It's traditional for the Bridesmaids to throw the shower and get the bride a gift right?

PureGrace1982 · November 2010

I'm the MOH for my sister's wedding. She lives really far away but is having her wedding in her hometown. We are throwing her a shower but frankly I've been shocked by some of the other bridesmaids.

The shower gifts are being sent directly to the bride but not until after the wedding and we requested that the guests present their printout of the gift in a creative way so my sister can still have a shower. When one of the bridesmaids heard this she said "what are we going to do for 4 hours?" She then suggested we cut the shower down to an hour and a half or do a little something after the rehearsal dinner. I'm sorry but I'm not asking relatives to drive 3 hours for a shower that is that short and I think it is insulting to the bride when we are supposed to be honoring her.

Also we originally all agreed to chip in and get my sister the Dyson off of her registry and now suddenly none of them want to do that. One bridesmaid even said "well isn't the shower a gift?" Ever person that I have spoken to who has been a bridesmaid before said it is traditional for the bridesmaids to throw the shower AND buy the bride a gift.

Is this tradition or is this just a New York wedding thing?

I'm really embarrassed at these bridesmaids selfishness. My sister has been engaged for 3 years. It's not like they haven't had time to plan ahead. And we are doing everything possible to keep the cost of the shower down especially since we have so many close relatives.

LiaAli · November 2010

No I absolutely agree with you. Bridesmaids throw the shower, give a shower gift, throw the bachelorette party, and give a wedding gift. It all comes with the territory. And its really rude of them to want to shorten your sister's shower. They can't take that away from her!

oceana919 · November 2010

Are people bringing gifts that will be shipped/delivered to her later, or are they ordering them online and having them shipped directly? If it's the former, I don't see why guests need to bring print-outs of their gift.

If it's the latter, some stores (like BB&B) will give you cards when you make your purchase that basically say "(item) has been purchased for you by (giver's name) - best wishes and congratulations!" that you can wrap up in a box. People could also take pictures of what they are giving her and place it in a card - my mom brought my shower gift down to me a few weeks ago (lots of some sort of glass items), so I'll be opening a photograph of whatever is in the storage boxes at my out-of-state shower in January.

That being said...

1) Showers, e-parties, and bachelorette parties are not an obligatory part of a wedding. They are a gift given by whomever chooses to hostess the event.

2) While traditionally a shower is hosted by members of the bridal party, other people can assume the responsibility, such as aunts, cousins, female friends, etc. One of my showers is being thrown by my FMIL. So long as it's not being thrown by the bride herself, other people can help take responsibility for throwing the shower.

3) If you're invited to a shower and attend, you should give a gift - period. In what form, quantity and quality a guest chooses to give a gift is their perogative. You can't put a price tag on what the bridal party members have to contribute - they should be able to contribute what they can, based on their financial situation. If that means no Dyson, then so be it. You took on the responsiblity of throwing a shower for your sister - you can't force other people to help foot the bill.

4) I don't think I've ever been to a shower that lasted more than 2-2.5 hours. Four hours seems really long, and 1 hour seems pretty short. I would consider shortening it a little, but not that drastically.

5) A bridal shower is not simply opening gifts and going home. You have food and drinks to eat/drink, gifts to open, party games to play. Throw in a few party games and you will fill up the time easily. Just be sure to have party games that cover a wide range of ages - ie. your great aunt Susie might not be keen on the "things she'll say on her wedding night" game, but she'd probably enjoy a bridal party gift bingo card.

jjones3636 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_its-traditional-bridesmaids-throw-shower-bride-gift-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f66ceb5a-4d07-43a9-b634-d96ebfe21f52Post:f88f4e89-253e-4729-b4e8-bebc4719763a">It's traditional for the Bridesmaids to throw the shower and get the bride a gift right?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm the MOH for my sister's wedding. She lives really far away but is having her wedding in her hometown. We are throwing her a shower but frankly I've been shocked by some of the other bridesmaids. The shower gifts are being sent directly to the bride but not until after the wedding and we requested that the guests present their printout of the gift in a creative way so my sister can still have a shower. When one of the bridesmaids heard this she said "what are we going to do for 4 hours?" She then suggested we cut the shower down to an hour and a half or do a little something after the rehearsal dinner. I'm sorry but I'm not asking relatives to drive 3 hours for a shower that is that short and I think it is insulting to the bride when we are supposed to be honoring her. Also we originally all agreed to chip in and get my sister the Dyson off of her registry and now suddenly none of them want to do that. One bridesmaid even said "well isn't the shower a gift?" Ever person that I have spoken to who has been a bridesmaid before said it is traditional for the bridesmaids to throw the shower AND buy the bride a gift. Is this tradition or is this just a New York wedding thing? I'm really embarrassed at these bridesmaids selfishness. My sister has been engaged for 3 years. It's not like they haven't had time to plan ahead. And we are doing everything possible to keep the cost of the shower down especially since we have so many close relatives.
Posted by PureGrace1982[/QUOTE]

alyssalowe · November 2010

Some insight from a bride, I had my shower last weekend. I only have a MOH and one bridesmaid and if I required them to pay for a whole shower, a whole bachelorette party and a gift it would not only be small short party but it would be quite rude. You have to take into account others budgets! My MOH and bridesmaid assisted in the games portion (paying for the games and prizes) my mother and aunts assisted in the food portion (paying for or making the appetizers, food, and cake) and I used the decorations purchased for the wedding for the shower as well. I didnt expect a gift from anyone and if a bride does that is awfully selfish after they hosted a shower for her.

As for the bachelorette party we are going out with the guys and just going bar hopping, everyone is responsible for their own drinks and rides so that no one is paying for anyone else because as the bride (and an adult), if I want to attend something like that I fully understand I am paying my way and VERY okay with it.

Other brides may be different but this is just how I did it and it went over great and no one is broke because of it.

mgietler76 · November 2010

Bridesmaids are required to get a dress and show up clean and sober on the wedding day. That is all, anything extra is nice but certainly not required, this is not a NY thing obviously because I am also from NY. Pay for what you want to and can and if the other BM's cannot afford anything else or don't want to than that's perfectly fine.

AutumnFair · November 2010

In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_its-traditional-bridesmaids-throw-shower-bride-gift-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f66ceb5a-4d07-43a9-b634-d96ebfe21f52Post:5bb11b8f-c479-4bb2-8c35-86272a2e65c7">Re: It's traditional for the Bridesmaids to throw the shower and get the bride a gift right?</a>:
[QUOTE]No I absolutely agree with you. Bridesmaids throw the shower, give a shower gift, throw the bachelorette party, and give a wedding gift. It all comes with the territory. And its really rude of them to want to shorten your sister's shower. They can't take that away from her!
Posted by LiaAli[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm hoping your response is suppose to be sarcastic because that is a really selfish thing to think. </div><div>
</div><div>Sorry but the BM is right, the shower is a gift and if they are helping you host it then they can use it as a gift for the Bride. If they changed their minds about going in on a big gift you need to respect it because obviously it seems they are having money problems and it is wrong for you to harass or guilt trip them into going in if they don't want to. Most of the time BMs will get the Bride a gift along with hosting parties but no Bride should expect it. </div><div>
</div><div>As for having a shower a hour and a half, that seems pretty quick most showers are at least 2, just tell the BM that she doesn't have to stay all 4 hours. Just get what you need done and whatever extra time after eating, games, opening presents she can leave. </div><div>
</div><div>Once again, a bridesmaid is suppose to be picked because the person is very close to the bride, it should not be based off how much she will help the Bride, organize parties, or gifts. </div>

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

The entire point of a shower is to watch the bride open presents. Seriously, that's why the party exists. I would certainly decline to attend a shower where we were just looking at printouts of the gifts the bride would be getting later. It sounds like the most awkward party ever. My family is scattered all over the place, and so I didn't get a shower. Such is life. It's not required, your sister would be just as married without one.

Tradition =/= obligation. If these girls don't want to pitch in for the shower or get the bride an expensive gift for it in addition to the wedding gift they're probably already planning, that's entirely their right. Their finances are none of your business.

Snufflyfluffy · November 2010

I am not doing anything for my bridal shower or bachelorette party, my MOD's (I have a matron and a maid) are doing it all and footing the whole bill (or if I am paying for some they haven't mentioned it to me yet)

I am not one to tell my girls that they have to do it but they want to surprise me, so besides the date I know nothing about it.

MairePoppy · November 2010

ditto mgeitler
A shower IS gift and can be given by anyone. Bms are not required to throw or attend showers or buy shower gifts. You asked the bms if they wanted to chip in for an expesive gift and they have declined. Pressuring them would be rude. Let each bm decide if and what they want to give your sister as a gift.

I agree with you about NOT cutting the shower short. The family members who attend,will still want time to catch up with each other. If the bm wants to leave early, that's her decision.

There is no reason for you to be embarrassed about the bms' selfishness. They have done nothing wrong. You should check your own attitude, though. Pressuring people to spend their hard earned cash on a close relative comes off as looking greedy and tacky.

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_its-traditional-bridesmaids-throw-shower-bride-gift-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f66ceb5a-4d07-43a9-b634-d96ebfe21f52Post:f88f4e89-253e-4729-b4e8-bebc4719763a">It's traditional for the Bridesmaids to throw the shower and get the bride a gift right?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm the MOH for my sister's wedding. She lives really far away but is having her wedding in her hometown. We are throwing her a shower but frankly I've been shocked by some of the other bridesmaids. The shower gifts are being sent directly to the bride but not until after the wedding and we requested that the guests present their printout of the gift in a creative way so my sister can still have a shower. When one of the bridesmaids heard this she said "what are we going to do for 4 hours?" She then suggested we cut the shower down to an hour and a half or do a little something after the rehearsal dinner. I'm sorry but I'm not asking relatives to drive 3 hours for a shower that is that short and I think it is insulting to the bride when we are supposed to be honoring her. Also we originally all agreed to chip in and get my sister the Dyson off of her registry and now suddenly none of them want to do that. One bridesmaid even said "well isn't the shower a gift?" Ever person that I have spoken to who has been a bridesmaid before said it is traditional for the bridesmaids to throw the shower AND buy the bride a gift. Is this tradition or is this just a New York wedding thing? I'm really embarrassed at these bridesmaids selfishness. My sister has been engaged for 3 years. It's not like they haven't had time to plan ahead. And we are doing everything possible to keep the cost of the shower down especially since we have so many close relatives.
Posted by PureGrace1982[/QUOTE]

Several things:
-I'm from NY, and in my area its common that ther mother throws the shower, not the BMs, so there goes the theory that its a NY thing

-The BMs are right about the time thing. 4 hours is way too long for a shower, even if there are gifts being opened. I'm sure almost everyone has gone to a ridiculously long shower where you stared at the clock thinking "when is this going to end." I would plan it for about 2-2.5 hours max. And I probably wouldn't be driving 3 hours for a shower regadless if my gift was being mailed anyways.

-If the BMs are pitching in for a shower then it is their choice whether or not they still purchase a gift. I think its definitely too much to ask them to pay for the shower and chip in for a $500 vaccuum. I would say no too if I was them. Give up on the vaccuum idea. My mom threw my shower, and that was her gift to me. I would never expect her to get me a gift off of my registry after paying all that money for a fabuloius shower for me.

-It doesn't matter if your sister has been engaged for 3 years or 3 months. Her friends are not expected to open a savings account for her wedding to save up money to throw her parties and give expensive gifts.

AdeleDazeem · November 2010

uh... I'm with the bridesmaids on this one.

You want the guests to bring a prinout of the gift and not the actual gift? That's when I'd decline. The point of the party is to shower the bride with physical gifts, not silly pieces of paper. What *are* you planning to do for the entire party? If you want to host a luncheon, then call it that.

And, times are rough. Gifts are expensive. You can only control your own budget and not anyone else's.

Seriously, your shower sounds silly. It is up the bride to get gifts home after the shower. She's gotta plan on what to do. Many people have been in this boat and they figured it out or declined a shower.

marissa_claire · November 2010

Yeah, I'm with Joy on this one.

For one, I always always think it's silly when someone gets upset with a BM or parents or whoever because they can't afford such and such for the bride's sake. Things happen! Cars break down, bones get broken. These things can alter your budget and then they don't have money to buy the bride the top tier present on the registry. I don't think you should be upset about it.

And I had to do a long-distance bridal shower. Right now there is a mountain of presents in my parent's guest room at home. Did we figure out a way to get it back? Yeah, but that should be the bride's problem - not the guest's problem. I also think it's rude to ever ask guests to go through an extra trouble to make the bride's life easier. Shipping costs $$, and that's an expense that shouldn't be falling on the guests.

Lastly, I wouldn't want to travel three hours to see her tell everyone what she received. That defeats the point of the shower. That's not worth people's time.

AdeleDazeem · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_its-traditional-bridesmaids-throw-shower-bride-gift-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f66ceb5a-4d07-43a9-b634-d96ebfe21f52Post:60991cb1-f2c6-48d0-a31f-65dc086bd4ab">Re: It's traditional for the Bridesmaids to throw the shower and get the bride a gift right?</a>:
[QUOTE] Did we figure out a way to get it back? Yeah, but that should be the bride's problem - not the guest's problem. I also think it's rude to ever ask guests to go through an extra trouble to make the bride's life easier. Shipping costs $$, and that's an expense that shouldn't be falling on the guests. Lastly, I wouldn't want to travel three hours to see her tell everyone what she received. That defeats the point of the shower. That's not worth people's time.
Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

I'm easily angered today, it seems, but YES. I'm sorry your sister lives far from her family, but the onus is on HER to get the gifts home. Asking the guests to pay the shipping costs is unfair.

TheCranberry · November 2010

I think it's fine to give the guests the option of shipping their gifts but not require it. Some people prefer to buy it in the store rather than online or prefer to show up with a gift. If I'm buying from the registry I prefer to ship it and bring a card to the shower.

The showers I've attended have been around 3-4 hours, but they didn't have an actual end time. They just sort of ended on their own after the gift opening and mingling. If the BM wants to leave early she can; it's not a big deal. You can't dictate how much anyone spends on the shower or on a gift so I wouldn't press that.

Am I the only one who hates watching the gifts be opened? Unless they're lingerie or something fun, I prefer not to watch people open toasters and place settings. I feel the same way about baby showers. If it's a small number of people, fine, but for the larger showers it's torture!

LiaAli · November 2010

I wasn't being sarcastic at all actually. I've been in weddings, family and friends, and that's how we do things. As a bridesmaids in other weddings I have contributed money to pay for the shower, all the bridesmaids went in collectively on a gift, we all paid to get shirts made and for transportation for the bachelorette party and I gave a cash gift for the wedding gift. And thats the case for the people I know. But never once did I say I chose my bridesmaids based on the gifts they could get me and never once did I say that I would be angry or mad if they couldnt get me a gift. I was simply stating that thats what I think and have experienced myself.

PureGrace1982 · November 2010

Hey Everyone,

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I've never been a bridesmaid before and I've just been following the lead of what I've seen my cousin's and friend's do for the weddings they have been in.

Everyone that I had spoken to previously said that the bridesmaids throw the shower, go in together for a bridal shower gift, throw a chill (but nice) bachelorette and smile pretty for pictures.

I guess I don't want to see my sister get shortchanged in any way. I totally understand the cost of the wedding and all of the parties and gifts and stuff. We are doing everything we can to keep the cost low (especially with such a big family). Also what we have been spending is half of what most people told me I would end up spending on all the bridal shower stuff.

I feel like I'm not expecting anything of the bridesmaids that I think I wouldn't be expected to do for a wedding that isn't my sister's.

The four hour time length is more for the time we have the room than the actual length of the shower. There aren't any stores that exist both here and where my sister lives so she registered at a place there and we don't have to worry about shipping stuff to her other than wishing well stuff.

Again, thanks for the advice. It gives me good perspective. I just want the best for my sister's one and only wedding.

PureGrace1982 · November 2010

Also there are no shipping costs. She chose to have everything sent to her in one lump some for free. Also there is no tax on anything which is kind of cool.

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_its-traditional-bridesmaids-throw-shower-bride-gift-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f66ceb5a-4d07-43a9-b634-d96ebfe21f52Post:e9888168-7955-455b-98e4-f80b3678f091">Re: It's traditional for the Bridesmaids to throw the shower and get the bride a gift right?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey Everyone, I appreciate everyone's feedback. I've never been a bridesmaid before and I've just been following the lead of what I've seen my cousin's and friend's do for the weddings they have been in. Everyone that I had spoken to previously said that the bridesmaids throw the shower, go in together for a bridal shower gift, throw a chill (but nice) bachelorette and smile pretty for pictures. I guess I don't want to see my sister get shortchanged in any way. I totally understand the cost of the wedding and all of the parties and gifts and stuff. We are doing everything we can to keep the cost low (especially with such a big family). Also what we have been spending is half of what most people told me I would end up spending on all the bridal shower stuff. I feel like I'm not expecting anything of the bridesmaids that I think I wouldn't be expected to do for a wedding that isn't my sister's. The four hour time length is more for the time we have the room than the actual length of the shower. There aren't any stores that exist both here and where my sister lives so she registered at a place there and we don't have to worry about shipping stuff to her other than wishing well stuff. Again, thanks for the advice. It gives me good perspective. I just want the best for my sister's one and only wedding.
Posted by PureGrace1982[/QUOTE]

I'm glad you took all the responses so well. I have been in several weddings where I did a lot of those things you mentioned. But I would never expect anyone else to be okay with doing those things unless they said it. BMs aren't required to do anything other than get a dress and show up. If they do plan parties its out of the goodness of their heart and because they want to, not because they have to or are told to.

I've never been the one to throw a shower, its always been the mother in my circle. But we've also never gone in on a gift. Its not out of the question, but if thats what everyone agrees on, you need to agree on a price your're all willing to contribute, and then choose a gift accordingly. But its perfectly fine for each BM to get their own gift, or view the shower as their gift.

If you have the room for 4 hours, I would try and plan the events to last about 2.5-3 hours. If people choose to stay and socialize after for the last hour they can, but if not they can leave.

PureGrace1982 · November 2010

Thanks dnbeach. I really appreciate the perspective. I think because this is all new to me and my sister is really sensitive to these types of "she's the special one" things that there's an overwhelming amount of desire on my part to get it right.

My mom is contributing as if she were a bridesmaid. I think she would love to pay for the whole thing but she and my sister are paying for the entire wedding. They also are paying for a lot of things the groom's family might chip in for like the rehearsal dinner since they don't have those traditions where they are from and they are traveling so far for the wedding.

I think now I have a better idea of where people are coming from and other people's experiences with being a bridesmaid it will help me move forward with this process. Thanks ladies!

AutumnFair · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_its-traditional-bridesmaids-throw-shower-bride-gift-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f66ceb5a-4d07-43a9-b634-d96ebfe21f52Post:65a2c0ab-12ca-445a-aae7-19ada451b6ec">Re: It's traditional for the Bridesmaids to throw the shower and get the bride a gift right?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasn't being sarcastic at all actually. I've been in weddings, family and friends, and that's how we do things. As a bridesmaids in other weddings I have contributed money to pay for the shower, all the bridesmaids went in collectively on a gift, we all paid to get shirts made and for transportation for the bachelorette party and I gave a cash gift for the wedding gift. And thats the case for the people I know. But never once did I say I chose my bridesmaids based on the gifts they could get me and never once did I say that I would be angry or mad if they couldnt get me a gift. I was simply stating that thats what I think and have experienced myself.
Posted by LiaAli[/QUOTE]<div>
Yeah, and I have done the same thing for my friends but to go and say that it's required is wrong, it's NOT apart of the BM "territory". You do it because you CHOOSE to and you have the financial means to do so. Once again this stuff is NOT required of the BMs. As for the chipping in, I usually don't do that unless I am with my close friends so I have rarely done a "altogether" gift in WPs I have been in. Once again, not required.</div><div>
</div><div>OPing, I'm glad your seeing the perspective we are trying to provide you. Trust me, your sister isn't going to be "shorted" by any of her BMs, she chose all of you because she wants to<strong> honor <span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"><em>you</em></span></strong> and the rest of her friendships, not for you guys to throw huge parties or get her gifts. You are throwing the party because <em>you want </em>to and if the other BM is contributing and wants to use that as her gift than she has every right to do so. </div><div>
</div><div>Once upon a time I was a college student with not a lot of money and my friend ask me to be her BM, I help with her Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Party but when it came to the gift I was strapped for cash and had the idea of making her gift (which was a Welcome sign with their last names) they both loved it and have it hanging on their wall as you come in.</div>

frogurt814 · November 2010

My BMs each bought me a present themselves, they didn't go in on a gift together.

I understand you wanting your sister to have a shower, but with a lack of gifts being given at the shower, it seems kind of gift grabby. I know that's not at all what you are implying, but that's how I would feel as a guest.

Kristin789 · November 2010

Traditionally, the shower is thrown by the MOH, assisted by the BMs - and the shower IS the gift to the bride.

Only in the last two years have I been to showers where the MOH and BMs ALSO gifted the bride with ONE gift or with ONE gift from EACH of them.

Memorably, at the last shower I attended, the MOH and BMs all gave the bride gifts that were about $40-50 in value. Except one BM. She gave the bride a $400 stand mixer, because she wanted to be the MOH and she was showing the bride that SHE was a better friend than the one chosen to be MOH. Jeeeesh!

DavidandAmyClark · November 2010

I know you are having the gifts shipped as one large piece, but I had a friend who registered on Amazon only. I actually ordered the gift, had it shipped to MY house and then took it to the shower. She was suprised I did that. A lot of people had it shipped to the MOHs house (location of the shower) so it would be there.
I don't feel comfortable going to a shower empty handed, and I am not sure your guests are going to want to buy a gift that they are not physically bringing to a shower, or attend at all if they are not giving a gift.
What about having the lump of gifts shipped to the shower venue?? This could be unfeasable but just a thought.

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