Wedding Woes

Need Advice: MOH let down.. only 2 months b4 wedding

I've been engaged for over a year. I have 4 bridesmaids(two are in canada, one is local and one is across the country -baby sister) and a Maid of Honor (known her forever, lives 20 minutes from me). My MOH has been involved in very very minimal things, citing school projects, stress, sickness, gas prices, ect. in her inability to be with me. It is almost March, the last time I was able to get her for wedding help was in June of last year for our engagement party invitations. I have been very straight forward about asking if things are too much to do, money too much, ect., getting her in touch with other bridesmaids, other family members... "nope I've got it all under control". Meanwhile, I've recevied minimal support and encouragement from her, again due to her crazy life. When it came time to plan bridal shower and bach parties, my local bridesmaid offered to help my MOH out with everything. (BM has done it all before, experienced, could make things easier) and she was essentially told that MOH had it under control. Two weeks before the showers, MOH gives BM an email saying she needs her help planning the b-party. PLANNING IT. Not only that, but a few days later MOH lets BM know that shes not too keen on sum of the ideas and wants them fixed.

Im about at the end of my rope with my MOH. I've been considerate, I've made excuses for her, but I am now less than 2 months away from my wedding and I don't feel like I can depend on her, I don't feel like I'm a priority to her, and I think the "MOH" title is simply words to her.

For someone I've known my whole life, that I've been able to depend on in the past, I feel so heart broken that she can't even be there for me. Instead she's bailing on important things and putting it on other girls who were not preparred since its always been made to sound like she wanted to handle this.

How do I deal with this without hurting people or causing drama? I just want a day for my fiance and I to enjoy around our family and friends..
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Re: Need Advice: MOH let down.. only 2 months b4 wedding

  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'd bail too if I were made MOH for someone who thought it was a job with responsibilities.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_need-advice-moh-let-down-only-2-months-b4-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:49bdb072-b10c-4ab2-9d96-1ce1a8ab1b7aPost:e937a27f-241d-451b-96b3-0b8acf7ec7ae">Re: Need Advice: MOH let down.. only 2 months b4 wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd bail too if I were made MOH for someone who thought it was a job with responsibilities.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

    This.
    Anniversary
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_need-advice-moh-let-down-only-2-months-b4-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:49bdb072-b10c-4ab2-9d96-1ce1a8ab1b7aPost:d1b5b862-1313-4590-8a32-2d10d455f127">Need Advice: MOH let down.. only 2 months b4 wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've been engaged for over a year. I have 4 bridesmaids(two are in canada, one is local and one is across the country -baby sister) and a Maid of Honor (known her forever, lives 20 minutes from me). My MOH has been involved in very very minimal things, citing school projects, stress, sickness, gas prices, ect. in her inability to be with me. It is almost March, the last time I was able to get her for wedding help was in June of last year for our engagement party invitations.<div>
    </div><div> I have been very straight forward about asking if things are too much to do, money too much, ect., getting her in touch with other bridesmaids, other family members... "nope I've got it all under control". Meanwhile, I've recevied minimal support and encouragement from her, again due to her crazy life. When it came time to plan bridal shower and bach parties, my local bridesmaid offered to help my MOH out with everything. (BM has done it all before, experienced, could make things easier) and she was essentially told that MOH had it under control. Two weeks before the showers, MOH gives BM an email saying she needs her help planning the b-party. PLANNING IT. </div><div>
    </div><div>Not only that, but a few days later MOH lets BM know that shes not too keen on sum of the ideas and wants them fixed. Im about at the end of my rope with my MOH.</div><div>
    </div><div> I've been considerate, I've made excuses for her, but I am now less than 2 months away from my wedding and I don't feel like I can depend on her, I don't feel like I'm a priority to her, and I think the "MOH" title is simply words to her. For someone I've known my whole life, that I've been able to depend on in the past, I feel so heart broken that she can't even be there for me. Instead she's bailing on important things and putting it on other girls who were not preparred since its always been made to sound like she wanted to handle this. How do I deal with this without hurting people or causing drama? I just want a day for my fiance and I to enjoy around our family and friends..
    Posted by aubrim[/QUOTE]</div><div>
    </div><div>The point of a MOH is to sign the license. Seriously. That's why she's different from other attendants, and that's it.</div><div>
    </div><div>If she plans to do that, then she's doing everything "required" of her.</div><div>

    </div>
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    my MOH/sister didn't even sign the license (that's how it's done in PA) - she just showed up at the wedding wearing the dress that I chose.

    She did make a speech at the reception, but it was because she wanted to, not because she had to.

    MOH Iis just a title. the only responsibility she has is to show up for the wedding on time, wearing the outfit that was chosen for her.
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I got married in PA, so my MOH didn't sign the license either.  And I didn't even pick her dress.
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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Who are your witnesses, then? 
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  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My MOH didn't sign the license either. Neither did we, come to think of it. In MD, the officiant is the only one who signs.
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, the officiant signed ours, too.
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  • aubrimaubrim member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow guys, since day 1 my Maid of Honor was ready to plan the showers and parties. Shes been my best friend since we were 5. There are full weeks when I can't even reach her by phone. Between her and I the "title" signified the responsobilities to be there for the bride, and she hasnt. Others have stepped in where she bailed, I've even defended her against people saying "isn't the MOH supposed to be doing this?" It's just frusterating where everyone but her is putting all this effort in to the wedding and then on the day she is the "Maid of Honor" and is respected with that title.
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Maid of Honor is a title that means the person who has been closest to you in LIFE, not the slave who has served your wedding best. 

    Nostrakuusmus predicts that this friendship won't last much longer, and you won't be the one ending it.
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You know who IS responsible to be there for the bride, though?  The groom.  Where is he, and why isn't he planning his own damn wedding?
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  • aubrimaubrim member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The groom has been involved, monumentously. He's the one who is now stepping up to plan his fiance's own bachelorette party and bridal shower.

    I wish you would see the minimal expecatations I've had of her. She is not my wedding slave. It's just sad to see such a lack of effort, motivation or encouragement coming from somone who is supposed to be my main support on the most important day of my life.
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You know that you're not entitled to a bachelorette party or a bridal shower, right?  I'm clutching my pearls desperately at the groom throwing a party that is essentially a plea for gifts.
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  • aubrimaubrim member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry Kuus that you don't have more support around you for the things you need. I dont think that entitles you to negatively mad-mouthing myself, my fiance or my ideas.
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I have plenty of support; you're the one complaining that people aren't bending over backwards enough for Your Big Day.

    Do you, by chance, think that people who don't like you are jealous?
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  • edited December 2011
    You know what's supposed to support you so that you can get the things you need? Your paycheck.
    image
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_need-advice-moh-let-down-only-2-months-b4-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:49bdb072-b10c-4ab2-9d96-1ce1a8ab1b7aPost:d5997195-0253-4408-8bec-94a22ddf6544">Re: Need Advice: MOH let down.. only 2 months b4 wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have plenty of support; you're the one complaining that people aren't bending over backwards enough for Your Big Day. <strong>Do you, by chance, think that people who don't like you are jealous?</strong>
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

    HEE!

    OP: If you want support, find a good bra.  No one needs to be 'supported' during wedding planning by their bridal party.  That's why the couple should be planning their wedding together.  No bride is owed any of the parties that may or may not happen leading up to a wedding.
  • aubrimaubrim member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh yes, me and fiance are paying for our entire wedding, honeymoon, everything by ourselves and all under 10k. I'm not asking for donations or handouts. I'm asking a friend. But obviously you ladies don't have that in your lives or haven't had the ability to care about someone and how they feel on their wedding day so I can see this attempt to get some support or ideas from this community is ridiclously lame.
  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She sounds like a "best friend" what with all the hate.
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  • edited December 2011

    But your not asking about your wedding day. You are asking about showers and help planning and preparing for Your Big Day. Nobody ever said your MOH shouldn't be there on the wedding day. They said she isn't your wedding slave. Is your name Kim?

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  • aubrimaubrim member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I wasn't just talking about the showers and parties, people get that right? I'm talking about the past year of involvement in anything all the way to being there on the actual wedding day. This isnt about party mix ups. It's that it's foreshadowing a lack of intrest and I just wanted to see if anyone else had dealt with these sorts of situations. Damn it's easier to get an answer on google than on this forum.
  • edited December 2011
    Please tell me the search terms you entered into Google. Please!
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just because your wedding is a top priority to you, does not make it a top priority to your MOH or BM's.   You can't tell them to (or make them) prioritize YOUR wedding in any way shape or form.  No one cares about YOUR wedding as much as you. 

    And you admitted in your OP that your MOH has a 'crazy life'.  Not sure what that means, but it's her life.

    I'm a BM in my younger sister's wedding in November.  She's asked me to do a few things here and there.  I've been able to do some and not the others.  I'm five weeks away from having my first child, so that's my priority right now.  And my sister understands this.  I may or may not be involved much in the planning of anything and she's OK with that too. 

    But she doesn't take that as I don't 'support' her.  She knows I love her and her FI.  I just have a lot on my plate and can't make her wedding a priority.
  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_need-advice-moh-let-down-only-2-months-b4-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:49bdb072-b10c-4ab2-9d96-1ce1a8ab1b7aPost:b0e53866-29b6-4c8a-88e5-512765c53511">Re: Need Advice: MOH let down.. only 2 months b4 wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wasn't just talking about the showers and parties, people get that right? I'm talking about the past year of involvement in anything all the way to being there on the actual wedding day. This isnt about party mix ups. It's that it's foreshadowing a lack of intrest and I just wanted to see if anyone else had dealt with these sorts of situations. Damn it's easier to get an answer on google than on this forum.
    Posted by aubrim[/QUOTE]


    Well at my first wedding my MOH bought me some roses to carry the day of my wedding. That was the extent of her involvement, and I was fine with that.

    At my second wedding my MOH planned both the bachelor AND bachelorette party, a bridal shower, and how to be the most awesomest MOH ever with minimal  input. Of course she was also dealing with her own divorce, and I was aware of that, and we planned super-awesome-you-don't-need-him-anyway parties for her, that had nothing to do with my wedding.
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  • TenGrandTenGrand member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    wow, you people need to lay off the haterade. you're going to give yourselves aneurysms getting this upset at someone else's stress. 

    as i'm sure you're all aware, different people have different expectations for their wedding. from the sounds of the OP, this bride had certain expectations for the months leading up to her big day, and communicated this to the MOH. if the MOH has been flaking out and not responding to suggestions from the bride, then the bride has every right to confront the MOH. i'd be pissed too if i had banked on having help for certain tasks, and then to have that person bail, ESPECIALLY when you're planning on a tight budget and could really use the help assembling things and planning.

     aubrim, i would speak to your MOH again and tell her exactly how you feel. maybe she'd be willing to split the remaining tasks with your bridesmaids? i hope everything goes well.

    and kuus, more than aneurysms, if i were you, i'd worry about your negativity causing wrinkles since it's clearly not your charm and award-winning personality that helped you bag your unlucky spouse. i can't believe that anyone would ask you to be part of their wedding. shame on you for wishing this bride misfortune with two months before her big day. i hope your babies are born with flippers.
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_need-advice-moh-let-down-only-2-months-b4-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:49bdb072-b10c-4ab2-9d96-1ce1a8ab1b7aPost:c25ba42b-2384-489b-8149-c3eb39d8207e">Re: Need Advice: MOH let down.. only 2 months b4 wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]wow, you people need to lay off the haterade. you're going to give yourselves aneurysms getting this upset at someone else's stress.  as i'm sure you're all aware, different people have different expectations for their wedding. from the sounds of the OP, this bride had certain expectations for the months leading up to her big day, and communicated this to the MOH. if the MOH has been flaking out and not responding to suggestions from the bride, then the bride has every right to confront the MOH. i'd be pissed too if i had banked on having help for certain tasks, and then to have that person bail, ESPECIALLY when you're planning on a tight budget and could really use the help assembling things and planning.  aubrim, i would speak to your MOH again and tell her exactly how you feel. maybe she'd be willing to split the remaining tasks with your bridesmaids? i hope everything goes well.<strong> and kuus, more than aneurysms, if i were you, i'd worry about your negativity causing wrinkles since it's clearly not your charm and award-winning personality that helped you bag your unlucky spouse. i can't believe that anyone would ask you to be part of their wedding. shame on you for wishing this bride misfortune with two months before her big day. i hope your babies are born with flippers.</strong>
    Posted by TenGrand[/QUOTE]

    can't.breathe

    laughing.too.hard

    *ded*ded*ded*
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Wow, I think that's the most creative "I feel sorry for your husband you ugly hag" that we've ever had! 

    Congratulaitons, TenGrand! You win - well, nothing, obviously, because it's far more likely you'll have an aneurysm from taking everything so fcking seriously. Snark. It's what's for dinner. Maybe you should pull a chair up to the table and try to learn about it. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Do stingrays have flippers?
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  • TenGrandTenGrand member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    baconsmom:
    will you teach me the ways of internet sarcasm? surely, with your near-5000 posts on a wedding message board, you must be some sort of divine internet goddess. i mean, you have a meme in your singature!!11 w1nnarrr!!1111

    there's a difference between being snarky and being cruel. and some of these responses are downright cruel.


  • **O-Face****O-Face** member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow.  Methinks *someone* made up a new profile.  Hmmm.
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