Wedding Etiquette Forum

DW- showers and guest list

Hi everyone,
I hope I'm asking this question on the right board. 
My fiance and I are planning a Destination Wedding in Maui (we live in TX).  We want to keep it small and intimate.  We both have extremely large extended families (whom most of which we only see at weddings and funerals).  We decided that we didn't want to spend our entire day greeting people we never talk to, so we would use this opportunity to visit Hawaii again, but with our immediate family and closest friends. 
That being said, I am the oldest child, and oldest grandchild on my mother's side of the family.  They want to make a huge deal out of this wedding.  My mom is planning to throw me a bridal shower and my grandmother's house so she can show me off to these relatives we see once a year (if that).  Is it appropriate to invite guests to a bridal shower and not the actual wedding?

Another question I have along the same lines:  My mom has been telling everyone that we are going to Hawaii to be married, and quite a few people have responded with "I love Hawaii, I will be there" 
I find this horrifying!  I would never invite myself to someone's wedding!!!  I told my mom that it is far to expensive to have all of these people come to the wedding.  Her response was, "if they pay for their hotel and arifare themselves what's the problem?"  The problem is that I need to shuttle people to the beach and back, we are planning dinner after the ceremony (like a reception, but not quite) the dinner is  approx $100plus per person.  Also, we want to take our guests to a luau the night we arrive to thank everyone for making the long trip  (that's $120 a person) and a farewell brunch (don't know how much that will cost), plus welcome bags.  So each guest adds close to $300!!!  I don't want to think of my guests in terms of dollar signs, but I don't want this getting out of control.  How do I tell people they aren't invited if they  offer to pay "their own way"?

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Re: DW- showers and guest list

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-showers-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f15d2479-2e2a-4c87-acbc-4f877fdc7dfbPost:17659a80-ff94-4aa6-9de3-b4b0e8f6d6c9">DW- showers and guest list</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is it appropriate to invite guests to a bridal shower and not the actual wedding?

    <strong>No.  Absolutely not.  </strong>

    How do I tell people they aren't invited if they  offer to pay "their own way"?

    <strong>"Thanks for the good wishes!  Due to cost, we are keeping our guest list small.  We're so sorry--let's be sure to have dinner when we get back!"</strong>
    Posted by scottie_mommy[/QUOTE]
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  • Is it appropriate to invite guests to a bridal shower and not the actual wedding?

    No, absolutely not. Please don't invite people who aren't invited to the wedding to any pre-wedding parties.

    How do I tell people they aren't invited if they  offer to pay "their own way"?

    Who is paying for your wedding? If your mom is contributing, she does get a say on who will be invited. If not politely ask your mom to shut her trap, and just don't invite the people, they should get the hint when they don't get an invite in the mail.
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  • 1)  No people are not to be invited to prewedding parties, if they are not invited to the wedding.

    2) Tell your mom to add the disclaimer "small wedding" to her discussion of the wedding, or just shut up!  People should figure it out when they don't get an invite or receive details regarding the wedding.

  • You shouldn't invite anyone to a pre-wedding party if they won't be invited to the actual wedding.  Tell your Mom this and if she doesn't believe you, you might want to pick up a wedding etiquette book to help her out.

    As far as inviting people to the wedding, it sounds like you need to explain to her that it's about wanting a small wedding with people that you are close to only.  That's it.  That's what you guys want.  If people invite themselves, you and her and anyone else need to come up with a line to say like "oh that is so sweet that you would come, but we're keeping it to immediate family only.  They really want a more intimate wedding." and then change the subject.  You have to get your Mom on board though or she'll go behind your back and invite people anyway, or at least that's how she sounds.
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  • thanks everyone!
    I was beginning to feel like a bridezilla for not wanting people at my wedding.

    Brie, I love your response!  Funny thing is, I know dinner will never happen with most of these people.  Which just proves my point.

    As for the pre-wedding party, thank you all for chiming in.  I'm hoping that my mom will understand.  Danieliza, thanks for suggesting an etiquitte book!  I was getting so flustered I didn't think of it myself.  Perhaps a mother-of-the-bride book as well. 

    I think I may ask her to use the money she would have used towards the shower towards the wedding instead.  In exchange, she can choose one couple/family that she would like to invite.  Does that seem fair?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-showers-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f15d2479-2e2a-4c87-acbc-4f877fdc7dfbPost:c0399b1e-9aeb-4147-84ac-ff3e57e876b0">Re: DW- showers and guest list</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think I may ask her to use the money she would have used towards the shower towards the wedding instead.  In exchange, she can choose one couple/family that she would like to invite.  Does that seem fair?
    Posted by scottie_mommy[/QUOTE]

    It is not really nice to tell someone else how to spend their money.  If you decline the shower, she may offer to help with the wedding, but I woudln't offer the "trade" that you suggested.  It is almost insulting (eg. please pay for my wedding and if you do, I'll let you invite 1 guest of your choosing).
  • i agree that you can't invite people to showers and such and then not the wedding. but a lot of people who have destination weddings have parties to celebrate the wedding at home afterwards. maybe something like that would be a good compromise?

    ps i am pretty jealous of your hawaii wedding...that is what i originally wanted but we decided to have a bigger one at home because we are both close with a lot of our (large) families. good luck and have fun!
  • i'm planning a destination wedding as well, and i've declined all parties (showers, at home receptions, etc) because i don't want there to be any issues.  my biggest fear was to have a shower (my FMIL and my aunt both offered to throw me one) and have one person who wasn't invited to the wedding accidentally get invited to the shower.  i also had a personal experience where i was invited to a shower (for a girl i never met, but i knew the groom) and i never got a wedding invite...so i know how rude/upsetting that can be.

    with that being said, i didn't ask my FMIL or aunt to contribute the money they would have spent on my shower to my wedding.  that's not appropriate at all.
  • carrieoz_76carrieoz_76 member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-showers-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f15d2479-2e2a-4c87-acbc-4f877fdc7dfbPost:17659a80-ff94-4aa6-9de3-b4b0e8f6d6c9">DW- showers and guest list</a>:
    [QUOTE]  Is it appropriate to invite guests to a bridal shower and not the actual wedding? How do I tell people they aren't invited if they  offer to pay "their own way"?
    Posted by scottie_mommy[/QUOTE]
    Don't invite ppl to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding (or at least an at-home reception).  But you can still have a shower - just make sure everyone invited to it is also invited to the wedding.  Mine was smaller than some, but perfect for me.<div>
    </div><div>As for the guest list question, the short answer is that you decide (along with any parents who may be paying) how long or short the guest list is - no matter how far away the wedding is.  Just because potential guests are willing to pay to travel to your wedding doesn't mean you're obligated to invite them to attend.  Even if guests are paying for their travel, you're still paying for their wedding-related costs, and guest list size is the biggest thing that increases or decreases the wedding budget.</div><div>
    </div><div>More importantly, you and your FI (and any parents who may be paying) should decide on an intimate and small wedding or a large one, wherever you have it.  That's totally your call, and shouldn't change just b/c Aunt May's whole family can afford to travel to your wedding.  Plus, in HI, some of your venues may not work for larger groups, which could mean changing major elements for a larger guest list.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-showers-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f15d2479-2e2a-4c87-acbc-4f877fdc7dfbPost:94658387-8f8a-460f-b5df-587cc54aca70">Re: DW- showers and guest list</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: DW- showers and guest list : It is not really nice to tell someone else how to spend their money.  If you decline the shower, she may offer to help with the wedding, but I woudln't offer the "trade" that you suggested.  It is almost insulting (eg. please pay for my wedding and if you do, I'll let you invite 1 guest of your choosing).
    Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]


    I know based on my relationship with my family, that I would be comfortable telling my parents how to apply money being offered to me for my wedding. But I would suggest inviting the additional couple due to not having the shower as opposed to making it sound like a "trade".
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