can I preplan

starryskies407 · April 2010

DELETING POST

my question has been answered.

zaneopal · April 2010

Yeah. You can forget about it until he actually asks you.

Planning a wedding before you're engaged is a 100% guarantee to get yourself labelled BSC here.

sapphirebaby926 · April 2010

Don't plan your wedding before you're engaged.

Ana_2985 · April 2010

I don't really have any ideas. Everything you mentioned seems like more than enough "planning" since you're not engaged. As you said, there's really no point doing much if you don't have a budget.

I'm curious though - what is the difference between being engaged and planning a wedding for 1 year (or more) and not being engaged and planning a wedding for a year (or more). I have a hard time understanding this.

sapphirebaby926 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-pre-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bb68e6ce-fe38-47de-ac06-42c66dc6136aPost:55d0d43f-6539-4cab-bda1-8427a4c4f8e3">Re: Can I *pre-plan*?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't really have any ideas. Everything you mentioned seems like more than enough "planning" since you're not engaged. As you said, there's really no point doing much if you don't have a budget. I'm curious though - what is the difference between being engaged and planning a wedding for 1 year (or more) and not being engaged and planning a wedding for a year (or more). I have a hard time understanding this.
Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]

Me too Ana. Planning weddings is what engaged people do.

Unless of course they do it for a living but then they aren't planning their own weddings

starryskies407 · April 2010

whats a BSC? (honest question...havent been able to pick up on all the lingo around here).

hmm...I realize my post could sound a bit like a crazy gf. for the record, weve had concrete convos about getting engaged/married, so Im not anticipating something out of reason or just taking on glimmer of hope and running with it.

And I guess, I didnt really actually mean planning as in calling places, making plans etc....more like thinking things through and coming up with ideas, etc. I should add to that if when we got engaged and I mentioned ideas to him and he didnt like them, I would totally scrap them and hear what he liked and start over.

sapphirebaby926 · April 2010

BSC - batsh!t crazy

mrs.rab · April 2010

No.

starryskies407 · April 2010

what is the difference between being engaged and planning a wedding for 1 year (or more) and not being engaged and planning a wedding for a year (or more). I have a hard time understanding this.

I dont think I understand this question....could you please clarify/ask it differently?

Im not sure where 1 yr is coming into play...otherwise I would clarify myself

Im takling about getting engaged this summer for a little over a 5-6-7 month engagement, pending when he actually asks [getting married Jan 2011]. As of right now, that is roughly 9 months away.
I was just thinking about thinking some things through in the next couple of months, not for another year.

Ana_2985 · April 2010

I think I get it! Wanting to plan a wedding but not wanting a long engagement really means "I want to plan my wedding but my boyfriend will not propose to me yet."

Sorry, but that's my opinion.

desertsun · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-pre-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bb68e6ce-fe38-47de-ac06-42c66dc6136aPost:5bdccab1-6329-43e6-901c-019ee1c7aee9">Can I *pre-plan*?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, Ive been lurking here for a while and posting comments now and then. My bf and I have talked about marriage a number of times, were looking at next Jan. (for a wedding date). Ive never been a fan of long engagements and have seen many people plan weddings in 6 months...so I didnt stress it, but mentioned in the 6 mon range would be good. That, however, puts us getting engaged late may, june (maybe, hopefully not-July). Im starting to think about the time frame and getting stressed about all there is to do (and excited!) Anyways, I want the proposal to be his thing and for him to do it when he wants-so talking to him about getting engaged earlier is not a route I want to go. I know I can handle wedding planning in 6 months, Im just a little anxiety prone :) Im also hoping that since January is less popular for weddings, we will have less trouble getting venue/vendors. ok...so actual question-What can I be doing now to be ready to hit the ground running once he proposes? my parents will most likely pay for it, but I dont know how much-so Im not sure on budget (though I can guarantee it wont be A TON and I will be looking for budget friendly ideas). While I have my ideal guest number in my head, I think we all know that ideal guest number and reality are rarely the same. Ive started thinking though colors/concept and pulling pics for some *inspiration boards* on another wedding website, but Im wondering if there is anything else I could do or begin looking into? I started to look at venues...but there are so many, and its hard to know what to focus on when I dont have a head count/budget-Id hate to spend hours researching options that arent even available to me! any ideas?
Posted by starryskies407[/QUOTE]

Because your budget will determine so much, I really wouldn't advise doing much pre-planning. You want to use the excitement of being engaged to power through all the planning, and if you've been planning for months ahead of time already...the novelty and appeal truly do fade. Six months is PLENTY of time.

The one thing I did that has been helpful is I started a spreadsheet for the guest list prior to being engaged. I gathered addresses over time which really made it less of a pain. Also, I used my rough head count to help determine budget and to pick a venue. Basically, your guest list will have the biggest impact on cost, so it's easier to hit the ground running if you have an idea of that early on in your planning process.

Some people have to worry about everyone their parents will want to invite.

My parents have been really understanding that one of my and my FI's big requests was to keep things small. That really helped prevent parents on either side adding lots of people my FI and I aren't close to.

So, yes, work on a preliminary guest list, but leave a lot of the other stuff until after you're engaged.

mrs.rab · April 2010

Good call Ana!!

sapphirebaby926 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-pre-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bb68e6ce-fe38-47de-ac06-42c66dc6136aPost:f4c23a07-269d-4feb-b0ee-7018e907539e">Re: Can I *pre-plan*?</a>:
[QUOTE]what is the difference between being engaged and planning a wedding for 1 year (or more) and not being engaged and planning a wedding for a year (or more). I have a hard time understanding this. I dont think I understand this question....could you please clarify/ask it differently? Im not sure where 1 yr is coming into play...otherwise I would clarify myself Im takling about getting engaged this summer for a little over a 5-6-7 month engagement, pending when he actually asks [getting married Jan 2011]. As of right now, that is roughly 9 months away. I was just thinking about thinking some things through in the next couple of months, not for another year.
Posted by starryskies407[/QUOTE]

Ana's talking about people who plan their wedding before getting engaged because they don't want a long engagement. If you're planning a wedding you are essentially engaged - the time between when you get engaged and your wedding day is when you plan a wedding.

noelle24 · April 2010

No... just....no.

There are a myriad of reasons why.

1) you have NO idea of budget. This is the #1 thing you need to figure out after you get engaged (also, hint: don't count on money from your parents... plan what you can afford on your own). You can't figure out budget right now, because you aren't engaged.

2) Your FI's opinion matters. All this "planning" won't matter because he'll veto things you never thought he'd care about. And then you'll still be planning in 6 months.

3) If you feel you need more than 6 months to plan, then why the hell aren't you a "fan of long engagements"? Do you need to tie him down quickly or something once he actually pops the question? Either plan the wedding you can afford in 6 months, or push the wedding back a few more months (March/April will still be cheap) once he actually proposes.

There are more reasons, but I'm getting stabbier by the second, so I'll stop here...

katanne9 · April 2010

Don't plan it until you are engaged and can make all the decisions together. You said it yourself, 6 months is plenty of time - especially in January. Don't rob yourself of this experience. Just enjoy your relationship and wait.

desertsun · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-pre-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bb68e6ce-fe38-47de-ac06-42c66dc6136aPost:063f614d-2ff2-4fa1-9750-c979f356dcdd">Re: Can I *pre-plan*?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I get it! Wanting to plan a wedding but not wanting a long engagement really means "I want to plan my wedding but my boyfriend will not propose to me yet." Sorry, but that's my opinion.
Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

But is there something wrong with being eager to marry your boyfriend? That in itself isn't WRONG.

The best way to handle it though is to talk with your BF and determine a timeline you are BOTH happy with.

NOT to waste your time and energy planning things that are most likely to change, anyway.

I maintain that a prelim guest list isn't a bad idea, though. It can be an outlet for some of your impatience, and it can be useful for NWR purposes. Mine is basically my address book now, and as a Google doc, I can access it practically anywhere. :)

starryskies407 · April 2010

thank you desertsun for the response.

ok.....i was confused because you were talking about years and I was talking about months, but i get what you meant.
For the record, I've never wanted a long engagement or worried about having a shorter one. HOWEVER, recently, we started talking more specifics and about rings and such and so I started wandering around wedding sites to get a feel for things, start dreaming, etc (I've never been the girl who knew what kind of wedding she wanted for years, so I had no idea). It seemed like every post was full of people who had been engaged and planning for over a year. It seemed like every planning timeline included all the major stuff having been done months before I would even begin. Therefore, at that point, RECENTLY, I started getting alittle freaked out and thinking maybe my original desire to have a shorter engagement wasn't so smart. However, at this point, since the engagement isn't that far away, I'm not going to go to my bf and tell him when to propose to me, just so i can feel better-the proposal is his deal, in his time. SO... I was just thinking that instead of starting day 1 of engagement from a completely blank slate, that I would at least have some ideas in my head a place to start from.
I think my use of planning probably wasn't the right word, its too concrete.

ugg....this is where I get annoyed with the internet...you have no context of who I am or what my tone is or anything....I think if you knew me, you wouldn't have jumped so quickly to a conclusion that Im crazy or B*tchy. However, i get that you don't know me, or my tone of voice, or any context and reading what I wrote on my own, I get how you could think that and come to that conclusion. So, because I don't want to potentially get into drama or get labeled a BSC around here, I'm going to delete my first post. Just doesn't seem worth it to keep it up. I may come back later and just delete the follow up posts as well.

sapphirebaby926 · April 2010

Well that would be pretty pointless since you've already been quoted

Ana_2985 · April 2010

Desert - of course I don't think there's anything wrong with being eager to marry your BF. The part about not wanting a long engagement but being eager to plan a wedding is what doesn't make sense.

OP- I said years because people commonly refer to engagements over 1 year as long.

And I still don't understand your aversion to long engagements. No one ever gives a reason.

sapphirebaby926 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-pre-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bb68e6ce-fe38-47de-ac06-42c66dc6136aPost:1685fa25-b9ae-4098-bf68-5a6a71cca631">Re: Can I *pre-plan*?</a>:
[QUOTE]thank you desertsun for the response. ok.....i was confused because you were talking about years and I was talking about months, but i get what you meant. For the record, I've never wanted a long engagement or worried about having a shorter one. HOWEVER, recently, we started talking more specifics and about rings and such and so I started wandering around wedding sites to get a feel for things, start dreaming, etc (I've never been the girl who knew what kind of wedding she wanted for years, so I had no idea). It seemed like every post was full of people who had been engaged and planning for over a year. It seemed like every planning timeline included all the major stuff having been done months before I would even begin. Therefore, at that point, RECENTLY, I started getting alittle freaked out and thinking maybe my original desire to have a shorter engagement wasn't so smart. However, at this point, since the engagement isn't that far away, I'm not going to go to my bf and tell him when to propose to me, just so i can feel better-the proposal is his deal, in his time. SO... I was just thinking that instead of starting day 1 of engagement from a completely blank slate, that I would at least have some ideas in my head a place to start from. I think my use of planning probably wasn't the right word, its too concrete. ugg....this is where I get annoyed with the internet...you have no context of who I am or what my tone is or anything....I think if you knew me, you wouldn't have jumped so quickly to a conclusion that Im crazy or B*tchy. However, i get that you don't know me, or my tone of voice, or any context and reading what I wrote on my own, I get how you could think that and come to that conclusion. So, because I don't want to potentially get into drama or get labeled a BSC around here, I'm going to delete my first post. Just doesn't seem worth it to keep it up. I may come back later and just delete the follow up posts as well.
Posted by starryskies407[/QUOTE]

JIC

Ana_2985 · April 2010

Good one. But just in case you're still reading:

Why is the proposal your BF's thing and on your BF's time? Shouldn't you be somewhat involved in decisions that have such an impact on your own life. I'm not suggesting you tell him when to propose but really...

noelle24 · April 2010

Deleting is bad. It makes you seem even more like a beebee who can't handle getting harsh advice. Also, you've been quoted, so it doesn't matter.

Seriously, despite my somewhat snarky response, you need to slow down a bit. Your FI will have opinions, and you'll never guess what they're about. So that color scheme you picked out in your head? That you've built a bunch of other ideas around? He'll think red is a dumb wedding color. Or, he'll dislike the venue you "picked" out.

Lots of women here have planned weddings in 6 months. And especially in January, you wont' have much competition for dates/vendors. Slow down and enjoy being at this point in your relationship.

noelle24 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-pre-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bb68e6ce-fe38-47de-ac06-42c66dc6136aPost:fd537c41-0681-4134-ac56-a49136690183">Re: Can I *pre-plan*?</a>:
[QUOTE]Desert - of course I don't think there's anything wrong with being eager to marry your BF. The part about not wanting a long engagement but being eager to plan a wedding is what doesn't make sense. OP- I said years because people commonly refer to engagements over 1 year as long. And I still don't understand your aversion to long engagements. No one ever gives a reason.
Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]
THIS. I've never heard a concrete reason why someone doesn't want a long engagement, especially when they feel the need to start planning early. You get all the stress of being engaged before you can actually ENJOY being engaged. Blech.

And OP, boo for deleting. What if other people had the same question as you? Oh wait, at least you were quoted.

starryskies407 · April 2010

thanks Katann, I think what I really needed was to be reassured that 6 months is plenty of time to plan.

Noelle
1-I know this and you are right. And while I feel I know my parents well enough to anticipate them being willing to help out and/or pay for the wedding, if they do not offer and that is not the case, then we will most definitely plan a wedding based on our own resources and what we can afford.
2-completely agree that he is involved with planning. By his own admission, he is not much of a design/decor person. However, if there were anything he was against or didn't like, I would be more than willing to compromise or scrap my idea(s) all together.
3-I didn't think I needed more than 6 mon until very recently-the info in the wedding industry started to make me feel behind. At this point, I think all I need/needed was reassurance that 6 months is enough time. I'm in grad school, so our options are jan. or next summer. I think I will be good with 6 months, just needed reassurance, which I've gotten from a couple of posts on here.

Ana-Im even more excited to marry my bf and begin our life together than I am to be planning a wedding

sorry about not responding to your question about long engagements. I'm not opposed to others who have long ones, just don't prefer it for me. First, my bf would prefer a shorter engagement as opposed to a long one. Also, We are both committed to waiting until we are married to have sex. For the record, NO, we are not simply wanting to get married so we can have sex. RATHER, we both approach relationships with an attitude of determining if this person is who we should marry. One goal for our relationship is to maintain purity throughout it. Since at this point, we know we want to get married, that just makes the temptation that much more difficult. Therefore, a shorter engagement (since we both want to marry each other and feel ready to get married-or at least as ready as you can be) makes sense for us. We are not engaged now because these are recent convos and he wants the proposal to be a surprise and on his terms...and I have no desire to dictate when/how that might happen. I realize this may not make sense to you, and thats ok. It makes sense to us though and its something we decided together.

hetshup · April 2010

I'm KUI and feeling pleasant today. Do not preplan, I thought things through before we got engaged, and got blown out of the water the second day we were engaged. You can however brainstorm. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want, but you should be prepared to change. And it seems you are. These are all good things, being excited is good, going places and getting preliminary contracts.... little creepy.

Ana-- I am thrilled I don't have a long engagement. I'm already sick of talking about my wedding. It's ok on here, b\c I always get at least one sassy answer, which I will occasionally need.

desertsun · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-pre-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bb68e6ce-fe38-47de-ac06-42c66dc6136aPost:fd537c41-0681-4134-ac56-a49136690183">Re: Can I *pre-plan*?</a>:
[QUOTE]Desert - of course I don't think there's anything wrong with being eager to marry your BF. The part about not wanting a long engagement but being eager to plan a wedding is what doesn't make sense. OP- I said years because people commonly refer to engagements over 1 year as long. And I still don't understand your aversion to long engagements. No one ever gives a reason.
Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]

I was pretty sure no one would disagree with me on it being okay to be eager for marriage. :)

I totally see where you are coming from, Ana and Noelle and others, and I agree that it's important to have the right priorities.

I do think though that unless you're used to TK message boards and are aware of the distinction a lot of regs make between weddings and marriage, it can be easy to use the two synonymously if you ARE at the right point in your relationship.

So while I completely agree that timing is something a couple should discuss and both feel comfortable with, I don't think the OP was particularly BSC. Just in need of some advice.

Starry, if you're still out there -- it's okay to talk to your BF about this. I'm sure he'd rather talk about it and potentially renegotiate the timeline than have you be all stressed out. Sharing your feelings isn't pressure. It's just honesty. And that is more important than anything in a relationship.

hcbrowne · April 2010

You don't need the approval of random strangers on a message board to make a life decision. Yes, they can give their opinion...but obviously their opinions are relatively baseless (as they are basing it on a minimal posting on a message board).

I have been reading this forum off and on this evening as I, myself, have started looking for ideas for my wedding and am not yet engaged. The idea that someone on this board would tell me basically what they have told you about my doing this is sincerely laughable to me. The reasons why you are in this predicament are really irrelevant, unless you choose to include them; which opens you up to judgement (which obviously is the SOLE purpose of this board).

It is very strange to me, that a board intened for women "not yet engaged" is pirated by mostly women who are engaged or married. No I don't care that this is "your" board, or that you don't like "newbies." It's a forum...on a wedding website...that is accessed by millions of people on a daily basis. There are no "rules," sans the ones the webmaster decides (I haven't seen these posted, but I am sure they exist; i.e. cuss words, last names, phone numbers, etc.).

Furthermore, who cares how long someone is engaged? Who cares if a person is never "formally" engaged and gets married. I know some would be chomping at the bit to this idea, but not every woman, every person will want to experience, life, tradition, family--in the same way that you percieve to be acceptable.

The only real reason any sane person would come onto this forum would be to solicit advice in planning a wedding; that is the intention of the website! You ladies have made women who have come here with this intention feel as if they definitely walked into the wrong room and its pretty petty and childish. If you enjoy each other and your "room" perhaps you should gather somewhere that is more suited to your company outside of a WEDDING PLANNING website.

I came onto this board with the intention of asking harmless questions about the process of planning, getting engaged, etc. and yet I realized this is some strange alternate reality where those questions are not welcome. How very, very strange.

get a life ladies.

Ana_2985 · April 2010

Starry - Thanks for answering. It still don't see how it makes sense, but thanks for trying to explain.

Hetshup - That's great that you are happy with a short engagement. But you said one reason you like it is because you're already tired of planning, so if you'd been engaged longer it might be worse. What I was trying to figure out is why someone who thinks they want to plan, doesn't want a long engagement. The two aren't the same to me. I just don't understand, if you are already planning a wedding, what's going to change once you are engaged? What is everyone avoiding?

Hcbrowne - I don't care how long someone is engaged. I don't think anyone said they did care either.

And now I'm over it.

noelle24 · April 2010

Pirates? That's a new one on me....

I call dibs on Captain Jack Sparrow!

Button5807 · April 2010

Damnit Noelle that's what I was going to call!

Alright, Captain Hook then?

Ana_2985 · April 2010

I really don't think pirates are a laughing matter. This is a wedding board. Get serious.

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