Snarky Brides

I don't know what to do!

Backstory:  I posted a few months back about how I felt like an asshole for being irritated with my cousin--she got engaged 6 months after me, then scheduled her wedding about 2 weeks before mine.  Not that she was "stealing my thunder", but we have an aunt and uncle in Florida that we rarely see, and they most likely will not fly up here twice in one month.  My grandmother passed away in April, and my FI and I got very to close to my aunt and uncle when they came up for the funeral and to help my mom with my grandma's estate, etc.  They are such great people, and we told them we planned on getting married june 2012 (we weren't engaged yet), and they told us they look forward to coming, but we didn't send out save the dates, and oviosuly our invites will probably arrive after hers, etc.

Yeah, least of my worries now.  My cousin came over last night for a party my parents were having, and while talking wedding stuff, I asked if she had gotten her dress yet.  It got SILENT.  Apparently, she got the exact same dress as me, everyone had already found out earlier but didn't tell me.  I tried to smile and act like it wasn't a big deal, but I was dying inside.  I showed her my dress when she came over in december to show me her ring!  I even told her the designer.  She said that she didn't remember, which I can understand.  I'm sure the last thing on her mind when she was dress shopping was "wait a minute, this looks like my cousins dress".  I know I wouldn't be thinking about anything but how I look and feel in the dress. 

She said she was going to take care of it, apparently she just ordered the dress and said she will call the bridal shop monday and see if they can cancel it.  If not, she said she knows a great seamstress who can alter the shape of the dress.  Well, maybe I'm a bitch, but if it's the same dress, even a different shape, I'm going to have to get a new dress.  We look alike, same height/weight/body shape, both of us have long brown curly hair.  It's going to be obvious, especially 2 weeks apart, with the majority of the same people at both weddings.  I know I would notice it.  I saved $ for over a year to get the dress of my dreams, and now it's likely gone to shitt.  My mom feels awful, and said she would help pay for a new dress, but my parents are paying for the whole wedding, and have offered to help FI and I with 1/2 of our down payment on a house.  They're doing more than I ever dreamed of already.  I've been looking all over oncewed, preowned wedding dresses, craigslist, here, etc, just in case I need to get a new dress, but I want my dress.

I really hope this doesn't sound whiny or bitchy...I am just feeling deflated and crushed.  I'm sure it wasn't on purpose, but I just never even imagined this would happen to me, so I have no idea how to deal.    Has this happened to anyone else here? what ended up happening?
«1

Re: I don't know what to do!

  • Can you show us the dress?
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • From this point forward I would definitely NOT tell her anything remotely related to the wedding. She is cut off. I wouldnt have her over, nothing.
  • It's OK that you have mixed feelings she is your cousin.

    1st call your family from Florida and invite them!!!! Just tell them how important and special it would be to have them here! Focus on the good things not on the bad ones!

    Use your Dream Wedding Dress!! Is your day and you will only have this one!!!

    A little story TRUE
    One of my cousins was getting married the same year as my brother just like this situation my brother told the whole family 2yrs before and she decided that she was getting married 2 weeks before! As you we have family out of state that we were expecting to come, but couldn't make it to both. My mom throw a feat!!! Yes, She made a BIG, HUGE deal out of it! and as a grown up she calmed down and at the end MY COUSIN DIDN'T EVEN GOT MARRIED!! so you know what it is YOUR SHOW!!! enjoy it maybe she is in her wrong timing anything can happen in this 4 months!! Don't sweat it!!!!

    ENJOY THE RIDE!!!!


    Come dress yourself in love, let the journey begin.
    Francesca da Rimini


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_i-dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:29e09393-64e5-484f-a470-d4eca387aaddPost:683425ce-bed3-4de2-b2d2-f0aa730aa93d">Re: I don't know what to do!</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's OK that you have mixed feelings she is your cousin. 1st call your family from Florida and invite them!!!! Just tell them how important and special it would be to have them here! Focus on the good things not on the bad ones! Use your Dream Wedding Dress!! Is your day and you will only have this one!!! A little story TRUE One of my cousins was getting married the same year as my brother just like this situation my brother told the whole family 2yrs before and she decided that she was getting married 2 weeks before! As you we have family out of state that we were expecting to come, but couldn't make it to both. My mom throw a feat!!! Yes, She made a BIG, HUGE deal out of it! and as a grown up she calmed down and at the end MY COUSIN DIDN'T EVEN GOT MARRIED!! so you know what it is YOUR SHOW!!! enjoy it maybe she is in her wrong timing anything can happen in this 4 months!! Don't sweat it!!!! ENJOY THE RIDE!!!! Come dress yourself in love, let the journey begin. Francesca da Rimini
    Posted by chesslover[/QUOTE]

    ::sigh::
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • To be honest (and perhaps I am in the minority) I don't really remember what the bride's dress looks like after I attend a wedding. I remember the venue and whether I had fun or not but if I went to a wedding 2 weeks later and they have the same gown I doubt I would notice.

    Remember not everyone who is at her wedding will be at your wedding. You have different FI's, different friends. If half of your guest list is his family then we are down to 50%. But then you only share half of your family with your cousin so that takes you to maybe 25% of the same guests. I bet half of those 25% are male, who will not have any idea what the dress looks like. So that takes us down to 12.5%. Of which will be girls like me who don't pay attention to that. Taking you down to 6.25%. Do you really want to give up your dream dress just because 6.25% of people might notice that they saw the same dress 2 weeks before?

    Don't be silly. You love the dress, so wear the dress. You'll probably be 1 of a handful of people that have any clue.
    June 16, 2012
    image
  • This is the dress, mori lee 1612



    Nebb and Blue, I will definitely be taking your advice.  I showed her the dress because I was excited, but partly because I was kind of irritated about the whole 2 week difference thing, and partly because I wanted to make sure this didn't happen!  LOL if only
  • I love that dress on you.  You look beautiful. 

    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • jujub423jujub423 member
    100 Comments
    edited February 2012

    Thanks Blue!

  • Your cousin is being a bitch. I'd be pissed as hell.

    That dress is pretty though, and you should wear it. 
    image
  • You really do look beautiful in that, please dont change it.
  • I agree with PPs.  The dress is gorgeous on you and you should totally wear it!  It stinks that your cousin did that, tbh I don't buy the story that it was on accident.  Normally I would tell a bride she's overreacting if she came with a story about someone else getting the same dress, but this just feels different to me.  The vibe I get can be summed up in one word: competition.  (Her side, not yours.)  So I say rock your dream dress and don't worry about her drama.  I also agree with whoever said to call up your Aunt and Uncle to make sure they know your wedding date and plan to attend.
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  • I agree with everyone else. Let her figure out how to alter her dress. But DON'T change yours. You look gorgeous in that dress. Don't show her anything else related to your wedding. That's just asking for more drama.
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  • What an absolutely beautiful dress! keep it. You look amazing in it. 
    image
  • That dress is gorgeous!
  • It's a gorgeous dress on you! And ya, I'd be livid.
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    Anniversary
  • ditto everyone else. That dress is gorgeous and you look gorgeous in it. Don't buy a new one.  You'll have different accessories, different BM dresses, different colors, etc.  I promise very few people will notice the same dress... and even if they did, I doubt anyone would care, you know? 

    But yeah. I'd stop talking to her about any wedding plans.
  • Is this real life?

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  • 1. You are GORGEOUS in that dress. Don't get a new one!

    2. Your cousin is a bitch. With the thousands of different dresses out there, I'm sure she went in looking for that same one if that's what she ended up choosing.

    3. Enjoy your day in your beautiful dress, and know that you probably look 100 times better in it than she does!
  • Agreed - that is a stunning dress and you need to wear it.  You can't control what she does but you can control how you deal with it.

    I"m guessing that the people who will know you guys are wearing the same dress will also know she stole the idea from you.  Don't give up your dream dress.  Wear it proudly down the aisle knowing you had it first.
  • I say don't change your dress. Charge your cousin a rental fee and let her use it and you can make back some money. 

    But definitely use your dress. 
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  • You are a much nicer person than I am. I would have flipped my shiit and called her a few not very nice names. And I call BS on her not remembering. My MOH got married a year and a half ago. When I went dress shopping with her recently I saw one that was only KIND of similar to hers, and made a joke about it (we have the same tastes in everything). There is NO WAY she didn't remember when it was only 2-3 months ago.

    You look gorgeous in it, don't change a thing. Plus you can make yourself stand apart for her with your hair, veil, accessories, shoes, etc. (Just don't tell her about any of it.)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_i-dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:29e09393-64e5-484f-a470-d4eca387aaddPost:5e1eae60-2e27-4423-baa2-3bdcdd98c034">Re: I don't know what to do!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I say don't change your dress. Charge your cousin a rental fee and let her use it and you can make back some money.  But definitely use your dress. 
    Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

    Ha!

    Keep that dress. Even if it is the same dress with a similar looking person wearing it you can make it 100% yours through accessories, hair etc.

    Definitely don;t let her in on any future plans and call the family in the Florida to give them the date (so they can plan ahead of course ;) ) asap.
  • Wow, I couldn't read all that,it's too early. But, I get the gist of it.

    Do not change that dress. It looks beautiful on you. Just dont tell her anything else about your wedding. And just know you will defiantly rock that dress better than her!
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  • I can already think of ways that SHE can change the dress and the overall look... as PP mentioned, accessorize with hair, veil, jewelry, change the color of the sash, she could add straps to it.  I wonder if its possible to lessen or undo a sweetheart neckline? It looks awesome on you, but I'm just trying to think of ways that the dress could be made to look different; I would be livid if anyone in my family did this to me and I would be demanding all sorts of changes. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_i-dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:29e09393-64e5-484f-a470-d4eca387aaddPost:21c4d119-10b1-4d72-b047-22da65f05966">I don't know what to do!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Backstory:  I posted a few months back about how I felt like an asshole for being irritated with my cousin--she got engaged 6 months after me, then scheduled her wedding about 2 weeks before mine.  Not that she was "stealing my thunder", but we have an aunt and uncle in Florida that we rarely see, and they most likely will not fly up here twice in one month.  My grandmother passed away in April, and my FI and I got very to close to my aunt and uncle when they came up for the funeral and to help my mom with my grandma's estate, etc.  They are such great people, and we told them we planned on getting married june 2012 (we weren't engaged yet), and they told us they look forward to coming, but we didn't send out save the dates, and oviosuly our invites will probably arrive after hers, etc. Yeah, least of my worries now.  My cousin came over last night for a party my parents were having, and while talking wedding stuff, I asked if she had gotten her dress yet.  It got SILENT.  Apparently, she got the exact same dress as me, everyone had already found out earlier but didn't tell me.  I tried to smile and act like it wasn't a big deal, but I was dying inside.  I showed her my dress when she came over in december to show me her ring!  I even told her the designer.  She said that she didn't remember, which I can understand.  I'm sure the last thing on her mind when she was dress shopping was "wait a minute, this looks like my cousins dress".  I know I wouldn't be thinking about anything but how I look and feel in the dress.  She said she was going to take care of it, apparently she just ordered the dress and said she will call the bridal shop monday and see if they can cancel it.  If not, she said she knows a great seamstress who can alter the shape of the dress.  Well, maybe I'm a bitch, but if it's the same dress, even a different shape, I'm going to have to get a new dress.  We look alike, same height/weight/body shape, both of us have l<strong>ong brown curly hair.</strong>  It's going to be obvious, especially 2 weeks apart, with the majority of the same people at both weddings.  I know I would notice it.  I saved $ for over a year to get the dress of my dreams, and now it's likely gone to shitt.  My mom feels awful, and said she would help pay for a new dress, but my parents are paying for the whole wedding, and have offered to help FI and I with 1/2 of our down payment on a house.  They're doing more than I ever dreamed of already.  I've been looking all over oncewed, preowned wedding dresses, craigslist, here, etc, just in case I need to get a new dress, but I want my dress. I really hope this doesn't sound whiny or bitchy...I am just feeling deflated and crushed.  I'm sure it wasn't on purpose, but I just never even imagined this would happen to me, so I have no idea how to deal.    Has this happened to anyone else here? what ended up happening?
    Posted by jujub423[/QUOTE]

    I thought you had brown hair?
  • Okay, having her wedding 2 weeks before yours I was willing to let slide.  Maybe that was the only date that worked for her and her FI.

    But to get the exact same dress as you (which is beautiful, by the way) after you specifically showed her your dress is ridiculous.  I too remember dresses; I doubt she forgot.    Also, you said that everyone already knew that she got the same dress.  When did she figure it out?  At this point, my guess is that she probably knew it, but figured she'd be wearing it first anyway so it would be okay (for her).

    Are you close enough to your cousin that you can tell her how much she has hurt your feelings by what she has done so far? Why hasn't anyone told her that 2 weeks before and the same dress probably isn't a good idea?

    I'm mad for you.  If she refuses to change her dress, good luck with accessorizing it to make it your own.
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  • jujub423jujub423 member
    100 Comments
    edited February 2012
    Thanks everyone!  I still don't know how to quote, so I'll answer some of the questions best I can:

    I had blonde hair in the picture, but about a month after that my highlights turned out awful and I had to dye it back to my natural color.  I liked it, so I decided why not keep it simple and save myself some $? lol

    My mom called my aunt and uncle as soon as I got engaged and told them when the date was, so I'm almost positive they will come to mine.  Since I haven't sent out invites yet and don't know for absolutely sure that they're coming, it still worries me.  I plan to call them myself this week.

    My cousin mentioned that her seamstress could probably make it into a mermaid shape, and she would use a different color sash.  I had posted awhile ago on accessories ( I think?) because I love bling and was considering a brooch on my sash, but everyone felt the dress didn't need it, and I agree.  My necklace and earrings are VERY sparkly.

    Lindsey--I came out to the party about an hour after everyone else got there.  Apparently in that time my little sister had asked her the same question, she showed my sister the picture of the dress, and my sister freaked out and ran inside with my cousin to see if indeed it was the same dress (we have it stored in the guest room).  I guess everyone was really worried about how I would react, so if I hadn't asked her about it, they were planning on telling me the next day.

    I have looked at a few dresses online, but I don't get a feeling like the feeling I have for my dress.  My mom thinks that even if my cousin alters her dress, it's still going to be obvious it's the same one, but I love my dress, I want it more than anything at this point.  I'll probably wear it no matter what---as some of you have mentioned, even though her wedding is before mine, everyone will already know that I chose the dress first. 
  • LOL yaga I know what you mean....My hair is almost past my bra, that's a lot of highlights!  There are so many things I would rather spend $100+ dollars on, but damn, it sure does look good!
  • Wow, your cousin sounds terrible!! I'm so sorry. But I agree, your dress looks amazing on you! Rock it, I'm sure you look better in it!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_i-dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:29e09393-64e5-484f-a470-d4eca387aaddPost:683425ce-bed3-4de2-b2d2-f0aa730aa93d">Re: I don't know what to do!</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's OK that you have mixed feelings she is your cousin. 1st call your family from Florida and invite them!!!! Just tell them how important and special it would be to have them here! Focus on the good things not on the bad ones! Use your Dream Wedding Dress!! Is your day and you will only have this one!!! A little story TRUE One of my cousins was getting married the same year as my brother just like this situation my brother told the whole family 2yrs before and she decided that she was getting married 2 weeks before! As you we have family out of state that we were expecting to come, but couldn't make it to both. My mom throw a feat!!! Yes, She made a BIG, HUGE deal out of it! and as a grown up she calmed down and at the end MY COUSIN DIDN'T EVEN GOT MARRIED!! so you know what it is YOUR SHOW!!! enjoy it maybe she is in her wrong timing anything can happen in this 4 months!! Don't sweat it!!!! ENJOY THE RIDE!!!! <strong>Come dress yourself in love, let the journey begin. </strong>Francesca da Rimini
    Posted by chesslover[/QUOTE]

    I can't stop laughing at this post... it reminds me of the Jenna Marbles "What Dogs Do When You're Not Home" video where Kermit sings "Imma dress you up in my love, all over your body" and Marbles is like, "I need a gun or a knife."

    I hope someone else knows what I'm talking about...

    Anyway, OP, that dress is lovely and your cousin's a bitch.
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