Open marriage

betrothed123 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:770f2b6b-59dc-4d9f-ba3d-11a4dae27b21">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]You can commit to a long-term relationship without committing to sexual monogamy.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]
Eye to Eye, Celles.

I don't understand how removing one part of the typical marriage definition automatically negates the entire marriage in some people's eyes. Sexual monogamy is one aspect of a marriage, and a small aspect at that.

jasmineh7777 · August 2010

Celles, was it strange dating a married man? I ask because you know going in that you aren't going to end up married. I think I'd be very gaurded in that situation.

ohwhynot · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:f0748430-ecd7-4024-bd2a-a539b36ceaa9">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]Celles, was it strange dating a married man? I ask because you know going in that you aren't going to end up married. I think I'd be very gaurded in that situation.
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

Do you (or did you, I guess) see dating as only a pathway to marriage? I dated a lot of men with no desire on either part to get married. But then again, I was a bit of a hoor.

jasmineh7777 · August 2010

No, I didn't date with the intention of getting married. But if I was dating someone who was already committed, I don't think I'd want to like them too much. What if I did fall head over heels, and then knew nothing could come of it?

SarahPLiz · August 2010

I dated a married man for 6 years (1 of those unknowingly, the other 5 being promise d he was going to leave then going through his divorce, and finally dealing with the fact that he's a cheating bastard with no motivation to change). I guess it is different if you know they are married before you even start dating, because you don't form any sort of emotional attachment without that knowledge.

His wife and I were both monogamous, but he wasn't, so we both ended up with STDs. Fun.

Yeah, maybe its for other people, but I don't want to go through the "I'm not good enough for my mate" phase again in my life, ever. It was horrible for my self esteem.

ohwhynot · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:7a71f7e2-39dc-4b24-aa75-28bf3c3bcc4b">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]No, I didn't date with the intention of getting married. But if I was dating someone who was already committed, I don't think I'd want to like them too much. What if I did fall head over heels, and then knew nothing could come of it?
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

Ah, I see. I misinterpreted your post.

jasmineh7777 · August 2010

Btw, I'm not judging Celles at all. Just living vicariously

Lenore2010 · August 2010

There are a lot of relationship models out there. Swinging is one. Polyamory, which implied much more than sex and is practiced by married people as well as unmarried ones, is another. Monogamy is just one way of being.

I know a couple who has been married for 32 years and had two sons. They are most definitely committed to one another as life partners, but they have had other relationships and they have never been monogamous. For them, marriage is an agreement to be "primary" partners.

I was with a married couple for about a year. It was a very interesting and rewarding experience in many ways, but now I cannot imagine for myself anything but my monagomous marriage. Our connection to each other is too intense to have room or need for anyone else.

I think polyamory has issues, for sure even more so than plain ol' swinging but I can't say it is wrong for someone else.

526SadieSadie · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:03e2d552-d965-4246-8e18-1cef9234adb2">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]I dated a man for several months who was in an open marriage. It was definitely not for me: I'm far too jealous to share! That said, I'm fine with whatever happens between two (or more) consenting adults. If an open marriage works for them, then I won't judge them for it, nor will I assume that their marriage is meaningless or without a point.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

This made me think of something, if the "purpose" of dating is typically deciding if the other person is a compatible life mate, what does dating become if your partner is already married? Dating is fun but I'm just the kind of person who doesn't see the point in staying with someone if there's no future there.
(EDIT: Forgive me, I just saw the last few comments)

A friend of mine was dating a married couple. They were married and she was their girlfriend. They all shared a bed, meals, an apartment and they had a really interesting relationship to watch. But that all came to an end when the wife left the husband for my friend. They've been together for like four years now. The plural relationship worked for a time, but I can't imagine that it would have lasted long term.

betrothed123 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:23ea533a-bae3-48fc-996a-9638983e5d3c">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Open marriage : This made me think of something, if the "purpose" of dating is typically deciding if the other person is a compatible life mate, what does dating become if your partner is already married? Dating is fun but I'm just the kind of person who doesn't see the point in staying with someone if there's no future there. A friend of mine was dating a married couple. They were married and she was their girlfriend. They all shared a bed, meals, an apartment and they had a really interesting relationship to watch. But that all came to an end when the wife left the husband for my friend. They've been together for like four years now. The plural relationship worked for a time, but I can't imagine that it would have lasted long term.
Posted by 526SadieSadie[/QUOTE]

I disagree about that being the purpose of dating. If the purpose of dating is only to find a compatible mate, why do we date at all in our younger years (like high school aged)? I know that when I met my H and agreed to go out with him it was not so that I could find out if he would make a good husband. I was 17 and in it for a good time.

Lenore2010 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:23ea533a-bae3-48fc-996a-9638983e5d3c">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Open marriage : This made me think of something, if the "purpose" of dating is typically deciding if the other person is a compatible life mate, what does dating become if your partner is already married? Dating is fun but I'm just the kind of person who doesn't see the point in staying with someone if there's no future there. A friend of mine was dating a married couple. They were married and she was their girlfriend. They all shared a bed, meals, an apartment and they had a really interesting relationship to watch. But that all came to an end when the wife left the husband for my friend. They've been together for like four years now. The plural relationship worked for a time, but I can't imagine that it would have lasted long term.
Posted by 526SadieSadie[/QUOTE]

It is true that as many poly people as I have known, I have seen plenty of situations end just like that. Usually, though it is the umarried member of the poly-or plural if you prefer situation who is left holding the bag. My own poly situation ended because I decided I did not want to take it to the point of moving in, and they were seeking someone to do that. A far happier ending than a lot of these situations.

It could definitely be argued, though that most monogamous relations and many marriages do end eventually as well.

Celles · August 2010

Sorry! I exited the thread temporarily to do some (gasp) real work!

Jasmineh, it was actually a much messier situation than I initially represented it as. He wasn't entirely honest with me about his other relationship (by which I mean, he lied through his teeth! />.<). If I had known from the beginning that the woman he mentioned he was seeing "casually" was actually his common-law swinging wife, then I probably wouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place. The truth came out bit by bit, and by the time I realized I was being manipulated, I was already too emotionally invested in the relationship to exit gracefully. Since I was young and stupid, I bought his lies ("I loved you too much to risk telling you the truth!" /vomit), and gave the open relationship a try. It didn't work, obviously; there were jealousy issues all around, and in the end all three of us were equally miserable.

But to answer your actual question... I was only 20 at the time, and had no interest in marriage whatsoever. At that point in my life, I think I could have been happy with the relationship if it had been purely physical (and if he had been honest from the beginning), but the conflicting emotional entanglements made it impossible. Personally, I think I would be happier in a permanent threesome than I would be in an open marriage.

megk8oz · August 2010

Open marriages and threesomes are not for me, but as long as DH is on the same page with me on that, I really don't think I get much of a say in what everybody else does behind closed doors.

However, I think in the case of the original couple, I think they shouldn't have had the "forsaking all others" in the vows. Whether or not sex is a major part of marriages, "forsaking all others" kind of means just that, imo. Like PP, if it were in a church, I would have been waiting for the lightning bolt to strike one or both of them on that.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:34b57462-4ee1-4a51-ba1a-c2a4eeb5078c">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Open marriage : I disagree about that being the purpose of dating. If the purpose of dating is only to find a compatible mate, why do we date at all in our younger years (like high school aged)? I know that when I met my H and agreed to go out with him it was not so that I could find out if he would make a good husband. I was 17 and in it for a good time.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

I didn't. I was convinced that any guy I may have dated in high school would not be "the one," so I didn't waste my time with any of them. Not that I wanted to get married, but if I couldn't see a long-term relationship outside of school walls, then it wasn't worth it to me.

That's acually what convinced me to go out with H when he called for our first date (it was a blind date, all he had was my number). He said he was really interested in meeting me, but he wasn't interested in a casual relationship so if that's all I wanted then it wouldn't work.

526SadieSadie · August 2010

I should clarify:
I should have said "assuming" the purpose of dating is to find a life mate, it is of course not always the case. Wrong phrasing.

AudgiePodge · August 2010

Everyone's views on marriage are different. If those two share the view on open marriage found each other and can work it out, great. I'm happy for them.
People are going to have opinions on views that don't match their own. Not all have to be negative.

ricksang · August 2010

I don't care what other people but I don't think small children should have to witness it.

Celles · August 2010

Why is that, Ricksang? If two or more people are able to make an open or plural marriage work, then what harm is there in letting children see the day-to-day aspects of it? (Cooking together, sitting down for a family dinner, kissing mom goodnight when she goes out for her weekly date with "Uncle" Jake, etc.)

I'll admit I haven't thought this one through completely, so I'm not trying to argue with you; just curious about your reasoning. I mean, we all came down on Loop pretty hard when she said she didn't think children should be cared for by same-sex parents, so I guess I'm wondering what the difference is between that non-traditional family and this one.

ricksang · August 2010

Was the OP talking about plural marriage or open relationships? To me they are two different things, no? Do you really think bringing home a different woman or man every night is healthy for a young child to witness? It has to give them some warped sense of sexuality.

We have friends that swing. These couples are married. It usually ends up pretty messed up. Someone always gets hurt.

Celles · August 2010

The OP was talking about an open relationship, but the conversation evolved to include polyamory and plural marriages as well. I agree that a polyamorous relationship is different from swinging; it implies a certain degree of permanence in the relationship, and that's what I was responding to. I apologize if I misunderstood your comment.

For the record, I don't think couples in an open marriage should be extra-marital partners home and getting it on in front of the kidlets, either!

ricksang · August 2010

Oh I didn't read all the posts lol! I was in a hurry to catch up with other threads

Polyamory= okay

Bringing different asshome every night, in front of little ones= not okay

Open marriage

Re: Open marriage

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