Not Engaged Yet

I'm baaaaaack for real this time, but with a vent..

And I'm back in the groove of school I will FOR SURE be back and posting. I've been lurking and posting occasionally, but I wanna be back for good!

I'm also here to vent so I'm really sorry that this is long. 

I was having a lot of roommate problems, but I think they are done. Not because they got sorted out but because the friendship is seemingly unfortunately over. It's really sad but ineviteable. K (roommate) and I have been on a rocky road for a few months now, but have been trying to work things out because we are living together (with two other girls also). We were all excited because it was said that "it would be like a slumber party everynight", we would get to see each other more even with our busy schedules, and we had been looking forward to this for soooooo long (we've been friends for 7 years). When we finally do move in, she shacks up at her BF's house and comes home to only do laundry and shower but would send out text messages asking why were there dishes in the sink, no room in the fridge for her stuff, clothes in the dryer when no one was home and just general BLAH and on the off chance she was home in the evening when we were all home, K would sit in her room with the door closed. Every. Single. Time. As in, the three of us would be sitting in the living room eating dinner and watching a movie and she would walk through the front door and immediately go to her room without saying hello.

The three of us (other roommates) would ask K when she would be home, if she would be home, if she wanted to hang out, why was she always in her room, etc. and she got tired of it. 

Keep in mind the questions above were the only things we've talked to her about since we moved in, and outside of those questions and her text messages there is no contact.

So yesterday I get this text message from her BF: 
"You and K's other godawful roommates are f****** c****. Do yall realize she cries on almost a nightly basis because of the petty and cruel s*** yall pull every f****** day? Do yall feel f****** good about yourselves making someone feel so small and unliked. Especially you. (and then he goes on about some stuff unrelated to K, but involving me and him and a group of friends we once shared) I dont give a f*** that you thought you were too good for us and no one misses you. But K, someone who always counted on your. U tossed her out like yesterdays trash. She cant go stay at her own apartment for fear of being singled out and ridiculed by the three of yall. So now she is looking for a new place to live because she can' stand it there. Well f****** done. I hope you feel good about that."

I was like WOAH. And BF was with me when I got it and he was pissed and ended up talking to him. My BF pretty much said that he needs to stay out of whats going on between us because he's hearing half of it. BF told him that it's not helping her how to learn to deal with problems and relationships and whatever. And straight up told him if he calls me a c*** or any bad name again he's getting his ass beat. 

I guess I'm just at a loss because I don't know where she got being ridudculed and how we were cruel, unless asking if shes staying here or at her BF's is cruel and wanting her to hang out with us is ridicule. I mean, I don't know how our relationship can get "fixed" when everything is so broken, and not to mention I'm not and won't be on good terms with her BF. I mean, thats a pretty big sign that it's over, but now I'm not sure where it all goes or if I should talk to her (which I haven't done since I got the text yesterday). Blah. Sorry about how long it was. Any insight is appreciated and advice is more than welcome. Also a slap in the face if I've done something wrong.

Re: I'm baaaaaack for real this time, but with a vent..

  • edited December 2011
    Ah I'm sorry :( That's a crappy situation. But if the relationship feels that toxic to her, and not good to you either, maybe it is for the best in the long run. Especially if she has a bf like that- I wouldn't want any friend who passively aggressively lets their boyfriend talk to me like that!
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  • csousa1csousa1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    WOW she and her BF sound perfect(ly rotten) for each other.

    I'm sorry you are going through this :( I would say keep your distance. She's clearly blowing things massively out of proportion, not to mention siccing her BF on you in such a mature way. If it were me, I probably would not be able to let it slide without telling her to never have her BF text me such a rude comment EVER again and to talk to me like an adult when she has issues, but after that I would steer clear of her.
  • alanna91alanna91 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ugh. You need to sit down with her and talk one-on-one about what's going on. I wouldn't recommend you and your other roomates talking with her together because that would probably make her feel like she's being out numbered.
    Once you talk to her and find out why she's feeling that way, maybe you and all your other room mates can sit down and talk with her. Maybe have one night a week where you're all together and watch movies and cook dinner together or something.

    If you sit down and talk with her and she's being ridiculous and claiming she's being ganged up on, and won't give you actual reasons why, and won't let you help, then leave it be.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_now-roommate-problems-done?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ed867716-fdf7-430d-bf0e-2db265d0c013Post:5d539bdd-2013-41cd-8f5a-d1b4fad32db2">Re: I'm baaaaaack for real this time, but with a vent..</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ah I'm sorry :( That's a crappy situation. But if the relationship feels that toxic to her, and not good to you either, maybe it is for the best in the long run. Especially if she has a bf like that- I wouldn't want any friend who passively aggressively lets their boyfriend talk to me like that!
    Posted by orangehills[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah. :(</div><div>I replied nicely and the conversation kept going (with lots more cuss words on his end) and he was like, "Well I was just hoping you would see the f****** light and would do whats right." I was like, "What about this conversation would want me to prusue "fixing" this relationship?" It's like BLAH. It feels like high school all over again!</div>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_now-roommate-problems-done?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ed867716-fdf7-430d-bf0e-2db265d0c013Post:dc154ebc-b457-460d-8824-73de4b1b48ed">Re: I'm baaaaaack for real this time, but with a vent..</a>:
    [QUOTE]WOW she and her BF sound perfect(ly rotten) for each other. I'm sorry you are going through this :( I would say keep your distance. She's clearly blowing things massively out of proportion, not to mention siccing her BF on you in such a mature way. If it were me, I probably would not be able to let it slide without telling her to never have her BF text me such a rude comment EVER again and to talk to me like an adult when she has issues, but after that I would steer clear of her.
    Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]

    <div>It's crazy. I did reply and was really nice and addressed what he said to me, and challenging too because I felt like what he said was wrong. It pretty much ended with a "Thanks for trying, though" and he never repsonded. It just blew my mind. Especially the first line of the message. </div>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_now-roommate-problems-done?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ed867716-fdf7-430d-bf0e-2db265d0c013Post:1b423464-7fdc-4deb-9915-c18a22860cf4">Re: I'm baaaaaack for real this time, but with a vent..</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ugh. You need to sit down with her and talk one-on-one about what's going on. I wouldn't recommend you and your other roomates talking with her together because that would probably make her feel like she's being out numbered. Once you talk to her and find out why she's feeling that way, maybe you and all your other room mates can sit down and talk with her. Maybe have one night a week where you're all together and watch movies and cook dinner together or something. If you sit down and talk with her and she's being ridiculous and claiming she's being ganged up on, and won't give you actual reasons why, and won't let you help, then leave it be.
    Posted by alanna91[/QUOTE]

    <div>I really wish it could be like that. My roommate L pulled her aside yesterday asking when the two of them could sit down and talk and K just put her nose up and brushed the question off like L didn't even ask it. I thought we were in college and living on our own, not roaming the halls of our HS...</div><div>
    </div><div>I definitely will try and get her to sit down with me though. I think we all know the anxiety confrontations bring, though. It makes my heart flutter at the idea of it. </div>
  • caitlin.cavecaitlin.cave member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I had a really bad roommate experience freshman year too.  I won't go into details, but basically she was super controlling to the point of trying to guilt and coerce me into not dating FI, and she was constantly insulting me and my decisions.

    She stopped talking to me too, and it was better that way.  I'm so so sorry you have to deal with this!  If you can't get her to talk to you in person, write her a letter that spells out everything.  If she's still unresponsive, I think you just need to let it go.
  • lennonkdclennonkdc member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Its an unfortunate truth to growing up that some people don't mature at the same pace. I don't think that talking to your friend will help at this point, who knows whats really going on in her head, maybe she sees how close you and the other 2 roomies are, and feels left out.  I would write her a note, or something, but I wouldn't expect it to help. I don't get the sense that she's using the rational part of her brain right now. I think the best course is to chalk this up to a learning experience. 




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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry dearest.  That's a crappy situation.  I think sitting down and talking to her one on one is probably the only way to deal with it, and if she won't, a letter is the second best thing you can do.  It's hard to let a friendship go, but if her bf is treating you like that, I wouldn't want to be around either of them.  *hugs*
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  • pockysquirrelpockysquirrel member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ugh. I hate petty crap like that. And the fact that she lacked the cojones to tell you herself that she was feeling this way? I say if she wants to move out, let her. Good riddance. Yeah it sucks to forfiet the friendship, but being roommates can definitely bring out the cray-cray in people to the point that things become unsalvageable. Sorry you're having to deal with such nonsense. :(
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone! She just came home a little while ago and I went to try and sit down with her.
    I asked her if she knew her BF texted me and she said no, and I asked if she would read the conversation so she could see what we both said and she blew me off saying she was about to leave. And I just told her straight up that he said some inappropriate things and told her what he called me and our other roomies and that I wanted to sit down and get clarification on the things he said. And she just got up and walked past me and was like, "Well I'll see him later so I'll talk to him." I told her I didn't want her to talk to me and that I wanted her to talk to me. And was just like, I have to go. UGH. 

    I feel like this will end up becoming an experience situation. 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_now-roommate-problems-done?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ed867716-fdf7-430d-bf0e-2db265d0c013Post:1416e20b-0c3e-4e80-b4c3-1d338f3fbe83">Re: I'm baaaaaack for real this time, but with a vent..</a>:
    [QUOTE] It sounds like you and the other roommates have very clear expectations of what you want out of K as a roommate, and that's not something that she wants. I'm not saying she's handling it in the right way, but I think that it would be worth talking to HER about it and seeing if you can get your expectations in line. To me, it sounds like she might be withdrawing because she feels there are too many expectations on her from you guys. I understand having an ideal vision of what you see life with roommates as being, but I think you guys aren't on the same page. 
    Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

    <div>This whole thing makes so much sense. And I could definitely sympethize and imagine that this is how this could be exactly how shes feeling. I just hope that me trying to talk to her and letting her know I want her to come to me when SHE'S ready is enough to at least smooth things out. </div>
  • edited December 2011
    I wouldn't talk to her other than to tell her to come and get her things. Her letting her BF talk to you girls that way? nope.com. don't take that. You're better than that. She obviously has some issues she needs to work on.

    Frown I'm sorry it had to happen that way...it sucks that some people can't grow up and will continue to try to live in their 'high school ways'... *hugs*
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for the words of encouragment ladies! It's been two days and she hasn't said anything to me. 
    We were actually home for 45 minutes together alone today and she locked herself in her room and then bolted out. 
    So I guess we'll have to see how this progresses futher, if at all.

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