Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?

katiewhompus · December 2010

I stole this off TN but thought it could make for an interesting discussion.

Can a couple have a full, healthy relationship without sex, especially if they are married?

Before I would have said no, that sex was a very important part of a healthy relationship. Now I can see how it still works. It does add some frustration in but ultimately the no sex thing has not been a huge thing in our relationship.

Comments? Ideas? I know you are out there people!!!

Blueyed228 · December 2010

I personally could not.

SarahPLiz · December 2010

I could but H couldn't. His love language includes physical intimacy and if we don't make time for it he feels unloved and unvalued. I don't share that love language, so I can go for a long time without actual sex and still be WAY in love with him.

vegasgroom · December 2010

I'd say no, but that's just me, most of my married friends seems to be able to do it ROFL

aggiebug · December 2010

yep for sure.

NatesGirl16 · December 2010

I would say no, on a long term basis. Could you go a few weeks or months without it and still maintain an intimate connection? Yes. Years? Then I would think something is wrong.

LessThanZero · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-healthy-relationship-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c5d0070-107d-4483-8530-937b352c9379Post:49212841-e5bd-48b4-bbea-11ad85a6c9c0">Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]I could but H couldn't. His love language includes physical intimacy and if we don't make time for it he feels unloved and unvalued. I don't share that love language, so I can go for a long time without actual sex and still be WAY in love with him.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

Same here. I have to read that love language book too.

reddy123 · December 2010

Two people could both have zero sex drive and have an excellent relationship, why not? This is how I imagine us when we are 85 in a retirement home together.

But I am with Blue, it wouldn't work for me, and my friends that work at a retirement home walk in on people all the time, so who knows. Sorry if that was tmi.

betrothed123 · December 2010

Sex? Yes. Intimacy? No. It's very important to be intimate in some way, but there are plenty of ways to do that without sex. Marriages that are failing due to lack of sex are most likely actually failing due to a lack of intimacy in general, IMO. The lack of sex is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.

vegasgroom · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-healthy-relationship-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c5d0070-107d-4483-8530-937b352c9379Post:d9a065b5-67ce-4e46-ae25-d008193e7237">Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]Two people could both have zero sex drive and have an excellent relationship, why not? This is how I imagine us when we are 85 in a retirement home together. But I am with Blue, it wouldn't work for me, and my friends that work at a retirement home walk in on people all the time, so who knows. Sorry if that was tmi.
Posted by reddy123[/QUOTE]

I was about to post the same thing, I heard something affecting senior citizens with a surprisingly sharp increase in occurrences these days are STD's. I guess you mix widowed seniors, communal living and viagra and the magic still happens haha.

ricksang · December 2010

No. If I wanted a sexless marriage I'd get a roommate. It may work for some people but I think it would cause cheating, JMO.

NatesGirl16 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-healthy-relationship-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c5d0070-107d-4483-8530-937b352c9379Post:d9a065b5-67ce-4e46-ae25-d008193e7237">Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]Two people could both have zero sex drive and have an excellent relationship, why not? This is how I imagine us when we are 85 in a retirement home together. But I am with Blue, it wouldn't work for me, <strong>and my friends that work at a retirement home walk in on people all the time, so who knows. So</strong>rry if that was tmi.
Posted by reddy123[/QUOTE]
Reddy, this made me giggle out loud, because you added it in so nonchalantly.

LedZeppelin · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-healthy-relationship-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c5d0070-107d-4483-8530-937b352c9379Post:e8c103b4-e038-47f8-b76b-57cebc0d6338">Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sex? Yes. Intimacy? No. It's very important to be intimate in some way, but there are plenty of ways to do that without sex. Marriages that are failing due to lack of sex are most likely actually failing due to a lack of intimacy in general, IMO. The lack of sex is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I love this answer and I completely agree. </div><div>
</div><div>When I was pregnant we rarely had sex, but we still had a great relationship. I was fine not having sex very often, but I know it bothered FI because as (I think) Sarah, mentioned, he felt like I didn't love him or wasn't attracted to him. We had a few tough moments here and there because of it, but our relationship as a whole was still going strong.

</div>

ricksang · December 2010

I also would like to say that I can turn into an asshole if I go w/o too long. I am sure other people do too and that isn't good for a relationship.

JenGin74 · December 2010

Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?

Sure you can. With your parents, siblings, other misc relatives, friends etc.

Celles · December 2010

I don't think either of us would be happy without it.

amj287 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-healthy-relationship-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c5d0070-107d-4483-8530-937b352c9379Post:e8c103b4-e038-47f8-b76b-57cebc0d6338">Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sex? Yes. Intimacy? No. It's very important to be intimate in some way, but there are plenty of ways to do that without sex. Marriages that are failing due to lack of sex are most likely actually failing due to a lack of intimacy in general, IMO. The lack of sex is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with this.

JenGin74 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-healthy-relationship-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c5d0070-107d-4483-8530-937b352c9379Post:bbbeb0a9-6fa7-4932-8930-38a05551471c">Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]I also would like to say that I can turn into an asshole if I go w/o too long. I am sure other people do too and that isn't good for a relationship.
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

I'm the same way.

saxy414 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-healthy-relationship-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c5d0070-107d-4483-8530-937b352c9379Post:e8c103b4-e038-47f8-b76b-57cebc0d6338">Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sex? Yes. Intimacy? No. It's very important to be intimate in some way, but there are plenty of ways to do that without sex. Marriages that are failing due to lack of sex are most likely actually failing due to a lack of intimacy in general, IMO. The lack of sex is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

This.

We have stretches (especially recently with both of us in new, full-time jobs) when sex is basically non-existant. But we're still very much in love, and try to find other ways to maintain a connection--even if it's as simple as finding one night a week we can go out to dinner by ourselves. It's difficult, but completely possible.

But then I also agree with Nates--if it goes on for years without even having the urge? Maybe something is off a bit.

reddy123 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-healthy-relationship-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c5d0070-107d-4483-8530-937b352c9379Post:bbbeb0a9-6fa7-4932-8930-38a05551471c">Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]I also would like to say that I can turn into an asshole if I go w/o too long. I am sure other people do too and that isn't good for a relationship.
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

<div>But that's just assuming everyone has the same sex drive as you. What if some one just doesn't have a sex drive? That doesn't mean their only relationships should be deemed like a roommate, friend, sister, unhealthy, etc. People with no sex drives deserve love too.</div>

[Deleted User] · December 2010

I like B's answer.

For me, yes. It would probably be pretty easy to go without sex, but I do crave intimacy in other ways. For H, probably not. He could go awhile without if he had to (like if I was sick or something), but after awhile he would need it. If people aren't compatible in that area then no, it won't be a healthy relationship because one will always be wanting more. But two people who are, sure, why not?

katiewhompus · December 2010

For those who said you could not deal with a sexless relationship, what if it were medically caused and occurred after the marriage? Could you adapt and find other ways to be intimate or would that be a deal breaker? (Assuming one partner had a normal sex drive but the other was unable to have sex)

betrothed123 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-healthy-relationship-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c5d0070-107d-4483-8530-937b352c9379Post:afe52743-afc5-4e6e-bc76-fec4940b5e22">Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]For those who said you could not deal with a sexless relationship, what if it were medically caused and occurred after the marriage? Could you adapt and find other ways to be intimate or would that be a deal breaker? (Assuming one partner had a normal sex drive but the other was unable to have sex)
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]
This is what I'm wondering as well, and is exactly the thought process that my previous response came from.

COkristi · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-healthy-relationship-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c5d0070-107d-4483-8530-937b352c9379Post:afe52743-afc5-4e6e-bc76-fec4940b5e22">Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]For those who said you could not deal with a sexless relationship, what if it were medically caused and occurred after the marriage? Could you adapt and find other ways to be intimate or would that be a deal breaker? (Assuming one partner had a normal sex drive but the other was unable to have sex)
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]

Sex is important to us but I can't imagine no sex due to a medical issue after the marriage being a deal breaker. We would figure something else out. I love so many things about H I wouldn't leave him if sex was removed from our relationship.

cm42878 · December 2010

This is a two part answer for me, I can go long periods of time without sex with FI as can he with I and we are both still in love and it does not bother us. Sometimes we are both just busy and for whatever reason we dont have sex for a month or so. Now during these times we still go to dinner, movies or just hang out with each other and we are fine.

Now sometimes we have weeks where we are both struggling emotionaly or mentaly with something. Either we are sick and cranky (and by we I mean him) and for some unknown reason we are on each other nerves and bickering or fighting with each other. FI was sick a few weeks ago and he was in a pissy mood for like two weeks, during this time we did not have sex or have any fun alone time at all. i didnt whine to him about it because I knew he was already pissy but I felt disconnected from him. Then when he got to feeling better and was in a better mood we have been much better and have not had sex in a week but I dont feel disconnected because all the other parts of our relationship are healthy as well..I hope that just made since, it was kind of hard to explain.

reddy123 · December 2010

I had a friend who was a missionary in Africa. In the area where she was, 100% of the women were 'female circumsized'. We got into a long debate about it because she wasn't all for it, but she most definitely wasn't against it. She felt it was a part of their culture and worked for them. Within this debate with me she said, "The women there still have intimacy, still have satisfaction, just in a completely different way than western women." I always wanted to ask her how, but she didn't elaborate, but it definitely got me thinking.

LesPaul · December 2010

I think B nailed the answer.

A happy, healthy marriage could possibly be sexless, if both partners agree that it's ok. The unhappiness, and potential cheating, comes when the sex drives are too different, and one partner feels inadequate, unloved, and unfulfilled intimacy-wise. But two people with low sex drives could be happy and find intimacy in other ways that satisfies both of them.

NatesGirl16 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-healthy-relationship-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c5d0070-107d-4483-8530-937b352c9379Post:5c1d8443-96ad-40de-b4a6-968de798d428">Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex? : Is it bad that I had to re-read that like 10 times b/c I kept reading it as BUTT sex?
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]
Hehe, to some people that's the key to intimacy :P

LessThanZero · December 2010

Butt sex is just different from anything else, IMO.

I'm just dead right now.

katiewhompus · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-healthy-relationship-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c5d0070-107d-4483-8530-937b352c9379Post:ef7809b3-20a7-4fee-ab40-52c9fef69561">Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]Butt sex is just different from anything else, IMO . I'm just dead right now.
Posted by LessThanZero[/QUOTE]

It is definitely different I would think...

NatesGirl16 · December 2010

I also had to re-read that to see why I would write "but sex" at all and realized I meant to but that with "I don't want to be TMI, but" and instead it came off as butt sex :P.

Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?

Re: Can you have a healthy relationship without sex?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards