May 2012 Weddings

Ready to strangle my FI

I love him to death...but he stresses over nothing. He has done nothing for the wedding. i have handled everything...even paying for it.

But he recently overdrafted his account 4 times in 3 days and got charged 150 bucks in overdraft fees. So last night i laced in to him about his finances and his lack of attention to his money. I told him i was about to take his paychecks and handle his bills and he basically told me to...go somewhere.

I just signed papers for the house monday...and we both need to contribute equally to it in order to make the payment every month. i cant afford the 2 grand a month alone with other bills like my car and school loans to pay. I am worried he is too irresponsible to handle it.

ive sat down, had the convo with him. but he only gets motivated when i nag him. THEN he finally gets up and changes things. Ive been hounding him for 2 weeks about getting his inspection license so he can move to working at a dealership that will pay him 9 more bucks an hour and guarantee him 40 hrs.  Right now, he is not even pulling in 20 hours a week wrench time (he is a mechanic....former iron worker who hurt his back and cant go back to that line of work)  When he was an iron worker, he would get laid off for 6 months at a time. he would spend all his money while he worked and then had to live off of unemployment for 6 months. he could never save. when i first met him, i had to basically force him to go get something off the books.

UGH...stress. men are so irresponsible. i just dont get it. hes only a year older then me.  Handling the situation only makes it seem like i am nagging him..but he isnt in the mind set yet that we are a team.  I took the house mortgage on my own. consolidated all of our bills...but i feel like he needs to be given an allowance since his spending is so irresponsible. he loses hundreds a month because he is not mindful of where it is going.

anyone else have a FI or now DH that is just terrible with money? how are u handling this?

Re: Ready to strangle my FI

  • My fiance is the one who is way better with money actually. I hate dealing with numbers and bills totally stress me out so he does it all. Thank goodness!

    Do you guys have a joint account? My BFF has a husband who sounds the same. Really no awareness of what he spends and really not much to show for it either, it just kind of goes somewhere. She started the joint checking and watches everything. He also now gets an allowance. Seems silly that a 29 year old would need to be babysat basically but it's been working. She also took all credit cards away. She said it's working but it's def. been tough love! 

    Also, for myself, I set up a warning on my checking account for when my balance goes below a certain number. If I get it, I go into the "oh sh*t" mentality that I am out of money. And i'm not allowed to transfer anything from my savings.  It's like my own little punishment lol
  • YES!  I had similar problems with my FI... He just... never paid attention!  It drove me crazy.  We bought our house about a year ago, and we decided to combine bank accounts at that time.  He left me in charge of the finances, because "I' would be better at it."  uh, duh!  It's taken a loooong time, but we've finally been able to work through things and develop a financial strategy that works for us.  I pay bills, balance the checkbook, etc. and when he buys something, he gives me the receipts.  This way, there's no surprises when I attempt to balance our account.  He started realizing how much he was spending as he pulled a stacks of receipts (always use our debit cards- we never carry cash!) out of his wallet.  Something else we experimented with was us getting cash out and it was his "allowence" for the week.  I hated this; I'm not his mother!  And, you never know when things come up.. so we quickly scratched this plan!  It'll take time and lots of patience, but eventually, you guys will get on the same page!
    image

  • edited May 2012
    I can't say that my DH was as irresponsible as you have described above but, he definitely has a different view about money than I do.  I am a numbers person by trade (accounting/business mgmt) so, I am always looking at my budget and making sure I have money in savings as well as paying everything as needed.  He is a little less focused about those things than I am.  So, when we moved in together, we agreed to open a joint account that would be for the household bills and we each changed our direct deposits to allow us to contribute the amount needed to cover the bills (we share everything equally).  We also made sure to deposit whatever was remaining from our paychecks after the joint was covered, into our personal accounts and that money is ours to spend and/or save as we see fit.  Additionally, I am the one responsible for the joint account and getting everything paid on time.  So far, this process has worked perfectly for us.  We haven't had a single argument over money in the 2 years we have lived together; all bills are paid on time; and we have money in all of our savings accounts, both joint and personal.  
    Maybe consider looking into something like this so you know the household things are covered but, he still feels like he has some say in how he spends his own money.  Men are very focused on being able to spend their "hard earned money" anyway they see fit, even when it might not be the best way to spend it.  Guide him towards other options, keeping in mind that nagging him will only make him resist any change more.  If he feels you are working with him and not against him, he will be much more open to other possible options.  HTH  
  • My FI is an accountant so luckily we are both pretty good with money. Finances are the #1 cause of divorce so I made sure I was marrying someone who matched my financially. This was something we talked about at length in counseling.

     

  • My FI is a financisl planner... so I will be the one causing trouble! I'm pretty good at saving money, and FI and I have a budget for everything, down to gifts, so we should be okay ;)
    image
  • My FI is a mechanic as well, and I know the work goes up and down.

     

    Lucky for me he is excellent with money, and when we combined our finances I got to stop thinking about bills.  I am so much happier because of it.

     

    One piece of advice, don’t nag him about it.  He will end up being angry with you, and you will be angry because you have to nag him.  Put your budget on paper, and show him how much he needs to contribute.  Show him exactly how much “extra” he has to spend as he sees fit, and see what he says.

     

    Good luck!

      
    image
  • we do carry a joint account. But he barely contributes...so to me its like Why the F do we have this account. I combined our car insurance and i am trying to pursued him to get on my cell phone plan also. So then the only bill he will have is his car which is automatically deducted. 

    I have a set amount which i have automatically deposited into an account. all my bills are autopaid. But i check them once  a week to make sure something weird isnt happening.

    I caught a mistake last week when Geico combined our accounts. They charged him almost 200 bucks even though we had a credit. by the time i was done, we got the 200 back...AND next months bill taken care of. He would have NEVER noticed.

    Call me anal but if so much as a dollar is overcharged on my accounts, my butt is up at the bank asking questions. theoretically, its your money. wouldnt you want to know where it went.
    I would.
  • My fi is terrible and has bad credit from his early 20s...I control all money and bills that affect both of us. He had a few bills on his own that I have to remind him to pay. He just doesn't get the importance of payi g them on time. It's like that part of his brain is missing. Lol. He gets paid weekly and me monthy...so he gives me half his paycheck every week to pay towards out combo bills.... After we get settled after the wedding we going to get combo cell plan and car insurance so he literally only have his car payment and college loan to worry on his own. I'm also adding his name to my mortgage to help his credit so we can eventually move into a nicer area.
    image
  • Luckily, my FI is as good at money as I am.

    I think you brought up a really important point - finances are one major point of contention in a lot of relationships when you have a spender & saver together and over time can really affect the relationship in a negative way.

    What I might suggest is seeking financial counseling/planning with a neutral 3rd party.  Your FI might be seeing it right now as just another thing for you to nag him over without realizing the implications not only for him but for you, but if you have a 3rd person they might get the point across and make your FI realize the seriousness of the situation.

    IMO, combined accounts don't mean a damn thing if each person still has their own separate account.  Call me old fashioned, but as a married couple what "you" make is no longer "yours" but "ours".  If you guys had only combined accounts and no individual accounts, you could take better control of your finances.  If it comes to giving him an allowance, then I think that's fine - some people are going to spend however much money the are allowed - whether it is spending their entire paycheck or allowance.

    Personally, I think you taking out the mortgage in only your name is a HUGE red flag to me, esp. since you guys are getting married really soon.  It's not that you guys can't come to a better understanding & arrangement, it's just that I think that you might need a little help (from someone who you know is going to be on your side so to speak ;)
    photo trex2_zps7ab4e9b0.jpg
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • My FI is worse with money than me but we now have a joint account and Ih andle all the bills and then tell him what he can and can't spend money on other than gas and his dip (ugh). It was really hard adjusting to just me handling everything. Also like OP's FI mine works construction and only gets paid when he works. No Job=No Money! Even though he makes more than me (when he works) we always depend on just my pay check for everything!
  • R u marrying my FI, LOL sounds exactly like mine! I feel like pain. I am in the same situation, my FI is horrible with money and is also a mechanic making hardly any money.  He puts his paycheck in the bank and I handle all the bills. Then I tell him how much he has to spend. Sometimes, works some weeks he is hard headed and still goes over. We also have a joint account which until we move out of my moms house we r using as a savings and he is not allowed to touch. I also give him a credit card to use for gas only. Good luck, let me know if u have any other suggestions.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • XxKrazy4uXxKrazy4u member
    100 Comments
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_ready-to-strangle-my-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:ecf122ba-0f79-49b9-88e4-256a17b23cd3Post:664a5021-53ed-4be0-b30d-e4161d341184">Re: Ready to strangle my FI</a>:
    [QUOTE]Luckily, my FI is as good at money as I am. I think you brought up a really important point - finances are one major point of contention in a lot of relationships when you have a spender & saver together and over time can really affect the relationship in a negative way. What I might suggest is seeking financial counseling/planning with a neutral 3rd party.  Your FI might be seeing it right now as just another thing for you to nag him over without realizing the implications not only for him but for you, but if you have a 3rd person they might get the point across and make your FI realize the seriousness of the situation. IMO, combined accounts don't mean a damn thing if each person still has their own separate account.  Call me old fashioned, but as a married couple what "you" make is no longer "yours" but "ours".  If you guys had only combined accounts and no individual accounts, you could take better control of your finances.  If it comes to giving him an allowance, then I think that's fine - some people are going to spend however much money the are allowed - whether it is spending their entire paycheck or allowance. Personally, I think you taking out the mortgage in only your name is a HUGE red flag to me, esp. since you guys are getting married really soon.  It's not that you guys can't come to a better understanding & arrangement, it's just that I think that you might need a little help (from someone who you know is going to be on your side so to speak ;)
    Posted by AurorasEnvy[/QUOTE]

    The mortgage in my name was done for a few reasons....we applied for grants, and given our income together, we did not qualify. IN order to get the grants to help us pay for closing, i had to get the mortgage on my own.
    Also, his credit was really bad. So bad that it was increasing our interest rate and making it impossible for us to afford.
    Lastly, the bank would not take his income in to account because he switched professions. they used to allow 6 months work history...however, now it is 2 years. We couldnt wait 2 years to move. We actually have until July because his parents sold.

    Financially, my name is on the house mortgage..but he is also on the deed. So its not like its entirely mine. the house is joint...but it ultimately affects my credit. the bank told me, once he has been at a steady job for 2 years and once he improves his credit, he can be added.
  • what bothers me is his lack of motivation sometimes...money is money and i can make a lot happen with a little....i work 2 jobs if i need to to make ends meet.
     but its like he has to hit rock bottom to open his eyes to his situation.  my concerns stem from him just not understanding the severity of his lack of responsibilty. I really do want to take everything and combine it but i am met with resistance.

    i think to him its new. he hasnt had to worry about much in the past. but now, we cant be missing payments and have money fly out the window. its a whole new ball game.

    The joint account is set up. and once his direct deposit is squared away, its going to be my suggestion that we start utilizing it as we should.
  • FI and I both handle our money and are very frugal. While we do don't ask each other before making purchases we talk about expensive purchases that we both need to agree upon before purchasing. We trust each other when it comes to money.
    imageDaisypath Anniversary tickers
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards