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Chit Chat
DolphinsGirl1
member
Feeling Down....Need some advice. VENT
in Chit Chat
My FI and I have been together for 3 years. There have been times when i have felt this way, and talked to him about it. He worked on the issue and fixed it for a while, but now, i feel the same way again....
About a year ago, i was feeling like FI was controlling me. We hit a bump in the road, and i decided to break up with him.(This is when i told him i felt like he was acting like my dad more than a b/f) While we were broken up, i had relations with a guy that i had became good friends with. It only happened once, but, FI found out about it. He literally made me feel like crap about the entire situation, even though i felt i did nothing wrong. After we talked and everything was fine we got back together. Things went well for a while with little fights here and there about what happened with this guy and I. We recently just got engaged a couple months ago. Ever since that issue happened between this guy and I, i feel like my FI put me on a tight leash. I feel like i cannot go out with my girlfriends, or feel that i have to ask him everytime i want to go somewhere like he is my dad or something. I normally invite him to everything, but when i don't, he gets really upset with me and i try to tell him that i would like a night out with the girls or whatever, but i usually end up not going because he gets upset. This is NOT how i should feel. Am I in the wrong here? I don't know what i should do. I feel if i talk to him, its going to bring up what happened in the past and i really do not want that. Im at a loss as to what i should do......
About a year ago, i was feeling like FI was controlling me. We hit a bump in the road, and i decided to break up with him.(This is when i told him i felt like he was acting like my dad more than a b/f) While we were broken up, i had relations with a guy that i had became good friends with. It only happened once, but, FI found out about it. He literally made me feel like crap about the entire situation, even though i felt i did nothing wrong. After we talked and everything was fine we got back together. Things went well for a while with little fights here and there about what happened with this guy and I. We recently just got engaged a couple months ago. Ever since that issue happened between this guy and I, i feel like my FI put me on a tight leash. I feel like i cannot go out with my girlfriends, or feel that i have to ask him everytime i want to go somewhere like he is my dad or something. I normally invite him to everything, but when i don't, he gets really upset with me and i try to tell him that i would like a night out with the girls or whatever, but i usually end up not going because he gets upset. This is NOT how i should feel. Am I in the wrong here? I don't know what i should do. I feel if i talk to him, its going to bring up what happened in the past and i really do not want that. Im at a loss as to what i should do......
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Feeling Down....Need some advice. VENT
Is this kind of life so appealing to you that you can't let it go and move on? Some people can't.
I think you know the answer to what is best for you.
You only get one life, is this how you want the next 30-50 years to be?
[QUOTE]My FI and I have been together for 3 years. There have been times when i have felt this way, and talked to him about it. He worked on the issue and fixed it for a while, but now, i feel the same way again.... About a year ago, i was feeling like FI was controlling me. We hit a bump in the road, and i decided to break up with him.(This is when i told him i felt like he was acting like my dad more than a b/f) While we were broken up, i had relations with a guy that i had became good friends with. It only happened once, but, FI found out about it. He literally made me feel like crap about the entire situation, even though i felt i did nothing wrong. After we talked and everything was fine we got back together. Things went well for a while with little fights here and there about what happened with this guy and I. We recently just got engaged a couple months ago. Ever since that issue happened between this guy and I, i feel like my FI put me on a tight leash. I feel like i cannot go out with my girlfriends, or feel that i have to ask him everytime i want to go somewhere like he is my dad or something. I normally invite him to everything, but when i don't, he gets really upset with me and i try to tell him that i would like a night out with the girls or whatever, but i usually end up not going because he gets upset. This is NOT how i should feel. Am I in the wrong here? I don't know what i should do. I feel if i talk to him, its going to bring up what happened in the past and i really do not want that. Im at a loss as to what i should do......
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]
This does not sound like a healthy relationship AT ALL. You are definitely correct in your thinking that this is not how you should be treated. I strongly recommend counseling for the two of you or some time apart. At the very least you need to put this wedding on hold. Trust is a very big part of a relationship and I do not think anyone should be planning a wedding with someone who does not allow you to see your friends.
You really need to take a step back here and evaluate your relationship. Is this something you want to try to fix or do you think you'd be better moving on? If you want to fix it, you need to look into couple's counseling and the 2 of you need to learn how to communicate and respect each other. If you don't feel it can be fixed you need to say goodbye, and the sooner the better.
I'm really concerned because this sounds like it could turn into an abusive relationship very quickly if you feel like you can't even spend time with your friends or have to ask to go out.
Good luck and I really hope you get to the bottom of this no matter the outcome.
This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.
Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
I was with my ex for 7 years before we got engaged. He was very similar in personality as your fiance. I wasn't allowed to go places with my girlfriends, I would have to ask him if it was ok for me to go places even with my family. Even if he said it was ok to go out, I would get interogated the minute I came back home. I had thought to myself that if nothing changed by the end of that year, then I was done with the relationship and going to break up with him. He ended up proposing in Oct. and I said yes, hoping his attitude would be different becuase we were engaged. Nope, it didn't. So about 7 months of being engaged I told him I needed some space and time to think about things and a month after of realizing that I didn't have to live my life that way, I called it quits.
Part of what helped me to call it quits was my current fiance. He was a long time friend of mine (we've known each other since we were both 11 yrs old). He would come to visit and always see me crying becuase of this guy. He would always ask to take me out to lunch or whatever but I would always say no becuase I was too afraid of my ex finding out. Finally I agreed to go out with him (during the time that I was taking my space from my ex). I enjoyed being with him and he showed me how I should be treated. We ended up becoming really close and I started to have feelings toward him. After a month of being with someone who actually let me be my own person and didn't mind if I was going to go out with my family or the girls and told me to actually "have fun" while I was out was so amazing. I knew that I deserved so much better than my ex. So...I called him up and told him that I wasn't coming back to him.
My point is, there are other guys out there that will treat you far better than how your fiance treats you now. I know it's hard, becuase although I did find someone better, we did spend 7 years together. I was practically part of his family already. But I just knew that being unhappy in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship was not the way I wanted to live my life.
I wish you the best of luck. I've been through it and I know how difficult it is. You just need to figure out what is best for you and what will make you happy.
Maya
(ISSR Shiloh Shepherd)
[QUOTE]Seshat- He says he is over it, but i really do not think he is. Even though he has not brought the issue up in a few months (we have not fought at all or really even gotten into an argument for it to come up) mainly because im with him 24/7. Literally.<strong> We work together, live together, and spend all of our free time together.</strong> And when i say work together, we are in different buildings, but we talk through IM all day long. So, its like im always with him. Waltz- I understand your concern. And you are right. It will not turn into a physical abusing relationship, <strong>but i feel as though it might turn into that mentally</strong>. My dad was a manipulative control freak, (i no longer speak to him) and i feel that my FI is starting to get that way again. We took a break before (which is when those things happened) because of me feeling like this. I don't want to lose him, but i don't want to feel this way either. I want to have an open relationship where i can go out with my friends (guys or girls) and not worry about him being mad or upset with me.
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]
First, that's not healthy. No two people should spend that much time together.
As for the second bolded statement, this already is a mentally abusive relationship. If he's making you feel like you can't go anywhere without his permission, making you feel guilty when you do, that's emotionally abusive. It's very common for children who grew up around abusive parents get partners that are abusive to them as well. That's why they call it a cycle. It's time to break the cycle.
I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years. My ex was exactly like yours, controlling! I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without being interrogated. If I was around male family members he would get jealous. You say it won't turn abusive physically, but most people who are mentally and emotionally abusive do end up being physical also. My ex is now physically abusive to women too. Also, if he is already treating you as a piece of his property, it's very unlikely to get any better. If he is this controlling now, imagine how it's going to be when you are his wife.
My advice is to get out now. Your freedom in life is not worth feeling like you've "lost" him.
You need to run from this relationship and not ever, ever, ever look back. If he hasn't hit you yet, or physically harmed you, I can guarantee that it's only a matter of time before he does. And he'll blame you for his actions.
You deserve better. But you won't ever find better as long as he's around. GL.
He has no right telling you or making you feel like you are not in control of the decision YOU make. This is your life too and you need to play an active role it in. If you continue to let him run the relationship then you are setting the standard for the rest of your life. And you are unhappy now you will be unhappy in 50+ years.
Repeat this over and over to yourself: I am worthy of love, respect, and all the good things life has to offer.
IMO your FI doesn't give you respect, doesn't love you the way he should, and is not providing you any of the wonderful things life has to offer.
Only you can make this decision. But I think it is time to walk away before it is too late.
Best of luck!
[QUOTE]Ever since that issue happened between this guy and I, i feel like my FI put me on a tight leash. I feel like i cannot go out with my girlfriends, or feel that i have to ask him everytime i want to go somewhere like he is my dad or something. I normally invite him to everything, but when i don't, he gets really upset with me and i try to tell him that i would like a night out with the girls or whatever, but i usually end up not going because he gets upset. This is NOT how i should feel. Am I in the wrong here? I don't know what i should do. I feel if i talk to him, its going to bring up what happened in the past and i really do not want that. Im at a loss as to what i should do......
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]
What should you do? Counseling and put the engagement on hold.
This can easily lead to an abusive relationship, but you might already be there (emotionally). There are huge issues here. Please seek counseling individually and couples. It will not get better by itself.
Planning Bio
Married 9/15/11
*This is Not Legal Advice*
This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.
Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
And let me ask you another question: suppose you have daughters. Is this what you want your daughters to grow up believing is what a relationship is supposed to be like?
I can tell you that I have three adult children. Two are very happily married, and the third is currently not in a relationship. As my daughters were growing up, I said to them over and over and over and over "Be sure that you find someone who treats you like daddy treats me. You deserve that". And the same went for our son. He married a wonderful woman who adores him.....and completely trusts him.
You know this is not the right relationship for you. You say you've invested time in it. How much more time are you willing to invest in a relationship that you know is not healthy for you.
Will it be any better for you if you stay with him for another 6 months? Another year? That will just keep you away from a potentially healthy and happy relationship for another 6 months or year.
Again, you deserve to be trusted, and cherished, and loved. And you're not going to be by your current FI.
My step dad sounds just like your FI when all this first started. But, this is how our story went.
My mom got re-married when I was in middle school. My step dad was beyond a control freak. He hated my dad, me and my brother. He constantly called my mom a whore, told her she was a bitch, and told me and my brother my dad was a piece of shiiit. He had my brother so scared he couldn't even talk. Any time he spoke up my step dad made him cry. He kicked my mom, spit in her face, pushed her down stairs, and pulled her around by her hair. All in front of me and my brother. My mom broke up with him several times, but always took him back. She dated a guy one time when they were separated, and my step dad found out. He took weed killer and wrote "Whore Show Me Crotch" in our grass.
The stayed separated about 6 months after this happened. She took him back, only god knows why. He called me one Friday morning and asked me where I was going to be for the weekend, I was going to the racetrack with FI. He said he wanted to do something special for my mom. I assumed he was talking about taking her somewhere. Boy was I wrong.
I got a phone call Sunday morning. The police, EMS, and firefighters were at my house. They wouldn't let anyone know what was going on. My grandma was in a panic and didn't know where me and my brother were and just wanted to make sure we were ok. She didn't know what was going on, or if my mom was ok.
My step dad shot and killed himself in my mom's bed. I believe it was by the grace of god he didnt' kill her too. My mom has to live with this every single day of her life.
Get out. Get out while you can. Abuse only gets worse. It started out verbal, then physical. Things will only get worse unless he gets help.
My ex-father (I call him chromosome man) was like this. It was a miracle my mom got through pharm school while they were married, he was so friggin controlling. Along with the alcoholism, the hitting, the threatening with a firearm...did I mention he is a POLICE OFFICER??
It only gets worse. You shouldn't feel bad. You did nothing wrong. You guys broke up, you went out with someone else. What the hell ever. He doesn't own you. Tell him to back the eff up and if he doesn't, dump the loser and go date someone worthy of your time.
I realize I can be slightly biased here because of my own experiences, but I am seriously concerned by what I'm reading. Get out of this before you're married to him.
Hawaii with my best friend
Don't think of the time you've spent on the relationship, think of all the time you have left. Is this really how you want to spend it?
This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.
Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
This is going to sound INCREDIBLY cliche, but I finally said, "God, if I need to be out, give me some sort of sign..." And no lie, he and I went out to a Chinese restaurant for lunch, and when I got my fortune cookie, it said, "It's time to end this now, someone else has been waiting for it." I honestly about crapped myself right there.... I went home and cried becuase I wasn't ready to end something that was all I knew, and then I realized, wait... I can't stay in this because it's all I know. So, I ended it, and about a month later, I met the man who is now my fiance.
Moral of the story, I'm not going to say "end it now" because it's totally up to YOU to reach deep inside and figure out why you are with him, and if you truly want to STAY with him.... Good luck! ((hugs))
[QUOTE]He is limiting my contacts with them... But if he is there with me then everything is great. Its only if i go out without him that it becomes a problem. I know that i am in denial here, but my feelings are really strong. I was in a relationship before where my ex of 3 years was cheating on me for about a year of it. I was totally oblivious to it because i didn't want to believe it until i caught him in the act. Even then, it was hard for me to let him go. I also think that has taken a toll on me. I have tried to explain this to FI because that relationship really messed me up. He has not cheated, but he knows what i went through and i basically got together with my FI right after i left my ex. I know you ladies keep saying to leave him and get out of the relationship...its much easier said then done. <strong>I feel like i have my whole life invested with this guy, and if i leave i wont have anything. Which right there is a sign that im letting him get the best of me.</strong> I need to find a backbone and just go out with my friends, and if he doesn't like it then too bad.
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]
Don't believe this girl - it's a lie. It's a lie that he wants you to believe. He wants you to believe that without him you have nothing and you are nothing. It is a lie! Get out now before you get hit, or killed, or before y'all have kids and you put them through this. Imagine 5 years from now your kids seeing him treat you this way, or worse he starts treating your kids this way. Imagine you have a son some day and look at what he'll have to look up to as far as how to treat women. It will be hard, it will be a struggle, but women do it every day and I can't think of any women that say "man I regret leaving him, I wish I was back with him abusing me again." You will come out on top and with a better quality of life than what you imagined for yourself. Don't settle.
I was in a similar situation as the OP. i dated a guy for two years. Most of the time we were pretty happy. He was a good person, and I still think so, however we just werent right for eachother. I think all the little things would add up, and when we would fight he would call me names, and ALWAYS SOMEHOW spin it around on me. I told him from the beginning I won't date someone who smokes pot. I knew his roomates did it, and sure enough I caught him doing it. Somehow in the midst of our argument he ended up making ME feel like garbage about it and how I was so controlling. At that point I realized that we just weren't meant to be, and being called a B**** by the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone else nd treat you with respect, is not normal. It took me a long time to break up with him, but i am SOOOO glad I did. Once I got over the heartbreak, I always thought "what was I thinking all this time!"
I guess you have to ask yourself, is it only this one issue that there is a problem? To what extent does he emotionally abuse me? You shouldnt be emotionally abused AT ALL, but if it is all and only tied into this one event, I would try seeking counseling BEFORE you get married. If this doesnt help, I would end it. It will only get worse if you can't move on....