I'm the bad guy

cfputney · December 2011

So... My FI and I planned on getting married early May of 2012. We found out last month that his brother who is the best man is getting deployed in April and wont be home until November. Well.. It's an outside venue or I wouldn't care about postponing it but am i being completely selfish for wanting to have the wedding without him?
I just think it's shitty that this entire wedding is possibly being planned around ONE PERSON!
I would love for him to be there obviously, he's my brother in law! But I really don't want to wait until winter and have it be so cold outside. And I DONT want to wait until spring 2013.

Is there a way to go about this in a way that I don't sound like a complete bitch for wanting to have it without him?
HELP!

NJhousewife22 · December 2011

Can you move it earlier by a month to early April and still have him be in it?

dragonwagon · December 2011

Is it not possible to move the wedding to April before he leaves?

tidetravel · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-bad-guy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bc0ca781-a5f2-41a3-9f96-165eb1a2a437Post:af03987b-9a55-4aa6-a702-9342aa9d3900">I'm the bad guy</a>:
[QUOTE]So... My FI and I planned on getting married early May of 2012. We found out last month that his brother who is the best man is getting deployed in April and wont be home until November. Well.. It's an outside venue or I wouldn't care about postponing it but am i being completely selfish for wanting to have the wedding without him? I just think it's shitty that this entire wedding is possibly being planned around ONE PERSON! I would love for him to be there obviously, he's my brother in law! But I really don't want to wait until winter and have it be so cold outside. And I DONT want to wait until spring 2013. :( Is there a way to go about this in a way that I don't sound like a complete bitch for wanting to have it without him? HELP!
Posted by cfputney[/QUOTE]
Nope.

ZombieNates · December 2011

He's not your brother in law yet.

He's your fiance's brother. I don't know your FI and their relationship, but I know for sure that my husband would have wanted to rearrange our wedding in any way if one of his immediate family members could not attend.

TBH, I do think it's pretty bitchy to put the time frame of the wedding above a future family member. Yikes.

In any case, I was married in November in the northeast and it was 70 degrees out. You're in Tuscon. How cold could it be? Would it really be that big of a deal?

tidetravel · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-bad-guy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bc0ca781-a5f2-41a3-9f96-165eb1a2a437Post:75ba9089-1bb0-43b5-b968-506200b9ec45">Re: I'm the bad guy</a>:
[QUOTE]He's not your brother in law yet. He's your fiance's brother. I don't know your FI and their relationship, but I know for sure that my husband would have wanted to rearrange our wedding in any way if one of his immediate family members could not attend. TBH, I do think it's pretty bitchy to put the time frame of the wedding above a future family member. Yikes. In any case, I was married in November in the northeast and it was 70 degrees out. You're in Tuscon. How cold could it be? Would it really be that big of a deal?
Posted by ZombieNates[/QUOTE]

I'm going to guess that they're pretty close, considering he's the best man.

Marriage is about compromise, and sometimes that means you have to sacrifice something that is important to you in order to find a middle ground. In your case, it may mean sacrificing your "dream" wedding in order for your FI's brother to attend.

tidetravel · December 2011

Oh, and also, holding your wedding in May is no guarantee that you're going to get good weather for an outdoor wedding. Mother nature is a bitch sometimes.

ZombieNates · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-bad-guy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bc0ca781-a5f2-41a3-9f96-165eb1a2a437Post:e0772925-c31b-424f-a5ec-401eabd22b27">Re: I'm the bad guy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm the bad guy : I'm going to guess that they're pretty close, considering he's the best man. Marriage is about compromise, and sometimes that means you have to sacrifice something that is important to you in order to find a middle ground. In your case, it may mean sacrificing your "dream" wedding in order for your FI's brother to attend.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
That's what I figured, but the tone of the OP seemed like we'd get hit with a "ZOMG THEY'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE OR ANYTHING OMG YOU'RE SO JUDGMENTALLLLLL"

Ditto about the weather. You never know what you will get--we certainly didn't have normal, seasonal weather.

Simply Fated · December 2011

"I just think it's shitty that this entire wedding is possibly being planned around ONE PERSON! " That person is your fiancé's brother. What does he want to do, wait or continue on with the current date?

ZombieNates · December 2011

OP, is your real concern that if you postpone it until November, you'll only have a few weeks before the world ends? It's okay, you can tell us.

kimheartsscott · December 2011

Tucson is only 2 hours from Phoenix, same weather. An outdoor wedding in May? Yeah, that might be pretty damn warm and November sounds MUCH nicer. Personally.

tidetravel · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-bad-guy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bc0ca781-a5f2-41a3-9f96-165eb1a2a437Post:0d9a52ce-a76f-4d73-9bee-b5152d431540">Re: I'm the bad guy</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, is your real concern that if you postpone it until November, you'll only have a few weeks before the world ends? It's okay, you can tell us.
Posted by ZombieNates[/QUOTE]

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-kiss.gif" border="0" alt="Kiss" title="Kiss" />

mehgank · December 2011

If you look at the flip side of the coin, and let's say you stand your ground and refuse to change the date, how unhappy would your FI and his family be that you were so stubborn? Not the best start to a marriage.

Talk to your FI and his family, and see If they're comfortable with having his brother be there via Skype, then by all means keep your date. However, it's sounding more like you're going to have to move it to appease not only one person (your FBIL) but your FI's family as well.

And trust me, having to move the date due to military deployments is perfectly understandable. I had to move ours not once, not twice, but three times for that very reason. It may not be an ideal situation, but at the end of the day, you're marrying the man you love, no matter what time of year that takes place.

kimheartsscott · December 2011

Scotts graduation was in early May and I had to hide in the shade because I was feeling faint. Just sayin.

ZombieNates · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-bad-guy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bc0ca781-a5f2-41a3-9f96-165eb1a2a437Post:51842ab3-481c-41e1-983d-d1b84ea5aba5">Re: I'm the bad guy</a>:
[QUOTE]Meh, they'll still have plenty of time to bang it out before the world ends.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]
Legitimate banging it out, too, not whore-fornicating-banging.

tidetravel · December 2011

Waitaminute. I'm confused. As of two months ago, you said you had your wedding booked for NOV. If you originally had it booked for that month, you obviously weren't THAT concerned about the weather.

kimheartsscott · December 2011

Also it's a high of 75 today. JUST SAYIN. I hope op isn't getting married in Tucson.

tidetravel · December 2011

AND, I find it deplorable that you would use the brother's deployment as an excuse to get out of a contract you signed and then turn around and complain that they deployment ZOMG might ruin your pretty princess day.

mehgank · December 2011

So, was this another fly-by posting, or did we run the OP off the board already?

kimheartsscott · December 2011

Maybe she posted this and then stepped outside and instantly froze to death.

chelseamb11 · December 2011

Wow we have some detectives on this board.

OP, for real. Reverse this situation. Let's say you have a sister or a friend who is like a sister to you. That ONE person you really want there. Let's say something came up for that person and the only way to have them there was to move the wedding. You'd be pissed if your FI stood his ground on it. You're going to be married to this man for hopefully the next 60 years. 6 months isn't going to kill you if need be.

ZombieNates · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-bad-guy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bc0ca781-a5f2-41a3-9f96-165eb1a2a437Post:87848d2c-4b3a-4e48-9292-116133c29090">Re: I'm the bad guy</a>:
[QUOTE]AND, I find it deplorable that you would use the brother's deployment as an excuse to get out of a contract you signed and then turn around and complain that they deployment ZOMG might ruin your pretty princess day.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/13/5/cda4913d-8d1d-4cf0-b5f9-db41b04f6c4e.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/13/5/cda4913d-8d1d-4cf0-b5f9-db41b04f6c4e.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

OH SNAP, OP.

tidetravel · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-bad-guy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bc0ca781-a5f2-41a3-9f96-165eb1a2a437Post:4699ddea-fe36-439a-893f-a745e8572953">Re: I'm the bad guy</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe she posted this and then stepped outside and instantly froze to death.
Posted by kimheartsscott[/QUOTE]

That's obviously what happened. OP better watch out; the weather channel is calling for a frigid temperature of 78 degrees tomorrow afternoon.

sweetredhead · December 2011

I was in a not the same at all but similar situation with my wedding. When we set the date I totally did not think about my brother's schedule. He is studying to be a priest in Indiana and our wedding was in Oklahoma. The wedding was directly between his final exams. My FI was an absolute support the entire time we tried to figure out what to do. It mattered more to me that my brother be there than me having the wedding even I wanted. We were prepared to completely change the date which also would have meant we lose a sanctuary completely full of free to me flowers. But again I wanted my brother there more than decorations. We got lucky. He went to the dean or bishop (no idea who heads a seminary as I am not catholic.). He played the twin card and they allowed him to take his exams early. I know that chsllenged him to study harder for a shorter amount of time. That's what family does for each other. They make sacrifices. And my FI loved the wedding we had planned but was ready to sack it to make the family happy. I think you OP might need to take a step back and remember what you'd priorities are. For me, my family came first. Period. It doesn't sound the same for you.

Blueyed228 · December 2011

Im really trying hard to not to get real nasty over the fact that this broad doesnt think that her FBIL's service to this country isnt worth her waiting a measly 6 months for her stupid PPD.

ETA: I got married at the end of November in New England and it was 60 degrees and sunny. A friend of mine got married in May and it poured out. You cant predict weather.

cfputney · December 2011

Yeah definitely. Looking at these rude posts have actually made me see that I'm looking too far into it. And I thank you for stating your opinion and not being so harsh about it too. It isn't like I have talked to him about it and said I want to have it without. I was in a pickle and just looking for some guidance...obviously I've never done this before. But as it seems... these girls on here like to bash.
Originally we had planned for March. Turns out he's a groomsman in a wedding in March so we moved it to november when we thought his brother would be back. But his brother said he didn't know exactly what date he'd be back so we haven't set a date yet. Or booked a venue.
While it's not freezing (I obviously was over exaggerating), it does get pretty cold. These past few weeks have been pretty cold. So while it's warmer right now, it isn't always. Just because It's Tucson, doesn't mean it's warm year round... a common misconception. But like you said... even moving it another 6 mos wont kill me... if anything it will give us more time to plan out all the details.
Thanks again.

Blueyed228 · December 2011

Unless you already have a dress or plan on getting one off the rack, many dresses take 6-9 months to come in. So there is that. Also, I dont know what its like where you live, but most venues here book up a year in advance. So do most vendors.

ZombieNates · December 2011

You're welcome!

tidetravel · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-bad-guy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bc0ca781-a5f2-41a3-9f96-165eb1a2a437Post:735d00ff-1f86-41c0-bf94-18113741a9ef">Re: I'm the bad guy</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah definitely. Looking at these rude posts have actually made me see that I'm looking too far into it. And I thank you for stating your opinion and not being so harsh about it too. It isn't like I have talked to him about it and said I want to have it without. I was in a pickle and just looking for some guidance...obviously I've never done this before. But as it seems... these girls on here like to bash. Originally we had planned for March. Turns out he's a groomsman in a wedding in March so we moved it to november when we thought his brother would be back. But his brother said he didn't know exactly what date he'd be back so we haven't set a date yet. Or booked a venue. While it's not freezing (I obviously was over exaggerating), it does get pretty cold. These past few weeks have been pretty cold. So while it's warmer right now, it isn't always. Just because It's Tucson, doesn't mean it's warm year round... a common misconception. But like you said... even moving it another 6 mos wont kill me... if anything it will give us more time to plan out all the details. Thanks again.
Posted by cfputney[/QUOTE]

::eyeroll::

Believe it or not, we don't just sit here waiting for some innocent soul to heckle. You had a stupid thought. We told you it was stupid. Simple.

ZombieNates · December 2011

Ha, this is what I picture whenever anyone calls the board rude.

SereJane · December 2011

As someone who did plan her wedding around her BIL's deployment, I can say it was the single best decision H and I made in planning our wedding. It was absolutely priceless for H to have his brother stand as his best man and I wouldn't change that for the world.

Yeah it was kind of challenging-we ended up moving our wedding date up after we had already ordered our invitations so we had to white out and change the date, among rushing other things-but it was an amazing way to start out my relationship with my BIL and my H really appreciated family coming before a 'perfect' day.

Also, as Blue alluded to, your FBIL is serving our country. That is no small act on his part and I think as family it is important to appreciate that service and plan around it whenever possible.

Good luck

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