OOT Bridesmaid!

shorti3102 · June 2010

I have a similar issue, although I haven't officially chosen my BMs yet. I'm getting married in Orlando, but FI and I live a 7 hour drive away. Only one of the girls actually still lives there, so it'll be interesting to see how this will play out.
Fares are constantly changing, try leaving on a tues or wed like rebaguid said! Since she keeps things to herself maybe try bringing up the subject to see how she really feels (that's how I am)
f it was in my budget, I would offer to pay for all my girls dresses, that way they couldn't complain about style/color ;-)

Allison&Anthony · June 2010

My MOH and all BMs are out of town. I'm having them stay with me at my house while they're in town. Meals are paid for. One of my BMs approached me about finances so I paid for her dress. It's more important to me that she be with me on my special day than having an extra $150 in my wallet. I agree with the poster before me... give her the option so she doesn't feel pressured. Or flat out ask her if she'll still be able to make it. If she says no and finances are the reason, you can offer with $$ then.

JulianneGeorge · June 2010

All of my bridesmaids are out of town and none are that well off, all either just starting marriage or just starting a family...one just had a baby 2 weeks ago and the wedding is in 4 weeks!

I didn't want my wedding to be a burden on any of them, I wanted them to be able to come worry free to just enjoy being with me! That said, I'm paying for their dresses, jewelry, housing and hairdos. (but I did find cheap ways to provide most of those, saving my own budget. We also saved money in lots of other areas. Example: I would rather have less flowers and decorations so my bridesmaids could have fun without worry).

I'm not paying for their plane tickets to the wedding, mainly because I paid my own way to go to all of their weddings (I'm almost the last one). However, I am going to pay gas money for the only un-married one who will drive 7 hours to get to the wedding.

The way I see it, getting married is NOT all about me, but it's about beginning marriage with my BEST FRIEND, and having my other best friends there to be a part of it. I can't imagine doing it without them, that's why I want to provide a way for them to be there, stress free.

HKD817 · June 2010

I have almost the exact situation. My BM lives in Florida. Her 1st child is my flower girl as well. She just had her 2nd baby a few months ago. So not only is she paying for her dress, but the flower girl as well. She hasn't said anything about the money to me either. Thankfully her husband is an engineer for Southwest so she is getting the flights for free. I offered to give her money but she wouldn't take it. I even gave her the option to back out of being my BM if it was too much for her. I would have totally understood. But she swares they are ok, so I dont know what else to do but believe her.

cachtem · June 2010

My MOH is flying in from out of town. I told her she could wear a black dress (so she could decide to either buy a new one or wear something she has). I'm not having any other bridesmaids. I'm actually already legally married (we wanted a small civil ceremony just for us), so my upcoming small wedding is just for "show". So my question to you all is, are attendant gifts still necessary?
(I bought dinner for our witnesses to our civil ceremony)

talybride · June 2010

My sister is going to be my maid of honor, she is coming from Brazil where all my family is, so my dad is going to pay the passage and my mom her dress. I think you should try to at least buy her dress and maybe help her with some money for the passage. Talk with her, try to be clear and I think you together will figure it out. At least she already has a place to stay and is going to be fun be by your side on your big day and also see the other friends.
Good luck!!!
Taly.

talybride · June 2010

My sister is going to be my maid of honor, she is coming from Brazil where all my family is, so my dad is going to pay the passage and my mom her dress. I think you should try to at least buy her dress and maybe help her with some money for the passage. Talk with her, try to be clear and I think you together will figure it out. At least she already has a place to stay and is going to be fun be by your side on your big day and also see the other friends.
Good luck!!!
Taly.

meoyen · June 2010

With her not mentioning anything, I would probably start with the offer to get her a ride from the airport, and a place to stay.
When people move away, that's something that comes with them moving far from home. I wouldn't expect a bride to pay for my anything when I was a bridesmaid. You will be paying for an entire wedding.

Also, my brother went down to Costa Rica for a destination wedding and he paid his own way, for his own tux, and everything. The thing that bothered him was when he realized there were extra costs when he got down there that he'd have to pay for that he had no idea about (four wheeler rides), so I would definitely let her know of any costs that it may be to be a bridesmaid so that she doesn't get upset when she finds there are unexpected costs, if there are any!

--Michelle

psakura13 · June 2010

I know the feeling. My Matron of Honor called me upset feeling she couldn't financially support being in my wedding. I am offering for her to stay at my place with her family so she doesn't have to incur that additional cost, plus we have a car to spare so she can get around. I couldn't afford to pay enitrely for the dress, but I paid for half and paying for her hair to be done. More than fair since I had to pay for my flight, dress and some of her wedding expenses (as part of my gift) when she got married.

trishinbanff · June 2010

3 out of 4 of my BM's all live across the country. I did not offer to pay for anything for them (can't afford to). I specifically chose my wedding date so that it was close to "off season" but not too off that it would be snowing! they dress they chose was a little over $100 US and all my BM's had over a year to plan/book flights. They are all going to be sharing rooms with each other or other family to cut down on costs (2 are sisters and the other is my cousin and they all know each other and get along-woo hoo). I also told all of them that I didn't want anything other than them at the wedding, no gifts no showers/parties and I didn't expect them to come out before the wedding.

I am booking a room at the local hostel for all of us the night before the wedding (the hostels here are like hotels) and I'll pay for that to ease some of the $$ issues for them.

jddorsey · June 2010

I think you should talk to her about finances and ask her if she can afford the trip, and be prepared to offer something like offering her a place to stay, paying for the dress, etc.

maim30 · June 2010

I mean if you ask them knowing they are out of town then I feel you should help her out. All of my bridesmaids are out of town and so far none have asked for help but to cut down on expenses I am helping in whatever ways that I can. My fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves.

I have two bridesmaids and one matron of honor.

None have asked me for help with their dress, hotel or airfare....so far. But if you look online at flights I can tell you that Wednesday is the best day for a good deal. I am not sure why but I looked at flights for my sister and on a Tuesday it was $226 for her to leave on a Friday and then the next day, Wednesday, the same flight was $186.95.

We are all staying the night before the wedding in my hotel room so that should help them out a lot.

They only have to pay for one night themselves if they stay the night right after the reception.

I did offer to pay for my sister's airfare but not the other two. I am having a friend do our hair and since that will be almost nothing I am paying for everyone to get their hair done and my fiance is paying for us all to get our nails and toes done. I am making their jewelry they will wear and that is also their gift.

But since they know almost a year in advance too they can start planning and saving.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

One of my bridesmaids lives in Alaska and is due to have her baby in August, just two and a half months before her wedding and yes, I am paying for her bridesmaid dress

It's worth it to have her by my side!

christinamaire.design · June 2010

I'm in a similar situation. All of my maids are OOT, 2 of 4 will have to fly, all 3 gms are also OOT, and one might not even make it because he'll have to fly from Spain. As far as offering to help for one of the BMs I'm planning on offering her a place to stay and probably helping her with rides so she doesn't have to rent. One of the GMs we gave our free tux offer too, otherwise we knew we would have been too tight financially.

In your situation I would say, if she doesn't say anything outright to you, do as much as you can to help her with the little things. Like others have said maybe paying for hair, transportation in town, just something little to help out that will hopefully be more in your budget!

tameingraleat · June 2010

I was a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding 3 weeks ago. I was originally supposed to pay for my own dress, but I lost my job in December, and when I offered to back out of being in the wedding (since nothing for me was paid for yet), the bride graciously offered to pay for everything. And instead of flying (we live 600 miles apart), I made the 10 hour trip with her dad a few days before.

Granted, I felt horrible that the situation had turned to this, but I was also touched that she wanted me in the wedding that badly. (Too bad one of her other bridesmaids treated the bride's two oldest friends like little more than baby-sitters and servants - I was in charge of the two junior bridesmaids, and myself and the bride's other friend from grade school were spoken to like we were less than nothing by this particular bridesmaid.)

fertilj41 · June 2010

Well, I currently live in Nashville, but the wedding is Miami, since that's where I grew up. I have 7 BMs and all but one are OOT. I didn't offer to pay for their dresses or their travel fares. I guess you can say its a destination wedding for the majority of the guests b/c 60-70% of our guest list is OOT. I agree with a previous statement that its up to the BM to decline being a BM if its not in their budget. That happened to one of my BMs who delined b/c of funds. I say think of it this way, they were more than likely going to pay the travel costs either way to come to the wedding. If you haven't selected the dress, you can pick something that isn't too expensive and/or cut costs with other things, like hairdo, nails, etc. Also setting up the lodging with you or with mutual friends would also be great. But I don't think you should beat yourself up about not being able to help out financially. We're all adults and should be able to know what our limits are financially, and not blame it on others. Just my two cents.

iswim32 · June 2010

I bought all 4 dresses for my bridesmaids as 3 of them are coming from out of town. It will be part of their gifts. I am not paying for airfare because most of them will be traveling with families.

jamilee85 · June 2010

I have been in numerous weddings where I was the OOT...or one of several (that's what happens when you go away from home for college, where everyone was from somewhere else!). Usually, I have just stayed with the brides or other friends in town, so I've never had to front for a hotel room, unless it was something that we all (as in all the BMs) chipped in for. I've always paid of my dress and airfare. Yeah, it's annoying and expensive (especially for a broke social worker), but I knew that there would be costs associated with accepting the request to be in the wedding. Besdies, if I wasn't a BM, I would still be paying to fly in for the wedding. It has been helpful though to not have to pay for much food...between rehersal dinner, bridesmaid brunch, wedding reception, etc. But...on the flip side...now that I'm the bride, they're all doing the same for me. Being there for each other, is just part of friendship.
If you're able to help, and she needs help, then do it. But if you can't, it's okay. She's going to understand that money might be tight right now. Good luck!

jgmcrf26 · June 2010

I actually originally offered to pay for my BM's dresses and suits for the GM's well. Only one wedding party member is coming from OOT and she will be flying with her husband. I told her to let me know if money for the flight would be an issue and we would find a way to get her from Montana to Indiana. I just want her here, so if that means not giving out a favor (that, let's face it, most people would complain about or throw away anyway), than I am willing to do that.

dee_love · June 2010

I was an OOT bridesmaid for my best friend. I lived in Philly, the other bridesmaid lived in London and the bride and wedding were in South Africa. We considered my bridesmaid dress a gift (and I've got tonnes of wear out of it!).

Now that I am getting married in Chicago she and my other first choice BM (in the UK) both announced their pregnancies within a few months of my wedding planning. S.Af bridesmaid is now a mom to 2month old and can't travel so far with such a young baby, UK bridesmaid is due the week after my wedding so can't fly while pregnant! I'm sad, but as we are having a handfasting ceremony as part of the wedding I asked them each to contirbute a ribbon so that they are still part of my wedding in spirit.

If they had been able to be here I would have offered to pay for their accomodation or something especially as they would be flying 4000- 9000miles.

DaynaandEmil · June 2010

This is such a difficult situation. All of my BM are out of town, 3 out of state! I asked everyone more than 9 months ago so that everyone would have adequate time to save and make arrangements for travel. I am putting everyone up at my house for the weekend (FI and I are going to stay at the hotel where most of our guests are staying on the wedding night), and food is covered. My MOH is a single mom and has to travel the farthest. I originally told her that I would help her with her travel expenses, and when she began looking at flight arrangements we realized that the ticket was going to be around $400.00. I could not afford to pay for the whole fair due to expenses related to the wedding and normal life expenses (rent, food, etc). My FI and I offered to help pay for half of the fair but explained that we could not pay for all of it. At this point my MOH said she would be unable to attend the wedding and be the MOH and I accepted this with understanding and friendship. Since then she has not made any attempts to contact me. She even skipped a bridal shower that was thrown for me in the state where she lived with no explanation, just a reply that she would not be coming. I took insult to this because the shower was only 3 hours away and would have only cost her gas and time. We are now fighting and I am not sure whether or not our friendship is what I originally thought it was. How would the rest of you handle this situation? Did I mention that while she could not afford to come to my wedding because of the airfare, she did manage to afford a trip to disney world (flying her and her son to Orlando) with her entire family about 3 months ago! I live in Tampa, Orlando is only 45 minutes away, so I am reasonably sure she paid approximately the same amount in airfare for that trip.

Emaniac · June 2010

Hmmm the truth is that I have 4 BMs from out of town and I haven't offered to pay...I figure it is just part of the deal, I mean I did it for theirs including their showers and bachelorette parties. In a way I feel guilty but in a way I don't, I'm literally the last one to get married and trust me I've spent a pretty penny. Now, if I felt one of them TRULY was hurting financially I would probably try to help. But being that I'm a public school teacher, no one is worse off than I am....lol.

carrielewis · June 2010

Three of my Four bridesmaids are from out of town. One is a new mother to her 4 kid, one just had her first kid and the other has no kids but is tight on money. When I asked them to be my bridesmaids, I told them only to accept if they could afford to do it. I was raised to know that if you are asked to be in a wedding then you are expected to be able to pay for your dress and transportation. They agreed, so it was their responsibility.

butterflyangel2011 · June 2010

Well one of my bridesmaids is a single mother, out of town, and trying to make ends meet; I did offer to help where I could to get her up to where I am for our engagement party. We are about 4 hours apart and I sure hope that things get better for her.

miaka51 · June 2010

I am from CA and am getting married in WI where I moved after college. So, all my BMs are from CA, and they are flying in early so we can do "wedding-y" stuff since they can't be here to plan etc. They are all staying with me until the night before, when we will probably all stay together in the honeymoon suite at a b&b I am reserving for the whole family. that way, the cost of hotel is covered for every night except the night of the wedding. I am making their dresses (i'm a seamstress so its not tacky, i promise) and yes, that and their accessories will be their gift. I am paying airfare for one of them since she and her man are out of work. However, for her, it was that or she couldnt even attend the wedding. So, if its a choice between having her there or paying, find a way to budget it in or ask a family member to "sponsor" her trip as their wedding gift to you (unless that is just too embarrasing for her). And there is always talking to her about it... just say hey, i know you weren't planning to have to fly in, is everything ok still? simple as that. but be up front about it. its not worth bankrupting her for a party, no matter how important it seems right now.

ash&race · June 2010

I don't think I would pay for her dress if you aren't going to pay for the other bridesmaids; however, I DO think that arranging for accomodations while she is in town would be appropriate.

AlisonABrown2006 · June 2010

My matron of honor lives in Hong Kong (yikes!) and when I broached paying for her flight, she flatly refused. So I am paying for her dress and accessories, which she accepted graciously. For your situation, it will depend on which is better for her. If you can, I'd recommend offering one or the other. Paying for transportation is great. But there's something special about purchasing the outfit for a dear friend, esp. if it's something she would wear again - it'll always have that special sentiment. Hope this helps.

cruechick77 · July 2010

The way I look at things is that she will find a way to make it work. I have 3 out of province bridesmaids....one of them is actually my maid of honor, I gave them all lots of notice and they are gonna make it to my wedding and they know because of my tight budget its all on them. One of my out of province bridesmaids is actually a single mom and still making it work. I am sure your bridesmaid has made plans and budgeted for all of this if she knew for a while.
I do agree that you could maybe offer to cover some of the expense if it is in your budget. and fyi even out of town or out of province wedding party members can be involved in the getting ready for the wedding. my out of province maid of honor is still planning my bachelorette!!! she is working with my in town wedding party.

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