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Seriously hurt sister.

xxx23xxxxxx23xxx
in Moms and Maids
My brother and I have been very close siblings since we were children.  He will be getting married in a little over a year.  I recently discovered that I would not be included in the wedding party and am deeply hurt by this.  His fiance and I get along perfectly fine and have had no issues in the past.  I realize that this is their wedding and they have the right to make the decisions on how things should go, however I know that when I get married my brother will be the one person I know for sure that will be a groomsmen.  As his only sister/sibling am I wrong to be offended and hurt by their decision?
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Re: Seriously hurt sister.

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    kaitlyn&henrykaitlyn&henry member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Feelings are never wrong...what is wrong or right is how you express them.

    In this case I am not sure I would say anything. Your brother's FI chose her nearest and dearest, and it isnt a slam against how she feels about you but MANY posts on this board are of brides expressing how they regret asking a BM because she had to out of formality...etc. (not to say you would be a problem to her or anything like that).

    BM's are really those closest to the bride...if youre close to your brother and he wants you as an attendant, he can have you stand on his side. BUT only if he asks...because if you say something to one of them it will reflect poorly on you.

    It is a tough thing to go through, and Im sorry your feelings are hurt. I hope what i said helps you through :)

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    redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Getting along is not the same as being close. Your bridal party shoudl be your nearest and dearest,  not those you feel obligated to ask because they are related. Does your brother know its ok for you to stand on his side? That is a fairly new thing as far as weddings go and many guys are clueless about wedding stuff. I dont think you should approach either of them about or ask to be in the wedding party. However you could find ways to make it known that mixed gender GM are acceptable. Invite them over to watch Made of Honor with Patrick Dempsey. lol :)
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    quiggels219quiggels219
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    edited December 2011
    I totally understand how you feel - my brother got married 2 years ago and at first his wife said she didn't want me to be a bm because she didn't really know me (I only heard this because he confided in our mom). I will say my mom stepped in, maybe she shouldn't have, and I ended up being a bm. Maybe my sil complained about it at first but by the end she was thanking me for being so helpful and understanding of the other issues surrounding the wedding and the other bm drama, of which I was not a part! It brought us closer - I don't know if we'd be close now if she hadn't asked me then(well really my brother asked me) I'm not saying get your mom involved but I think if you're hurt you should kindly, calmly, and privately bring something up to your brother. I'm always for being honest in close relationships that matter to you. You don't want it to continue to bother you, maybe become an issue later - I think that would be worse. Maybe he'll explain to you his fi reasoning and tell you hecwas hoping you'd do some other important job - maybe he's a boy and isn't really paying attention to the wedding plans, maybe he has no idea it would bother you! I know people won't agree with me but it's what I'd do - calmly talk honestly with my brother about the issue and go from there. I will say I asked my fsil to be a bm - we don't get along well - we both know that and she's not super involved at all in the regular bm things but she's there b/c she's family and will be my family too - that was just my take on it.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    lbarr088lbarr088
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_seriously-hurt-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a52e9073-39c0-4f82-8859-31e8eda46817Post:da95f84c-1cc3-4bb7-a308-9771f4395f1a">Re: Seriously hurt sister.</a>:
    [QUOTE]. You also say:  I know that when I get married my brother will be the one person I know for sure that will be a groomsmen.<strong> Please do not put your fiance into that position.</strong> It's really not your decision.  You pick your side, he picks his.  Have your brother stand on YOUR side if you want him in the wedding. Let it go.  You'll still be there to enjoy the party, and won't  have to shell out for a dress you'll probably never wear again.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.  It should be nearest and dearest, and what if FI doesn't think brother makes the list?  That doesn't mean he doesn't like or respect him, just that he'd rather have people he's closer with standing with him.  This is the same for your situation.  But trust me, no one should put that pressure on their FI.  My FI has 3 sisters... imagine that kind of pressure!</div>
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    tldhtldh member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_seriously-hurt-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a52e9073-39c0-4f82-8859-31e8eda46817Post:6102c9cd-47c9-44c7-a13f-edf3377a0f1b">Seriously hurt sister.</a>:
    [QUOTE]My brother and I have been very close siblings since we were children.  He will be getting married in a little over a year.  I recently discovered that I would not be included in the wedding party and am deeply hurt by this.  His fiance and I get along perfectly fine and have had no issues in the past.  I realize that this is their wedding and they have the right to make the decisions on how things should go, however I know that when I get married my brother will be the one person I know for sure that will be a groomsmen.  As his only sister/sibling am I wrong to be offended and hurt by their decision?
    Posted by xxx23xxx[/QUOTE]

    OP, I know how you feel.  I was the only sibling who was not a member of the WP in my youngest brothers wedding.  I was a guest who watched friends do readings and give toasts.  It hurt like hell and still hurts.

    That said, you have to let this go.  Your FSIL picks her side and your brother picks his side (and the same will go for you and your FI when you marry so plan on your brother being on your side of the aisle).
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_seriously-hurt-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a52e9073-39c0-4f82-8859-31e8eda46817Post:1bcb1cc9-55ed-418c-8518-09ee318aed9c">Re: Seriously hurt sister.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Seriously hurt sister. :  Your FSIL picks her side and your brother picks his side (and the same will go for you and your FI when you marry so plan on your brother being on your side of the aisle).
    Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

    I was just coming here to say this.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you feel hurt by this but why do you feel that you should be included in the wedding party?  Your FSIL is not required to have you in her bridal party, just because you are the grooms sister, if she does not want to.  Her bridal party is her choice and her choice alone...same goes for your brother.  And when you get married the same goes for you and your FI.  Your FI will have every right to not ask your brother to stand on his side.  You are more then welcomed to ask your brother to stand on your side (co-ed bridal parties are perfectly fine) but you cannot pressure or tell your FI that he must have him in his party.

    You just need to get over the fact that you weren't asked and just enjoy the wedding celebrations.

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    NicnJen01NicnJen01 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i understand, i haven't been asked and am starting to think i'm not going to be asked to be in my bro's wedding next sept.  (they're both in mine in april) it stinks, as she tells me ideas and who's in the WP and she's not even telling them (she's afraid that they'll steal her ideas as they're getting married before her)  It hurts because in a way it feels that the love/respect/siblinghood is not as important.
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    Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Don't say anything to your mom or your brother.  As PPs have said the bride gets to pick her nearest and dearest and the groom picks his.  If you're not in the wedding it means HE didn't pick you.  Which sucks, but it is what it is; and it's not the bride's fault

    A good friend of mine got married a year ago; when they were talking about bridal parties she asked the groom if he wanted his sister (who she'd only met once) to stand up, he said it wasn't important to him.  So she just asked her two sisters.  Then her SIL threw a fit and SIL and MIL ganged up on the bride (who mind you had offered to have her, but groom said no) and they gave her so much shiit about it that she finally asked SIL to be in it.  SIL was a total mess through the whole process from dress selection to being WASTED at the b-party (she fell off her chair multiple times and groom finally had to come get her)  They have an awful relationship today and I honestly believe it's at least in part due to the fact that they were trying to force a friendship that wasn't there.  Don't be that girl, don't force her.  Just be happy for your brother.

    image

     

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    quiggels219quiggels219
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't think it puts your brother in a bad position to be honest with him you're hurt - I think it's weird people wouldn't talk to their family about issues in their relationship. It's their relationship. My family are my best friends - and if you can't be honest with them that's really really really sad in my opinion. Throw a fit? No get drunk and fall off your chair? No confront his fi? No but talk to him - I almost think it's important to talk to him, especially if you're really close. If he says she has a ton of close friends and 87 sisters ok great move on - but I don't think hiding your feelings from someone you love and care about is a good idea. Again, no one agrees with me - but I'll say the one fight I cam ever in my life remember having with my brother or sister was when I or they hid feelings from me and it eventually blew up.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    LauraChristinLauraChristin member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I understand that you are hurt because you want to be involved in your brother's wedding in a larger capacity than you have been asked. I think your hurt might also come from a misunderstanding of how they most likely chose their bridal party. I can't speak for them, obviously, but my fiance and I had no discussion about our bridal party members we had chosen other than to tell each other who we had decided on. Our sides were uneven, too which is normal. I am very close to my brother but my husband was not BFF with him. It wouldn't have made sense for my brother to be one of his groomsmen. The way you worded your question made it sound like you get along fine with the bride but are not friends with her outside of your family relationship. So it does not seem odd to me that you were not asked to be a bridesmaid. 

    Weddings are stressful for the couple to plan. Please don't make it harder on them by asking to be included. You love your brother. Be there and supportive of him and her on their wedding day. You will be remembered for having a great attitude and how supportive you are of them. That's what it's about anyway.
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