'd print "Ms." on the envelope since it's kind of a "failsafe" option for not knowing a woman's preferred title ... but I also don't see why they'd be offended by "Mrs." since they ARE a married couple, even if they don't necessarily use the Mrs. title. I wouldn't want them to think that we're not recognizing their marriage if we use Ms. We've lost touch with them over the years (so we don't have a phone number where we could call them and simply ask), but we want to send an invite and let them know that they're welcome.

So, married girls, what do you and your wives prefer? Ms. or Mrs.? Thanks for your opinions!
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Re: Mrs. or Ms.?

  • tke203tke203 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hmmm....  I might put Mrs., just to asknowledge that you are aware of their marriage and you don't want to overlook it.  I don't think they'd be offended and may be happy to know that you fully support their union.
  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Thanks, that's what I figured :)

    Now if only Fi would get me their dang address ... :P
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  • edited December 2011
    Your invites may have gone out by now, but in the future, I would just come out and ask the happy couple what title they prefer. . By asking, you've just shown how much thought and respect you put into thier feelings regarding what thier union means to them.
    Nancy
  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_mrs-ms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:44Discussion:94ef4529-e67d-4e92-b31f-1377e416257aPost:1e4064b1-a781-4795-b7c1-f0223baf530f">Re: Mrs. or Ms.?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your invites may have gone out by now, but in the future, I would just come out and ask the happy couple what title they prefer. . By asking, you've just shown how much thought and respect you put into thier feelings regarding what thier union means to them. Nancy
    Posted by resol69[/QUOTE]

    We're not sure how to get in touch with them, hence why I asked here. (They were good friends with FI's late mother, and since she's passed on we've unfortunately lost touch with them.)

    But FI found a few old phone numbers for them earlier today, luckily, so he'll try calling tomorrow. If he gets through then I'll be sure to let him know to ask them what titles they prefer :) If not, we might just send it to their last known address and hope that it might get forwarded to wherever they are now!

    Thanks for weighing in!
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  • 2dBride2dBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm one of those old-school enough to remember all the rules for how to use "Mrs."--and to be very glad I now have "Ms." as an option!  Essentially, the old rule was that Mrs. was used only for a woman who had changed her name on marriage, and (unless she was divorced) was only used with her husband's (not her) first name.  So if Kathy Jones married John Smith and took his name, she would be Mrs. John Smith if married or widowed, and Mrs. Kathy Smith only if divorced.  If she didn't take his name, she would remain Miss Kathy Jones even though married.  By that rule, your friends would both be "Miss."

    However, following those rules today would definitely antagonize your gay friends, and even your straight ones.  I would say to address these people the way you would address any straight friends who kept separate last names.  I personally would use Ms. in that situation, but you can make your own decision, so long as you treat the gay ones and the straight ones the same way.
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