selfishness on the part of a wedding guest

pooh8402 · February 2010

a friend of mine is complaining right now becuase a wedding she was invited to is at 4 pm on a Friday afternoon. she is wondering why the bride and groom don't have the wedding on a Saturday night. to which I said, "I'm sorry that the bride and groom didn't consult YOU about THEIR wedding plans to accommodate YOUR schedule. if you can't go, then decline the invite. you don't have to go."

geez. and ftr, she is not invited to my wedding either... she'd just complain about it being Memorial Day weekend and she can't go tubing or something.

shellydiane820 · February 2010

Lame.

JessAndTrav · February 2010

That is stupid that she's being a baby about it. But I will say that IMO, 4pm is early for a Friday wedding. You'd think that she'd do a later one. That way people can work, go home, change, then come to the wedding.

pooh8402 · February 2010

yea, I agreed with her that it was kinda lame on the part of the bride and groom. however, that doesn't really give the guest the right to bitch about it, especially as much as she does. she called the bride and groom selfish for not having it on a Saturday evening.

but this chick is anti-marriage anyway, so I take all marriage comments from her with a grain of salt.

sarah0725 · February 2010

I dunno, I think she can complain about whatever she wants. Don't we usually tell people who come here asking about Friday evenings that their guests will complain? This is just an example of somebody doing that.

therickson · February 2010

Little bit early in my opinion but my opinion really means jack in other peoples weddings!! If it was someone I would care about I would go... Someone I didn't really care about... I would keep working!

pooh8402 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_selfishness-part-of-wedding-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9233782a-7bdf-4264-b357-707763ffec7fPost:f0b19d9e-dd24-4423-b6c3-c239e2df7a5d">Re: selfishness on the part of a wedding guest</a>:
[QUOTE]I dunno, I think she can complain about whatever she wants. Don't we usually tell people who come here asking about Friday evenings that their guests will complain? This is just an example of somebody doing that.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]
I was not aware that the E board usually tells people this. and this is not advice that I would give.

sarah0725 · February 2010

If one holds a wedding at a time that isn't the most convenient for guests, one runs the risk that guests will be bothered by it, i.e. complain. I don't see why that's so surprising.

Would I go to a wedding for somebody I really like if it was at an inopportune time? Sure. Would I complain? Maybe. Probably not to the bridge and groom though. Humans vent.

SparrowSong · February 2010

My sister did her wedding on a Friday. Things started at 4:30, but they mixed it up to accommodate work schedules. It was cocktail hour from about 4:30 - 6ish. Dinner was around 6:30. At 7:30ish people moved outside for the sunset ceremony. And after that was drinks, more "appetizers"/snacks and cake, toasts etc.

It worked out really well. People were able to arrive when they could, and they didn't miss the best stuff. I'm sure a few people didn't find it the most convenient, but she had like 95% attendance so it obviously wasn't too big of a problem. And it saved like $7000 on an amazing venue space so... can't say there are any regrets from those of us who planned it.

I work Saturdays so I don't find Saturday weddings convenient myself. But I don't whine about it. Nothing will be perfect for everyone. Whining is dumb.

beatlesgirl25 · February 2010

Yes, this gets sticky because some issues might be seen as more complaint-worthy than others. Two friends of mine got married (to each other) last summer, on a Friday afternoon, 3 hours OOT, and didn't invite anyone's SOs until two weeks before the wedding once they'd had enough declines. A group of us went, but you can bet we complained about all of these things to each other. But we would never say anything to the B&G, and I can be understanding of some of their poor decisions more than others.

NuggetBrain · February 2010

We're having our wedding on a Friday. It was either that, or have it on a Saturday and get cheaper eats, limited booze and no cocktail hour. I would think that people would be happier that we wanted to make our wedding as enjoyable as possible for them, rather than b*tch about being asked to take an hour off of work.

pooh8402 · February 2010

this complaint was initially posted on the Aggie message board I also frequent. I aired my views publicly. as posted by a mutual friend of me and the person in question:

"I know we do and say lot of ****ty things here, but FYI cheer [aka ME} is to be feared and respected. " cheer is my screenname on the other board.

if the Ags on this board are familiar with it, it's fairly popular. apparently, according to this post, my time on the E board has done me some good.

I've already had to hear some bitching from people about having my wedding Memorial Day weekend. in fact, one of the most vocal bitchers initially is now the girl who is planning my b-party and tells me all the time how awesome of a party me and FI will be putting on and she will definitely be there. so if this girl who is bitching decides to show up (we have MANY mutual friends in common, and she'll know the details of the when and where just from casual conversations), I'm going to put on my big girl face and smile.

and if this post doesn't make sense, I apologize for the amount of alcohol in my system at this moment.

crfische · February 2010

Pooh, that really didn't make any sense.

That said, I had a Friday night wedding ON MEMORIAL WEEKEND, nonetheless. But the ceremony didn't start until later and the reception even later.

I'm sure some people complained, but we tried to do our best to accomodate our guests.

I didin't want a long engagement and if I wanted to wait until a Saturday was open for the venues I wanted, I would have had to go out at least 8 months, and that wasn't happenin'.

danieliza1127 · February 2010

I don't really see the big deal about her complaining. It's not like she complained to the bride, just to a friend in general. I would complain about a 4:00 Friday wedding too. It doesn't mean I wouldn't go, but I'd probably be annoyed at having to use vacation time to attend.

lyndausvi · February 2010

I really do not see the complaining to be an problem. The fact is a 4pm wedding will be inconvenient for a lot of guests. It still might be the best option available, but it does not change it could be inconvenient for people

betrothed123 · February 2010

I also don't see the problem with her complaining. That doesn't make her selfish IMO. If she were saying to the B&G "It's inconvenient for me so change it." I'd say she's being selfish, but she isn't doing that.

Lyss5782 · February 2010

There is a major difference between complaining to the bride and complaining to a friend! I know that Sat weddings are more expensive, but early Friday or OOT Sunday weddings are annoying. Doesnt mean I wont go, but I will probably whine a little to someone....

Leah&Christian09 · February 2010

I would complain about a 4:00 wedding on a Friday. If I could get the time away from work, I'd go, but I'd complain that they forced me to.

We went to a wedding this fall that was at 6 on Friday, about an hour out of town, meaning we had to leave at 4:30/5. Everyone complained and/or missed the ceremony.

NuggetBrain · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_selfishness-part-of-wedding-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9233782a-7bdf-4264-b357-707763ffec7fPost:55efd8ed-39f2-4ece-b204-9be91a6277c6">Re: selfishness on the part of a wedding guest</a>:
[QUOTE]I would complain about a 4:00 wedding on a Friday. If I could get the time away from work, I'd go, but I'd complain that they forced me to. We went to a wedding this fall that was at 6 on Friday, about an hour out of town, meaning we had to leave at 4:30/5. Everyone complained and/or missed the ceremony.
Posted by Leah&Christian09[/QUOTE]

Nobody forced you to do anything. I'm sorry, I just don't see why people are all freaked out at the idea of a Friday wedding. We could have had ours on a Saturday. And paid about 10k more for the same stuff we're getting now. The reception hall alone has a 6,500 minimum in food and nonalcoholic bevs on a Saturday, and no minimum at all on a Friday. So we chose to have it on a Friday and provider our guests with an open bar, better food, late night snacks, and a higher caliber of reception hall. I'm sorry if it bothers people that we're trying to throw a kick-ass party for our guests because, trust me, I would have been fine JOPing or DWing it and nobody would have been invited outside of immediate family.

betrothed123 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_selfishness-part-of-wedding-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9233782a-7bdf-4264-b357-707763ffec7fPost:fc2cd3c0-c31e-4d1d-bf67-f9a70d9f383a">Re: selfishness on the part of a wedding guest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: selfishness on the part of a wedding guest :I'm sorry, I just don't see why people are all freaked out at the idea of a Friday wedding. We could have had ours on a Saturday. And paid about 10k more for the same stuff we're getting now. The reception hall alone has a 6,500 minimum in food and nonalcoholic bevs on a Saturday, and no minimum at all on a Friday. So we chose to have it on a Friday and provider our guests with an open bar, better food, late night snacks, and a higher caliber of reception hall. I'm sorry if it bothers people that we're trying to throw a kick-ass party for our guests because, trust me, I would have been fine JOPing or DWing it and nobody would have been invited outside of immediate family.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

If you want to have a Friday wedding, that's your perogative, and I won't fault you for it. However, if you choose to have a Friday wedding that starts at 4:00, I don't think you can fault your guests for griping to other people about it. It is often inconvenient to the guests, so even if they choose to attend there is nothing wrong with being less than ecstatic about having to take some vacation time in order to attend.

MeaghanandMichael · February 2010

I usually notice that when people ask about Friday weddings we tell them to expect people not to show up for the ceremony or after the start of the reception. I am sure the "complain" thing has been used as well, but really, every single one of us had something about our weddings people could have complained about. I would be much more concerned about people not being able to be there to witness my vows (due to work/travel etc) than any one complaining.

NuggetBrain · February 2010

I don't want you at my wedding if you're going to be pissed off you had to take time and come. That probably sounds horrible and mean, but there it is. I don't mind you being kind of side-eye at the time on a Friday wedding, but if you're going to go and get pissed off and be mad that you had to take time off to come, then don't take time off and just come to the reception.

RogueQueen · February 2010

My wedding is at 4pm on a Friday. Complain all you want, you can decline to attend. Guess what i am still getting married and having a kick ass time whether you are there or not.

Also also not having children attend, so now you have to drive and take time off work and get a babysitter. Guess what? it's still not my problem, i will enjoy my wedding anyway.

Take no prisoners.

MeaghanandMichael · February 2010

Wow- I am always suprised when people could care less if guests make it to the ceremony or not. It really is the point of the day, now isn't it?

pooh8402 · February 2010

the point of the day is two people getting hitched. 2. plus the officiant makes 3. that's all the people necessary to have a wedding. having extra people there is merely a bonus.

NuggetBrain · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_selfishness-part-of-wedding-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9233782a-7bdf-4264-b357-707763ffec7fPost:a0460189-f3af-49c6-956f-35ee359f91a5">Re: selfishness on the part of a wedding guest</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow- I am always suprised when people could care less if guests make it to the ceremony or not. It really is the point of the day, now isn't it?
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

I don't care less if people can make it to my ceremony. I want them to be there. But I would be getting married regardless of the amount of people there to watch me get married. People get married every day without having a full blown ceremony. It's the most important part to me, because I'm the one getting married, but I don't need a bunch of people there to somehow make it more important.

I also want to be able to have a nice reception. And the amount of times we tell people not to have cash bars, not to do dollar dances, not to skimp on food to get a nicer dress, it's obvious that we also feel the reception should be pretty kick ass for the guests as well. And if I have to make a choice I'm going to want to have a kick ass reception. Which, for me, meant that I would have my wedding on a Friday. Like I said, I don't mind if you give it the side eye. But if you're going to come to my wedding pissed off and feeling "forced" to take time off of work, I'd really rather you just work a normal day and come to the reception. Because the people who are most important to me are going to be there regardless since I cleared the date with each and every one of them before booking it.

MeaghanandMichael · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_selfishness-part-of-wedding-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9233782a-7bdf-4264-b357-707763ffec7fPost:27eeab34-82d1-4a59-9c09-abee293530c2">Re: selfishness on the part of a wedding guest</a>:
[QUOTE]the point of the day is two people getting hitched. 2. plus the officiant makes 3. that's all the people necessary to have a wedding. having extra people there is merely a bonus.
Posted by pooh8402[/QUOTE]

I think you are being rather narrow in your perspective here. I think you would agree I am not a dummy who doesn't get what it takes to have a meaningful, legitimate wedding. Sure, all you really need is what I mentioned above. However, I think many people would concur that sharing these vows with family and friends as witness to your commitment is a genuine necessity. I am sure for many people it is not, but I don't think this concern of mine necessarily deserves the trite knot answer you gave above.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · February 2010

Like Nugget, my venue has a 10k minimum on Saturday, none any other day, so I chose a Sunday on a holiday weekend.

I guess it depends how she complains. One comment is totally understandable. Continuous whining is annoying in any circumstance. Plus, she doesn't appear to be good friends with Pooh, so it is possibly she was complaining to everyone she knew about this.

betrothed123 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_selfishness-part-of-wedding-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9233782a-7bdf-4264-b357-707763ffec7fPost:27eeab34-82d1-4a59-9c09-abee293530c2">Re: selfishness on the part of a wedding guest</a>:
[QUOTE]the point of the day is two people getting hitched. 2. plus the officiant makes 3. that's all the people necessary to have a wedding. having extra people there is merely a bonus.
Posted by pooh8402[/QUOTE]
But if you invite people to your ceremony, obviously you want them there to witness your vows. It may not be necessary to you being married at the end of the day, but to many people it's still important.

Nugget,

There's a long way between being ecstatic over something and being super pissed off about it. Even if it was my sister getting married, if she was doing so at 4:00, I'd be less than ecstatic about having to miss work if I wanted to attend her ceremony. I would still do it, still be very happy for her, and still enjoy my time at her wedding, but that doesn't mean I would be ecstatic over missing work to attend.

RogueQueen · February 2010

Hey Pooh,

Does this person who is complaining happen to live in California?

NuggetBrain · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_selfishness-part-of-wedding-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9233782a-7bdf-4264-b357-707763ffec7fPost:37a6951f-4597-4630-b3fc-b8e723268bf7">Re: selfishness on the part of a wedding guest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: selfishness on the part of a wedding guest : But if you invite people to your ceremony, obviously you want them there to witness your vows. It may not be necessary to you being married at the end of the day, but to many people it's still important. Nugget, There's a long way between being ecstatic over something and being super pissed off about it. Even if it was my sister getting married, if she was doing so at 4:00, I'd be less than ecstatic about having to miss work if I wanted to attend her ceremony. I would still do it, still be very happy for her, and still enjoy my time at her wedding, but that doesn't mean I would be ecstatic over missing work to attend.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

See I would consider that on the lines of giving it the side eye. Of course I don't expect everybody to be absolutely thrilled with the timing. Which is why I understand if some people can't make it until the reception, or might grumble about it a bit to themselves but still come. But if you were going around complaining to everybody or were going to show up there with a a grumpy face on because you had to leave work early and whatnot, I'd really rather you just come to the reception.

selfishness on the part of a wedding guest

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