fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(

aro1589 · May 2012

So, I know there are a lot of name changing threads, but since everyone's situation is different, I thought you all could give me advice on my particular situation.

I know I want to keep my maiden name....either hyphenate it or make it my middle name.

Everyone (my family AND my fiance) are completely against it. My fiance says it is disrespectful. I could see if I wanted to keep my name and not use his at all, but that's not the case. He is 100% against hyphenating it and thinks making my maiden name my middle name is stupid.

My family thinks it's dumb because I'm not professionally established and therefore have "no need" to hang on to my maiden name. But, it's been my name for 23 years! I don't want to lose my identity just because I get married. I also have a very common Jewish last name (my dad is Jewish) and although I wasn't raised Jewish, I want to hold on to my Jewish heritage.

I feel like hyphenating or making it my middle name ARE compromises, but he is being stubborn. If it's that important to him, should I just take his name and leave mine out completely?

I should add even if I did hyphenate it, our kids would just have his name. It would only be my name that's hyphenated. And middle names are pretty pointless (my mom doesn't even have one!) so what would it matter if I changed it to my maiden name? Why is he being so difficult?! he's so laid back and the perfect guy, he never acts like this. some guys must really be old fashioned when it comes to their name!

Finally, he has a very uncommon name that I'm not crazy about AND I'm not at all close w/ his family, so I have no desire to strictly be "Mrs. B". We've been engaged 4 years (wedding in 5 months!) and never once have I thought of being Alexis Marie B. I always saw it as Alexis R-B or Alexis R B.

SO. What should I do? let him have his way or stand firm? a name is just a name after all, does it REALLY matter either way?

Avion22 · May 2012

What you choose to do is entirely up to you.

Some perspective: changing your name is NOT "losing your identity." You will always be YOU no matter what name you use. I changed my name for my first marriage. It took some time to get used to, but it was still me. With my second husband, I'm planning on doing First Maiden Last (and ditching my old middle name, which I never used for anything), because I'm older and am professionally established with my maiden name. But you don't have to be "professionally established" to have a connection to your maiden name -- your reasons (family history and heritage) as just as valid.

The bottom line is that it's your name and it's your decision. I don't understand why he has a problem with you taking his last name, but using your maiden name as your middle name (or even second middle name?). He IS being stubborn. Honestly, I would have reservations about marrying someone who is so controlling over an issue like a name, especially when I think you've come up with some great compromises, and he won't even contemplate the notion of meeting you half-way.

aro1589 · May 2012

It's such a strange situation because he is honestly the LEAST controlling guy ever - I mean seriously. In college, I'd go out, leave my ring at home for safe keeping/to get free drinks (he didn't care and just thought it was silly, but I've grown up a lot since then and wouldn't dream of doing that now!), not call, crash at a friends, come home the next day and he'd just ask me if I had a good time.
The only thing I can think of is that because his name is unusual, he's super proud of it? I feel like he is being ridiculously old-fashioned.

Lisa50 · May 2012

Sweetheart, do what YOU want. It is your name. Period.

It seems odd that your FI has waited until now to voice his opinion, but ... if he is actually using the word "stupid" to refer to your opinion (any opinion you have, not just on this topic), there may bigger issues looming under the surface than just this particular issue.

Honestly, you should not have to work to change his mind. There is no need for him to agree with your decision. He simply needs to accept it. And, as for your family, why don't they know you any better than this???

I wish you all the best. It sounds like a hornet's nest. Sorry!

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

I never understand how some men fell that it is disrespectful for women to keep their maiden name in one form or another. I agree with Lisa that there may be something more going on here but since your own family won't back you up on this, it may be that you are in a very traditional community. (I am originally from Cincinnati and once had an aunt respond to my teenage statement that I wouldn't change my name with "Oh, you'll see. When you're married you'll do whatever your husband tells you to do." My response was to turn to her daughter and ask if she just heard that bull****).

I would ask him to list out the reasons why he is so against this and that disrespectful needs to be explained in full detail (I'll bet he can't do this). Have your list ready to go and let him and your family know in no uncertain detail that it is your name and nobody else has any right to tell you what to do with it any more than you have the right to tell him to change his name to yours or a hyphenated version of the two of them together.

JoanE2012 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:3d14161f-bcb6-4862-9690-4196b8c94da0">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Sweetheart, do what YOU want. It is your name. Period</strong>. It seems odd that your FI has waited until now to voice his opinion, but ... if he is actually using the word " stupid " to refer to your opinion (any opinion you have, not just on this topic), there may bigger issues looming under the surface than just this particular issue. Honestly, you should not have to work to change his mind. There is no need for him to agree with your decision. He simply needs to accept it. And, as for your family, why don't they know you any better than this??? I wish you all the best. It sounds like a hornet's nest. Sorry!
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

When you get married, it is no longer just about YOU. There should be a compromise, and the OP and her FI need to work that out.

Annas2013 · May 2012

I can understand him not wanting to hyphenate. I personally don't like hyphenated names, but some people do. I don't judge when someone has one. It's their name, their decision. I think you and he need to compromise, but I have no idea why he won't compromise if you took his last name and kept your maiden name. That's what I'm doing and my FI has no problem with it. Sit down and ask what about it is disrespectful to him, and see if there is any way you can compromise. Explain why you want to keep your maiden name, and he should listen.

mrskristinyc · May 2012

It's YOUR name. He should respect you enough to let you keep it (especially since you're perfectly willing to have your maiden name as a middle name!!!).

He thinks it's disrespectful to HIM for you to want to keep your name?!?! What about him being disrepectful to you, saying that your name doesn't matter?!? Has he given any other reasons for why he doesn't want you to keep your name? The main reason people give is so that everyone in the family has the same last name when you have kids, but it sounds like you've already addressed that.

I want to change my name (my fiance has a cool last name, and don't like hyphenated names), but my fiance has said that I can do whatever I want, because it's MY name. I'm the one who will have to introduce myself and sign it.

SD210 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:65a76a24-68ce-4e36-931a-1a2bd46d3b0e">fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE] Why is he being so difficult?! he's so laid back and the perfect guy, he never acts like this. <strong> some guys must really be old fashioned when it comes to their name!</strong>
Posted by aro1589[/QUOTE]

But the thing is, it's not his name, it's YOUR name. You are the one who has to sign this name and be called by this name for the rest of your life. Frankly, I have no idea why he would care what your middle name was, particularly if you are taking his name as your last name. If anyone should be hurt about dropping "Marie" as your middle it should be the people who gave it to you (your family). It seems to me like you have offered a compromise (taking his last name, keeping your maiden as a middle name) but he is not budging. He is the one not compromising at this point. Is he going to be like this for every major decision in the future (decisions about kids, where to live, etc.?) You may have to address the bigger issue here, which to me is the fact that he's not willing to compromise.

Sure, when you are married it is not all about you. But it also is not all about him. Why does he not want you to hold on to your heritage?

larnen · May 2012

Maybe he feels like not totally changing your name to his is some sort of rejection of him? It's your name, and you are the one that has to live with it, sign it, say it, etc. I would just try to explain that you love him, love his name, but just want to keep your maiden name for you.

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:dd09e224-804c-4187-acc3-f58658031295">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :( : When you get married, it is no longer just about YOU. There should be a compromise, and the OP and her FI need to work that out.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

I just can't get behind this sentiment when it comes to something as personal as my own name. Children? Sure. Who does the housework? Absolutely. What I plan to call myself? I just don't see how that's anyone's business but my own.

OP - you really have to do what is right for you. I did not change my name. I found it deeply unsettling to go into the social security office and legally ask for my name to be changed. I was born, my parents gave me a name, and that is my name for life. I choose to go by his name socially (I happily answer to Mrs. HisLastName), but legally I will always be Ms. MyLastName or Dr. MyLastName.

I suppose in the end it's up to you if you want to make this stand with him. You have every right to and I would hope that adults would have enough sense to understand where you are coming from. But, I am not in your relationship so I can't make that decision for you.

Good luck.

MyNameIsNot · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:dd09e224-804c-4187-acc3-f58658031295">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :( : When you get married, it is no longer just about YOU. There should be a compromise, and the OP and her FI need to work that out.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

<div>Her name is about her. It's her name, her identity. She doesn't have to compromise. I'll bet his head would spin around in circles if she told him he needed to change his name to please her. The compromise is that she makes the decision about her name and he makes the decision about his name. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, there's really nothing you can do to convince him. Stop trying. Say "I understand that you feel that way, but I don't. This is my name, and I will do what I want with it. I hope that you respect me and my right to make decisions enough to drop it." </div>

polkadotpeony11 · May 2012

The play The Crucible has a scene in which the main character is faced with a choice - signing a confession of witchcraft or being put to death. When he refuses to sign his name, other characters question his choice. He responds, "Because it is my name! Because I cannot have another in my life! ... I have given you my soul; leave me my name!" This quote is one of the most famous from the play, in part for the way it links a person's name to his (or her) subjectivity - recognition as a person. There are many things that people should be willing on compromise on, but one's subjectivity is somthing they should never compromise to another. Give your future spouse your heart and your soul. But do not surrender your name if you do not wish to do so.

Lisa50 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:dd09e224-804c-4187-acc3-f58658031295">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :( : When you get married, it is no longer just about YOU. There should be a compromise, and the OP and her FI need to work that out.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

At the risk of taking this post in another direction for a nano-second, there will be times in your (JoanE) marriage that there will <u>not</u> be compromise. Either you will do what your husband wants or he will do what you want. That's the way it is.

Back to my (and others') earlier point, this particular decision is OP's decision to make. It is about <em>her</em> name. It is <em>her</em> decision. She does <u>not</u> have to compromise. Yet, even though she has offered an elegant compromise, her FI has tagged it as "<strong>stupid</strong>." Something's wrong -- and it's not just about name change.

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:dd09e224-804c-4187-acc3-f58658031295">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :( : When you get married, it is no longer just about YOU. There should be a compromise, and the OP and her FI need to work that out.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

What compromise exactly do you propose since he is taking a my way or no way approach?

littleluckypenny · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:dd09e224-804c-4187-acc3-f58658031295">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :( : When you get married, it is no longer just about YOU. There should be a compromise, and the OP and her FI need to work that out.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

But it's HER name. Not her FI's, not her mom, or her family. HERS. She is the one that will have it on her license, she is the one that will answer to it and write it on all legal documents. It's HER decision. Her partner should respect that.

littleluckypenny · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:5a60e6cd-fb1a-4361-91a9-327b170b9eaf">Re:fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :</a>:
[QUOTE] I understand if a guy has a preference, but not making a demand over it. Honestly, if it were me, I'd ask him to think long and hard about whether having a wife who didn't keep her maiden name was worth having that wife not be me. I'm all about compromise, but this isn't compromising, it's control issues. And even if he's never shown them before, it would be a big problem for me.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<strong>THIS.</strong>

aro1589 · May 2012

Lots of input! thanks guys

He is really agaisnt hyphenating it. I would do it, but that would give me an awfully long last name and probably end up causing a lot of confusion, which is why I'm leaning towards having my current last name be my middle name. I don't think he will fight me on, but he won't be happy about it and does think it's silly. My dad thinks it's silly too, saying "you already have the middle name we gave you."

I'm about to just say whatever and do what I WANT. When it's all said and done, people will be less likely to voice their opinions once it's a done deal. tbh, I could take my maiden name as my middle name and I bet my fiance wouldn't notice for months.

JoanE2012 · May 2012

Name changes (and how many children, how to raise kids, etc) should be one of those things talked about BEFORE getting engaged. Now you have two people who can't come to an agreement. Even if it's the FI's "fault" because he won't compromise, is the OP willing to break off the engagement? Because if FI doesn't budge and OP doesn't want to take just his name, then it seems like there is no other alternative.

On a related note, I can't believe so many people associate their identity with their name. You name does not define you. If it does, that's sad.

acaponi87 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:832322c0-e38a-4a39-821e-0ad9a3536ac8">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Lots of input! thanks guys :) He is really agaisnt hyphenating it. I would do it, but that would give me an awfully long last name and probably end up causing a lot of confusion, which is why I'm leaning towards having my current last name be my middle name. I don't think he will fight me on, but he won't be happy about it and does think it's silly. My dad thinks it's silly too, saying "you already have the middle name we gave you." I'm about to just say whatever and do what I WANT. When it's all said and done, people will be less likely to voice their opinions once it's a done deal. <strong>tbh, I could take my maiden name as my middle name and I bet my fiance wouldn't notice for months. </strong>
Posted by aro1589[/QUOTE]

Probably, but I feel like that's being a bit dishonest and just delaying the inevitable. If I were you, I'd probably go the route you were discussing and take my maiden as my middle and take his name as your last.

Then I would tell him (yes, before the wedding):

"Hi FI. I just wanted to let you know that I've reached a decision on what I'll be doing with my name. My name I've had my whole life is very important to me so I"ll be keeping it as my middle name and taking your family name for my last. I'm really excited to be part of your family. "

Like PP's have said it's your name and you have compromised on the matter. If he still fights you after you phrase it as you've made a decision then honestly I'd be hesitant to walk down the aisle.

aro1589 · May 2012

"Even if it's the FI's "fault" because he won't compromise, is the OP willing to break off the engagement?"

Really?? Of course not. We disagree about it, but it's not THAT big of a deal. Even if I never changed my name at all and just kept my maiden name, it wouldn't break us up. We've been engaged 4 years. And he has always known I want to keep my name in some form. And in all the discussions we've never once thought about calling it off.

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:84917744-3191-4892-88a3-4974ebe8c4f2">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Name changes (and how many children, how to raise kids, etc) should be one of those things talked about BEFORE getting engaged. Now you have two people who can't come to an agreement. <strong>Even if it's the FI's "fault" because he won't compromise, is the OP willing to break off the engagement? Because if FI doesn't budge and OP doesn't want to take just his name, then it seems like there is no other alternative</strong>. On a related note, I can't believe so many people associate their identity with their name. You name does not define you. If it does, that's sad.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

Hence why this is a control issue. It is not his name. He is not the one who will be using it. It is not OP who would be breaking off the negagement over it if it comes to that; he will be the one doing that.

As for your statement that it is sad if people feel their name is their identity, it damn well is for me. I spent years building my reputation in the legal community. It is the name on my undergrad degree, my law school degree and all of my Supreme Court Certificates, not to mention countless court cases where I served as legal counsel. I have to practice under my legal name so there was never any doubt that I would not change it. Thankfully, I married a man who assumed from the outset that I would keep my name and he is man enough to be okay with that.

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:84917744-3191-4892-88a3-4974ebe8c4f2">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE] I can't believe so many people associate their identity with their name. You name does not define you. If it does, that's sad.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

::rolls eyes::

My name is part of me just as much as my hair color, eye color and personality. This statement is just idiotic.

JoanE2012 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:c24cc997-88af-4247-83ca-f6efe9c4cc26">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]"Even if it's the FI's "fault" because he won't compromise, is the OP willing to break off the engagement?" Really?? Of course not. We disagree about it,<strong> but it's not THAT big of a deal.</strong> Even if I never changed my name at all and just kept my maiden name, it wouldn't break us up. We've been engaged 4 years. And he has always known I want to keep my name in some form. And in all the discussions we've never once thought about calling it off.
Posted by aro1589[/QUOTE]

LOL. Seriously? Then just keep your name! You make it sound like the FI just won't have it any other way than just his last name.

[Deleted User] · May 2012

I definitely agree with Avion22, I think that he is just being too controlling and stubborn, if keeping your last name in some way is important to you I do not see a problem with using it as your middle name. Girl go for it and if he loves you he will get over it.

entropicbeauty · May 2012

DISRESPECTFUL to want to keep your own name? This deeply offends me being that I'm keeping my own maiden name and didn't even consider taking my FI's last name. How insulting that he doesn't give YOU the respect to make your own decisions regarding your name.

I think you should seriously talk with him about the reasons your maiden name is important to you and he should absolutely respect your decision. It sounds like you're pretty set on keeping it as part of your name in some way and I would stand your ground on this.

jemmini6 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:84917744-3191-4892-88a3-4974ebe8c4f2">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Name changes (and how many children, how to raise kids, etc) should be one of those things talked about BEFORE getting engaged. Now you have two people who can't come to an agreement. <strong>Even if it's the FI's "fault" because he won't compromise, is the OP willing to break off the engagement? </strong> Because if FI doesn't budge and OP doesn't want to take just his name, then it seems like there is no other alternative. On a related note, <strong> I can't believe so many people associate their identity with their name. You name does not define you. If it does, that's sad.</strong>
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

If my H told me "you either change your name, or I won't marry you", then HE would be the one breaking off the engagement, not me. And I would have been okay with that because there's no way I could commit my life to someone who is that selfish and controlling that would refuse to marry me over something that superficial and petty. MY name is MY name, it has nothing to do with who you are marrying, you are marrying that person for the relationship, not the name. I didn't tell my H he had to change his name, therefore, he has no right to tell me to change mine.

And really, who the f*ck are you to judge how other people feel about their names? It's none of your damn business, and for you to say that it's "sad" is what's unbelievable. I think it's "sad" that you put so much stock into other people's names. You don't feel your identity is tied to your name? Good for you (and FTR, I agree with you), but you have no right to dictate that everyone should feel the same way. What a stupid thing to judge people on....

OP - I think you are making a great compromise. I think you need to just tell your FI "this is what I'm doing, and it's important to me that I have your support, so I'd appreciate it if you could just accept this and move on". It's fine that he thinks it's silly, so you don't have to explain yourself or try to change his mind, all that's important is that he supports you whether he understands it or not.

JoanE2012 · May 2012

When I say identity I mean who you are on the inside, what makes you YOU...what makes you tick, what makes you successful, what makes you a great mother, what makes you a best friend, what makes you a loving wife.....none of that stuff changes (or at least I would hope not!) if you change your name. If I decide to change my name, nothing about me personally will change. I would still be the same person I was yesterday, just with a different last name.

And no, I don't put "so much stock into other people's names".I don't give a rat's a** what anyone does with their name. I just didn't understand why people thought that their last name defined who they were. I backed up my opinion with the paragraph above. JUST MY OPINION. You don't have to agree with it.

LetsHikeToday · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:b1c022fe-30ed-4df3-916b-cedd49d8ba60">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]When I say identity I mean who you are on the inside, what makes you YOU...what makes you tick, what makes you successful, what makes you a great mother, what makes you a best friend, what makes you a loving wife.....none of that stuff changes (or at least I would hope not!) if you change your name. If I decide to change my name, nothing about me personally will change. I would still be the same person I was yesterday, just with a different last name. And no, I don't put "so much stock into other people's names".I don't give a rat's a** what anyone does with their name. I just didn't understand why people thought that their last name defined who they were. I backed up my opinion with the paragraph above. JUST MY OPINION. You don't have to agree with it.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

<div>So, going with your advice in this thread, then she shouldn't have to change her name at all. If a name has nothing to do with identity then screw her FI and keep the name. It goes both ways. I think it's absolutely ridiculous you are saying she isn't compromising. She is changing her name. He isn't. End of story.</div><div>
</div><div>OP- I'd be pissed if my H told me what my middle name should or shouldn't be. It isn't his middle name. I'm one that does miss my middle name and there would be major issues if my H told me it was disrespectful to have my maiden name as my middle name.</div>

JoanE2012 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:5d1bbece-dbf0-44b4-8b15-ca428c38ff1c">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :( : So, going with your advice in this thread, then she shouldn't have to change her name at all. If a name has nothing to do with identity then screw her FI and keep the name. It goes both ways. I think it's absolutely ridiculous you are saying she isn't compromising. She is changing her name. He isn't. End of story. OP- I'd be pissed if my H told me what my middle name should or shouldn't be. It isn't his middle name. I'm one that does miss my middle name and there would be major issues if my H told me it was disrespectful to have my maiden name as my middle name.
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

I think she could do whatever she wants! And I don't recall ever saying the OP wasn't compromising. In one of my earlier posts I said, "There should be a compromise, and the OP and her FI need to work that out." OP offered her compromise, now the FI needs to step up and offer his.....and that's what they need to work out.

Please read my posts before accusing me of being ridicoulous for something I never said.

melisrodis · May 2012

In Response to fiance wants me to abandon maiden name

:

Is it a full moon or something now? There is a lot of drama on the boards recently! Or maybe I just haven't been prowling enough of the boards to get a real idea.

Anyway, if this helps at all, the FI and I are having a similar issue but the opposite. And for those of you snipers out there, yes, we have spoken about it and discussed it and he respects my opinion and I respect his. He doesn't want me to change names. He thinks it's unnecessary and old fashioned. His mom didn't take his dad's name when they married, etc, etc. I, on other hand, want to take his name. The primary reason is that I want any kids we may have to have the same last name as me. And FI wants them to have his name.

We both understand where the other is coming from -- and he will defer to me as it is my name.

Our solution is a tradition in my culture. When married, the woman's maiden name becomes a second middle name (used only in official documents and rarely more often than that). So when she gets married, her name becomes first-middle-maiden-married. Her kids also keep her maiden name as their second middle name. So my mom's name is first-middle-maiden-married and my name is first-middle-mom's maiden-mom's married/dad's. When I get married, I will drop my mom's maiden name and it will become first-middle-maiden/dad's-married. So my kids will have my maiden name in their name until they some day marry. I like the idea that we, as a family, will all have the same LAST NAME, but that each kid's name will also reflect my family and who I descended from as well. And then when they start their own families, their names will change slightly but still reflect the family they came from.

It is just an idea I wanted to share in case it was helpful to anyone.

You also said your parents felt it was silly since you already had a middle name. if you choose to, you can keep your given middle name and your maiden name. If you so choose.

Like many PPs have said, it is up to you. Obviously you will not be ending an engagement over this (neither will I), but it is a serious conversation that involves people's identities and concepts they've held dear without even realizing it.

My FI thinks it's 'silly' for a woman to take her husband's name just as your FI think it's 'silly' for you to make your maiden name as your middle name. It is a poor choice of words - and a little insensitive on their parts, but you know he will respect your decision. Take some time, explain it to your FI and stand by what you think is right.

fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(

Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(

Choose Another Board

Search Boards