This is really sad, wwyd

lpstl · December 2009

A close friend of ours, L, lost her sister yesterday. She was only 28, no serious medical problems, but she was getting over bronchitis. She collapsed at her parents home yesterday and couldn't be revived. Everyone is devastated, she was the youngest child and this happened completely out of the blue.

L and her husband are driving down to her hometown where this happened right now. I asked her husband to send me the address so we can send flowers, I told L about half a dozen times to call me if she needed anything at all. I'm not sure if I should give her some space or call her to check up on her. I'm probably really overthinking this, but wwyd?

FutureMrsTR · December 2009

That sounds similar to the whole Britney Murphy thing. Anyway, I wouldn't call her every day, but definitely check back or send a card to let her know you're still thinking of her and there if she needs anything. She's probably in shock right now and from experience I know that making arrangements and whatnot keep you distracted in the first week or so, but she may need someone to talk to when it all sinks in later.

danieliza1127 · December 2009

Oh man, that is awful and sad and scary!

I would give them time to get down there and be with family, and then call her either tonight or tomorrow. If she doesn't want to talk or can't, she won't answer, and you can just leave her a message letting her know that you're thinking of/praying for her or however you want to say it.

laurenclaire1386 · December 2009

I would send the flowers and give her some space. I'm so sorry for your friend. I can't imagine losing my sibling.

sarahmk5 · December 2009

I'd definitely call again. If she doesn't want to talk, no harm done, but either way, she'll appreciate the gesture and know that you're there for her. What an awful thing to deal with.

T1+T2 · December 2009

Ugh - so many sad things lately! Can you call a local restaurant and send some food along with the flowers? I'm sure making dinner will be the last thing on the family's mind.

As far as your friend L goes, I'd give her a few (2-3) days to deal with the loss and handle all the arrangements, but then I would start reaching out again. She might be too sad to reach out, but it would really help her.

pinkpinot · December 2009

That's so sad. I can't even think about losing my sister, she is my best friend. If I put myself in your friend's situation, I don't think I would want to talk to any friends just yet. Just let her get home and be with her family for a little. Maybe reach out to her tomorrow? When is the funeral?

cmhershey · December 2009

Give her some time, try giving her a call in a few days once all the arrangement are made etc. Just let her know you will be there for her.

danieliza1127 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-really-sad-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aea6d221-94c5-470a-94cc-08f07cb4232bPost:f7d1aa34-665d-46c7-977d-a531befaa314">Re: This is really sad, wwyd</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you call a local restaurant and send some food along with the flowers?
Posted by T1+T2[/QUOTE]

Actually, that's a good idea. I know when my H's uncle passed away this summer I was really surprised how many people brought over or dropped off food at the family's house, and then I realized how brilliant that was because we did eat it all. There was always a group of people gathered and the last thing anyone wanted to do was cook.

lpstl · December 2009

Thanks everyone, I should know this stuff, it's just hard to make clear decisions about it when it hits so close to home. The services are tomorrow, I'm ordering flowers now. I can't even imagine what her family is going through, they were all looking forward to a big family christmas together, and now they're planning a funeral for christmas eve. It breaks my heart

.

BecW2be · December 2009

Oh this is so sad. I'm so sorry for your friend.

She'll definitely need you even more in a few days/weeks once the shock wears off and all arrangements are settled and over. That's the hardest time. Everyone is around you when it first happens, then people taper off. I think flowers now (and the food is a great idea, too) and then lots of calls and support later will be best.

So sad.

betrothed123 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-really-sad-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aea6d221-94c5-470a-94cc-08f07cb4232bPost:f7d1aa34-665d-46c7-977d-a531befaa314">Re: This is really sad, wwyd</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh - so many sad things lately! Can you call a local restaurant and send some food along with the flowers? I'm sure making dinner will be the last thing on the family's mind.
Posted by T1+T2[/QUOTE]
I also agree with this. When my grandfather died a lot of people brought us food. It was really nice because none of us wanted to cook at all. My grandmother still has a lot of it frozen. On the days she's feeling really down she'll pull something out of the freezer instead of cooking.

bbyckes · December 2009

This really makes me sad. I'm sorry for your friend's loss.

ac_in_dc · December 2009

I'm so sorry for your friend. Bec is right, there's a lot going on now, but in the coming weeks and months, your continued support is probably the most important. Do something small now and make sure you keep supporting her in the longer term.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

That is really sad. Did you know her sister? Would you be able to make it there for visiting hours or is it too far away? (When my friend's mother died I felt more comfortable going to visiting hours than the actual funeral - I knew both her parents, but I wasn't sure how big or small the funeral would be.)

If you can't do that, I'd definitely send something, and then call in a day or two. She probably really wants to be with family, and will have a lot of other people checking up on her too.

squirrly · December 2009

I also concur with the food suggestions. And, in a week or two, ask her if you can bring over dinner. Offer to let her talk about it. A lot of people don't want to 'burden' their friends with their grief, but they need some way to get it out.

You could also think about a care package. Tissues, something for puffy eyes, bath salts, etc.

Maybe find out if there's something that the sister always did for Christmas that now needs to be done by someone else.

Or, if there is anything they need for the funeral. I scanned pics and slides for a video slideshow for my grandfather's service, and did two big photoboards. Everyone really enjoyed seeing the happy moments in his life - especially my grandmother, who initially thought the idea was terribly stupid. I know you're tech savvy - maybe see if that's something they would appreciate?

lyndausvi · December 2009

I'm so sorry for your friend and her family. I can't even imagine losing my sister.

Everyone else had good ideas.

lpstl · December 2009

Thanks everyone, sorry for going MIA, had some phone calls I had to take.

I didn't know her sister, L lives in St. Louis but she's originally from a small town in Mississippi about 6 hours away. So, unfortunately we won't be able to go to the visitation. I know they'll have tons of food brought to them while they are in MS, her parents are active in the church and southerners think food will cure just about anything.

Bringing over dinner once she gets home sounds like a great idea though. I've texted with her husband a couple times today and he says she's holding up and doing better now that she's around family. I guess she couldn't sleep so they left town around 4am.

Thank you everyone for your advice, I'm sure she would appreciate the kind thoughts as well.

mandysmear · December 2009

This morning my sister flew out to Ontario for christmas with her BF. Last night when we said good bye we bawled. Well she bawled, I tried to keep it together.

Suddenly, I'm feeling not so blue about the situation.

I'm so sorry lpstl. That is awful. I know flowers are nice and the most convenient, especially through the hustle and bustle of xmas. But, she'll probably be getting a lot of them. I would stop by if I was you with some cookies and a nice big hug.

mandysmear · December 2009

And now I've read the threads and saw the thing about food.

saschaduran · December 2009

That is hearttbreaking. She is probably in shock or just doesn't want to talk to anyone Everyone grieves differently.

Bec said it best. Be there for her in the months to come...she will need it.

This is really sad, wwyd

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