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Okay...I'm in need of outsider opinions here please...

littlemoments324littlemoments324 member
2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
in July 2012 Weddings
I've talked to my mom and FI about this already and I'm just torn...

I really want my stepdad to walk me down the aisle with my dad.  My stepdad has been a big part of my life.  He is the father figure that was around.  Mine was around (but..not going there....).  The problem is my stepsister...I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt her feelings or cause friction between her dad & my mom (mostly dad). She is prego, and I don't want to her to not let the grandparents see the baby.  The relationship between all of them has gotten a lot better over the past few years and I don't want to cause a hinderance in that...she was pretty resistant to our family when our parents got together...She has always been respectful to us and the rest of our family....My stepdad made it to almost every sporting event that my stepsiblings had...He was and is apart of their lives...he loves his kids like no other.

My mom suggests I send her a message on FB explaining why I want him to walk me down the aisle.  If I were in my stepsister's shoes, I could understand why I would be upset, but I would also feel honored that my dad is a huge importance to someone else. 

I just don't want to step on any toes...but it is important to me to have him walk me down the aisle, not important enough if it is going to cause a hinderance and more friction with them...(No specific even other than her parents divorcing and remarrying to cause this friction to my knowledge...)

Thank you!!
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Re: Okay...I'm in need of outsider opinions here please...

  • BrightFireflyBrightFirefly member
    1000 Comments
    I don't think I missed this on the post - but how old were you when your mom and step-dad got together? Did you grow up with your step-sister as kids?

    I don't really understand why your step-sister would be upset - I'd be honored if someone thought so highly of my daddy. But I think sending her a message isn't a bad idea.
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  • Fabi&NitaFabi&Nita member
    100 Comments
    Im with PP i dont get why she would be upset. If you really feel like you want him to walk you, talk to your stepsis and im sure she will understand and be happy for you.
    Good luck!
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  • ElinetrouwtElinetrouwt member
    500 Comments
    Did she already say she was upset, or is it just a hunch? I don't see why she would be either, but some people are sensitive like that.

    I think you should explain it to her, but not on facebook. Will you be seeing her for the holidays? I think it's best to discuss something like that in person, or if that's not possible over the phone. FB messages lead to misunderstandings way too often. 
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  • MadisonpennyMadisonpenny member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary
    I agree, I would just ask her, but not on facebook, do it in person.  Any chance you'll see her over the holidays?
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  • michelle11988michelle11988 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    I think I would be honored that my dad meant that much to someone else but I can also understand the jealousy that she may have.  I would definitely say an in-person or at least over the phone convo will be best.  I remember you saying you were from Michigan but live in Florida.  Will you both be home any time in the springtime to work it out? Also maybe wait until after the holidays, holidays make people go crazy in my opinion.

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  • BeabullMomBeabullMom
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    I agree with PP.  Try to ask her in person, or if you can't atl east call her on the phone.  I would hope she would be able to understand and be able to "share" with you :) 
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  • AllyG303AllyG303 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    Ask in person, definitely.  Is she going to the wedding? 
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  • 7E&G77E&G7
    100 Comments
    It's difficult when you have step parent's sometimes, I also have a step father who married my mom when I was 3 and he has a son the same age as me but he lived with his mother and the tension sometimes is thick enough to cut. I would most certainly speak with her in person or over the phone but I would not ask her if it was ok. I would just ask her feelings on the situation and explain why it's important to you.
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  • LADY324LADY324
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    How long has your stepdad been around?  I am assuming that he lived with you and your mom for a decent part of your life?  If you want him to walk you down the aisle then I think you should just ask him.  You don't need to have her approval on this.  You are not doing anything to her personally.  He is a big part of your life and if you want him to walk you down the aisle I would not let his jealous daughter not let you. 

    Do you and your step sister ever talk on the phone?  Do you 2 have any relationship with one another?  If so I would call her up see how her baby is doing and then maybe just bring it up in conversation.  Otherwise if you are not that close then why not just let her find out through your step dad? 
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  • k8888k8888
    1000 Comments
    Did your stepsister have a wedding and did her father walk her down the aisle?  If yes, then I don't think you should feel like you need to avoid stepping on toes here. 

    If not, then I would extend the courtesy of a phone call or a face-to-face chat just to tell her what you'd like to do... I wouldn't approach it as you need her permission.  She's a grown adult and so are you and she should be mature enough to accept that her father is an important part of your life, as well.
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  • MadisonpennyMadisonpenny member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary
    I can also understand that she may be jealous thinking that he is HER father and not yours.. even though he helped raise you as well. But like I mentioned before, definitely ask her in person.
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  • bells24412bells24412
    1000 Comments
    I don't think you should ask her on FB. IMO, i think FB is impersonable and somethign like this you should call her or maybe you will be seeing her on the holidays. I can understand the situtation, I would be jealous if my dad was walking someone else down the aisle, but i would be honored that someone thought so highly of my dad. Just talk to her.  IMO, i am with Lady, I would just have me walk me down the asile but i would reach out to her.
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  • 7E&G77E&G7
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_okayim-need-of-outsider-opinions-here-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:5ac4ad86-dbc5-4ee0-a293-289dc7ba7575Post:d7927f5f-f99a-46f0-a76b-a7ff2ca5f26d">Re: Okay...I'm in need of outsider opinions here please...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Did your stepsister have a wedding and did her father walk her down the aisle?  If yes, then I don't think you should feel like you need to avoid stepping on toes here.  If not, then I would extend the courtesy of a phone call or a face-to-face chat just to tell her what you'd like to do... I wouldn't approach it as you need her permission.  She's a grown adult and so are you and she should be mature enough to accept that her father is an important part of your life, as well.
    Posted by k8888[/QUOTE]

    I agree
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  • littlemoments324littlemoments324 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Our parents married when I was 14, she 13.  Our parents have been married for 10 years (this year).  I don't have a close relationship with her and I don't really talk to her on the phone. I only saw her at Christmas her younger brother's sporting events, and maybe a few other times during the year.  Her dad walked her down the aisle last August.

    I will not be seeing her until the end of April (possibly).  She is due with her first baby in the beginning or mid April.  So, it all depends when she has the baby and if she will be able to come or not.  I really hope she does because I want to meet the little one!!

    My mom really thinks that I should talk to my stepsister first before asking my stepdad...but I am afraid that if she says no or isn't okay with it and I end up going behind her and asking anyways that it will hinder the relationship that has grown much better than in the past...
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  • hmacsinehmacsine
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I wouldn't ask her. Your stepdad is an adult and can make his own decisions. I would ask your step-dad first. He can tell your step-sister.
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  • ElinetrouwtElinetrouwt member
    500 Comments
    I agree, don't ask her. Ask him first, and afterwards, tell her, explain to her by all means, but you don't need her permission.
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  • LADY324LADY324
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_okayim-need-of-outsider-opinions-here-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:5ac4ad86-dbc5-4ee0-a293-289dc7ba7575Post:ae0b5364-9dad-452f-bad0-241bbdb8cda6">Re: Okay...I'm in need of outsider opinions here please...</a>:
    [QUOTE]How long has your stepdad been around?  I am assuming that he lived with you and your mom for a decent part of your life?  <strong>If you want him to walk you down the aisle then I think you should just ask him.  You don't need to have her approval on this.  You are not doing anything to her personally.  He is a big part of your life and if you want him to walk you down the aisle I would not let his jealous daughter not let you.</strong>  Do you and your step sister ever talk on the phone?  Do you 2 have any relationship with one another?  If so I would call her up see how her baby is doing and then maybe just bring it up in conversation.  Otherwise if you are not that close then why not just let her find out through your step dad? 
    Posted by LADY324[/QUOTE]

    I stand by this!
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  • Rebis58Rebis58 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    I definitely wouldn't ask her before asking your step dad, because if she says no that makes it very uncomfortable if (when?) you ask him anyways. I also wouldn't let fear of her being uncomfortable stop you from acknowledging the important relationship you have with your step dad.
    All that being said, I think it is very considerate of you and your mom to be concerned about her feelings. If it was me, I think I would talk to your step dad after you ask him, and see whether he thinks there will be a problem. I would also ask him whether he would prefer to talk to her or if he thinks it would be better coming from you. When (if) you do talk to her, I would avoid making a big deal of it, and just mention next time you see her that your dad and her dad will be sharing the role of walking you down the aisle. IF she reacts negatively, at that point I would go deeper into the discussion, but otherwise would try to keep it light.
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  • littlemoments324littlemoments324 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Thanks everyone!!!  It made me feel a little better!  Let ya know how it goes!
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