difference between 'being married' and a 'wedding'

yazzie711 · August 2009

Kimberly, Let me speak to you from a miliitary wife standpoint. I had a courthouse wedding this past May. For my husband and I this was perfect for us. It was beyond intimite.. just the two of us. Him in his Dropkick Murphey t-shirt and me in a summer dress and sandels. It was perfectly us. We had also been together for 6 years. So I'd already been through 2 previous deployments and have PCS 2 times. We had also planned on a reception later on. We are choosing not to have a ceremony. Neither of us want to try to recreate that special moment we've already shared. He recently got orders for yet another deployment so I will be planning most of the reception. Trying to get a lot of ideas and brouchers now so he can be included. One thing though to think of... are people that are common law married (usally 7 years in most states) not cosidered married in your eyes because they did not have a wedding? There is more to a wedding than the ceremony and the reception. There is meaning to it. You don't need a lavish wedding to prove you are married. Simple. Intimate. Personal. Family. LOVE. That is what makes it all. People that also get married for TRICARE are a joke. You need to be able to support your self first and formost. What are you going to do when he leaves the military? Also, you can get on his bank accounts and credit cards without being married. I feel like you are making excuses for getting married. Mrs. Mac

mehgank · August 2009

Speaking from experience, I can see both sides of this issue. My ex-husband and I were stationed in Hawaii with the Coast guard and got engaged in June 2003 and were planning our wedding for June 2004. He got orders to leave in April 2004, so we had a small wedding in Hawaii with our friends. None of our family could be there. I was bummed because I didn't get the wedding I wanted, but I got over it and we had a reception after we moved back to the mainland in 2004. The entire time we were married, I always regretted not having the ceremony we were planning but had to forgo.We got divorced after some severe issues with his drinking, and I am happy to say that I am now engaged to a wonderful man in the Coast Guard. I live in Kodiak, AK and he lives in Miami, FL. We're planning our wedding for next Spring, however, for legal purposes and to get me orders to Miami, we're thinking we might have a small little courthouse ceremony in the Fall. Both our families are from the West Coast, so they're not coming out. I feel I owe it to myself and my fiance (this is his first marriage) and our families to have a big wedding with the dress and cake and flowers. I see nothing wrong with the way we're doing it, because it fits our situation and everyone is happy. I don't feel like I'm entitled to this or anything, but since this is our decision, I don't see why it matters to strangers what we do or don't do.

IfferMarie · August 2009

The actual wedding (white dress celebration etc) does NOT mean you are married. It is a SYMBOL, its for sentimental purposes. To be married, you have to sign a piece of paper. The actual wedding, which serves the couple and their families can happen whenever! Why are you all so negative? My husband and I got married right before he deployed. Not being his "legal" wife made me NOTHING in the military's eyes. Now that he is back we are having a wedding. White dress, church, reception all of it. Our family and friends and the churh know the situation and not one of them have a problem with it. It's not like we had a big wedding and are having another one just for kicks.

kavanaghe · January 2010

I know my fiance and I thought about JOPing for legal marriage and then inviting our family and friends to celebrate our receiving the Sacrament of Marriage at a later date. For us, there is a clear difference between legal marriage (which throughout history has been entered into for security and stability in the eyes of the state) and religious or spiritual marriage (which is a commitment of love you are making to one another, your family and your god, that no one can force you to maintain but yourselves). We still haven't decided what we're going to do yet, but I know I would like to be married in the Church (for us it's the Catholic one) and he would like to be legally married ASAP. In order to be able to get married in the Church, before we JOP we have to get dispensation from the Archdiocese AND we have to promise not to live together prior to the sacrament-- which happens to work out for us because we've been doing the long distance thing for a long time and will need to continue to do so for the next year or two.

I think an important thing is to be respectful of your parents, IF they are footing the bill. As long as they are okay with paying for wedding #2, with the full knowledge that it is wedding #2, then I think it is totally fine to have the wedding of your dreams, however long after JOPing. A commitment of this magnitude should be celebrated!

Also, if you are planning to use any sentimental pieces, like his grandfather's wedding band or something, it would be considerate to the people attached to those things to tell them that it's your "second wedding"--- and to allow them to refuse if they object to your choices. I know I would love to wear my grandmother's veil but if she would not approve of my avenue to wedded bliss, I think it would be wrong to use something so special of hers without her knowing to what she was actually contributing.

Good luck and good health to you and your future man!

difference between 'being married' and a 'wedding'

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