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Wedding Etiquette Forum

I really just need some advice

I was supposed to get married July 22 of this year. But my mom (I love her dearly, but I'm going crazy) Decided that her and my dad couldn't afford to have my big wedding anymore, so they cancelled the venue. My FH and I said, ok, thats fine. We will find another place, so instead of having the beautiful 150 guest wedding that I wanted, we are down to having 25 people (including me, fh, parents, and bridal party) at the local Olive Garden for the reception, and no where to have the ceremony. My mom decided all that, without even giving me a call to see if I liked the idea. She bought my dress a few months ago, and is now telling me that she can't afford to make the payments on my dress anymore, unless we don't have a reception at all, or if everyone pays for their own food (at olive garden) I love her so much, but she has stressed me to the limit of being physically ill. I'm not a spoiled brat, and I know what can and can't be accomplished for this wedding. I've tried giving them money to pay for it, but they refuse it. They say they can't afford to give me a wedding, but they just bought them both $800 computers, and a brand new $1000 tv. I can't deal with it anymore, has anyone else been thru a similar situation. I'm the only child, I thought that my parent's would want to at least let me be happy on my wedding day. Am I in the wrong to want to just run away to  Vegas with the FH?
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Re: I really just need some advice

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-just-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:513e50b0-0d9e-4def-af8c-7a3cfa3beeaaPost:9ff1a911-9ef9-45cf-a7b2-e17664c04591">I really just need some advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was supposed to get married July 22 of this year. But my mom (I love her dearly, but I'm going crazy) Decided that her and my dad couldn't afford to have my big wedding anymore, so they cancelled the venue. My FH and I said, ok, thats fine. We will find another place, so instead of having the beautiful 150 guest wedding that I wanted, we are down to having 25 people (including me, fh, parents, and bridal party) at the local Olive Garden for the reception, and no where to have the ceremony. My mom decided all that, without even giving me a call to see if I liked the idea. She bought my dress a few months ago, and is now telling me that she can't afford to make the payments on my dress anymore, unless we don't have a reception at all, or if everyone pays for their own food (at olive garden) I love her so much, but she has stressed me to the limit of being physically ill. I'm not a spoiled brat, and I know what can and can't be accomplished for this wedding. I've tried giving them money to pay for it, but they refuse it. They say they can't afford to give me a wedding, <strong>but they just bought them both $800 computers, and a brand new $1000 tv. </strong>I can't deal with it anymore, has anyone else been thru a similar situation. I'm the only child, I thought that my parent's would want to at least let me be happy on my wedding day. Am I in the wrong to want to just run away to  Vegas with the FH?
    Posted by JennaMelyssa[/QUOTE]<div>You can't tell them how to spend their money. </div><div>
    </div><div>I think you have two choices you can either elope or you can just respectfully decline their offer of a wedding and have a wedding that you and FI can afford. 

    </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-just-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:513e50b0-0d9e-4def-af8c-7a3cfa3beeaaPost:9ff1a911-9ef9-45cf-a7b2-e17664c04591">I really just need some advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was supposed to get married July 22 of this year. But my mom (I love her dearly, but I'm going crazy) Decided that her and my dad couldn't afford to have my big wedding anymore, so they cancelled the venue. My FH and I said, ok, thats fine. We will find another place, so instead of having the beautiful 150 guest wedding that I wanted, we are down to having 25 people (including me, fh, parents, and bridal party) at the local Olive Garden for the reception, and no where to have the ceremony. My mom decided all that, without even giving me a call to see if I liked the idea. She bought my dress a few months ago, and is now telling me that she can't afford to make the payments on my dress anymore, unless we don't have a reception at all, or if everyone pays for their own food (at olive garden) I love her so much, but she has stressed me to the limit of being physically ill. I'm not a spoiled brat, and I know what can and can't be accomplished for this wedding. I've tried giving them money to pay for it, but they refuse it. They say they can't afford to give me a wedding, but they just bought them both $800 computers, and a brand new $1000 tv. I can't deal with it anymore, has anyone else been thru a similar situation. I'm the only child, I thought that my parent's would want to at least let me be happy on my wedding day. Am I in the wrong to want to just run away to  Vegas with the FH?
    Posted by JennaMelyssa[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>"Thanks for the offer, but we'll plan and pay for our own wedding so we can have the wedding we want."  

    </div>
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  • How your parents spend their money is none of your business, though I can understand why you're frustrated.  Pay for the wedding you & your FI can afford and don't tell your mother the plans until you send her the invitation.  If that doesn't work, there's nothing wrong with eloping IMO.
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited February 2012
    I get why you are upset, but it is their money not yours. Cry about it being cancelled for a day and then move  on to solutions. The only solution I see (if you are unhappy with her plans) is explain to her that FI & you have decided to plan and pay for the wedding you can afford. Tell her she isn't planing or paying for it anymore and as an adult, you can plan and pay for the wedding you want.

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  • Pay for the wedding you and your FI can afford.  Tell your parents thanks but no thanks when they try to intervene. 


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-just-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:513e50b0-0d9e-4def-af8c-7a3cfa3beeaaPost:9ff1a911-9ef9-45cf-a7b2-e17664c04591">I really just need some advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was supposed to get married July 22 of this year. But my mom (I love her dearly, but I'm going crazy) Decided that her and my dad couldn't afford to have my big wedding anymore, so they cancelled the venue. My FH and I said, ok, thats fine. We will find another place, so instead of having the beautiful 150 guest wedding that I wanted, we are down to having 25 people (including me, fh, parents, and bridal party) at the local Olive Garden for the reception, and no where to have the ceremony. My mom decided all that, without even giving me a call to see if I liked the idea. She bought my dress a few months ago, and is now telling me that she can't afford to make the payments on my dress anymore, unless we don't have a reception at all, or if everyone pays for their own food (at olive garden) I love her so much, but she has stressed me to the limit of being physically ill. I'm not a spoiled brat, and I know what can and can't be accomplished for this wedding. I've tried giving them money to pay for it, but they refuse it. They say they can't afford to give me a wedding, but they just bought them both $800 computers, and a brand new $1000 tv. I can't deal with it anymore, has anyone else been thru a similar situation. I'm the only child, I thought that my parent's would want to at least let me be happy on my wedding day. Am I in the wrong to want to just run away to  Vegas with the FH?
    Posted by JennaMelyssa[/QUOTE]

    <div>Seriously just pay for your own wedding.  It'll save you a world of stress.  It sounds like your mom is a bit controlling.  You're a grown woman and you're about to be married. There's no better time than now to assert your independence from your parents. </div><div>
    </div><div>Regardless of who pays, under no circumstances ask your guests to pay for their own food.</div>
  • Yeah - if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to tell your parents you'll pay for it yourself (and then do so).  And it's not your business what they spend their money on, but I agree it's pretty shitty of them to downgrade your wedding that they said they'd pay for, and upgrade their electronics.  But - their money, their choice.
  • Pay for your own wedding.  How your parents spend their money is none of your business.
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  • Pay for your own wedding. Problem solved.
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  • That sounds like a pretty horrific experience.  I can't imagine my parents canceling the venue after agreeing to pay for it.  That being said, I think this is a GREAT opportunity for you and your FI to elope and come back and have a huge party for all your family and friends. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-just-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:513e50b0-0d9e-4def-af8c-7a3cfa3beeaaPost:9ff1a911-9ef9-45cf-a7b2-e17664c04591">I really just need some advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was supposed to get married July 22 of this year. But my mom (I love her dearly, but I'm going crazy) Decided that her and my dad couldn't afford to have my big wedding anymore, so they cancelled the venue. My FH and I said, ok, thats fine. We will find another place, so instead of having the beautiful 150 guest wedding that I wanted, we are down to having 25 people (including me, fh, parents, and bridal party) at the local Olive Garden for the reception, and no where to have the ceremony. My mom decided all that, without even giving me a call to see if I liked the idea. She bought my dress a few months ago, and is now telling me that she can't afford to make the payments on my dress anymore, unless we don't have a reception at all, or if everyone pays for their own food (at olive garden) I love her so much, but she has stressed me to the limit of being physically ill. I'm not a spoiled brat, and I know what can and can't be accomplished for this wedding. <strong>I've tried giving them money to pay for it, but they refuse it.</strong> They say they can't afford to give me a wedding, but they just bought them both $800 computers, and a brand new $1000 tv. I can't deal with it anymore, has anyone else been thru a similar situation. I'm the only child, I thought that my parent's would want to at least let me be happy on my wedding day. Am I in the wrong to want to just run away to  Vegas with the FH?
    Posted by JennaMelyssa[/QUOTE]

    <u>Here's the reality:</u>
    If someone else pays for your wedding, they get to call the shots.  If you pay for your wedding, you get to call the shots.

    If you don't want an Olive Garden reception... it's not about "trying to give them money for it." It's about being an adult and saying, "Mom and Dad, thank you so much for all your help so far. I'm going to take the reins from here, and FI and I are going to pay for it ourselves. Periodendofstory."

    If you want to elope, do it then!

    Your parents do not have to be in control over what your wedding is like.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-just-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:513e50b0-0d9e-4def-af8c-7a3cfa3beeaaPost:8598c33d-c339-48ec-bfeb-85c9214d7730">Re: I really just need some advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]That sounds like a pretty horrific experience.  I can't imagine my parents canceling the venue after agreeing to pay for it.  That being said, <strong>I think this is a GREAT opportunity for you and your FI to elope</strong> and come back and have a huge party for all your family and friends. 
    Posted by kwilliams111012[/QUOTE]

    Agreed!
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  • edited February 2012
    I totally get where your coming from. Similar situation happened to me. Some people just manage their money poor. Just pay for your own wedding and be happy with your day
  • Figure out a budget and pay for it yourself. If you can't save enough for what you want between now and July, either move the date back or adjust your expectations.

    FTR, there's nothing wrong with having a reception at a restaurant, but there is something seriously wrong with asking your guests to pay for their own meals. 
  • Just say no.  Tell her that that this isn't wat you had in mind, and you would rather pay for it yourself at this point.  Then figure out a budget and make it work on your own.
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  • That is really a shame, I can understand why you are upset but as PP have said, it is their money so they can spend it how they want.  I know that is not something you want to hear but it is the reality of the situation.

    I would recommend eloping and having a small party if possible.  Tell your mom that you appriciate everything she has done so far for the wedding but you will pick up from here.  In terms of the dress, I would call the bridal shop and let them know you will be the one making payments from here on out and to please send you the information about how much is left to pay and all the future invoices.


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  • I agree with all the other PPs, just pay for your own wedding. If they continue to tell you "no, you absolutely cannot pay for your own wedding", then don't tell them until after you've already paid for things. They can't just turn it down once it's already been paid for.
  • I'm so sorry, that really sounds like a mess.
    It might be a great idea for you to try to pay for it on your own. We decided to do that in the end because although my parents (who offered to pay for everthing and are now just paying the photographer) are less than structured with their money and it was stressing us out not to have specific budgets for stuff or the cash in our bank account to pay for elements of the wedding as we needed to.
    You might find it a relief as well to just do it on your own, even if it means that you seriously buckle down for the next few months.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-just-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:513e50b0-0d9e-4def-af8c-7a3cfa3beeaaPost:b1204453-ed34-4a00-bfac-48756656d4b9">Re: I really just need some advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I totally get where your coming from. Similar situation happened to me. Some people just manage their money poor. Just pay for your own wedding and be happy with your day
    Posted by tmeyer621[/QUOTE]


    Just because OPs parents bought electronics bs paying for the wedding does not mean that they managed their money poorly.
    It sounds like a passive aggressive way to get out of paying for it to me. It sucks that they're doing it this way but I would say they're spending their money exactly the way they want to.
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  • Your a big girl now, PLAN FOR and PAY FOR your own wedding. Then you won't have to deal with mommy issues.
  • Okay, so I see how you're upset here.  Promising to pay for x, y, and z, and then yanking it all out from under you with a few months to go is pretty crappy, especially when you see they'd rather spend the money on themselves than on keeping their promise to you.  It sucks, but that's their decision.  You have the right to spend a day or two being mad and having a good cry over it.  Then, pull out the finances and the FI and decide together what you can afford and what you want to do to get married.

    If you want to elope, go for it.  Nothing wrong with it at all.  Run away to Vegas or to an island somewhere.  Can you get married in your back yard and have a barbecue after?  Cake and punch after a church ceremony?   A few friends and family and a JOP at a restaurant that you pay for?  Or can you afford to keep your plans as is and take over payments yourself?   Don't tell them anything until after it's all said and done, and let them find out things for themselves at the wedding.  It's not their wedding, and not their money, so they don't get a say.

  • I agree with most everything that has already been said.  You and FI should pay for the wedding that you two can afford.  Respectfully decline your parents offer to pay for your wedding.
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  • NuggetBrainNuggetBrain member
    5000 Comments
    edited February 2012
    Apparently I'm the b*tch here, because if my parents told me they were paying for the wedding, then went so far as to purchase and start paying for my dress, then said they couldn't afford it while they blew through 2 grand on electronics for themselves unless I made all of my guests pay for their own meals and dropped that bomb on me 5 months before the wedding, I'd be ripsh*t pissed.  F*ck "spending their money how they want" and f*ck "being a big girl".  That's some bullsh*t right there.
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  • I'd be pissed too.  Of course, the truth is that it is their money to spend as they want, but to go back on their word?  Not cool, parents, not cool.

    I definitely wouldn't pay for the dress you didn't really want in the first place.  If they aren't paying, you no longer need to plan the wedding they wanted.  Take control of your wedding plans and/or elope if that's what you want.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-just-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:513e50b0-0d9e-4def-af8c-7a3cfa3beeaaPost:ecec5248-0be4-47da-b776-b5ae3360e7ce">Re: I really just need some advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Apparently I'm the b*tch here, because if my parents told me they were paying for the wedding, then went so far as to purchase and start paying for my dress, then said they couldn't afford it while they blew through 2 grand on electronics for themselves unless I made all of my guests pay for their own meals and dropped that bomb on me 5 months before the wedding, I'd be ripsh*t pissed.  F*ck "spending their money how they want" and f*ck "being a big girl".  That's some bullsh*t right there.
    Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

    What she said.

    Either keep the promises you've already made, or don't make any to begin with.  But don't make promises, half-ass the process, and then change your mind mid-stream.  It's a crappy move.  Yeah, they can spend their money how they want, but if they didn't want to spend it on a wedding, they shouldn't have said they would.  It's not about the money, it's about broken promises and putting the OP in a really bad situation. 
  • Oh, I get being pissed. I would be mad and have a good hard cry. BUT, this is the risk you take when someone else is paying. OP gets to be pissed, but the only solution is to plan & pay for it herself.

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  • I would be pretty pissed too and like the pp's said, eloping sounds great.

    My friend is having a pretty nice ceremony and reception in her backyard and her plans for it look great; her situation is similar to yours but she turned it into a really positive experience. She was able to invite only who she wanted and now her friends are invited and it really looks like we're going to have a great time!

    Be disappointed but understand you have a great opportunity to take back some control here; you can have a quickie ceremony and run away for a nice vacation or have a nice bbq at your home with your friends and family.

    Either way, your wedding day will mean you and your FI are finally married with or without the big shabang!
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  • I completely understand why you are upset. Don't pay anymore for a dress you didn't pick out. Your mom is just going to have to lose her deposit. Imo I don't see nothing wrong with asking people to pay for their own food. It's all in how you do it. My sister told us last year that they were getting eloped at the jop, then going to a restaurant for dinner & if people wanted to come they would have to pay for their own meals. It's not the traditional wedding. It's an elopement & if you & your fiance are going out to eat after the ceremony, people can "choose" to join you. Or you can have a small, intimate wedding in which you have complete control over. No matter what you choose, cut them out of anymore plans. They lost that right when they decided to stop paying.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-just-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:513e50b0-0d9e-4def-af8c-7a3cfa3beeaaPost:cade1027-aeb7-4c9c-ba64-e0c0bc9b2e05">Re: I really just need some advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I completely understand why you are upset. Don't pay anymore for a dress you didn't pick out. Your mom is just going to have to lose her deposit. Imo I don't see nothing wrong with asking people to pay for their own food. It's all in how you do it. My sister told us last year that they were getting eloped at the jop, then going to a restaurant for dinner & if people wanted to come they would have to pay for their own meals. It's not the traditional wedding. It's an elopement & if you & your fiance are going out to eat after the ceremony, people can "choose" to join you. Or you can have a small, intimate wedding in which you have complete control over. No matter what you choose, cut them out of anymore plans. They lost that right when they decided to stop paying.
    Posted by Dont AskMeAgain[/QUOTE]

    It is ENTIRELY as wrong as you can get to have your guests pay for their meal and the approach doesn't make it right. 

    The reception is the thank you to your guests.  It is to be hosted - you do not thank people by choosing and restaurant and telling them to pony up for the bill.  It is never ever appropriate to do this.  If you can't pay for them, don't invite them.
  • I completely understand why you are frustrated, and I think you have every right to be upset.  However, you can't really tell your parents how to spend their money, and unfortunately, it sounds like you and your fiance are going to need to pay for you wedding yourself in order to get the wedding you want.  Lots of brides and grooms pay for their own wedding nowadays.

    Also, please do not ask your guests to pay for their own food or drinks at Olive Garden for the reception.  That would be incredibly tacky.  You and your fiance are hosting the party, and these are your guests, so you need to pay.
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