In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:ff7dcdce-7c9a-43d9-82fa-c392d04b4cbc">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Andra before you talk to FI this evening make sure you've got a place to go if you need to leave. Even if it's just for the night to cool off or give each other time to think. Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:e10affde-71f9-415b-bde4-e3b1addf4e1b">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : HOW ELSE are you supposed to mean something like that? Seriously. Give me a break. I lose my filter sometimes, but I'm never disgustingly rude. Look at it like this: your FI is always going to forgive his mother, no matter what he does. When she makes him mad, does he give her the silent treatment? But when you upset him, he gives it to you. Whose side is he really on? If he gives his mom the silent treatment, then he shuts down with stress. But I would bet an entire city that he doesn't EVER give her the silent treatment. He's afraid of her. He doesn't care about you or your reaction. Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]<div> </div><div>You're right, he's never given his family the silent treatment because he's afraid of them. I need to find out why I don't get the same consideration that they do.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:c9fafefd-883f-4dce-a799-6fa884705018">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Andra, I have a feeling you're ignoring what I wrote because you really don't want to hear it. No one would. But please, for your own sanity and safety, consider it. I've been working in the domestic violence field since 1989. I know what I see. Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
<div>LD, I wasn't ignoring you at all, I just hadn't gotten there yet. I replied a couple minutes ago, and just got to this post.</div><div> </div><div>I'm trying to absorb everything in without shielding myself... If I cant do that from the other side of the computer screen, how will I be able to deal with fh later on? Thanks for the advice, it really has me thinking.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:189568b5-07de-43a3-9ca0-b84825c396c6">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I don't think she's ignoring you - I think she's just a little slow to respond, because it looks like she's trying to respond to everyone. Have some patience with her. Posted by Holly4212011[/QUOTE]
<div>You're right, I'm a bit slow getting through everything. I tried to reply to everyone, and then I had to skip a few that were already saying things that I had replied to. I did reply to (both) of LD's posts now, though! </div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:4a79a92d-6e7b-40e7-bcb8-969594517f80">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Oh 23? You have soooooo much ahead of you. If you can't fix this with FI DON'T trap yourself in to something that will only bring your heartache in the end. Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>Yes, I know I have my whole life ahead of me, and that's something positive. I think I've had a seriously bad start when it comes to relationships and I feel like starting a new one is majorly daunting.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:36a64fe3-95b9-4855-98ea-22a7c66f8eff">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : So much of this. I'm not much older than you (I'm 24), so don't take this as a "youre so young!" line, but really, you have plenty of time. And I think you need to take the time to really understand yourself and figure out some things. Please don't rush into this marriage until you and your FI are on the same page. Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]
<div>I don't think I will rush into anything. We have plenty of time until the date, and until then I'm not booking any vendors until we book a therapist and reall get the ball rolling and I start to feel more secure.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:a6a7ea75-e515-4601-8792-f2ace7e4391c">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : You DEFINITELY have more chances ahead of you, if that's what you choose. You're 23. Don't ever feel hopeless. And you said you work your ass off in every relationship - don't you deserve someone who works just as hard for you? Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]
<div>I think I know that I deserve more, and that's what frustrates me. I keep trying to lead by modelling, and I keep getting screwed over when I deserve more consideration.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:2435c0d6-16a7-4348-99eb-84bfdcec284f">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Yes, I know I have my whole life ahead of me, and that's something positive. I think I've had a seriously bad start when it comes to relationships and I feel like starting a new one is majorly daunting. Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Don't let your life be defined by your relationships. Let them happen naturally (whether romantic or platonic). Just be your own person and the rest will fall into place.
I sound like a fortune cookie, but it's a life lesson I learned the hard way.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:d33e8cf3-e4fc-4553-bc97-251e9f29819a">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]I hope this doesn't sound awful: Andra, I am really thinking of you. I want good things for you, and I have read all of the way through this post to here, wasting a solid hour of company time I might add! I have no better advice than what has already been said. I am posting mostly so I can come back and read more later. The fact that you can make these changes is inspiring to me! -big giant bear hugs- Posted by hearthemelody[/QUOTE]
<div>Oooops... hopefully you won't get in trouble with the big boss </div><div> </div><div>I'll keep you girls posted, I promise.</div><div> </div><div>I'll try to come on here after the discussion I have with fh. We had a pretty big fight yesterday but I'm hoping it can be resolved and we can start putting our relationship on track before it's too late.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:ff7dcdce-7c9a-43d9-82fa-c392d04b4cbc">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Andra before you talk to FI this evening make sure you've got a place to go if you need to leave. Even if it's just for the night to cool off or give each other time to think. Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>The only place I'd have is a hotel... we're both living in a different city part-time (he works here, so we're here during the weekdays and at home on weekends). </div><div> </div><div>I don't have any friends here, at all.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:e76c4f95-e5a8-4d54-b69b-d09e975ccc02">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]I'm leaving work now, but I'll be thinking about you a lot. I hope everything goes OK tonight and know that, no matter what, you have to do what's right for you . Please give us an update when you can so we'll know how you are. Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
<div>Thanks for sticking by for so long. Have a safe ride home, and I'll try to update as soon as I can!</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:d73172d0-5ac2-4ffc-92f4-0304653f03b9">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Repeat that to yourself regularly. If he says no to therapy, then I say no to the relationship. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]
<div>I have... I've actually made a list of my points that I'm going to have to stick to.</div><div> </div><div>1= I deserve more, and to at least be treated equally.</div><div>2= no more silent treatments. We need to communicate even if we disagree.</div><div>3= time to put ourselves ahead and the families on the back burner</div><div>4= therapy, at the very least individual therapy to start with.</div><div> </div><div>Those are my non-negotiables.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:4bbb9651-a209-4ab8-bef5-62131b520976">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Don't let your life be defined by your relationships. Let them happen naturally (whether romantic or platonic). Just be your own person and the rest will fall into place. I sound like a fortune cookie, but it's a life lesson I learned the hard way. Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]
<div>well fortune cookies are usually right... though the lucky numbers never help me win the lottery... :P</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:72ffee4b-1d25-454e-bfa5-22dc62ae8f0d">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Do you work in that city? Can you go to the other city? To your parents? Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>I can only go if I take a plane- I don't have a car here and it's 600km away. Fh usually drives us in (company car) or I take the train (but it stops running at around 5pm)</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:16dd05c3-582c-47b2-9f9e-96f66b179c1e">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Hi LD, I wasn't ignoring you, just trying to keep up with all these posts, but I've finally made it to yours! I think, if you don't mind, I'll say some of the things you posted on here to FH. I wonder what he'll say when I tell him that his treatment, and that of his family, has been abusive. I've never used that word around him before. Thanks for all the advice, and for taking the time to write all of that up! Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE] Sorry I thought you might be. I just know no one wants to hear this sort of thing; it's not an easy thing to step back and see.<div> </div><div>I absolutely don't mind you saying these things to your FI... EXCEPT that I don't want it to escalate things. I'm going to sound alarmist, but bear with me: Keep your cell phone on you and program in 911 so all you have to do is hit one button to dial if necessary. Or if you're not in the US now, whatever you'll need for emergency police protection where you are. Also, try to keep him from getting between you & the door in case you need to run.</div><div> </div><div>I just don't want my words enraging him and making him take the next step to actual physical violence.</div><div> </div><div>Short of that, do expect him to try and manipulate, rationalize, and talk away everything I've said. He's got practice. But you're learning to see it, so make sure you keep your skeptical perspective when you're listening to him talk.</div>
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
I see, well then have the information for the closest hotel available. Then maybe get on the first train tomorrow morning.
I'm only saying this as a last resort. For all we know your FI may completely get where you're coming from and things may be ok tonight. But considering how most of your disagreements end up, I'm thinking it might be best for you to have a place to go.
Andra I just read through this whole thing, I don't have much more to add, you know what you need to do, I hope it works out ok. And if you need to stay at a hotel tonight then so be it. I'll be thinking of you, hope everything goes as good as it can. Don't forget that you ARE worth so much more than you are currently getting. You deserve to be happy! And that might mean going through some pain before you reach happiness, but in the long run it will be worth it, I promise.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:2e03096c-5706-4cf8-a140-7d140f24ae2c">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Sorry I thought you might be. I just know no one wants to hear this sort of thing; it's not an easy thing to step back and see. I absolutely don't mind you saying these things to your FI... EXCEPT that I don't want it to escalate things. I'm going to sound alarmist, but bear with me: Keep your cell phone on you and program in 911 so all you have to do is hit one button to dial if necessary. Or if you're not in the US now, whatever you'll need for emergency police protection where you are. Also, try to keep him from getting between you & the door in case you need to run. I just don't want my words enraging him and making him take the next step to actual physical violence. Short of that, do expect him to try and manipulate, rationalize, and talk away everything I've said. He's got practice. But you're learning to see it, so make sure you keep your skeptical perspective when you're listening to him talk. Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
<div>Thanks for the adivce, I'll do all of it. Better safe than sorry.</div><div> </div><div>I think I've been skeptical for a long time, I just never had the balls to turn that skepticism into an ultimatum and really seriously talk it all out.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:ab883e6f-f865-4c6f-b0d6-951c2f83a3e2">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]I see, well then have the information for the closest hotel available. Then maybe get on the first train tomorrow morning. I'm only saying this as a last resort. For all we know your FI may completely get where you're coming from and things may be ok tonight. But considering how most of your disabreements end up, I'm thinking it might be best for you to have a place to go. Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>You're right. Luckily there are tons of hotels nearby since we live in the middle of downtown, so if the worst case scenario happens, I'm sure I'll have a place to stay at one of them.</div><div> </div><div>Thanks for all the advice, I really did take it to heart!</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:78e9bbe6-20b5-4daa-b949-f12fe6572e37">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Andra I just read through this whole thing, I don't have much more to add, you know what you need to do, I hope it works out ok. And if you need to stay at a hotel tonight then so be it. I'll be thinking of you, hope everything goes as good as it can. <strong>Don't forget that you ARE worth so much more than you are currently getting. You deserve to be happy! And that might mean going through some pain before you reach happiness, but in the long run it will be worth it, I promise.</strong> Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]
<div>Thanks Nicole, I'll keep that running through my mind tonight as a reminder not to give in!</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:d12d72e2-fd86-47ec-bdea-2b515a7c797f">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Thanks for the adivce, I'll do all of it. Better safe than sorry. I think I've been skeptical for a long time, I just never had the balls to turn that skepticism into an ultimatum and really seriously talk it all out. Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE] I'm glad you're getting there now. You're so young (and I *can* say that, 'cause I got married at 38!) and have so much potential.<div> </div><div>When I worked in the local DV office at the courthouse, I met a woman who came in who'd been married 49 years to an abusive, controlling, manipulative bastard. She'd gotten married at 21, and was 70 when she came in. I was amazed she had the backbone to do it but so sad that she spent nearly 50 years so miserable. The whole best part of her life, gone to abuse. I don't want that for you.</div>
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:810bd56f-4059-4c03-973d-95532826db1e">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Did you even read the rest of this thread before replying? Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:9dbf9cf1-d020-4bb0-9f17-3e6e4f747e1a">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Regardless of the situation, I HARDLY believe that this place you are hosting (yes, you are hosting) your engagement party at can not fit ONE MORE person. She's one body. Suck it up! There are people I don't want to invite to my e-party, showers, wedding... but unfortunately some blood relative of mine has chosen to like and date them, and therefore I am obligated to invite them. Posted by mrsjmwolfe[/QUOTE]
<div>Seriously? That is not even close to the issue at this point. </div><div> </div><div>Andra, It took me ages to read through this thread, but my heart is breaking for you tonight.</div><div> </div><div>I hope you see the outpouring of support that all these internet strangers feel <u>you deserve</u>. If a whole bunch of strangers feel you deserve better than this than you clearly do. </div><div> </div><div>Good luck tonight. Remember that the T&P of so many people are with you this evening.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:9dbf9cf1-d020-4bb0-9f17-3e6e4f747e1a">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Regardless of the situation, I HARDLY believe that this place you are hosting (yes, you are hosting) your engagement party at can not fit ONE MORE person. She's one body. Suck it up! There are people I don't want to invite to my e-party, showers, wedding... but unfortunately some blood relative of mine has chosen to like and date them, and therefore I am obligated to invite them. Posted by mrsjmwolfe[/QUOTE]
I'm genuinely curious about why someone who obviously has no interest whatsoever in <em>actually reading what other people write</em> would participate in a <em>written forum</em> like a message board.
I just read the entire thread and I am sitting here almost in tears for you. I wish I lived in whatever city you live in because I would come pick you up and you could stay at my apartment for however long you needed. Seriously. I don't think there's much more that I can add to this, but part of me wants to share my thoughts/ experiences as well.
You deserve so much better than this. You are not damaged goods. And you have plenty of time to find someone who will truly make you happy and be the man you should be with. You sound like such a sweetheart. My dad (after a messy divorce from my mom) found the love of his life at 43 and could not be happier.
I went through something very similar to what you're dealing with. My ex manipulated me out of all of my friends and turned me against my family. I didn't have an identity anymore, I was just his girlfriend. That was all I knew. After I found the courage to leave I entered into several more unhealthy relationships. I finally saw what I was doing to myself and now I'm in a healthy, happy relationship. My FI always has my back and I have his.
This is going to sound crazy, but this quote helped me get past it, so much so that I plan to get a tattooed of it:
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
It seems like from your "damaged goods" comment that you feel like you deserve this treatment. You don't. No one does.
I know everyone has been suggesting therapy, but I really think you shouldn't even bother and get out now. He sounds like an emotionally abusive a**hole and people like that don't change.
We are all pulling for you. I'm glad to hear (read) you plan to keep us posted. Take LD's advice to heart about having 911 (or whatever the equivalent is for you) on standby. I'll be checking back to see how things turn out and until then I'll be thinking of you and hoping everything turns out ok.
Just read through the entire thread, I am so sorry, and I hope the talk tonight goes well. I will be thinking of you, as will all of the amazing people on this board. Stay strong, you can do this!!
When I broke up w/ my verbally abusive college bf, he first exploded and started yelling at me. Afterwards he demanded closure. My dad absolutely refused to let me see him alone due to his initial outburst, so he cancelled his afternoon apts and sat out of sight on our staircase while the ex and I talked in the kitchen. Knowing he was there helped me get through a very difficult situation. I know it's corny, but I hope you know all of us here are 'sitting on the stairs' rooting for you, with your best interests at heart.
ETA: I know you're not breaking up with your FI, sorry I didn't mean to imply that.
I have a slightly different point of view. I was the one that didn't want to leave my family and have FI as my family. It was incredibly hard on him and me. We did go through some counseling and it helped. I finally had to realize that he was my family and I had to trust him completely or this wouldn't work. Anyway, I guess my point is that you can get through this but he has to be willing to do it too.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:64c07c04-350a-4952-9444-232a10ad793d">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I'm genuinely curious about why someone who obviously has no interest whatsoever in actually reading what other people write would participate in a written forum like a message board. Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
I bet it's her MIL.
Andra I hope things are going well. I'm glad you're having a talk with him...
From my personal experience I can tell you that 23 is def not too late in life. That's when my ex and I broke up and I ended up meeting my now-husband later that year. I cannot praise how much therapy has helped me with my own issues, and whether or not FI agrees to go with you or by himself, you should definitely go for yourself.
Personally, the fact that you have no friends where you live nad he controls your mode of transportation and where you live just makes it sounds more and more like you're in an abusive relationship. He's not only emotionally manipulating you, you're cut off from any support system and dependent on him. Just some thoughts if you come back to this thread later feeling like you're in the wrong (something my ex was quite skilled at). You're not, you deserve better than how he's treating you and what he's doing IS abusive, although I doubt he'll agree with that.
Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?
[QUOTE]Andra before you talk to FI this evening make sure you've got a place to go if you need to leave. Even if it's just for the night to cool off or give each other time to think.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
This is really good advice.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : HOW ELSE are you supposed to mean something like that? Seriously. Give me a break. I lose my filter sometimes, but I'm never disgustingly rude. Look at it like this: your FI is always going to forgive his mother, no matter what he does. When she makes him mad, does he give her the silent treatment? But when you upset him, he gives it to you. Whose side is he really on? If he gives his mom the silent treatment, then he shuts down with stress. But I would bet an entire city that he doesn't EVER give her the silent treatment. He's afraid of her. He doesn't care about you or your reaction.
Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You're right, he's never given his family the silent treatment because he's afraid of them. I need to find out why I don't get the same consideration that they do.
</div>
[QUOTE]Andra, I have a feeling you're ignoring what I wrote because you really don't want to hear it. No one would. But please, for your own sanity and safety, consider it. I've been working in the domestic violence field since 1989. I know what I see.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
<div>LD, I wasn't ignoring you at all, I just hadn't gotten there yet. I replied a couple minutes ago, and just got to this post.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm trying to absorb everything in without shielding myself... If I cant do that from the other side of the computer screen, how will I be able to deal with fh later on? Thanks for the advice, it really has me thinking.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I don't think she's ignoring you - I think she's just a little slow to respond, because it looks like she's trying to respond to everyone. Have some patience with her.
Posted by Holly4212011[/QUOTE]
<div>You're right, I'm a bit slow getting through everything. I tried to reply to everyone, and then I had to skip a few that were already saying things that I had replied to. I did reply to (both) of LD's posts now, though! </div>
[QUOTE]Oh 23? You have soooooo much ahead of you. If you can't fix this with FI DON'T trap yourself in to something that will only bring your heartache in the end.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>Yes, I know I have my whole life ahead of me, and that's something positive. I think I've had a seriously bad start when it comes to relationships and I feel like starting a new one is majorly daunting.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : So much of this. I'm not much older than you (I'm 24), so don't take this as a "youre so young!" line, but really, you have plenty of time. And I think you need to take the time to really understand yourself and figure out some things. Please don't rush into this marriage until you and your FI are on the same page.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]
<div>I don't think I will rush into anything. We have plenty of time until the date, and until then I'm not booking any vendors until we book a therapist and reall get the ball rolling and I start to feel more secure.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : You DEFINITELY have more chances ahead of you, if that's what you choose. You're 23. Don't ever feel hopeless. And you said you work your ass off in every relationship - don't you deserve someone who works just as hard for you?
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]
<div>I think I know that I deserve more, and that's what frustrates me. I keep trying to lead by modelling, and I keep getting screwed over when I deserve more consideration.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Yes, I know I have my whole life ahead of me, and that's something positive. I think I've had a seriously bad start when it comes to relationships and I feel like starting a new one is majorly daunting.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Don't let your life be defined by your relationships. Let them happen naturally (whether romantic or platonic). Just be your own person and the rest will fall into place.
I sound like a fortune cookie, but it's a life lesson I learned the hard way.
[QUOTE]I hope this doesn't sound awful: Andra, I am really thinking of you. I want good things for you, and I have read all of the way through this post to here, wasting a solid hour of company time I might add! I have no better advice than what has already been said. I am posting mostly so I can come back and read more later. The fact that you can make these changes is inspiring to me! -big giant bear hugs-
Posted by hearthemelody[/QUOTE]
<div>Oooops... hopefully you won't get in trouble with the big boss </div><div>
</div><div>I'll keep you girls posted, I promise.</div><div>
</div><div>I'll try to come on here after the discussion I have with fh. We had a pretty big fight yesterday but I'm hoping it can be resolved and we can start putting our relationship on track before it's too late.</div>
[QUOTE]Andra before you talk to FI this evening make sure you've got a place to go if you need to leave. Even if it's just for the night to cool off or give each other time to think.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>The only place I'd have is a hotel... we're both living in a different city part-time (he works here, so we're here during the weekdays and at home on weekends). </div><div>
</div><div>I don't have any friends here, at all.</div>
[QUOTE]I'm leaving work now, but I'll be thinking about you a lot. I hope everything goes OK tonight and know that, no matter what, you have to do what's right for you . Please give us an update when you can so we'll know how you are.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
<div>Thanks for sticking by for so long. Have a safe ride home, and I'll try to update as soon as I can!</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Repeat that to yourself regularly. If he says no to therapy, then I say no to the relationship. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]
<div>I have... I've actually made a list of my points that I'm going to have to stick to.</div><div>
</div><div>1= I deserve more, and to at least be treated equally.</div><div>2= no more silent treatments. We need to communicate even if we disagree.</div><div>3= time to put ourselves ahead and the families on the back burner</div><div>4= therapy, at the very least individual therapy to start with.</div><div>
</div><div>Those are my non-negotiables.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Don't let your life be defined by your relationships. Let them happen naturally (whether romantic or platonic). Just be your own person and the rest will fall into place. I sound like a fortune cookie, but it's a life lesson I learned the hard way.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]
<div>well fortune cookies are usually right... though the lucky numbers never help me win the lottery... :P</div>
[QUOTE]Do you work in that city? Can you go to the other city? To your parents?
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>I can only go if I take a plane- I don't have a car here and it's 600km away. Fh usually drives us in (company car) or I take the train (but it stops running at around 5pm)</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Hi LD, I wasn't ignoring you, just trying to keep up with all these posts, but I've finally made it to yours! I think, if you don't mind, I'll say some of the things you posted on here to FH. I wonder what he'll say when I tell him that his treatment, and that of his family, has been abusive. I've never used that word around him before. Thanks for all the advice, and for taking the time to write all of that up!
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Sorry I thought you might be. I just know no one wants to hear this sort of thing; it's not an easy thing to step back and see.<div>
</div><div>I absolutely don't mind you saying these things to your FI... EXCEPT that I don't want it to escalate things. I'm going to sound alarmist, but bear with me: Keep your cell phone on you and program in 911 so all you have to do is hit one button to dial if necessary. Or if you're not in the US now, whatever you'll need for emergency police protection where you are. Also, try to keep him from getting between you & the door in case you need to run.</div><div>
</div><div>I just don't want my words enraging him and making him take the next step to actual physical violence.</div><div>
</div><div>Short of that, do expect him to try and manipulate, rationalize, and talk away everything I've said. He's got practice. But you're learning to see it, so make sure you keep your skeptical perspective when you're listening to him talk.</div>
I'm only saying this as a last resort. For all we know your FI may completely get where you're coming from and things may be ok tonight. But considering how most of your disagreements end up, I'm thinking it might be best for you to have a place to go.
Bio, now with married pics...
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Sorry I thought you might be. I just know no one wants to hear this sort of thing; it's not an easy thing to step back and see. I absolutely don't mind you saying these things to your FI... EXCEPT that I don't want it to escalate things. I'm going to sound alarmist, but bear with me: Keep your cell phone on you and program in 911 so all you have to do is hit one button to dial if necessary. Or if you're not in the US now, whatever you'll need for emergency police protection where you are. Also, try to keep him from getting between you & the door in case you need to run. I just don't want my words enraging him and making him take the next step to actual physical violence. Short of that, do expect him to try and manipulate, rationalize, and talk away everything I've said. He's got practice. But you're learning to see it, so make sure you keep your skeptical perspective when you're listening to him talk.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
<div>Thanks for the adivce, I'll do all of it. Better safe than sorry.</div><div>
</div><div>I think I've been skeptical for a long time, I just never had the balls to turn that skepticism into an ultimatum and really seriously talk it all out.</div>
[QUOTE]I see, well then have the information for the closest hotel available. Then maybe get on the first train tomorrow morning. I'm only saying this as a last resort. For all we know your FI may completely get where you're coming from and things may be ok tonight. But considering how most of your disabreements end up, I'm thinking it might be best for you to have a place to go.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>You're right. Luckily there are tons of hotels nearby since we live in the middle of downtown, so if the worst case scenario happens, I'm sure I'll have a place to stay at one of them.</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for all the advice, I really did take it to heart!</div>
[QUOTE]Andra I just read through this whole thing, I don't have much more to add, you know what you need to do, I hope it works out ok. And if you need to stay at a hotel tonight then so be it. I'll be thinking of you, hope everything goes as good as it can. <strong>Don't forget that you ARE worth so much more than you are currently getting. You deserve to be happy! And that might mean going through some pain before you reach happiness, but in the long run it will be worth it, I promise.</strong>
Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]
<div>Thanks Nicole, I'll keep that running through my mind tonight as a reminder not to give in!</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Thanks for the adivce, I'll do all of it. Better safe than sorry. I think I've been skeptical for a long time, I just never had the balls to turn that skepticism into an ultimatum and really seriously talk it all out.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
I'm glad you're getting there now. You're so young (and I *can* say that, 'cause I got married at 38!) and have so much potential.<div>
</div><div>When I worked in the local DV office at the courthouse, I met a woman who came in who'd been married 49 years to an abusive, controlling, manipulative bastard. She'd gotten married at 21, and was 70 when she came in. I was amazed she had the backbone to do it but so sad that she spent nearly 50 years so miserable. The whole best part of her life, gone to abuse. I don't want that for you.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Did you even read the rest of this thread before replying?
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
I'm gonna go with, definitely not.
The issue here is no longer an engagement party.
[QUOTE]Regardless of the situation, I HARDLY believe that this place you are hosting (yes, you are hosting) your engagement party at can not fit ONE MORE person. She's one body. Suck it up! There are people I don't want to invite to my e-party, showers, wedding... but unfortunately some blood relative of mine has chosen to like and date them, and therefore I am obligated to invite them.
Posted by mrsjmwolfe[/QUOTE]
<div>Seriously? That is not even close to the issue at this point. </div><div>
</div><div>Andra, It took me ages to read through this thread, but my heart is breaking for you tonight.</div><div>
</div><div>I hope you see the outpouring of support that all these internet strangers feel <u>you deserve</u>. If a whole bunch of strangers feel you deserve better than this than you clearly do. </div><div>
</div><div>Good luck tonight. Remember that the T&P of so many people are with you this evening.</div>
[QUOTE]Regardless of the situation, I HARDLY believe that this place you are hosting (yes, you are hosting) your engagement party at can not fit ONE MORE person. She's one body. Suck it up! There are people I don't want to invite to my e-party, showers, wedding... but unfortunately some blood relative of mine has chosen to like and date them, and therefore I am obligated to invite them.
Posted by mrsjmwolfe[/QUOTE]
I'm genuinely curious about why someone who obviously has no interest whatsoever in <em>actually reading what other people write</em> would participate in a <em>written forum</em> like a message board.
You deserve so much better than this. You are not damaged goods. And you have plenty of time to find someone who will truly make you happy and be the man you should be with. You sound like such a sweetheart. My dad (after a messy divorce from my mom) found the love of his life at 43 and could not be happier.
I went through something very similar to what you're dealing with. My ex manipulated me out of all of my friends and turned me against my family. I didn't have an identity anymore, I was just his girlfriend. That was all I knew. After I found the courage to leave I entered into several more unhealthy relationships. I finally saw what I was doing to myself and now I'm in a healthy, happy relationship. My FI always has my back and I have his.
This is going to sound crazy, but this quote helped me get past it, so much so that I plan to get a tattooed of it:
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
It seems like from your "damaged goods" comment that you feel like you deserve this treatment. You don't. No one does.
I know everyone has been suggesting therapy, but I really think you shouldn't even bother and get out now. He sounds like an emotionally abusive a**hole and people like that don't change.
We are all pulling for you. I'm glad to hear (read) you plan to keep us posted. Take LD's advice to heart about having 911 (or whatever the equivalent is for you) on standby. I'll be checking back to see how things turn out and until then I'll be thinking of you and hoping everything turns out ok.
*LOTS AND LOTS OF HUGS*
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I'm genuinely curious about why someone who obviously has no interest whatsoever in actually reading what other people write would participate in a written forum like a message board.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
I bet it's her MIL.
Andra I hope things are going well. I'm glad you're having a talk with him...
From my personal experience I can tell you that 23 is def not too late in life. That's when my ex and I broke up and I ended up meeting my now-husband later that year. I cannot praise how much therapy has helped me with my own issues, and whether or not FI agrees to go with you or by himself, you should definitely go for yourself.
Personally, the fact that you have no friends where you live nad he controls your mode of transportation and where you live just makes it sounds more and more like you're in an abusive relationship. He's not only emotionally manipulating you, you're cut off from any support system and dependent on him. Just some thoughts if you come back to this thread later feeling like you're in the wrong (something my ex was quite skilled at). You're not, you deserve better than how he's treating you and what he's doing IS abusive, although I doubt he'll agree with that.
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