Did some snooping about "stepson"

Zomgitsmallory · August 2012

First I just want to clear the air about my last post: despite what I said about him on here, which was out of stress, we treat him like a member of the family that we always knew about. Believe me, this is no easy task, as he is a bit of a challenge. We've pretty much been patching holes in walls and fixing furniture since he got here. His mother has never checked up on him, and we haven't been able to reach her.

FI and I talked about how this happened. He was an athlete in high school, partied a lot, and definitely did well with the ladies. I already knew this. He says she was a total sports slut, and pretty much made her way through every team. He does remember her being pregnant, but they never spoke. Although he doesn't remember it happening, he says it is entirely possible they had some drunken sex at a party at some point. He believes he was always safe, but he was also blackout drunk a lot.

I sent out some Facebook messages to some of his old teammates. She has apparently tried unsuccessfully to pin this child on at least 3 other guys. Frankly, this child looks nothing like FI, and not really the mother for that matter. She is apparently friends with a girl that is casually dating a friend of FI's, which is how she found out where he lives, as well as the others she has accused side note: do I have to invite this girl to our wedding still? Because I kind of want to punch her in the face..

Link: http://m.theknot.com/forums/weddingboards_etiquette_majorlifechangebeforewedding?plckFindPostKeyCat:Wedding20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e165d8539a64a499b6324e0ca7fc67cPost:0799a96b1b4c40b7ad7356281402603c

Snippylynn · August 2012

No, but the poor kid. I can't imagine growing up the way he has and being foisted off on every person around. I hope he can find someone who will take responsibility for him and not treat him as a nuisance. If you are taking responsibility for him, then I would try to get him some help.

I didn't see your previous post about this so I have no other comment to make.

Also? You better be damn sure your FI has been thoroughly checked out by a doctor and is over his apparent drinking problem.

MrsGandthebeag · August 2012

I never saw your previous post but your FI should have a paternity test done to find out if this kid is his.

Stackeye210 · August 2012

Can you please link your original post? It's hard to understand what's going on without previous reference.

Also, no, you don't have to invite her to your wedding.

Zomgitsmallory · August 2012

Snippylynn, FI would have been 15 when he fathered the child, he is now 30. He stopped binge drinking in college and has definitely been checked. I also feel bad for this kid, but we really can't take responsibility if he isn't his. We really can't afford this either way, but will make it work if we have to.

AdeleDazeem · August 2012

The original post was eaten somewhere along the way. I read it, responded, and then boom! Gone. TK ate it.

Basically it said that she was very stressed, this child's mother showed up and dropped the kid off never to be seen again. Her fiance never told her he fathered a child when he was younger and she felt lied to. She also was upset that their first child was suposed to be both of their's first child and she didn't sign up to be a step parent. The child is 14.

I have no idea how old you two are, but if this were me and my husband, I'd be taking care of the kid and getting a paternity test. I can't even imagine what life is life for that little boy right now. Once we had the results of that, we'd decide what to do. No one else is taking responsibility for the child so I'd certainly step in and do it at this point in time until all the facts are in and a safe, permanent decision about where he should live is decided.

lyndausvi · August 2012

I didn't read the other post, but why would you think you would have to invite her in the first place?

I think you should just get a paternity test so you can settle this once and for all.

Zomgitsmallory · August 2012

Sorry cfas, I'm on my phone and it isn't posting the way I'm typing. It's skipping paragraphs and characters.

TheSlowskys · August 2012

In Response to Re:Did some snooping about "stepson":[QUOTE]If she vanished without a trace, how would you invite her anyway?I feel awful for this kid. Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

Op said the Mom found her FI through a girl who is casually dating her fis friend. I think she is asking if she has to invite the "girlfriend" of fis friend because she is mad that the girlfriend told the mom where her FI was.

But if they are in a relationship you have to. Why are you mad at this girl? How does she know whether or not your FI is the father? Unless he is in the witness protection plan and she blew his cover, your anger is misplaced.

You are blaming everyone but FI. If you haven't yet, you really need a paternity test and a lawyer. I've seen cases where a dad has not known he fathered a child because the mom purposely withheld that info from him, and the court has awarded the mother tens of thousands in back child support. Get this figured out before you continue planning the wedding.

Stackeye210 · August 2012

You all need to prove this child is not your FI's and his mother needs charged with abadonment. She sounds awful!

Stackeye210 · August 2012

slowskys, why would she blame her FI though? He clearly had no clue about any of this AND odds are the kid isn't even his.

TheSlowskys · August 2012

In Response to Re:Did some snooping about "stepson":[QUOTE]slowskys, why would she blame her FI though?nbsp; He clearly had no clue about any of this AND odds are the kid isn't even his.nbsp; Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

Maybe blame isn't the right word. I mean op is trying to place responsibility elsewhere. In her other post she said she didn't think her FI should have any responsibility even if it was his kid.

Avion22 · August 2012

I responded to your post a few days ago, right before TK ate it.

Please get a paternity test and get a lawyer ASAP. It's also a good idea to call Child Protective Services in your state and explain the situation. You want to make sure you what is best for the child as well as protecting yourselves from a malicious woman who would abandon her child on your doorstep (who knows, she might come back and claim the child was kidnapped?)

This child could be a blessing in disguise though. You and your fiance have the opportunity to give this child a good life. Even if you don't have a lot of money, you're certainly a better home for this boy than he had with his mom (who abandonned him!). Assuming your fiance IS the father, then maybe it's best to have the boy stay with you. A social-worker would be able to guide you to resources that are available to you.

Stackeye210 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-some-snooping-about-stepson?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e99ceb80-cfda-472f-9a69-a181f0c0e484Post:2de7c432-5b8d-4602-aeca-66575e92f443">Re:Did some snooping about "stepson"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Did some snooping about "stepson": Maybe blame isn't the right word. I mean op is trying to place responsibility elsewhere. In her other post she said she didn't think her FI should have any responsibility even if it was his kid.
Posted by TheSlowskys[/QUOTE]

OH ok. Yea, that's no good to take that stance IF it is his kid. I guess my mind goes immediately to this mom being a whack job looking for a break.

Stackeye210 · August 2012

Very good points from Avion. I mean school is starting soon (if it hasn't already). You guys need to have some legal documentation to sign for school things. What if he gets hurt? I mean you guys have absolutely no rights in this situation, just a house guest. I'd be fighting to get to the bottom of things. If he is your FI's child I'd do whatever it takes to make sure the mom never had a hand in his upbringing from this point forward.

As far as holes in walls and fixtures. Are you saying the kid is violent? I'm sure it's b/c he hasn't had a stable life but he needs some help and stability.

MartinAston · August 2012

Never read the original post. But am guessing from the discussion. Just FYI, if you take responsibility for a child, in a lot of states the courts will not care if you have a paternity test later that proves it's not his. The court will say since you claimed ownership you will be the provider. Something to think about.

Blue & White · August 2012

I second any of the above posts that said to call a lawyer.

I mean, can't your FI be possibly charged with kidnapping if this "mother" returns?

I doubt her case would stand up in court based on your story, but if the kid ISN'T your FIs, he needs a legal reason to be taking care of him, I'd think.

I'd probably call CPS too to get some guidance.

MartinAston · August 2012

If you are in Texas contact Fathers For Equal Rights. Any other state might have something similar. I deal with crazy ex court stuff with my fiance. It has tested our relationship to its limits. This is not something you want to take lightly, find legal advice IMMEDIATELY.

LeiselEB · August 2012

Call a lawyer, call child protective services, get a paternity test. Don't try to handle this all on your own, you need to get some authorities involved.

willywally5 · August 2012

Here's the original thread:

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_major-life-change-before-wedding

And here is the OP if the link is wonky:

Hi, so last month I discovered my fianc had a child with some girl when he was 15. He didn't have anything to do with this kid at all while he was growing up. The kids mom basically just dropped him now 14 off at our place and was like, "uhh yeah I'm done, he needs a dad, here's his stuff, peace out!" and left him with us. She won't return any calls or anything.

So now I'm 22 and stuck living with this kid who I didn't even know about, and I never wanted to be a stepmom. Our first child was supposed to be the first for both of us, not just me. I've tried talking to my fianc about other arrangements for the kid, but he just says it's his responsibility, and I really don't see it that way! They don't even know each other! It's changing everything, even down to our wedding, and I'm just not that into it! Help?

willywally5 · August 2012

And, OP, PLEASE get a paternity test and some legal help pronto. You all need to find out what is really going on here and quickly. This child's future is a BIG DEAL, and so is yours.

Snippylynn · August 2012

I agree. You definitely need to reconsider your priorities.

Zomgitsmallory · August 2012

This is his first priority, but I don't see why asking if I still need to invite the malicious woman who is helping this child's "mother" pin responsibility on others. She is the one giving out other peoples information knowing full well that the mother has no clue who the father is. It's not just my FI's information, but the other men she accused as well. I'm allowed to be concerned about my wedding as well as this situation, given that it's a little over a month away and pretty much everything is paid for. The paternity test is done, but we don't have the results yet. They said it would take 6 weeks.

willywally5 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-some-snooping-about-stepson?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e99ceb80-cfda-472f-9a69-a181f0c0e484Post:10628ef3-b45a-4777-a4cf-208157b07df3">Re:Did some snooping about "stepson"</a>:
[QUOTE]This is his first priority, but I don't see why asking if I still need to invite the malicious woman who is helping this child's "mother" pin responsibility on others. She is the one giving out other peoples information knowing full well that the mother has no clue who the father is. It's not just my FI's information, but the other men she accused as well. I'm allowed to be concerned about my wedding as well as this situation, given that it's a little over a month away and pretty much everything is paid for. <strong>The paternity test is done, but we don't have the results yet. They said it would take 6 weeks.</strong>
Posted by Zomgitsmallory[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Holy hell. Can they get it done ANY faster? Is there another place that can do it faster? It seems like that is a ridiculously long time. I just looked it up and granted this is just online info, but 7-10 working days should be sufficient. </div><div>
</div><div>If not, I'd seriously consider postponing the wedding. No way in hell would I marry without knowing. </div>

TheSlowskys · August 2012

In Response to Re:Did some snooping about "stepson":[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Did some snooping about "stepson":This is his first priority, but I don't see why asking if I still need to invite the malicious woman who is helping this child's "mother" pin responsibility on others. She is the one giving out other peoples information knowing full well that the mother has no clue who the father is. It's not just my FI's information, but the other men she accused as well. I'm allowed to be concerned about my wedding as well as this situation, given that it's a little over a month away and pretty much everything is paid for. The paternity test is done, but we don't have the results yet. They said it would take 6 weeks.Posted by ZomgitsmalloryHoly hell. Can they get it done ANY faster? Is there another place that can do it faster? It seems like that is a ridiculously long time. I just looked it up and granted this is just online info, but 710 working days should be sufficient.nbsp;If not, I'd seriously consider postponing the wedding. No way in hell would I marry without knowing.nbsp; Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

Op have you seen a lawyer? Really, I am sorry you are in this situation. I would also worry about marrying fi w/o the results. If he is the father your assets could potentially be at risk if the mother seeks back child support, although it will depend on state law also be aware (if the mother ever resided in another state or the mother does now there could potentially be more than one states laws you have to worry about). I am an attorney (don't practice in family law but clerked with a firm). I have seen a lot of instances where a parent deliberately fought for another state to have jurisdiction to hear their case because those laws were more favorable.... I've also seen fathers pay thousands in back support even when the mother purposely didn't tell him because the court said it was the best interests of the child....I've seen families battle over including the income of second spouses in child support awards. You name it.

Please please please go talk to an attorney. You and your FI would be wise to each seek separate counsel. Good luck.

Edited: Punctuation. Seriously TK Mobile... stop removing parenthesis and paragraphs

MartinAston · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-some-snooping-about-stepson?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e99ceb80-cfda-472f-9a69-a181f0c0e484Post:e6281d6a-f373-4408-bdf1-1a6062b4639b">Re:Did some snooping about</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Did some snooping about "stepson": Op have you seen a lawyer? Really, I am sorry you are in this situation. I would also worry about marrying fi w/o the results. If he is the father your assets could potentially be at risk if the mother seeks back child support, although it will depend on state law also be aware (if the mother ever resided in another state or the mother does now there could potentially be more than one states laws you have to worry about). I am an attorney (don't practice in family law but clerked with a firm). I have seen a lot of instances where a parent deliberately fought for another state to have jurisdiction to hear their case because those laws were more favorable.... I've also seen fathers pay thousands in back support even when the mother purposely didn't tell him because the court said it was the best interests of the child....I've seen families battle over including the income of second spouses in child support awards. You name it. Please please please go talk to an attorney. You and your FI would be wise to each seek separate counsel. Good luck. Edited: Punctuation. Seriously TK Mobile... stop removing parenthesis and paragraphs
Posted by TheSlowskys[/QUOTE]

What above has said. I think you need to be more concerned about your relationship than your wedding. If like you said you are in disagreement about who is responsible for this child then you may want to consider your options. As someone who is dealing with this myself I can tell you it is no picnic. Family court can destroy you financially, emotionally and take a toll on your relationship. IWorrying about who to invite is small potatoes to what the future might hold if he is the father. Consider the resentment you'll have, the financial difficulty. Even if he's not the father, court might still make him pay support since he is right now taking responsibilty for him. I think you just have to ask yourself if the love you have for you fiance is unconditional and you are truly willing to accept him for better or WORSE. If you are not willing to stand by your man's side, you need to re-think it. And matter-of-factly, as the above stated, you need to worry about YOUR assets. I've had to do depositions because the ex wanted my income as part of the support. And if she is crazy enough to do as you described there is probably no limits to what she might do to your future. Bitches be crazy!

boomboom1243 · August 2012

maury!

mamabear329 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-some-snooping-about-stepson?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e99ceb80-cfda-472f-9a69-a181f0c0e484Post:1f0f05f4-b2cc-45fd-a4d9-f924b7d61d9d">Re: Did some snooping about</a>:
[QUOTE]I responded to your post a few days ago, right before TK ate it. Please get a paternity test and get a lawyer ASAP.<strong> It's also a good idea to call Child Protective Services in your state and explain the situation.</strong> You want to make sure you what is best for the child as well as protecting yourselves from a malicious woman who would abandon her child on your doorstep (who knows, she might come back and claim the child was kidnapped?) This child could be a blessing in disguise though. You and your fiance have the opportunity to give this child a good life. Even if you don't have a lot of money, you're certainly a better home for this boy than he had with his mom (who abandonned him!). Assuming your fiance IS the father, then maybe it's best to have the boy stay with you. A social-worker would be able to guide you to resources that are available to you.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

Ditto this...I'm a CWS worker in CA, and we would definitely open up an investigation in this case.Just a heads up though, it may not be deemed abandonment, as, depending on exactly how it happened, she may be seen as making provisions for his care by leaving him with who she "believes to be the father". Either way, CWS/CPS can assist you with locating the woman, providing a paternity test, charging her if appropriate, and locating any relatives willing to care for the boy if it turns out your FI is not the father and you are not able to continue caring for him. If a case was opened, you would also be provided with a public defender, if you can't afford a lawyer, and a custody order would be put in place...protecting you and FI from any illigitimate claims for child support etc.

ETA: just saw the part about the holes etc., the child's behavioral issues may lend evidence to an allegation of emotional abuse/general neglect by the mother based on her actions. CWS/CPS can assist with referrals for counseling (individual & family, as it seems like you guys might need it if he stays with your family) etc.

Also, on that paternity test....Our CWS has much quicker labs, perhaps your local office may be able to get it done much faster than 6 weeks!

RamonaFlowers · August 2012

First off, wedding plans need to come to a dead stop until this entire situation is squared away.

Until you get the paternity test results, get CPS involved and see what they have to say about living arrangements. If they determine that the kid should stay with you (Instead of being sent to a relative or something) until the results come in, you need to suck it up and deal with it and do right by the kid during that time. The last thing this kid needs after his own mother dumped him off is to be stuck in a house with another woman who clearly doesn't want him there (And even if you haven't said anything to him directly implying that you're put off by his presence, I can assure you, he can sense that you're not thrilled with him being there).

And, if it turns out that your FI is the father (Which, if he actually slept with this girl, it really is a possibility, no matter how slight), then you were very wrong in your prior post: this most certainly is your FI's responsibility, and other arrangements do not need to be made for the child. However, other arrangements should probably be made for you. There's nothing wrong with not wanting be a step-mom, but there is everything wrong with insisting on marrying a man with a child anyway if that's how you feel.

pearlaqua · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-some-snooping-about-stepson?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e99ceb80-cfda-472f-9a69-a181f0c0e484Post:d3441329-d013-4b8d-a67e-f387691ffc01">Did some snooping about "stepson"</a>:
[QUOTE]First I just want to clear the air about my last post: despite what I said about him on here, which was out of stress, we treat him like a member of the family that we always knew about. Believe me, this is no easy task, as he is a bit of a challenge. We've pretty much been patching holes in walls and fixing furniture since he got here. His mother has never checked up on him, and we haven't been able to reach her. FI and I talked about how this happened. He was an athlete in high school, partied a lot, <strong>and definitely did well with the ladies.</strong> I already knew this. He says she was a total sports slut, and pretty much made her way through every team. He does remember her being pregnant, but they never spoke. Although he doesn't remember it happening, he says it is entirely possible they had some drunken sex at a party at some point. He believes he was always safe, but he was also blackout drunk a lot. I sent out some Facebook messages to some of his old teammates. She has apparently tried unsuccessfully to pin this child on at least 3 other guys. Frankly, this child looks nothing like FI, and not really the mother for that matter. She is apparently friends with a girl that is casually dating a friend of FI's, which is how she found out where he lives, as well as the others she has accused side note: do I have to invite this girl to our wedding still? Because I kind of want to punch her in the face.. Link: <a href="http://m.theknot.com/forums/weddingboards_etiquette_majorlifechangebeforewedding?plckFindPostKeyCat:Wedding20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e165d8539a64a499b6324e0ca7fc67cPost:0799a96b1b4c40b7ad7356281402603c">http://m.theknot.com/forums/weddingboards_etiquette_majorlifechangebeforewedding?plckFindPostKeyCat:Wedding20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e165d8539a64a499b6324e0ca7fc67cPost:0799a96b1b4c40b7ad7356281402603c</a>
Posted by Zomgitsmallory[/QUOTE]

This situation isn't what I'd call "doing well".

Consequences!

I'm only being sanctimonious and illustratively judgy to highlight how just a few words after her own FI was praised for "doing well", the mother of this child was called a "sports slut".

Did some snooping about "stepson"

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