$$$ vs. Gifts

jennaval · January 2012

My FI and I already have a house together, so we have a lot of the necessities. It's great and all picking out fun things at Macy's and BB&B, but all I keep thinking is we could *really* use straight cash - not just more STUFF! I figure if we don't have a registry at all, guests would be more likely to give money. Is this a good idea? It would be great to just have a (good) website where guests can give money instead of buy gifts, but does this exist? If even if it does exist, is it rude?

sexilex · January 2012

I was going through the same thing... all the mags say it IS rude to just ask for cash. I also read that some "old school" minded people prefer to get you something for your home, so it is important to have that option for them. We were actually looking for money for our honeymoon, and so I set up a honeymoon registry. It is slightly deceitful, because the "gifts" they bnuy us, just come to us as straight cash through a paypal account, but it was a classy way to get cash gifts... i feel.

if a honeymoon registry is not an option for you... the site I used is called "honeyfund" and they have an "anything registry" option, where I am assuming ou can receive the cash in the same way. Try it out!

Also, the mags say that you can have close friends and family spread the word through "word of mouth" that you prefer cash.

Good luck.

ElisabethJoanne · January 2012

If you want cash instead of tangible gifts, set up a small registry for the old-schoolers, and spread by word of mouth that "they have everything they need, but they're saving for [a new dining set/ a downpayment / pay off student loans, etc]"

DO NOT set up a honeymoon registry or a way to give money online. All such sites charge very high transaction fees. Your guests can send a check or put benjamins in a card.

jagore08 · January 2012

It's rude to have a cash registry. If you truly don't need anything (small kitchen appliances, upgrades...) then don't have a registry at all. People have been putting cash and checks into envelopes for years, no need to make a registry for it.

LeiselEB · January 2012

People know that you will like cash! Have a small registry, and you'll get cash from others.

rebeccaa12 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_vs-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:a3540ff7-798d-4c1d-978b-79026251e4bbPost:aeb64583-09f2-4f35-a9ce-1d857e358758">$$$ vs. Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I already have a house together, so we have a lot of the necessities. It's great and all picking out fun things at Macy's and BB&B, but all I keep thinking is we could *really* use straight cash - not just more STUFF! I<strong> figure if we don't have a registry at all, guests would be more likely to give money. Is this a good idea?</strong> It would be great to just have a (good) website where guests can give money instead of buy gifts, but does this exist? <strong>If even if it does exist, is it rude?
</strong>Posted by jennaval[/QUOTE]

The first part-You figured right. Although I'd probably put a few necessities (since you said you have a lot, and not all), for those who would like to contribute something tangible.

The second part- such a site exists, and many find it rude. If I came across it from a friend (assuming I was unsuccessful in talking her out of it), then I'd just give her a card with cash. Some people find it offensive to a higher degree. Because it is so divided, I'd just do what I mentioned in the first part. Good luck!

MyNameIsNot · January 2012

Yes, cash registries (including honeymoon registries) are rude.

Some guests prefer to give traditional gifts, but many will give cash. Do a small registry with some things you could actually use, and leave it at that. When people ask, say "we have a small registry at Macy's, but we're really saving for a honeymoon/kitchen/whatever." People who are comfortable giving money will write you a check. Those that aren't will go to Macy's.

amymaysa · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_vs-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:a3540ff7-798d-4c1d-978b-79026251e4bbPost:47f9e666-1132-42b2-9cd5-a1b1f50c3319">Re: $$$ vs. Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]I was going through the same thing... all the mags say it IS rude to just ask for cash. I also read that some "old school" minded people prefer to get you something for your home, so it is important to have that option for them. We were actually looking for money for our honeymoon, and so I set up a honeymoon registry.<strong> It is slightly deceitful, because the "gifts" they bnuy us, just come to us as straight cash through a paypal account, but it was a classy way to get cash gifts...</strong> i feel. if a honeymoon registry is not an option for you... the site I used is called "honeyfund" and they have an "anything registry" option, where I am assuming ou can receive the cash in the same way. Try it out! Also, the mags say that you can have close friends and family spread the word through "word of mouth" that you prefer cash. Good luck.
Posted by sexilex[/QUOTE]

There is nothing classy about your guests thinking they are purchasing something for you on your honeymoon and you in turn getting cash!

HMR are not well received here b/c of that as well as you shouldn't plan on others paying for your vacation, plan a trip you can afford.

Everyone knows cash is a great gift. OP, like you mentioned, create a small registry or just don't create one and people will get the idea.

Whatever you do, don't create a site where people can send you money. It's a wedding, not a marathon fundraiser!

MNVegas · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_vs-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:a3540ff7-798d-4c1d-978b-79026251e4bbPost:398a4a6e-9fe0-43e9-a786-7747a3b9a6c0">Re: $$$ vs. Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]It's rude to have a cash registry. If you truly don't need anything (small kitchen appliances, upgrades...) then don't have a registry at all. People have been putting cash and checks into envelopes for years, no need to make a registry for it.
Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

<div>Agree!</div>

jennaval · January 2012

EXTREMELY helpful. Thanks ladies!

meganb1977 · January 2012

I know the feeling, we've had our house for a while too. Perhaps even if you don't need them now you can register for some towels to replace your current ones when they get worn, or some glasses you can store away to replace ones that break over time. If you go into the store you might find some picture frames (for wedding photos?), window treatments, and other decorative items that you like. Or what about luggage? I was surprised when we went into the store how much we did find to register for. Between you and your fiance, you should be able to find a few things to create a small-ish registry to give a few ideas to guests who prefer to give a boxed gift.

Simply Fated · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_vs-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:a3540ff7-798d-4c1d-978b-79026251e4bbPost:41e3cd90-c7ba-4b60-ad8b-d6cb3596d8d1">Re: $$$ vs. Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]EXTREMELY helpful. Thanks ladies!
Posted by jennaval[/QUOTE]
I wasn't here to help,but I'm going to now, anyway.

Money is a gift, so it really shouldn't be Money vs gift, ya know?

Honestly, i think it's weird, anyway. Like, you would never say, "You get me the toaster. Aunt Joanie can get me the other toaster and Grandma Suzie should get me the another toaster." Asking for cash is pretty much saying, "You, Aunt Joanie and Grandma Suzie are all getting me cash." Weird, right?

luv4994 · January 2012

I say screw what is 'proper' and do what is practical!

Why gather more stuff that you don't need? These are your family and friends. They love you and want to give you something that you need and want.

I am doing a registry for a down payment for our first home with a small regisitry for household items so that people have the option. My family prefers to give cash anyway. My uncle's fiance registered and my whole family gave checks instead.

KellyBrian2013 · January 2012

In Response to Re: $$$ vs. Gifts:
[QUOTE] I say screw what is 'proper' and do what is practical! Why gather more stuff that you don't need? These are your family and friends. They love you and want to give you something that you need and want. I am doing a registry for a down payment for our first home with a small regisitry for household items so that people have the option. My family prefers to give cash anyway. My uncle's fiance registered and my whole family gave checks instead.
Posted by luv4994 [/QUOTE]

I say, "good luck with your future relationships". If you don't need something, don't register for it. It's really that simple. The same person who will go off-registry to begin with isn't suddenly going to give you cash because you "registered" for it... they'll go off-registry anyway. Have fun with you personalized clucking Chicken clock.

If you know that your family prefers to give cash, why do you feel the need to register for it? Just accept their checks/cash graciously and apply it to your down payment. You are an adult, as is your FI - pay for your own damn house.

LeiselEB · January 2012

I cannot wrap my head around cash registries.

Wouldn't you rather just get an envelope full of cash or a check, than have to set up a registry and then wait to get the money later? I've not looked into those registries, but I'll bet some of them take a percentage of the gifts your guests give to you.

If I were your guest and wanted to give you money, I'd do it on my own. Why use a middle man? It doesn't make anything easier.

MNVegas · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_vs-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:a3540ff7-798d-4c1d-978b-79026251e4bbPost:f4391fd4-119c-43fd-b448-44d03795c80f">Re: $$$ vs. Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]I say screw what is 'proper' and do what is practical! Why gather more stuff that you don't need? These are your family and friends. They love you and want to give you something that you need and want. I am doing a registry for a down payment for our first home with a small regisitry for household items so that people have the option. <strong>My family prefers to give cash anyway.</strong> My uncle's fiance registered and my whole family gave checks instead.
Posted by luv4994[/QUOTE]

So why do you need to set up a cash registry if you already know your family is going to give cash anyway? Save yourself the embarrassment of looking ill mannered.<div><div>
</div></div>

Ali092011 · January 2012

I just have to jump in. I am the type that would never do a HR but doesn't automatically want to buy a cow pitcher or personalized cuckoo clock when I see one. If that's what the couple wants, I will participate, but I still think it's not the best etiquette and doesn't make much sense when HR sites take a cut of the money.

A down payment registry, however, I just simply see as over-the-top obnoxious. Even if that was all the couple asked for, I wouldn't do it. I would either put a check for an amount I could afford into a card, or get the couple something like a picture frame. I'm not in a position to buy a home for myself. I don't want to help you make your down payment. You can't afford the down payment? You save until you can. Just. Like. Everyone. Else.

acarreir · January 2012

I don't find it rude at all to ask for money. There are appropriate ways to ask for it though. I'm in the same boat where my Fiance and I already own a home and really don't need anything. Yes, there are a few things I may want an upgrade on or a few things that I want...like a really nice knife set...and that's it. Most of my guests already know that we want cash. One way of doing it is by word of mouth. I just honestly don't see whats so rude about letting people know you want cash instead of a gadget you probably won't ever use....

slpankuch · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_vs-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:a3540ff7-798d-4c1d-978b-79026251e4bbPost:727acf93-1a55-48ba-879b-6695ed07d1d3">Re: $$$ vs. Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't find it rude at all to ask for money. There are appropriate ways to ask for it though. I'm in the same boat where my Fiance and I already own a home and really don't need anything. Yes, there are a few things I may want an upgrade on or a few things that I want...like a really nice knife set...and that's it. Most of my guests already know that we want cash. One way of doing it is by word of mouth. I just honestly don't see whats so rude about letting people know you want cash instead of a gadget you probably won't ever use....
Posted by acarreir[/QUOTE]

I agree. There is a right and a wrong way of asking.
Subtle ways:
<u>- Don't register</u>..they will get the idea (you might end up with something you don't want but it happens)
<u>- Small registry</u> - I am registering for a small handful of serving dishes (since we have an apartment and I have the everyday stuff). Even something like sheets or towels will do. Something you can always use more of. After the registery is out, people get the idea that money is the next thing.
<u>-Word of mouth</u> - as said above. My parents get the question a lot. People ask them what to get us, they reply with "They live in an apartment together and they are saving to buy a house (in your case, use your future since you have a house) or something along those lines.

Don't ask flat out. It is rude but there is a right and a wrong way.

I used to like HM registries but now I just feel that they are a waste of money since they take a percentage out of your gifts. The guests that want to write checks will so. Going through a HM registry seems pointless to me.

luv4994 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_vs-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:a3540ff7-798d-4c1d-978b-79026251e4bbPost:5b87f673-2ac0-4029-8d32-8d90b86c8c9e">Re: $$$ vs. Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]I say screw what is 'proper' and do what is practical! Don't be surprised when you lose friends. Nobody wants to buy somebody else a house....and it's horribly rude to ask them to do it.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

If i lose friends over that. I don't want them. I would rather help the person I love buy a home to start their life than a toaster they don't really need, especially these days when the economy is so bad.

I find if funny how people say its rude to ask for money and yet they judge people and insult them for having a different oppinion than them. That's pretty rude it itself.

luv4994 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_vs-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:a3540ff7-798d-4c1d-978b-79026251e4bbPost:45adfa87-793f-42f8-b522-9c6553d56c8b">Re: $$$ vs. Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not an opinion. It's a basic rule of acceptable behavior. It's rude to ask other people to give you their money. Would you walk up to a friend on a normal day, and ask them to get out their wallet and give you some cash? That's obnoxious and extremely presumptuous. The fact that the occasion is your wedding does not change this fact. People already know that money is always a welcome gift. It isn't necessary to tell them that, and certainly not to register for it. Anyone who wants to give you money is quite capable of writing a check and slipping it into a congratulatory card without being told to do so. Part of being an adult is paying your own bills. Asking other people to buy your house for you is simply not polite. It's no more different than asking them to pay your rent on a normal day. What a couple CAN do is simply not register, and spread the word around through the wedding party and family. When asked about the registry, they respond: "They didn't register because they already have housewares, but I think they're saving up for a house/honeymoon." Anyone so inclined can then write a check. You are insulting your friends when you make it plain that you're after THEIR money that they earned working at THEIR jobs. A wedding is not an excuse to ignore appropriate behavior.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

If I don't agree with it, than it is an opinion. The fact that many people do honeymoon/house registries proves that fact. So, it's not generally accepted by everyone. I understand that you passionately believe otherwise but your opinion is not the only in the world.

And, to your point that you wouldn't ask your friend to open their wallet and give you money on a normal day: Would you ask your friend to buy you a new blender on any given day? I doubt it. So, by your own logic, registries of any kind are rude.

I don't need a lecture from you about what it means to be an adult. I have worked hard my entire life and I don't appreciate someone attacking me and insinuating that I am anything but a hardworker.

I am sorry that I don't agree with you, but there is no need for your rude comments.

There are nicer ways to phrase things and if you can't do that, than don't say anything at all.

MandaK12 · January 2012

It's kind of weird that magazines and many Knotties are so against cash type registries like Honeymoon Pixie, Honeyfund, and Deposit a Gift when the Emily Post Institute says they're perfectly fine! The official etiquette rules are just that you never put your registry information in your invitations. The Post Institute says it's even okay to "ask" for cash contributions through word of mouth.

If the Emily Post Institute says it, then I am going to go with their word for it!

http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/wedding-registries-gifts-and-thank-yous/652-inside-weddings-registry-rules

Ali092011 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_vs-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:a3540ff7-798d-4c1d-978b-79026251e4bbPost:42cfec9e-f40d-4f27-b802-3f5df899cfb7">Re: $$$ vs. Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: $$$ vs. Gifts : If I don't agree with it, than it is an opinion. The fact that many people do honeymoon/house registries proves that fact. So, it's not generally accepted by everyone. I understand that you passionately believe otherwise but your opinion is not the only in the world. <strong>And, to your point that you wouldn't ask your friend to open their wallet and give you money on a normal day: Would you ask your friend to buy you a new blender on any given day? I doubt it. So, by your own logic, registries of any kind are rude. I don't need a lecture from you about what it means to be an adult.</strong> I have worked hard my entire life and I don't appreciate someone attacking me and insinuating that I am anything but a hardworker. I am sorry that I don't agree with you, but there is no need for your rude comments. There are nicer ways to phrase things and if you can't do that, than don't say anything at all.
Posted by luv4994[/QUOTE]

Registries are suggestions of ideas for people who want to buy you a gift to help you and your husband set up your home. Guests are not required to purchase off of them. They exist so that if Aunt Jean wants to buy you a nice set of sheets, she can see whether to buy king or queen sized. They exist so your grandma knows what style of china you like. Money only comes ONE WAY. It's no different in the form of a "down payment" registry. Guests know how to give you money. They don't need any more details if they choose to give a monetary gift.

Furthermore, you sound really ungrateful towards gifts that don't suit your "needs." I've never known anyone who had a registry for physical items say "Ugh, I registered for silverware and someone gave me money instead!" But there have been plenty of people with "cash registries" who have implied that they don't need their guests' crappy gifts of housewares. It's just rude. And did I mention ungrateful?

Acting like an adult means saving money to buy your own home. And it means the willpower to spend your monetary wedding gifts on a down payment rather than blowing it on something else. If you can't do that, then you don't want a house that badly.

Are people going to register for mortgage payments next? Uncle Bob pays January, Grandma pays February, and so on?

Viczaesar · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_vs-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:a3540ff7-798d-4c1d-978b-79026251e4bbPost:b24b7b2f-b2d8-46ef-a07a-0ea9e85c75d8">Re: $$$ vs. Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]It's kind of weird that magazines and many Knotties are so against cash type registries like Honeymoon Pixie , Honeyfund, and Deposit a Gift when the Emily Post Institute says they're perfectly fine! The official etiquette rules are just that you never put your registry information in your invitations. The Post Institute says it's even okay to "ask" for cash contributions through word of mouth. If the Emily Post Institute says it, then I am going to go with their word for it! <a href="http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/wedding-registries-gifts-and-thank-yous/652-inside-weddings-registry-rules" rel="nofollow">http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/wedding-registries-gifts-and-thank-yous/652-inside-weddings-registry-rules</a>
Posted by MandaK12[/QUOTE]
The Emily Post institute has sold out. Go with the original Emily Post or Miss Manners (Judith Martin) for accurate etiquette information.

hoffse · January 2012

I agree with retread. I just want to reiterate what a PP said that cash only comes in one form. And you know PRECISELY how much I spent on you that way. If I buy you something off of your registry I have choices of what I can get. And I am personally a very serious bargain shopper, and I'm a student. I want to buy my friends nice gifts that I wouldn't normally be able to afford, so I shop for wedding gifts MONTHS out - and I watch the price around major sales and holidays to grab that item I want to buy at the best price possible. I can't do that with cash. I don't like to give cash. And when a bride only has cash options, I feel backed into a corner because it gives me no selection or variety. As a guest I'm extremely uncomfortable with that feeling. One of etiquette's primary goals is to help you minimize making OTHER PEOPLE feel stressed or awkward or uncomfortable. Etiquette dictates that I don't back my guests into a corner with cash registries for those who don't like them.

And finally, I've said this before and I'll say it again. For those who think HM registries are fine, please go ahead and make your guests think you are rude. But realize that MANY random strangers on the internet disagree with you, and odds are a good portion of your guests will also. Maybe you don't care, maybe it's your "big day" so you can throw other people's feelings out the window, but I promise that your choice to have cash registries will be talked about behind your back, and I find it strange that brides care whether people talk about the color napkins they chose but not the gifts they chose. Nobody will think white versus pink napkins are rude, but plenty of people will think that the cash registry you chose is rude. Please recognize that it's what OTHER people think, not what you think that matters here. Your guests are giving you a gift, you are not giving yourself a gift. You may think it's fine but your thoughts on the subject as a bride are really pretty meaningless.

Kristin789 · January 2012

Just want to comment on this part:
/>>The fact that many people do honeymoon/house registries proves that fact.

My DH and I are both teachers, so we go to LOTS of weddings. Probably an average of three per year. And I know no one IRL who has done a HM or house registry. In my area of the country - and maybe in every area of the country, "many people" do NOT do those types of registries.

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