FI wont go to premarital counseling...

jcg23 · January 2013

We got into an argument tonight and he knows I want to go to premarital counseling. We got in an argument because I wanted an open joint account we have a closed one (where we can't access eachothers accounts) and I don't necessarily want him to but the fact it's because he doesn't trust me bothers me. How am I supposed to marry someone who can't trust me with everything? and then puts me in with the whole population saying "I don't trust anyone." I am not supposed to be just anyone to him. I feel like we are separateand when it's money issues it's either me or you not us or we. I want to feel like a team I don't really feel like we are. and I thought he understood I wanted to go to pre marital counseling and he said "everything was fine until you brought all this stuff up." I really love him and I know he loves me, but he doesn't understand we need to go to work on things obviously everything isn't all perfect if I want to go even if he feel it is. Obviously I feel we have stuff to work on and he doesn't. I really don't want to call everything off... but this is really starting to make me rethink, I thought we were on the same page, but he said no and not only that but he wouldn't even give me an answer as to why besides "I just don't want to." I made a point saying "you drove all the way to texas and back to get me but you refuse to go to counseling that is where you draw the line?" and he really just didn't give me any answers and avoided mostly everything... which seems to be what he usually does when I bring up something he doesn't want to talk about. I just see a bunch of red flags. I know I'm not perfect and neither is he and that is why we need to prepare for the future to learn to comprimise so far we aren't really good at it. I did make an effort in saying can't we just try it out? and he said no. Any advice??

amanda0543 · January 2013

How long have you been asking him to see a counselor? A lot of people have trouble with seeing counselors, and need time to build up to it. From what you described it sounds like a good idea. One of the biggest effects of marriage is that you two are essentially going to become a single financial entity. His debt will be yours, and vice versa... If he's not ready for that, then he isn't ready for marriage (because as I said, that's one of the things marriage entails). You're right that he needs to trust you if you two are going to get married. If trust issues are seriously the problem for him then he needs to talk with someone. That's not a fight that's just going to go away (the trust and the finances).

If you genuinely think that things aren't right you might want to postpone the wedding for the time being. Like I said, the trust issues wont just go away, and if you guys can't work them out I can't imagine it ending well for either of you.

On the flip side, my fi have a joint account, but we also have our own separate accounts. We both keep most of our money in the joint accout and use it to make joint purchases and payments (rent, bills, food etc. etc.), but then we have our own accounts that we stash a little extra money in for personal purchases. We trust eachother not to be buying anything shady, or racking up tons of debt, and then it's nice because if I want to buy him a present the surprise wont get spoiled or if one of us saves up money to buy a luxury item the other might see as a little silly/overpriced (new purse, video game expansions... etc.) there's no neck breathing. He might be scared that if you see all his purchases you'll start trying to control EVERYTHING he does, and he'll lose his freedom. Again, that's something I think would be best to discuss with a relationship counselor.

*Barbie* · January 2013

i think you need to call off the wedding until you are both on the same page financially - whether you choose to see a counselor or not. Fights about financial topics are one of the top causes of divorce.

that said - is there a reason he doesn't trust you with money? do you have credit issues or a tendency to spend beyond your means? does he? how are finances currently managed? does he have a plan moving forward on how the two of you will pay bills/contribute to savings/make large purchases? is he willing to share statements, etc. or just no access at all? could he be trying to hide something? who is the breadwinner in the relationship? do you have a prenup?

i have a friend who just finalized her divorce, and she was wishing that she had more insight into their finances throughout the marriage - she found out through the divorce how he had been spending money on his girlfriend - and hiding funds from her.

GBCK · January 2013

If he won't do counseling now for what he thinks are 'minor' problems that you're bringing to the table, that bodes INCREDIBLY ill for when you have MAJOR problems. (and all marriages have 'major' problems at some point--the fact that he thinks counseling is a 'no go' now means that he sees it as a threat to the relationship and...that isn't cool)

The "this is YOUR fault" thing is the most scary thing about what you posted, IMO. Rather than seeing this as something that 2 people who are going to build a life together need to reach an agreement on, he's saying his way is right and the fact that you disagree is a problem and that the onus is on you to cave...that all of this is 'your' fault.

I'm in the 'look, call this off until this is resolved...at elast" camp

jcg23 · January 2013

Wedding planning hasn't even started and I just picked a date on here haven't even consulted with a venue. So nothing really needs to be done with that atm but if we find things are still not going smoothly when the time comes I will indeed move it back, or call it off completely. I do feel like he is blaming me for everything. When I bring up an issue I feel he thinks I just look for problems. But in reality I just saw it as an issue to go over before marriage. I knew that finances are the #1 cause for divorce and even though I told him that all he said was "my money is my money and your money is your money." once he put it in perspective I didn't really mind it. He just got upset and said he didn't trust me with his money because I might spend it all. He had a past relationship where he took on debt because she spent so much money which he didn't have to take on he just didn't want to argue on that and also they weren't even married. He will show me his statements and has no issue with any of that but it still bothers me that he doesn't trust me with everything. If it were "well because I figure we would keep it separate in case we are buying gifts for one another or something" or anything else but the trust is a big no no. I trust him.
We've talked about premarital counseling before, and he gives me a yes or no. If I bring it up when he is upset he'll say no unless he thinks I am in the wrong. I think he feels he'll be attacked even though I've emphasized how it is to help give you the tools on how to handle different issues in marriage. It isn't about whose right or wrong it's about ending the issues all together. I've said I don't think one of us is more wrong than the other, it takes two to tango. And it doesn't matter if one of us is in the wrong its about fiixing the issue. I really think he is carrying baggage from his last relationship I know most of us do I'm sure I have something but I don't think it's prevented me from trusting him. I am still going to talk with him on this when I get home from work. I just hate how defensive he gets sometimes when I bring up certain things, like the money thing I told him I just wanted to talk about it, and he got rather defensive about it. I really hope the talk tonight goes better.

GBCK · January 2013

red flag x a gazillion.

If this is what he's like with something he sees as 'minor', WTF is going to happen when you 2 disagree about something MAJOR?

jcg23 · January 2013

Well I don't know if he sees it as minor he just wants to avoid it all together. He said "I don't want to talk about money." He really just was trying to avoid it at all costs and I have no clue why. I mean if I plan on marrying him we have to be able to talk about everything and money is one of those things. I think he is scared he always says "money makes the world go round."' we don't have the same feelings about it and that is definitely something we need to work on as well as other things we don't see eye to eye on. When I said last night we need to go to premarital counseling he said "Why because I won't let you have access to my money?" Like I was trying to scheme a plan. I guess I'm glad I brought this up now before we got married...

mandi195 · January 2013

If I asked my FI to go to premarital conseling, for ANY reason, and he refused, the wedding would be "postponed" until we went... period.

jcg23 · January 2013

I'm going to give it a bit more time and figure out how to communicate better with him before post poning. I am not even really planning on scheduling it until 2014 but I let him know this is serious. But perhaps if I wait until tomorrow to talk about it unless it comes up tonight but I want to do that because he is less likely to be cranky when I'm not coming home from work at 10 and want to bring it up when he is more relaxed like cook him a nice dinner clean the house basically set a relaxing atmosphere and let him know I have no intention of doing anything to hurt him. I understand he should already know, but we both have put too much work into this to throw in the towel. Hopefully it works. Although I'm pretty sure he'll know something is up. hahahah

DaveandRoxy · January 2013

He doesn't sound ready to be married. When you are married everything becomes joint assets. It's not my money, my car, my room, it's OUR everything. Money is a big issue for a lot of people. It's one of the top reasons that couples get divorced. Counseling is also a big hot button for some people. Our society puts a big stigma on seeking help. I don't understand why. But, when I told some of my friends and family that we had gone to premaritial counseling I got a couple of side eyes. And some people automatically assumed something was wrong or needed to be fixed. Premaritial counseling gave us the tools to help us build a happy and long lasting marriage.I really think it was the best idea we've had and I recommend it to anyone! But yea, in short, he's not ready to be married and he's not willing to work with you to get ready to become married. I'd run in the other direction. Sorry!

jcg23 · January 2013

Well I am gonna try a bit more. But he can't just expect me to bend over backwards to keep it together. And no need to be sorry I asked for advice. If I didn't want to hear it I shouldn't have posted on here. I love him I just want to get to the root as to why he won't do it. I know what you mean though about people thinking it means your in trouble and someone today told me you probably shouldn't even get married if you need it. I was rather angered at that because that untrue statement hurts couples because they fear to try it.I personally don't give a rats ass what others say if it works it works that's what matters. But I know mike doesn't care what others think and so I think it may be a fear of it. Don't know why. I am not making excuses for him I can understand there are underlying issues may be from his past may be something I did or didn't do or said or didn't say but if he isn't willing to open up and talk about it we will never get anywhere. It would be a terrible shame to have to stop just because of this unnecessary fear.

jcg23 · January 2013

Okay so fi has finally told me why he doesn't want to go and its totally reasonable he doesn't want to go to church he is uncomfortable with that which I am too as we both aren't into religion and we cannot afford to go to someone else. If there are any other suggestions though id love to hear them.

FI wont go to premarital counseling...

Re: FI wont go to premarital counseling...

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