MOH Pregnant! Yay! But what now?

ladydragonqueen · December 2012

Firstly, I am SUPER excited for my Matron of Honor. She and our best man had informed us close to the beginnning of our planning process that they were trying to have a baby. We completely understood and told them not to stress out about it if they were unable to be present at the wedding because of the coming baby.

We were told this Thanksgiving that they are three months pregnant and due for May. Because of this, my matron of honor told me that she will not participate in the ceremony, but will still be present on the big day, as well as the best man will be in the ceremony. She'll just have her hands full with her little ten month old.

This is all fantastic. However, as I think about our own plans, some concerns come up such as will she still be able to perform her matron of honor duties even though she will not be participating in the ceremony or is she just not doing anything else from now on. Will she be able to go to wedding events such as the bridal shower and whatnot.

I've asked her if she'll still be helping out in preperation for the wedding, but I'm concerned that I might have come off too insensitive. Was me asking if she still wants to do her duties wrong?

Any advice would be appreciated.

zitiqueen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pregnant-yay-but-what-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a17d7444-c6ad-4f41-ac0f-ab4bdd7088a0Post:00ef3ecd-6a01-4a0b-a624-1c1bea18da30">MOH Pregnant! Yay! But what now?</a>:
[QUOTE]Firstly, I am SUPER excited for my Matron of Honor. She and our best man had informed us close to the beginnning of our planning process that they were trying to have a baby. We completely understood and told them not to stress out about it if they were unable to be present at the wedding because of the coming baby. :) We were told this Thanksgiving that they are three months pregnant and due for May. Because of this, my matron of honor told me that she will not participate in the ceremony, but will still be present on the big day, as well as the best man will be in the ceremony. She'll just have her hands full with her little ten month old. This is all fantastic. However, as I think about our own plans, <strong>some concerns come up such as will she still be able to perform her matron of honor duties</strong> even though she will not be participating in the ceremony or is she just not doing anything else from now on. Will she be able to go to wedding events such as the bridal shower and whatnot. I've asked her if she'll still be helping out in preperation for the wedding, but I'm concerned that I might have come off too insensitive. Was me asking if she still wants to do her duties wrong? Any advice would be appreciated.
Posted by ladydragonqueen[/QUOTE]

Oh, do tell, what are her matron of honor duties?

ladydragonqueen · December 2012

Tying the bustle, helping address envelopes, going to the bridal shower, being my moral support, making a speech. I guess, just if she still wants to be involved in wedding preperation with the other gals.

zitiqueen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pregnant-yay-but-what-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a17d7444-c6ad-4f41-ac0f-ab4bdd7088a0Post:0edec625-94b5-4709-8e8b-5da1bfed854f">Re: MOH Pregnant! Yay! But what now?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Tying the bustle</strong> Anybody with two hands can do this

<strong>helping address envelopes</strong> Your FI can do this. It's his wedding too, right?

<strong>going to the bridal shower </strong>This is optional for anybody. It's an invitation, not a subpoena

<strong>being my moral support </strong>You need <em>moral </em>support for what is supposed to be a happy day? Is your FI a jerk or something?

<strong>making a speech </strong>Anybody with a voice who wants to can do this. Again, not a requirement for any specific person

<strong>I guess, just if she still wants to be involved in wedding preperation with the other gals</strong> Again, wedding preparation is the responsibility of two people, and neither of them are your matron of honor. This responsibility falls to you and your FI. Nobody else. If your MOH/BMs want to help and offer to help, fan-dam-tastic, but it's not a job. They're not getting paid. You're supposed to be honoring them for being your nearest and dearest, not expecting them to be free slave labor. If you and your FI are in over your heads, hire a wedding planner.

Posted by ladydragonqueen[/QUOTE]

zitiqueen · December 2012

Read RetreadBride's first response in the * post directly below this one.

AddieCake · December 2012

If she wants to help, she will offer to help, same as anyone who knows you. I had friends who were not in the wedding party offer to help with stuff. Sometimes I took them up on it and sometimes I didn't. Being MOH does not come with additional duties.It isn't anyone's duty or responsibility other than yours and your fiance's to pull your wedding together.

ladydragonqueen · December 2012

Thanks for replies guys. Not exactly what I was asking about, but thanks anyways.

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pregnant-yay-but-what-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a17d7444-c6ad-4f41-ac0f-ab4bdd7088a0Post:be7a2639-9686-41a8-8002-7b5edadd38b8">Re: MOH Pregnant! Yay! But what now?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for replies guys. Not exactly what I was asking about, but thanks anyways.
Posted by ladydragonqueen[/QUOTE]

How is it not what you were asking about? Ziti quoted and addressed your specific list of duty questions individually.

zitiqueen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pregnant-yay-but-what-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a17d7444-c6ad-4f41-ac0f-ab4bdd7088a0Post:694dd28e-2d69-49b3-ae32-74634398e70b">Re: MOH Pregnant! Yay! But what now?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Pregnant! Yay! But what now? : How is it not what you were asking about? Ziti quoted and addressed your specific list of duty questions individually.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

I think what she meant to say was "This isn't what I wanted to hear."

jlm9113 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pregnant-yay-but-what-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a17d7444-c6ad-4f41-ac0f-ab4bdd7088a0Post:00ef3ecd-6a01-4a0b-a624-1c1bea18da30">MOH Pregnant! Yay! But what now?</a>:
[QUOTE]Firstly, I am SUPER excited for my Matron of Honor. She and our best man had informed us close to the beginnning of our planning process that they were trying to have a baby. We completely understood and told them not to stress out about it if they were unable to be present at the wedding because of the coming baby. :) We were told this Thanksgiving that they are three months pregnant and due for May. Because of this, my matron of honor told me that she will not participate in the ceremony, but will still be present on the big day, as well as the best man will be in the ceremony. She'll just have her hands full with her little ten month old. This is all fantastic. However, as I think about our own plans, some concerns come up such as will she still be able to perform her matron of honor duties even though she will not be participating in the ceremony or is she just not doing anything else from now on. Will she be able to go to wedding events such as the bridal shower and whatnot. I've asked her if she'll still be helping out in preperation for the wedding, but I'm concerned that I might have come off too insensitive. Was me asking if she still wants to do her duties wrong? Any advice would be appreciated.
Posted by ladydragonqueen[/QUOTE]

Other PPs have addressed the whole 'BM duties are a myth' part, but as far whether you came off as insensitive, obviously, since she doesn't have actual duties that part was wrong to ask her about. But it doesn't sound like you were doing it to be rude or mean-spirited. She's your MOH, right? So, therefore, one of the people you're closest to? I would just give her a call or talk with her next time you see her. "Hey, MOH, I'm sorry if I came across as wedding-obsessed and realized that my questions probably sounded really insensitive. I know that you don't have any specific duties as my MOH and am so happy that you'll be at the wedding with your bundle of joy."

32daisies · December 2012

I think, if we take the word "duties" out of this, and make it something better, there's a valid question in there. I might be extrapolating, but it's possible what the OP is really saying is, "I still want my MOH to be as involved as she wants to be. If she wants to make the toast, I want her to do it. If she wants to be right at my side at every shower, etc., I want her there. But I also don't want her to feel pressured, and if she's going to have her hands too full to do anything more than be there that day, then I wouldn't dream of asking her to do more. But was I wrong to ask which things she wants to do?"

Was that was you were getting at? Because that's okay. You want her to particpate as much as she wants to, but you want her to know that she can participate as little as she's able to, as well, and you still love and thank her for being there. That's a sentiment it's perfectly fine to express.

MyNameIsNot · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pregnant-yay-but-what-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a17d7444-c6ad-4f41-ac0f-ab4bdd7088a0Post:be7a2639-9686-41a8-8002-7b5edadd38b8">Re: MOH Pregnant! Yay! But what now?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for replies guys. Not exactly what I was asking about, but thanks anyways.
Posted by ladydragonqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh, well in that case, let me tell you exactly what you want to hear:</div><div>
</div><div>She is a terrible friend for not putting her life on hold and not waiting to have a baby until after your wedding. She should know that being MOH is a full time job, and full of tons of duties and responsibilities. She needs to leave the new baby at home to come help you plan your wedding and address your invitations, while your FI sits on the couch or goes out with his friends. If she won't put your wedding first, you should immediately fire her and get a new MOH who will put your wedding first. </div><div>
</div><div>See how ridiculous that is? Yeah, you sound just as ridiculous. MOH has no duties. Your MOH is telling you that she won't participate in the ceremony because she already sees how ridiculous and demanding you are going to be, and she's taking herself out now. There is absolutely no reason that a person with a new baby who is otherwise able to make it to the ceremony can't be MOH for a reasonable and rational bride. Your selfish behavior is driving your friend away. Get yourself and your expectations in check now, before you ruin your friendship. </div>

erinlin25 · December 2012

I too do not see why she still cannot be a MOH!? Again there isn't anything she "has" to do prior to being there at the wedding, which sounds like she plans on being there. She can walk down the aisle and I'm assuming someone will be there she knows that can hold the baby for the ceremony!? And she can give a speech I would think. Maybe offer her mother or MIL to come as well and I'm sure they would help with the baby!? My FSIL was MOH in her best friends wedding 4 months after having her baby. FMIL went to "babysit," but was included in coming to the actual wedding, rehearsal dinner, etc. She went to the ceremony and then chose to go back to the hotel. If you are so happy for your MOH, you need to have a conversation on how YOU can accomodate her if she still wants to be in the wedding party. Let her know there are no expectations but all you want is for her to be there on the day--which she can still do and be your MOH

babyblues21 · December 2012

Wow, I don't think OP was looking for so much hostility in response to a simple question. I feel like these boards are supposed to be so we can help each other and not for someone to express just how miserable they can be.
Anyways, I understand what you are really asking (as I'm pretty sure everyone else did, but apparently they woke up on the wrong side of the bed). Your getting married and her having a baby are both huge life events, and I'm sure you both would both like to there for each other during those times. I also personally don't understand why she won't participate in the ceremony if her baby will be 10 months old by then, but at least she let you know early on. It is perfectly acceptable to ask her if she still wants to help with the shower, give a speech, etc, because you two are obviously very close and she probably does want to help with these things even if she doesn't stand with you at the altar. If she doesn't want to help, you will have to accept it, but at least she will know that you still want her to be a part of your big day. My FSIL (who will still stand with me as a bridesmaid) will be having her baby about a month before our wedding and she also made it clear that she would not attend the bachelorette party (obviously!) which is fine : ). However, she is one of my best friends and I do want to include her, so I'm probably going to suggest doing something somewhat sober in addition to the party just to spend some time with her and my best girls before the wedding so that she can attend if she wants to.

Ajuliana · December 2012

Am I the only one who thinks a ten month old can be held by someone else while the mother stands as the maid of honor in a fifteen minute ceremony? Possibly even if it is a whole HOUR Catholic mass.

Some people are consumed by their weddings, some people by their children. Neither will fall apart if you step away for a half hour.

hollyk224 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pregnant-yay-but-what-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a17d7444-c6ad-4f41-ac0f-ab4bdd7088a0Post:7427ff2c-a12e-4b5a-9c13-864c8042c7d2">Re: MOH Pregnant! Yay! But what now?</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one who thinks a ten month old can be held by someone else while the mother stands as the maid of honor in a fifteen minute ceremony? Possibly even if it is a whole HOUR Catholic mass. Some people are consumed by their weddings, some people by their children. Neither will fall apart if you step away for a half hour.
Posted by Alaynajuliana[/QUOTE]

<div>Nope, you're not. I agree with you. My niece was 8 months old when I got married and her mom (my sister-in-law) was a bridesmaid. I had a good friend of mine hold my niece during the ceremony and during some of the pictures, and everything was fine. </div>

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