Cash Bar/wedding invitations

[Deleted User] · May 2010

I also have a friend who could only afford hors dourves for her wedding. Her Fi was working a second job to pay for the wedding and what was most important was having the people there who mattered to them, not buying everyone a meal (and/or drinks) I was more than happy to eat before I went because I so I could share their happiness... not for free food & drinks. I understood that not everyone has the means to pay for open bars.

As I stated before, it's just my opinion but open bar is not expected. And no I'm not a "cheapass" either (thanks Meghan

I just prefer to spend money on things that are important. If I did have an extra $1500, I would put it in my son's college fund, not spend it on alcohol for my wedding guests.

andyandhillary · May 2010

OP, seeing as how we don't really know much about your wedding just concentrate on being the best hostess possible. That means putting yourself almost last, really, and putting your guests first. Sometimes that means providing an open bar and good meal over lots of flowers, expensive centerpieces, designer cakes, etc. You have to pick and choose in life and that includes weddings. Few things are more irritating to a guest than when they see a bride in a Vera Wang gown with a cash bar and chicken that bounces.

tlv204 · May 2010

Why do kegs = frat party? Just put it behind a counter and call it draught beer instead. Kegs are a hell of a lot cheaper than bottles.

opalsky007 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:63d8b2d2-4c3f-4892-990d-03c3438e7255">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]As far as your comparison in inviting your friends over for dinner, how often do you take 150-250 people out to a nice restauraunt? That costs a lot more than inviting a few couples over for a homemade meal. And if my friend invites me over for dinner, I ask what I can bring to the table, which is often, a bottle or two of wine.
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]

That's why you invite the number of people you can afford to accomodate. Period. Especially if they've flown to your wedding, booked a hotel, bought you a gift...it costs a lot more to ATTEND a wedding than to have dinner at a friend's house too.

nda_roxybabe · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:a311d32b-f3fc-4b68-b71c-16b830d7f6e0">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]I also have a friend who could only afford hors dourves for her wedding. Her Fi was working a second job to pay for the wedding and what was most important was having the people there who mattered to them, not buying everyone a meal (and/or drinks) I was more than happy to eat before I went because I so I could share their happiness... not for free food & drinks. I understood that not everyone has the means to pay for open bars. As I stated before, it's just my opinion but open bar is not expected. And no I'm not a "cheapass" either (thanks Meghan ;) I just prefer to spend money on things that are important. If I did have an extra $1500, I would put it in my son's college fund, not spend it on alcohol for my wedding guests.
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]
Then they shouldn't have had a wedding! FFS

MeaghanandMichael · May 2010

hors d'oeuvres
Meaghan
you're welcome

If you really care about adding to your son's college fund right now why are you even having a wedding? That seems much more frivolous to me in the long run than worrying about the 1500 more you will spend in alcohol.

tlv204 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:a311d32b-f3fc-4b68-b71c-16b830d7f6e0">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]I also have a friend who could only afford hors dourves for her wedding. Her Fi was working a second job to pay for the wedding and what was most important was having the people there who mattered to them, not buying everyone a meal (and/or drinks) I was more than happy to eat before I went because I so I could share their happiness... not for free food & drinks. I understood that not everyone has the means to pay for open bars.
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]

That is just being a bad hostess. I already said I don't think cash bars are the worst thing on the planet, but if you don't care about feeding people, DON'T INVITE THEM. That's ricockulous. and RUDE. Have a smaller guest list if the budget is so tight, don't be a crappy hostess.

MeaghanandMichael · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:4f83d5aa-4e4b-40c3-bcc5-be99312a2252">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]Why do kegs = frat party? Just put it behind a counter and call it draught beer instead. Kegs are a hell of a lot cheaper than bottles.
Posted by tlv204[/QUOTE]

Agreed. I am talking about out in the open serve yourself kegs (keg stands?). It is easily remedied with a counter and a server.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

Okay by "kegs" I mean hosted beer on tap until 2 kegs run out.

And I have never heard of anyone charging admission. Ever. But as I mentioned several times, practically every wedding I've attended has only hosted tap beer in the amount of 2 kegs.

I disagree about my friend who served hors dourves that she "shouldn't have had a wedding". She is a wonderful girl with a large family and lots of friends. I don't think she should have to cut guests who are important to her, for the sake of serving a meal to the ones who are there.

tlv204 · May 2010

Gotcha. While they're at it they should probably just let the guests tap the keg themselves, since it takes so much time and effort that the bride and groom can't spare.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

And FYI, my "exprensive dress" that you've presumed was purchased on sale and only $250.

tlv204 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:4124e447-c57d-4d2e-ac84-9414bcf9ddfd">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay by "kegs" I mean hosted beer on tap until 2 kegs run out. And I have never heard of anyone charging admission. Ever. But as I mentioned several times, practically every wedding I've attended has only hosted tap beer in the amount of 2 kegs. I disagree about my friend who served hors dourves that she "shouldn't have had a wedding". She is a wonderful girl with a large family and lots of friends. I don't think she should have to cut guests who are important to her, for the sake of serving a meal to the ones who are there. 
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]

Then you REALLY shouldn't be posting advice on an ETIQUETTE board. Clearly you're entitled to your own opinion, but don't give advice on a board created to help people be good hosts and hostesses.

andyandhillary · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:a311d32b-f3fc-4b68-b71c-16b830d7f6e0">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]I also have a friend who could only afford hors dourves for her wedding. Her Fi was working a second job to pay for the wedding and what was most important was having the people there who mattered to them, not buying everyone a meal (and/or drinks) I was more than happy to eat before I went because I so I could share their happiness... not for free food & drinks. I understood that not everyone has the means to pay for open bars. As I stated before, it's just my opinion but open bar is not expected. And no I'm not a "cheapass" either (thanks Meghan ;) I just prefer to spend money on things that are important. If I did have an extra $1500, I would put it in my son's college fund, not spend it on alcohol for my wedding guests.
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]

Ok that meal part is just silly. It is not ok to suck up a significant chunk of time on a weekend so that they can have snacks a la kindergarten. That is for graduation open houses. If you can't even FEED people then you shouldn't have a wedding that size. It's not that you really "have" to feed people but you should thank them for coming. It's just the polite thing to do. Just like I think it's the polite thing to bring wine/dessert when you are asked to dinner.

andyandhillary · May 2010

Also, by inviting everyone you know and their cousins to your wedding and "reception" without properly thanking them, you look downright gift grabby. Some friends of Andy and I's had a huge wedding with snacks as the reception. I love them both very much but that was gift grabby.

frenchy730 · May 2010

I'm not a fan of them and would never have them, but cash bars are quite normal around here, as weddings in this city tend to be expensive. I've been to plenty of weddings where there were cash bars, or cash bars for drinks for anything other than beer and wine. It annoyed me, but I got on with my night. You should never EVER mention anything about money on an invitation. Have people spread the word casually, but don't say "hey, bring cash if you want to drink at our party."

I have to ask though, how much more was it to pay for a full bar than just 2 drinks per person? How much are you paying per person for that set-up?

nda_roxybabe · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:00721e0f-f243-4a98-afe5-124ef58de28e">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations : Then you REALLY shouldn't be posting advice on an ETIQUETTE board. Clearly you're entitled to your own opinion, but don't give advice on a board created to help people be good hosts and hostesses.
Posted by tlv204[/QUOTE]

Exactly! Seriously, inviting tons of people to a wedding then not feeding them a meal is rude, rude, rude.

The Mel and Todd Show · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:4124e447-c57d-4d2e-ac84-9414bcf9ddfd">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay by "kegs" I mean hosted beer on tap until 2 kegs run out. And I have never heard of anyone charging admission. Ever. But as I mentioned several times, practically every wedding I've attended has only hosted tap beer in the amount of 2 kegs. I disagree about my friend who served hors dourves that she "shouldn't have had a wedding". She is a wonderful girl with a large family and lots of friends. I don't think she should have to cut guests who are important to her, for the sake of serving a meal to the ones who are there.
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]

That's because you're speaking based upon what you think. And if you're happy with your thoughts, then huzzah! You can comfortably and confidently do whatever you damn well want, secure in the knowledge that you have pleased yourself and your like minded friends. But don't debate those thoughts on a board dedicated to etiquette when your little thoughts spit in the face of it. That little thought, the one that whispers "if you think it, it must be so" is speaking nonsense. You should squish it before it grows to adulthood.

tlv204 · May 2010

BTW I don't always think hors d'oeuvres are bad at a reception, it's just the mentality of "Oh I want to celebrate with everyone so I'm not worried about being a good hostess!" that kills me. Some events with finger foods have more and better food than those that don't, but I suspect that was not the case here.

I didn't assume your dress was expensive, I was speaking generally. I know a few people who have spent closer to a thousand dollars on a dress, and then had a cash bar.

penad5 · May 2010

Depending on where you are from you may not have to spread the word. I've never been to a wedding with an open bar - so i don't expect it. It's not common place at all, in my circles.

As for the etiquette of it, if someone wants to snark behind your back (or tell you your tacky on these boards) for not letting them get lit on your dime - who cares - those people obveously don't know you and don't know your probably doing the best with what budget you have avalible.
In a traditional wedding the brides parents foot the bill for the wedding and I don't know many parents who still do that and no one rags on them. times are changing - do what's right for you

[Deleted User] · May 2010

I'm not "so worried about my son's college fund" I used it as an example to demonstrate that there are more important things to spend money on than free alcohol. In my opnion, and in my community cash bars are not expected.

If you disagree or that is not the same where you come from that is fine and you could state it tacktfully or without trying to insult the people who are different from you. Everyone's different, what's importatnt to one person may not be so important to another. To each their own.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:af21e75d-71bb-47cd-ace2-b453c76a00d8">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]msmerymac It's definitely not the same thing. Why then do cash bars exist but a guest "paying for their meal or centerpiece" is completely unheard of. Have you literally ever heard of that??
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]

No, I haven't. That's the point. Where I'm from, I've never seen a cash bar. So basically, my family expects there to be SOME kind of open bar, even just beer and wine. We like to drink with dinner and at special events. If you come from a circle where cash bars are the absolute normal, I guess no one will think they're rude, so there's that. Or if you're from a family where people don't drink and don't expect it, there's no need to provide alcohol. But I always offer a drink to people when they come over - cause like I said, that's how we roll. It's AS integral to a celebration as food and entertainment.

JennaV26 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:4f83d5aa-4e4b-40c3-bcc5-be99312a2252">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]Why do kegs = frat party? Just put it behind a counter and call it draught beer instead. Kegs are a hell of a lot cheaper than bottles.
Posted by tlv204[/QUOTE]

I've never once been to a wedding where there were kegs. I have, on the other hand, been to many frat parties - all with kegs.

It's one thing if you're having a casual backyard reception, but if you're not and you're planning on spending the money on alcohol, why even bother? Kegs tend to go flat quicker anyway.

MeaghanandMichael · May 2010

Oh.my.god. Kari - do you understand what you are reading here? Clearly not. We are not talking about YOUR opinions or MY opinions or where you live or where I live. We are talking about the standard rules of etiquette. You may choose not to follow them, but to come on an etiquette board and trash them like an expensive after thought is just out of line.

tlv204 · May 2010

I actually much prefer draught beer to bottles or cans, so there's that too. What if the reception is at a restaurant with beer on tap? Is that too frat-party-esque?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

Andplusalso, I'm having less than 100 people at my wedding so I could afford to do an open bar, rather than 300 with a cash bar. I'm not pointing you out specifically Kari, because I don't know what kind of wedding you're having. I'm just listing my priorities.

And yes, I usually have 10-20 people over to my house for cocktail parties a few times a year rather than 100 people over for a formal reception. It doesn't mean my hosting duties are any less. I hate the excuse of, "Well, I'm having a lot of guests!" or "Well, I have a small budget!" Fine, but figure out how to work with that. You don't HAVE to have a huge number of guests, you know. You can find free or cheap venues. You can find a place where you can bring in your own alcohol. You can put the wedding off while you save more money.

And if $1500 would be better spend on your son's college fund, why have a wedding at all? I know - all of us want weddings. Otherwise we wouldn't be on a wedding planning board, we'd just JOP it. But let's admit that it's a frivlous expense.

andyandhillary · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:043bbe7a-b189-4050-b64a-44c6da65d0cf">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not "so worried about my son's college fund" I used it as an example to demonstrate that there are more important things to spend money on than free alcohol. In my opnion, and in my community cash bars are not expected. If you disagree or that is not the same where you come from that is fine and you could state it tacktfully or without trying to insult the people who are different from you. Everyone's different, what's importatnt to one person may not be so important to another. To each their won.
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]

I get the regional differences thing, I do. It's your mentality that is rude. That you can do whatcha want with utter disregard to your guests and what is the generous thing for you to do. Generosity isn't merely doing what is expected, it's going beyond that. That, to me, is what a good hostess is.

nicoleflores2005 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:bdf43ab9-b7ad-4c72-9f14-264c0b078d5e">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations : That's because you're speaking based upon what you think. And if you're happy with your thoughts, then huzzah! You can comfortably and confidently do whatever you damn well want, secure in the knowledge that you have pleased yourself and your like minded friends. But don't debate those thoughts on a board dedicated to etiquette when your little thoughts spit in the face of it. That little thought, the one that whispers "if you think it, it must be so" is speaking nonsense. You should squish it before it grows to adulthood.
Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

Who are you? Can we be friends? You just made my Friday.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

Who has the "BOOK OF EDIQUETTE RULES"??? If there was one, this board wouldn't be here. Obviously there are boards here to discuss it because what one person's idea of "proper ediquitte" may not be the same as anothers. As another poster mentioned, how many of your parents are footing the whole bill for your weddings? Because that's proper ediquette.

nda_roxybabe · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:9aec8b6c-ea05-4631-aa01-86f1d1770e4f">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]Depending on where you are from you may not have to spread the word. I've never been to a wedding with an open bar - so i don't expect it. It's not common place at all, in my circles. As for the etiquette of it, if someone wants to snark behind your back (or tell you your tacky on these boards) for not letting them get lit on your dime - who cares - those people obveously don't know you and don't know your probably doing the best with what budget you have avalible. In a traditional wedding the brides parents foot the bill for the wedding and I don't know many parents who still do that and no one rags on them. times are changing - do what's right for you
Posted by penad5[/QUOTE]
Times are changing but manners still exist. It is obviously not the best may to manage budget, you should always do what you can afford. So, if you can't afford alcohol, you don't serve it.

btrflykate1230 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-barwedding-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2eff87-6f6f-4cf1-9859-8c02f87a5d23Post:12d0cf32-ded0-4895-a746-77bbf1358bb5">Re: Cash Bar/wedding invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]Who has the "BOOK OF EDIQUETTE RULES"??? If there was one, this board wouldn't be here. Obviously there are boards here to discuss it because what one person's idea of "proper ediquitte" may not be the same as anothers. As another poster mentioned, how many of your parents are footing the whole bill for your weddings? Because that's proper ediquette.
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]

Etiquette. Thanks for playing though.

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