Is it wrong to politely "uninvite" the entire bridal party?

janezebra · March 2010

I recently got engaged and decided to do a destination wedding. I was hoping to do a small ceremony with a MOH only. However, my family and friends convinced me to have a bridal party and I now have 6 bridesmaids...I asked everyone about 1-2 months ago, but no wedding items have been purchased. Everyone who made travel arrangements would have attended the wedding, even if they weren't in it.

So…..I now feel like I don't want a bridal party anymore. I have no desire to look for dresses and really just want my FH and I standing at the altar. Additionally, I have 2 other girlfriends who are very special to me, but I wouldn't have been able to include them because the party is already too large. With all these reservations, I really just want to return to my original desires of keeping it simple. Everyone who attends the ceremony will be special to us. Is it too late to change my mind? Is it wrong to change my mind and disinvite my bridal party participants?

Please help!

blackfire5th · March 2010

<div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';line-height:normal;font-size:medium;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wrong-politely-uninvite-entire-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcb4965-633d-4ece-8249-26bab61e4297Post:8b897f48-648e-460f-b67b-15081f90a3e2">Is it wrong to politely "uninvite" the entire bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I recently got engaged and decided to do a destination wedding. I was hoping to do a small ceremony with a MOH only. However, my family and friends convinced me to have a bridal party and I now have 6 bridesmaids...I asked everyone about 1-2 months ago, but no wedding items have been purchased. Everyone who made travel arrangements would have attended the wedding, even if they weren't in it. So…..I now feel like I don't want a bridal party anymore. I have no desire to look for dresses and really just want my FH and I standing at the altar. Additionally, I have 2 other girlfriends who are very special to me, but I wouldn't have been able to include them because the party is already too large. With all these reservations, I really just want to return to my original desires of keeping it simple. Everyone who attends the ceremony will be special to us. Is it too late to change my mind? Is it wrong to change my mind and disinvite my bridal party participants? Please help!
Posted by janezebra[/QUOTE]
</div></span></div><div>
</div>Short answer: It IS wrong to disinvite them<div>
</div><div>Long answer:</div><div>Removing someone from a wedding party is almost always a friendship ending move. I know you want to remove them for other reasons other than you don't get along anymore, but you will hurt some feelings. However, not all is lost! You can still have everything you want.</div><div>
</div><div>First, your WP should be all those that are close to you and that you couldn't imagine not having at your side for your wedding. If those other two girls are important, add them! There are no rules about WP size and WP do not have to be even. </div><div>
</div><div>You don't want to look for dresses? Great! Just give them some guidelines like a length, color, and designer. You can tell them all to just get a knee-length dress in a certain color or you could just ask them to wear what ever they would like (however be prepared for them to press you for specifics, if they do, just suggest the wedding colors).</div><div>
</div><div>Only want you and FI at the altar? This is easy as well! Just have some chairs for them to sit on in the front row. In a Catholic ceremony, usually only the MOH and best man come up for the vows and ring exchange while the rest of the WP remains seated.</div><div>
</div><div>In the end, it's a bummer that you changed your mind, but there is not a nice nor polite way to ask them to step down. You will hurt some feelings and you may lose some friendships. </div>

sarabear23 · March 2010

I think your friends might be a bit offended if you do this.
Good luck with the whole situation.

shoegal715 · March 2010

There is a big difference between removing one wedding party member and removing all of them.

If my good friend said she no longer wanted to have a wedding party at all, I would stand by her choice, be happy for her and not be upset at all. However, if I got "kicked out" or removed, yet she still had other bridesmaids, then I would be hurt and I doubt our friendship would recover.

I don't think many people would agree with me, but I think that if you have carefully thought about it, and you really just want it to be you and your fiance, then I doubt your wedding party would take issue with this.

Good luck.

beth_kay · March 2010

Maybe you should ask them how they would feel, They might be offended and they might want to end their friendship with you, but on the other hand how would you really know if you havn't asked them? Don't tell them that you ARE going to dis invite them, just explain to them your feelings and see what their responses are. If they would be offended you have to ask yourself, is it worth loosing 6 good friends so you can have a small wedding party?

blackfire5th · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wrong-politely-uninvite-entire-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcb4965-633d-4ece-8249-26bab61e4297Post:294114be-e904-47fb-88ae-a3373c22018f">Re: Is it wrong to politely "uninvite" the entire bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]There is a big difference between removing one wedding party member and removing all of them.
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]

<div>I read this part and understood you point, but then I started thinking about it and I don't see the difference at all. At one point you are telling your friend that they are so special to you that you want them to stand with you at your wedding and then you change your mind that they aren't important enough to stand at the wedding? </div><div>
</div><div>Having bm isn't about wanting or not wanting a WP, it's about having people with you that you want to honor. She may not want to honor them anymore, but it would hurt their feelings to be told that.</div><div>
</div><div>This is the same reason even wedding parties are not needed. You don't just pick X number of people because you want pretty pictures, you pick them because they are close to you and don't worry about the numbers.</div>

blackfire5th · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wrong-politely-uninvite-entire-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcb4965-633d-4ece-8249-26bab61e4297Post:8008b40c-3a7f-42e4-9f29-e25fb9d8cb86">Re: Is it wrong to politely "uninvite" the entire bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you should ask them how they would feel, They might be offended and they might want to end their friendship with you, but on the other hand how would you really know if you havn't asked them? Don't tell them that you ARE going to dis invite them, just explain to them your feelings and see what their responses are. If they would be offended you have to ask yourself, is it worth loosing 6 good friends so you can have a small wedding party?
Posted by beth_kay[/QUOTE]

<div>You can't ask this question though. No matter how you phrase it, your WP is going to know that the OP wants out. If they say they would be offended, then the OP doesn't ask them to step down, but they still know she was thinking it.</div><div>
</div><div>If they say they would not be offended, they might be saying that because they know that's what the OP wants. They could still be hurt by it.</div>

emilykathleen511 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wrong-politely-uninvite-entire-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcb4965-633d-4ece-8249-26bab61e4297Post:050966cb-770c-4a0f-b804-abb6b0689530">Re: Is it wrong to politely "uninvite" the entire bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it wrong to politely "uninvite" the entire bridal party? : You can't ask this question though. No matter how you phrase it, your WP is going to know that the OP wants out. If they say they would be offended, then the OP doesn't ask them to step down, but they still know she was thinking it. If they say they would not be offended, they might be saying that because they know that's what the OP wants. They could still be hurt by it.
Posted by blackfire5th[/QUOTE]
<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, if you don't want to pick out dresses, just ask them all to get a black dress of a certain length. Done and done. Or do as blackfire said and specify a designer, length, and color. That is what I am doing. Each of my girls are going to pick a long dress in the color lapis from David's Bridal. Also ditto blackfire in having the wedding party sit in the front row.</div><div>
</div><div>Don't hurt your friends by un-asking them. You asked them, now you have to live with it. Don't punish your friends by you changing your mind several times in a row.</div>

baystateapple · March 2010

Everything blackfire said here = perfect.

I have a bridal party and I've barely done anything in picking their outfits. I picked a color and a general length and said "No strapless on the altar or you'll need a wrap for the ceremony." The girls went out and picked their own dresses and had a blast doing it. I didn't even end up going with most of them (one asked me to). No stress whatsoever. Plus you get the added benefit of happy bridesmaids who are comfortable in dresses that they actually like.

trix1223 · March 2010

Yes, it's wrong, whether you do it "politely" or rudely.

If you don't want to go dress shopping, tell them to get a dress. They don't even have to be the same color. There are gorgeous bios on here with girls in dresses that are a variety of colors/styles. They were stunning.

Tell the girls to get a dress, and come to the wedding. Give them a bouquet to carry and you're done.

Here's a lesson to other brides. DON'T ask anyone until you're sure of your plans. You jumped the gun on asking, and now have to deal with the consequences. Good luck.

SarahPLiz · March 2010

Yes. You made your choice. Now you get to deal with it like an adult. Trix has some great suggestions on how to keep it low key.

mbcdefg · March 2010

I understand the point about there being a difference between nixing the whole bridal party versus booting out just one person ... but I also think there's a big risk here of upsetting or offending these friends. Even though it seems like this is nothing against them personally, they very well might take it that way.

If you didn't want a bridal party from the getgo, then you should've stood up for yourself and refused. But the decision was ultimately yours - nobody forced you into it. Lesson learned, stick to your guns next time.

I would personally just ask them to get any dress they want, maybe in a specific color scheme if you wish; get them some simple bouquets (or do something like handheld paper/silk fans if you don't want to do flowers); have them walk down the aisle and then sit in the audience instead of standing up with you guys. Quick, simple and easy.

AdeleDazeem · March 2010

How about a compromise?

You could suggest all the girls buy a black (or whatever) color dress or just wear a dress they have. The guys can wear whatever they have. Then, at the ceremony, have everyone walk down the aisle, but then sit in the front row of chairs. Your programs can list the honored friends as the wedding party.

This way, you still have a WP, no one has been removed or shamed, but it is still just you and your husband standing at the altar.

emilyinchile · March 2010

Where's aerin on this one? She has a big-ish WP, who she and her FI asked originally, and then their circumstances changed. They're now doing a DW and have like half of the guests IN the WP, which you might say is silly, but because they'd already asked and didn't want to hurt peoples' feelings, they stuck with it.

I agree there's a difference between kicking out one person and nixing the whole WP. I think the latter is less sucky, but it still kind of sucks. I would be excited to be a BM for a friend and would be bummed to be told that wasn't happening anymore. I also wouldn't really understand how having your friends walk down the aisle before you is suddenly SO AWFUL that you'd rather just cut us out entirely.

Give minimal dress guidelines and let them shop for dresses. If you want just you and your FI at the altar, reserve seats in the front row for the WP. That seems to give you what you want without the potential drama of cutting the WP.

saxy414 · March 2010

My first thought on reading the post title was just "....um, yes." After reading through the responses, that's still my answer, but all the other ladies gave great suggestions on how to keep it low-key and low-stress. I think that keeping your wedding party would be a lot better than potentially upsetting your friends and causing drama.

lalap69 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wrong-politely-uninvite-entire-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcb4965-633d-4ece-8249-26bab61e4297Post:f631a1f8-64f3-4f5b-a5d8-eba7b1de2c38">Re: Is it wrong to politely "uninvite" the entire bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]How about a compromise? You could suggest all the girls buy a black (or whatever) color dress or just wear a dress they have. The guys can wear whatever they have. Then, at the ceremony, have everyone walk down the aisle, but then sit in the front row of chairs. Your programs can list the honored friends as the wedding party. This way, you still have a WP, no one has been removed or shamed, but it is still just you and your husband standing at the altar.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
<strong>This.</strong> You don't offend your friends, don't dishonour anyone, and you still get to avoid the boring BM stuff you don't like and stand up alone with your FI. Everyone's happy.

stina93446 · March 2010

Everything blackfire said....please read it again!

banana468 · March 2010

[QUOTE]Cancelling an entire WP is not a friendship-ending move to me, and if a BM of mine saw it that way then it's her issue, because oviously she's unable to understand my point of view. If drama is caused over this, then that's kind of ridiculous. [/QUOTE]

So if she's offended it's HER issue because she's unable to understand. But it isn't YOUR issue as well because of your inability to understand HER point of view??

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wrong-politely-uninvite-entire-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcb4965-633d-4ece-8249-26bab61e4297Post:bd514070-7c5f-4591-a2f4-d50b25fb0168">Re: Is it wrong to politely "uninvite" the entire bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I dismissed to of my BM and they weren't offended. One was my friend from high school. I told her I didn't have anyone to walk down with her and if she minded to just come to the wedding instead of standing up there. She was fine with it because she doesn't know my family let alone his. The other one was my cousin. She couldn't afford anything to be in the WP so I simply asked her to step down because I couldn't afford to buy everything for her. She did and she didn't care. I think it all depends on your reason and how you ask them.
Posted by JenPhil6212[/QUOTE]

<div>I am continually shocked that people can be this horrible to their "friends" and not even feel bad for it. </div><div>
</div><div>You should be ashamed of yourself. You are not a nice person. </div>

trix1223 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wrong-politely-uninvite-entire-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcb4965-633d-4ece-8249-26bab61e4297Post:bd514070-7c5f-4591-a2f4-d50b25fb0168">Re: Is it wrong to politely "uninvite" the entire bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I dismissed to of my BM and they weren't offended. One was my friend from high school. I told her I didn't have anyone to walk down with her and if she minded to just come to the wedding instead of standing up there. She was fine with it because she doesn't know my family let alone his. The other one was my cousin. She couldn't afford anything to be in the WP so I simply asked her to step down because I couldn't afford to buy everything for her. She did and she didn't care. I think it all depends on your reason and how you ask them.
Posted by JenPhil6212[/QUOTE]

Yeah-they were "fine" to your face. Want to guess what they were saying after you left the room?

blackfire5th · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wrong-politely-uninvite-entire-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcb4965-633d-4ece-8249-26bab61e4297Post:bd514070-7c5f-4591-a2f4-d50b25fb0168">Re: Is it wrong to politely "uninvite" the entire bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I dismissed to of my BM and they weren't offended. One was my friend from high school. <strong>I told her I didn't have anyone to walk down with her</strong> and if she minded to just come to the wedding instead of standing up there. She was fine with it because she doesn't know my family let alone his. The other one was my cousin. She couldn't afford anything to be in the WP so I simply asked her to step down because I couldn't afford to buy everything for her. She did and she didn't care. I think it all depends on your reason and how you ask them.
Posted by JenPhil6212[/QUOTE]

<div>Are you f*ing serious! I'm surprised someone hasn't said this already, but dogs need to be walk, people don't. You removed someone (and I guarantee hurt feelings no matter what she said to your face) for a 5 second walk! Do you realize that 2 bm can walk with one gm? The gm will probably be thrilled about it. </div><div>
</div><div>I had 2 more bm then gm. You can see in the bio that it looks fine to have 3 people walking together.</div><div>
</div><div>Why did you even ask your cousin? If any of my bm could not have spent a single penny on my wedding, I would have been fine with that and let them wear whatever they wanted. The people are important, not the matching colors.</div>

shoegal715 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wrong-politely-uninvite-entire-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcb4965-633d-4ece-8249-26bab61e4297Post:bd514070-7c5f-4591-a2f4-d50b25fb0168">Re: Is it wrong to politely "uninvite" the entire bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I dismissed to of my BM and they weren't offended. One was my friend from high school. I told her I didn't have anyone to walk down with her and if she minded to just come to the wedding instead of standing up there. She was fine with it because she doesn't know my family let alone his. The other one was my cousin. She couldn't afford anything to be in the WP so I simply asked her to step down because I couldn't afford to buy everything for her. She did and she didn't care. I think it all depends on your reason and how you ask them.
Posted by JenPhil6212[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>OMG you're a bridezilla and a mean mean mean person. You're treating your "friends" like puppets.

</div>

emilyinchile · March 2010

Wow, JenPhil. Good priorities you've got there.

DH bought the suits for two of his GMs the week before our wedding when it became clear they couldn't afford them and couldn't find suits to borrow. One has already paid him back by taking over some of DH's work for free while we were gone, and the other might pay him back but might not. I understand that not everyone is in a position to do something similar (DH actually used money that was given to us as an early wedding gift and told me he did it for me because he knew it was important to me that the GMs have black suits), but I think most people could manage something like having your cousin borrow a black dress and buy a sash in your colors. And honestly, if we hadn't bought the suits, and they'd showed up with grey instead of black, it would not have ruined my day in the end.

banana468 · March 2010

PP, if you booted a BM because she didn't have a "pair" then that's just sad.

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