Unsupportive Friend

ElinoreTurnipseed · January 2012

I just recently got engaged, and one of my girlfriends has been making some tactless comments to my face ever since we broke the news. Just little jabs at me beginning to plan for a wedding that's over a year away is ridiculous, or scoffing at my ideas. I've just been ignoring all of it, because it's pretty typical of her to try and drag down other people when they're happy and she's not.

Last night I found out from some mutual friends that she's been trashing our engagement behind our backs, saying that it's "unbelievably stupid" and "a joke." I know that she's just acting out because she's jealous and is upset that right now I'm getting a lot of attention, but it's still very hurtful (and yes, I know the comments she made weren't misconstrued by anyone, we're all very good friends and we have lots of experience dealing with her drama).

Do I confront her about the things she's said, or just ignore them? I typically take the high road and don't say anything, but this engagement and my marriage are very important to me, so I was wondering if this time I should finally say something. I plan to avoid discussing the wedding in front of her at all costs. It's just very sad for me because I consider her a close friend.

Thoughts?

And please, don't keep telling me that I'm "too sensitive," every single one of our close friends thinks I should read her the riot act, but that's just not how I am.

J&K10910 · January 2012

I think it's hilarious when someone makes a nasty comment and the first assumption is "she's just jealous."

Look, I wouldn't run around believing everything other people tell you, unless you know this to be pretty normal behavior for her (but in that case, you should have probably expected this). I would reach out to her (in a not wedding related way) and try to reconnect and see what's going on in her life. Maybe things are crappy for her right now and she could use a friend.

If you keep hearing that she's making comments, or she says something to your face, I would let her know that it hurts your feelings and ask what the deal is.

redheadfsu · January 2012

I would talk to her. Don't confront her, just go out to lunch one-on-one and talk like normal friends. Ask her how she is. And later on in the conversation, if it doesn't come up, tell her you want to make sure she is ok with you getting engaged. That she will still be an important friend in your life, even after you get married. That you just want to check in and make sure everything is ok between you.

Because, how do you know she is jealous? Maybe she has real concerns as a friend? Or maybe your other friends are making things up & she is really happy for you. Or many she was joking. Maybe she has something going on in her life you don't know about. Until to you talk, you don't know anything.

Avion22 · January 2012

Wow, no exclamation point. The nerve.

Seriously, I think the other posters have hit the nail on the head. Set some time aside to meet with her to catch up and just hang out as friends, without any talk of the wedding. Reach out to her.

Since you've only heard second-hand about the supposedly "nasty" things she's said about you, it's really only hearsay. I'd let that go (after all, you really don't know exactly what was said or how she said it, if she actually said anything at all). Be a friend to her -- maybe she has something else going on in her life and she needs a friend.

HuckSC · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_unsupportive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:cad28770-df59-434b-8aca-5c8d70038927Post:8f1a9388-6571-4dea-bcca-e7de04639a30">Re: Unsupportive Friend</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Wow, no exclamation point. The nerve.</strong> [/QUOTE]

Bwahaha

People don't really mean what they say unless they include an exclamation point. (sarcasm)

MyNameIsNot · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_unsupportive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:cad28770-df59-434b-8aca-5c8d70038927Post:8f1a9388-6571-4dea-bcca-e7de04639a30">Re: Unsupportive Friend</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, no exclamation point. The nerve.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>This. You are way too sensitive. </div><div>
</div><div>Oh, wait. You are way too sensitive!</div>

Grits8812 · January 2012

Honestly when I told a few close friends over text after it happened, a couple of them just sent back "congrats". No smiley faces, no exclimation points, nothing. That's just how they are. Once I actually saw them face to face, they were fine. It is just a text. You can never tell exactly how someone is saying something over text.

lindseyann410 · January 2012

Does she give reasons why she thinks it's a joke/stupid? Not saying her reason is necessarily valid, just wondering why she would say something like that.

FreeSpirit666 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_unsupportive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:cad28770-df59-434b-8aca-5c8d70038927Post:60f26ec3-1a74-4e89-a327-5c86e0d33e4f">Re: Unsupportive Friend</a>:
[QUOTE]I would talk to her. Don't confront her, just go out to lunch one-on-one and talk like normal friends. Ask her how she is. And later on in the conversation, if it doesn't come up, tell her you want to make sure she is ok with you getting engaged. That she will still be an important friend in your life, even after you get married. That you just want to check in and make sure everything is ok between you. Because, how do you know she is jealous? Maybe she has real concerns as a friend? Or maybe your other friends are making things up & she is really happy for you. Or many she was joking. Maybe she has something going on in her life you don't know about. Until to you talk, you don't know anything.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

This is good

ElinoreTurnipseed · January 2012

Well thank you to the few people who actually tried to be nice and give me advice.

I didn't want to get into the back story with this particular friend, but I'm not being too sensitive, I know exactly the tone and meaning of her comments (and I've seen the written ones verbatim), and she's been making them to my face. She has a history of acting out to get attention, and typically I take the high road because it's not worth it.

But an engagement/wedding is obviously very personal, so I was just wondering if this was the time when I actually should say something.

And no, I don't get bent out of shape everytime someone sends me an exclamationpoint-less text message.

Simply Fated · January 2012

If she's usually like this, then what's the big deal? You knew how she was going to be. Is she saying this to your face or behind your back? Your first post says it's behind your back, your second post says it's to your face. Is it both? If it's to your face why haven't you told her to stuff it, yet? As for the jealousy thing goes, let it go. So what if she's jealous?

ElinoreTurnipseed · January 2012

It's a bit of both. She'll say tactless things about the wedding to my face (I feel like that comes with the territory of being engaged, everyone puts in their two cents and sometimes it's not very polite), but evidently she trashed our engagement behind our backs as well.

I expect selfish and attention seeking behavior from her about certain things, but I guess I was just hoping that she could just be sincerely happy for me abou justt this one thing for a change.

I haven't told her to "shove it" because I hate confrontation, and I don't know how to go about addressing it in the most drama-free way possible. And you're right, if she's jealous, I don't really care. I just wish she would keep the jealousy to herself.

J&K10910 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_unsupportive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:cad28770-df59-434b-8aca-5c8d70038927Post:2425653a-d607-4f55-90f4-0da8810898ed">Re: Unsupportive Friend</a>:
[QUOTE]It's a bit of both. She'll say tactless things about the wedding to my face (I feel like that comes with the territory of being engaged, everyone puts in their two cents and sometimes it's not very polite), but evidently she trashed our engagement behind our backs as well. I expect selfish and attention seeking behavior from her about certain things, <strong>but I guess I was just hoping that she could just be sincerely happy for me abou justt this one thing for a change</strong>. I haven't told her to "shove it" because I hate confrontation, and I don't know how to go about addressing it in the most drama-free way possible. And you're right, if she's jealous, I don't really care. I just wish she would keep the jealousy to herself.
Posted by ElinoreTurnipseed[/QUOTE]

I don't know how to put this but very bluntly: stop expecting this out of ANYONE. Not the being happy for you part, but the acting differently from the norm. People are who they are, and if they normally act one way, they're not going to suddenly start singing a new song just because (insert whatever reason here). It sucks, and yes, it would be nice, but it just doesn't happen.

I can understand feeling uncomfortable saying something to her about it. I think how you proceed depends largely on this: Do you really WANT to be friends with someone so negative who clearly feels negatively about something you're incredibly happy about and is pretty important in your life (and it sounds like this is the norm, so in general)? I mean, it sucks to cut a friend out, especially if you have a lot of mutual friends, which it sounds like you do, but dude. Sometimes you have to purge the negative out of your life.

If you do want to remain friends, I'd work on the friendship in general. Talk, hang out, don't mention the wedding at all. If she does, change the subject and tell her you want to talk abotu what's going on in her life. See what's going on with her. You said she acts that way to get attention--has she been feeling neglected lately because of talk about your engagement and not feeling able to talk about stuff going on with her, maybe? Do you know about the things going on in her life? I think, if you want to remain friends, you need to take a hard look at what you might have done to contribute to the problem. And if you honestly can't find something you might have done, and you're doing everything right, then I think you should return to my above question of if you really want to remain friends with someone who can't reciprocate the friendship.

RamonaFlowers · January 2012

You said it's typical behavior for her to drag people down when they're happy and cause tons of drama by talking smack about all of her "friends", correct? And now that you're engaged, she's acting the way she normally does: by trying to drag you down while you're happy and talking smack about you, still correct?

So ... why on earth are you still "close friends" with somebody that's like this? Insanity is doing the same thing a thousand times and expecting different results-your friend is just being who she is. You getting engaged isn't a reason for her (Or anybody else in your life) to suddenly change their normal behavior.

pillsburyaj · January 2012

I would do exactly what you said and take the high road and ignore it. She sounds like a real Debbie Downer.

Bay21 · January 2012

I am in a very similar situation to you actually! I have a girl i've been friends with since middle school who was always the drama queen of the group and is now being completely unsupportive and a total negative nancy about me being engaged (even though I'm not getting married until 2014). Like you, she's said somethings to my face and I've heard somethings from other people.

Unfortunately, that's just how these girls are. It's hard to sit there in a group of girls and most are happy for you/want to hear plans and that one person is just talking down to you about it. Neither your friend nor mine is going to change who they are and how they act just because we're now engaged.

My best advice is to do as you've been doing; ignore it, let it go. If she's anything like my friend she is looking for a huge fight to bring everything back around to her. I would however, set a boundary mental for how far you'll let her comments to your face go. Don't fight her on what is said behind your back, but if she says something to your face that just is really awful (insulting your fiance etc etc) then I think you should step up and say calmly, "I'm sorry you feel that way but I would appreciate if you would not say such things. He's my fiance, I love him and I am going to marry him and I would like it if you would respect that even if you don't like it," or something like that. You could maybe reach out to your other better friends and see if they couldn't say something to her about her nasty comments, I'm sure they'll have your back

Good luck to you!

zitiqueen · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_unsupportive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:cad28770-df59-434b-8aca-5c8d70038927Post:2425653a-d607-4f55-90f4-0da8810898ed">Re: Unsupportive Friend</a>:
[QUOTE]It's a bit of both. She'll say tactless things about the wedding to my face (I feel like that comes with the territory of being engaged, everyone puts in their two cents and sometimes it's not very polite), but evidently she trashed our engagement behind our backs as well. <strong> I expect selfish and attention seeking behavior from her about certain things, but I guess I was just hoping that she could just be sincerely happy for me abou justt this one thing for a change.</strong> I haven't told her to "shove it" because I hate confrontation, and I don't know how to go about addressing it in the most drama-free way possible. And you're right, if she's jealous, I don't really care. I just wish she would keep the jealousy to herself.
Posted by ElinoreTurnipseed[/QUOTE]

Ask her to be your MOH. She'll definitely change her entire personality then!!!

LizziebeeUT · January 2012

I think true and honest "jealousy" is actually a pretty rare thing. Most of the time when I see people act like this its because they are unhappy in their lives and its hard for them to see other people happy. It may seem like jealousy, but its very different.

If you care about her, and her happiness, and want to keep her as a friend, try to find out what may be wrong. She could have severe depression that you're unaware of. If she's suffering, its hard enough, but then to see people so happy and going on and on about their weddings, it can make things even harder.

Of course this is all speculation, she could just be a royal biitch. But you have to take the initiative to find out.

You also need to make a decision. Either you care about her, and want to make things right between you two, or her attitude is too much to handle, and you need to cut out the negativity. Either way, the current relationship obviously isn't working.

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