BM Declined, what to do?

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:094c8ea7-e2ce-4274-ab71-6dc71eeddefc">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM Declined, what to do? : By put together I meant spiritually and financially stable. She's an independant woman and emotionally stable (as much as one can be being human.) <strong>But she's also very feminist, controlling and not the marriage type. No man is ever good enough for the people closest to her.
</strong>Posted by thatkimgirl88[/QUOTE]

I had a friend who was exactly like this and she stopped speaking to me when I got engaged. From what you have said though, I don't think this is the situation with you. From what you've told us, she has some valid reasons for being concerned.

I do, however, take great issue with your statement that she is a feminist and therefore not the marriage type. All feminism means is that you believe women should be treated the same as men. Do not play into the other side's caricature of it as being men haters.

thatkimgirl88 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:61d50126-247c-4df7-995a-a99d139a049d">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM Declined, what to do? : I had a friend who was exactly like this and she stopped speaking to me when I got engaged. From what you have said though, I don't think this is the situation with you. From what you've told us, she has some valid reasons for being concerned. I do, however, take great issue with your statement that she is a feminist and therefore not the marriage type. All feminism means is that you believe women should be treated the same as men. Do not play into the other side's caricature of it as being men haters.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<div>No she.. seriously doesn't really believe in marriage. She doesn't want to get married. She thinks the men her sisters are married to aren't good enough for them and it was a mistake and now she thinks I'm making a mistake.</div>

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:b355e16b-5391-44cb-8def-4c6f2d4d4599">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM Declined, what to do? : No she.. seriously doesn't really believe in marriage. She doesn't want to get married. She thinks the men her sisters are married to aren't good enough for them and it was a mistake and now she thinks I'm making a mistake.
Posted by thatkimgirl88[/QUOTE]

Then why on earth would you have ever wanted her as a BM? If this is who she is, you had to have known this is how she would react to not only your wedding but all of the bad stuff you told her about your FI.

nursing2u · July 2012

if you are saying this about her...then YOU ALREADY KNEW HER OPINION.. Soo why did you expect her to change he vues as soon as you say YOU are getting married.. The fact that you told her all the issues between you guys....there is NO WAY... she would've said anything else but what she said to you..

You expected wayyyy tooo much.. Sorry to say, but you did.. I think this is a lesson for you, and it will teach you some life lessons.. of course not all lessons are great ones, but it will help you to know what to do in the future i.e don't tell all your business. .Just because someone asks you constant questions, you are an adult and you don't have to answer the questions.. You do have the right to say you are an adult and your relationship is personal.

lisa&arthur · July 2012

What a difficult situation. I think you asked an honest question and though I think there is a lot of truth to what the posters are saying, I am sure this situation is extremely difficult for you and probably this is a time to be extra sensitive with our words.

This is how I see it:

She doesnt approve for whatever reason and has let you know she would not be the best fit for a bridesmaid. That's a done deal. I think you would like her to be at the wedding if she supports you and she seems to so I would not take away her invitation. This is a sign that there are things you both need to talk about. If the relationship is important to you then it is worth talking to her. As far as talking about your FI with her, ya, that can bite you back. I have learned that myself. It is a lesson we all learn at some point. Perhaps this is the point that you learn that and in the future you will work things out with him rather than discussing with other people. We all make mistakes. I used to talk about my boyfriends with my sister, but then she knew issues. I even talked about my fiance with her a bit at the very beginning of our relationship (like 2nd date status) and now I am regretting just telling her that litte bit at the start! Who knew we'd be engaged! But you live and learn. And you will too. I hope things work out. I know you are hurt, try to see that she is doing this because she feels it is the best thing for you. I hope things get better.

Also, I cant help but notice that your screen name has 88 in it. Is that the year you were born? Some of these things we learn with age.. that would make you about 24? At 24 I think you can expect there are many lessons to learn as time goes on. Let's not be too hard on her.

acaponi87 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:b355e16b-5391-44cb-8def-4c6f2d4d4599">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM Declined, what to do? : No she.. seriously doesn't really believe in marriage. She doesn't want to get married. She thinks the men her sisters are married to aren't good enough for them and it was a mistake and now she thinks I'm making a mistake.
Posted by thatkimgirl88[/QUOTE]

If this is the case then I don't really know what you were expecting from her.

She is being supportive of you but that doesn't mean she has to support every decision that you make in your life. And as for the venting to friends/family thing it is very difficult. When you are very close to someone it's natural to get protective of them. I vented a few times to my sisters about my FI and I could sense that their opinion of him was starting to change. I learned to keep our fights to ourselves. I can't blame them though because when I hear anything bad about my sisters or cousin (who is basically my sister)'s boyfriends I immediately go into "omg who do I have to kill?!" mode. It's natural to try to protect those you love.

I understand that you are upset with your cousin but please don't jeopardize your friendship. It sounds like her heart is in the right place and she loves you.

aerinpegadrak · July 2012

The other thing I think no one has really brought up is that premarital counseling is not a bad thing. I think a majority of couples go through it; many churches require it before you can get married there. It's not an admission of defeat or a sign that your relationship is on the brink; it provides a neutral third party to guide you through some of the important conversations you need to have before committing to each other, and to help you establish ground rules for arguing so things don't escalate and spiral out of control. Given what you've said about how things got to this point with your cousin, it sounds like you're sorely in need of both that neutral third party and those ground rules.

And hey, if you're both making the effort to demonstrate that you're serious about this commitment and willing to make it work, your cousin might withdraw her reservations. It's certainly not an unreasonable suggestion on her part.

kmmssg · July 2012

You are one of the most immature brides I've seen on here in a long time. Because someone won't be a BM you are going to cut them out of your life. She is absolutely right, she wants to be there for you EVERYDAY rather than just your one day pretty princess day. Because she has professed her complete support for your life but won't be a BM you want her out of your life. Immature.

You have told everyone and their sister about fights with your boyfriend. Really? I have 3 married daughters and I told everyone of them prior to their marriages what one of the cardinal rules of marriage is to keep mouth shut about fights and problems unless there is abuse, drugs, illegal activities, or violence. EVERYTHING else stays between the two of you. Once you work it out, you forgive each other. Those around you who love you, won't be so forgiving of the the other person for hurting you. You keep those issues private out of respect for your relationship and marriage. You told all your besties. Immature.

You aren't getting the validation you want on this board so you have twisted this wonderful so well put together person (or at least she was in your initial post) into someone you don't want in your life. That also contradicts your original post because you are so hurt she won't be a BM. No one has agreed with you or validated your position, so you are twisting things about this woman to make yourself look better. Immature.

You just aren't ready to get married.

aragx6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:405e5aa5-7384-4b52-a4c4-2a56aa4d4281">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM Declined, what to do? : Missing the point, party of you. GLB's point was that <strong>being a feminist and being against marriage are two totally different things and are not interconnected</strong>. That's why it's offensive to point out that she's a feminist in your pp, because it has no bearing on the situation and draws a false correlation. I, as a married feminist, take offense to that as well.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Amen.

TiffiArt · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:ed55586e-4834-45e0-b98c-dc7097a455c4">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, you got me, the night my son was born was pretty important. What I really meant was my wedding will be one of the most important days of my life. <strong>It's a rite of passage.</strong> I just want everyone I love there at my side. I feel like if I have to have her at my wedding and she's not in the party I'll just feel hurt everytime I look at her. My son's birth was far from the plan and it still haunts me so I know if things don't go well at the wedding it'll haunt me too.
Posted by thatkimgirl88[/QUOTE]

Marriage is NOT a rite of passage! It makes me so sad when I hear people talk about it that way. This is why our divorce rate is sooo high. Young people see marriage as a rite of passage, like getting your period, going to prom, or graduating high school, but then the wedding is over and they can't handle it and a few years later they are divorced!

Marriage should not be viewed as "something everyone does to move into the next phase of thier life" (a rite of passage) but as something you choose to do because you truly love and respect the person you are with. Every girl pictures getting married to each BF they have, but theone you actually marry is the one where you don't picture the wedding day but instead picture old age with.

I agree that it sounds to me like you are too immature to be getting married. I think your cousin may be right that you should wait. You say you and your FI have been together for two years and you have a ten month old son, right? So you got pregnant just a few months after you started dating? This is the 21st century and you do not have to stay with and marry someone just because you got pregnant. If you have been bitching about him left and right, there are either SERIOUS problems or you are too young and immature for marriage.

You talk about how she should love him because you love him, but that is faulty logic. When we are in love we can be blinded by that and not willing to accept problems - if you had a friend who was head over heels for a guy wh was cheating on her, would love him because she does? What if he was beating her and she was defending him because she loves him? Now I am not saying those are your problems, obviously, but your cousin cares about you and is concerned for you. What she sees is a young couple, who got pregnant very quickly, then began fighting a lot and who are now jumping into marriage when they have only been together a couple years. She is not EXPECTING you to get divorced but the odds are not in your favor and she is genuinely worried. I really think you should put off the wedding a couple years, stay engaged but make it a long engegement - plus if you wait til he's 2 1/2 or 3, then your son can be your ring-bearer! If you are determined to get married soon, PLEASE, go to premarital counseling and give your marriage the best chance it has. But most of all, forgive your cousin! Get over it, keep her as your son's godmother, visit her as much as you can and keep that relationship good, because she is not just a friend she is also family!

KeggersMommy · July 2012

I wish that the friend that stood up for me to my exhusband would have declined. She knew (as I later found out) that me marrying him was NOT the right decision, but she was the one that agreed to signing the paperwork because she knew it is what I wanted (at the time).

Your cousin telling you that she will be there for you everyday is a LOT more important than her standing at your wedding. She is saying she will be there for you no matter what, through whatever you are going through. She just does not believe that you should be marying him, so she is not going to publically support it. But she will be there for you to support your decisions and to help you through life. That is the BEST gift of friendship you can recieve.

mrsloftin · July 2012

I think you're having a very childish reaction to a very adult response. I don't know you or your stuation, but it sounds like your cousin has her reasons for not wanting to be your BM, and you should respect that. She said she loves you and still wants to attend, just not as a BM, and really she said it in the nicest way. I can't understand why you're getting so upset about it, and "denouncing" her role as your child's godmother seems especially immature to me... But you know your situation best and ultimately you should feel confident about your decision because you have a better perspective than any of us.

blackkat201 · July 2012

Wow! Everyone here seems to think that it is OK for your cousin to think she has a say in your happiness. Your are not a child and you can make decisions for yourself. (Even if thye might not be the correct decision). It's your decision who you want to spen the rest of your life with. Obviously this is an important thing to you. (Weddings are pretty big for anyone.) I am sure she can see just how much she is upsetting you and as a "close friend" she doesn't seem to care enough to try to make you happy. Even if the marriage is a bust at least as a friend I would do what I could to make it as good a time for you to look back on as I could.

If she can't spend "one day" supporting you when it really matters to you, do you really expect her to support you through the rest of your marriage?

P.S. You need better friends.

kmmssg · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:ec5427b5-63ab-4bc5-a92b-7fcdbb940305">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow! Everyone here seems to think that it is OK for your cousin to think she has a say in your happiness. Your are not a child and you can make decisions for yourself. (Even if thye might not be the correct decision). It's your decision who you want to spen the rest of your life with. Obviously this is an important thing to you. (Weddings are pretty big for anyone.) I am sure she can see just how much she is upsetting you and as a "close friend" she doesn't seem to care enough to try to make you happy. Even if the marriage is a bust at least as a friend I would do what I could to make it as good a time for you to look back on as I could. If she can't spend "one day" supporting you when it really matters to you, do you really expect her to support you through the rest of your marriage? P.S. You need better friends.
Posted by blackkat201[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You don't sound any more mature than OP does. You guys are looking at the wedding and not relationships and the marriage. That is incredibly sad. And immature.

</div>

fujax2005 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-declined-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffddf6ca-3681-4eda-97de-80a36fbf5663Post:ec5427b5-63ab-4bc5-a92b-7fcdbb940305">Re: BM Declined, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow! Everyone here seems to think that <strong>it is OK for your cousin to think she has a say in your happiness. </strong>Your are not a child and you can make decisions for yourself. (Even if thye might not be the correct decision). It's your decision who you want to spen the rest of your life with. Obviously this is an important thing to you. (Weddings are pretty big for anyone.) I am sure she can see just how much she is upsetting you and as a "close friend" she doesn't seem to care enough to try to make you happy. Even if the marriage is a bust at least as a friend I would do what I could to make it as good a time for you to look back on as I could. If she can't spend "one day" supporting you when it really matters to you, do you really expect her to support you through the rest of your marriage? P.S. You need better friends.
Posted by blackkat201[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Your cousin certainly can't tell you what to do, so in that sense she doesn't have a say. But a true friend will be honest to you and that is exactly what she did. I had a friend who dated a guy for 5 years and I was perfectly honest with her about the fact that I didn't approve. She is my best friend and I knew that she was a wonderful person. She deserved to be treated better than he treated her (and no, he wasn't abusive) and that there are men out there that will treat her better. It was hard for her to see this and it took a while for us to get over this disagreement in our friendship, but we did. After 5 years, that relationship has finally ended, and while she is crushed, she finally realized that she deserves better. And believe it or not, I don't even think the guy was a bad guy, he just wasn't good enough for her. (I guess I'm sounding like your cousin now) I love my friend and I want her to be happy, so I'm not going to lie to her. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm not saying your relationship is like this, but if your cousin truely thinks your relationship is problematic, would you really want her to lie to you? I know I wouldn't. Perhaps you should just agree not to discuss it (this is what my friend and I did for a large chunck of the time she was dating that guy - luckily we have plenty of other things to talk about). </div><div>
</div><div>I completely agree with an earlier post regarding couples counseling. Going to counseling doesn't mean you have a problem or that your cousin is right. If anything, I would argue that going to counseling before marriage is a sign of maturity, being realistic and a commitment to the relationship. No body is perfect and as a result, no relationship is perfect. Going to couseling helps you learn how to deal with your imperfections, your partners imperfections, and the imperfections in the relationship before major issues come up (prevention is always better than treatment). Relationships take work and counseling is a powerful mechanism to strengthening a relationship.

</div>

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