I can't believe I'm posting this..

akhensley81 · July 2010

I have a BM who's holding out on me with ordering her dress. The wedding is 7 weeks from thiscoming Saturday... and the dress has a 6 week lead time. She has known about this since December and has had plenty of time to order. Every time I ask her about this, she tells me she doesn't have the money but promises that she'll order it in time.

(P.S. She spends at least $200 a month on pot and had no problem dropping over $100 on the bar tab at my bach-party.)

I don't really have a question here. I'm just irritated. To top it all off, this BM is my own sister. Oy. I could make all kinds of bitter comments about how much I bent over backwards for her wedding, but I won't go there.

georgia_bride09 · July 2010

Well, she'll solve your problem for you. If it's not ordered in time, she won't be standing up at your wedding. Her loss.

kikibaby · July 2010

I'd say that if it's super-important that she have this particular dress, you're probably going to have to pony up the dough yourself and hope she pays you back.

lpstl · July 2010

Pay for her BM dress yourself, then steal her pot and sell it to recoup the money.

Easy peasy.

shellydiane820 · July 2010

If she was spending her money on anything else I would probably side eye this, but considering she's spending it on weed, I think someone needs an intervention. Maybe the gang at Patty's Pub can help out. They're good at interventions.

Kristin789 · July 2010

Perhaps this is obvious, but you should tell the host of the event (your mother) that one of the main players hasn't ordered her dress yet, and have the host of the event handle this issue. She's certainly known this person for a lifetime, and she will have more effective ways to deal with her than you.

sarah0725 · July 2010

I think lpstl has the solution.

akhensley81 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-believe-im-posting-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0bbfa135-70c8-4f85-ab8a-e36bb73e21fbPost:71575c83-ca55-4bc2-a539-4b0dbc9032fb">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this..</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, she'll solve your problem for you. If it's not ordered in time, she won't be standing up at your wedding. Her loss.
Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

I know, but it breaks my heart. I don't understand what her deal is. FI brought this up - he's wondering if she's holding out in the hopes that I'll spring for the dress, just so that she can stand up.

She's been very supportive otherwise... she offered to do all our nails for us... she offers to help with planning/tasks all the time. I just don't get it.

akhensley81 · July 2010

lpstl- lmfao!

I've considered springing for the dress... but I don't think I would ever get that money back. We're on a crazytight budget as it is. I "loaned" her $300 to rent a car a few years ago when her car broke down, and have yet to see a dime of that.

georgia_bride09 · July 2010

ensley, I'd hold out. She'll keep playing you if you let her.

Kristen#'s... how do you know that hensley's mom is the host? You're an idiot.

akhensley81 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-believe-im-posting-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0bbfa135-70c8-4f85-ab8a-e36bb73e21fbPost:df9df651-edd1-449f-b2a1-10b26fe905a2">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this..</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps this is obvious, but you should tell the host of the event (your mother) that one of the main players hasn't ordered her dress yet, and have the host of the event handle this issue. She's certainly known this person for a lifetime, and she will have more effective ways to deal with her than you.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

That would be so obvious, but my family situation is a little more complicated. Longstoryshort, I was adopted as a baby... after I was long gone from the picture, my birth parents ended up having another kid... this sister is my biological sister who I just found 6 years ago. My mom (adopted) has only met her once. And her mother (my bio mother) is a trailer trash waste. Bio-mom is actually where she got her pot habit from.

georgia_bride09 · July 2010

ensley, hensley. Whichever.

louisvillebride21 · July 2010

Yay for adoption, huh? My mom actually left when I was a baby, and I wasn't adopted till I was 15, but thank God my mom left.

And ignore Kristin, she's a raging idiot, stuck in "Southern' 50s or something.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · July 2010

The thing is though - she's known about this for more than half a year. She knows when the wedding is, and how much the dress costs.

If she really wants to be in your wedding and stand up for you - then she'll get that dress ordered. But if she doesn't, unfortunately you know where the two of you stand.

I have friends who are hard up for money sometimes and I'd have no problems just springing for the dress myself and telling them they could pay me back in their own time. But she's being irresponsible with her cash-flow. I mean if you wanna smoke pot, fine, but if it's going to interfere with your other obligations and bills and whatnot - maaaaaaaybe you need to do some re-evaluating.

I hope she shapes up.

Kristin789 · July 2010

Putting aside the label of "raging idiot," it is traditionally the task of the event host to be sure that the main players are ready - including outfits - for the event.

That's really not a concept stuck in the 1950s. The host is responsible for people involved in an event held in 2010 and 2011 also.

I understand that this bride's situation is complicated, but whoever is listed on the top line of her invitations is hosting the event and requeting guests to attend. And that person would be able to talk to the bride's sister as a part of her double-checking with the people involved in this event.

akhensley81 · July 2010

georgia- I've been called worse.

LVB- omg I can't even tell you how grateful I am that I got a 2nd chance at a good life, especially after meeting my birth family and realizing the life I could have had. I don't have a lot of respect for my bio-mom but I will always respect her for giving me the chance at the life I've had.

AATB- exactly. If she had set aside $10 a week starting in December when we all picked out this dress together, she would have been able to order it in April. Budgeting is not that hard.

Part of me wonders if she's a bit bitter that I didn't make her my MOH... I was her MOH in her wedding (the one that I won't talk about). When I asked her to be a BM, she actually asked, "do you mean MOH?" and I had to explain that MOH was going to be my BFF.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-believe-im-posting-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0bbfa135-70c8-4f85-ab8a-e36bb73e21fbPost:ebd24907-d5de-42a7-b380-97c0daa47057">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this..</a>:
[QUOTE]Part of me wonders if she's a bit bitter that I didn't make her my MOH... I was her MOH in her wedding (the one that I won't talk about). When I asked her to be a BM, she actually asked, "do you mean MOH?" and I had to explain that MOH was going to be my BFF.
Posted by akhensley81[/QUOTE]

Oh man... well if that's the case (and I sincerely hope it's not) then that just sounds like a sucky situation all together.

I don't get why people EXPECT to be given certain titles like that. One of my girlfriends who got married a while ago chose one of her high school friends as her MOH, and when that MOH got married this year, my girlfriend was an "usherette." She did it but she was pissed about it. Jeez - I think being included in the day, or even being invited to it, is an honor in itself.

louisvillebride21 · July 2010

Our parents would have laughed in our faces if we whined to them that our wedding party weren't getting their outfits. We're all adults, we don't need our mommy to take care of things for us, host or not.

Kristin&eric · July 2010

the first time i was engaged i had a BM that did that she didnt get it, so she wasnt going to stand up. She had the same excuse! and spent the money as well. I agree with PPs its her loss!!!

louisvillebride21 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-believe-im-posting-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0bbfa135-70c8-4f85-ab8a-e36bb73e21fbPost:be521205-6a2d-4402-a757-8a328830e7de">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this.. : Oh man... well if that's the case (and I sincerely hope it's not) then that just sounds like a sucky situation all together. I don't get why people EXPECT to be given certain titles like that. One of my girlfriends who got married a while ago chose one of her high school friends as her MOH, and when that MOH got married this year, my girlfriend was an "usherette." She did it but she was pissed about it. Jeez - I think being included in the day, or even being invited to it, is an honor in itself.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]
Before we decided to have a much, much smaller wedding, I was going to have 3 bridesmaids. I never asked them, but they were my 3 closest friends. Friend 2 was ONLY interested in throwing me a shower and Bach party. She really didn't care or expect to be MOH. When we scaled back, we decided to only ask our BFFs to stand up with us. Friend 2 lost her shiit on me because I didn't choose her. I choose the girl that would have been MOH anyways. Geeze, grow up people.

akhensley81 · July 2010

Yeah, unfortunately if I "tell her mommy on her"... she'll likely just ask her where she gets such a good deal on her weed.

georgia_bride09 · July 2010

[QUOTE]Putting aside the label of "raging idiot," it is traditionally the task of the event host to be sure that the main players are ready - including outfits - for the event. That's really not a concept stuck in the 1950s. The host is responsible for people involved in an event held in 2010 and 2011 also. I understand that this bride's situation is complicated, but whoever is listed on the top line of her invitations is hosting the event and requeting guests to attend. And that person would be able to talk to the bride's sister as a part of her double-checking with the people involved in this event.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

75% of invites these days either say "Together with their families" or actually list the B&G as hosts. Get with the times, Donna Reed.

baystateapple · July 2010

See, if it was any other bridesmaid I'd be spouting off the line of "if she doesn't have the dress, then I guess she's not standing up".

If I was my sister, I'd tell her to get her rear in gear. My sister would probably be in the same situation, if my mom hadn't paid for her dress FOR her.

Aedes* · July 2010

You are hilarious hensley.

akhensley81 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-believe-im-posting-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0bbfa135-70c8-4f85-ab8a-e36bb73e21fbPost:f3856837-dc43-4376-ab95-469be9e687fe">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this..</a>:
[QUOTE]See, if it was any other bridesmaid I'd be spouting off the line of "if she doesn't have the dress, then I guess she's not standing up". If I was my sister, I'd tell her to get her rear in gear. My sister would probably be in the same situation, if my mom hadn't paid for her dress FOR her.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

I've tried this every which way... I was in her town this weekend for the air show and stopped by her house to bring her some things and say hi to my niece and nephew. While I was standing there, I asked her if she wanted to get in the car with me and I would take her over to the shop to get the dress ordered and get it out of the way. She still turned me down. I don't think there's any more that I can do.

baystateapple · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-believe-im-posting-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0bbfa135-70c8-4f85-ab8a-e36bb73e21fbPost:1aed53f0-5d35-4916-9e3d-9963dbbcf0a0">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this.. : I've tried this every which way... I was in her town this weekend for the air show and stopped by her house to bring her some things and say hi to my niece and nephew. While I was standing there, I asked her if she wanted to get in the car with me and I would take her over to the shop to get the dress ordered and get it out of the way. She still turned me down. I don't think there's any more that I can do.
Posted by akhensley81[/QUOTE]

Yeah at this point, there's not much else you CAN do besides call her up and say "The deadline for ordering the dress is next week. If you haven't ordered it by then, I'm going to assume you don't want to be in the wedding party." Then leave it at that. The proverbial ball is in her court; you've done all you can.

Midgie373 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-believe-im-posting-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0bbfa135-70c8-4f85-ab8a-e36bb73e21fbPost:393a7791-0836-499f-821d-abc187087a1c">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this..</a>:
[QUOTE]If she was spending her money on anything else I would probably side eye this, but considering she's spending it on weed, I think someone needs an intervention. Maybe the gang at Patty's Pub can help out. They're good at interventions.
Posted by shellydiane820[/QUOTE]

OMG... I totally love you for mentioning my favorite show. :)

arv266 · July 2010

It seems like you only have two choices -- either you let things stand and see if she orders on her own (with the understanding that she might not do it) or suck it up and buy the dress for her. Unfortunately, as much as we want to, we can't make people do the things we want, and she might be sending you a message by not buying the dress.... Which decision can you live with more? I had asked my niece to be in my wedding party, and she still doesnt have her dress. Its a little bit hurtful to me that she hasnt gotten it (her excuse is that she is waiting to take her mom and aunt to the store with her) but in her own way she's let me know that she's taking a pass in being in my wedding. What is the absolute worst that will happen? What if she doesnt get the dress? Is she automatically out, or can she wear something else?

Bubbalub · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-believe-im-posting-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0bbfa135-70c8-4f85-ab8a-e36bb73e21fbPost:e3725bfe-d4cc-47ad-80bc-78a084a92d11">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this..</a>:
[QUOTE]Putting aside the label of "raging idiot," it is traditionally the task of the event host to be sure that the main players are ready - including outfits - for the event. That's really not a concept stuck in the 1950s. The host is responsible for people involved in an event held in 2010 and 2011 also. I understand that this bride's situation is complicated, but whoever is listed on the top line of her invitations is hosting the event and requeting guests to attend. And that person would be able to talk to the bride's sister as a part of her double-checking with the people involved in this event.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

It's a concept stuck in the past because you are making the grand assumption that her mother is hosting the party, not Hensley and her FI. Why make that assumption at all?

Besides, if my sister seemed to not be interested in ordering her dress in time for the wedding and I went running to mommy about it she would tell me the same thing she has always told me: "You're a big girl. Figure it out yourself."

Bubbalub · July 2010

Oh, and Hensley, I feel for you. That totally sucks. While it is true that we have no right to judge what other people spend their money on putting off buying a dress for your own sister's wedding in order to spend the money on weed is crap.
Hugs.

akhensley81 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-believe-im-posting-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0bbfa135-70c8-4f85-ab8a-e36bb73e21fbPost:3fa7841f-2a54-4857-a33d-8efe9b62151d">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this..</a>:
[QUOTE]If it is that important to you that she is in the wedding, let her wear something she already owns that coordinates with the colors. At this point, she's going to have to pay rush fees and that will just make everything more expensive. Do you think she doesn't want to be in the wedding and that is why she is stalling on getting the dress?
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

I'm torn on this. All of the signals she's giving me are pointing to how excited and happy she is about the wedding... except for this damn dress thing. I think she's truly just an idiot with her money. I'm afraid if I bend and spring for this dress, it's just going to continue to support her behavior.

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