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Not Engaged Yet
brewergirl
member
Ring drama...need solution.
My BF & I are thisclose to being officially engaged. We've been talking about it for a few months, and we just went shopping-looking for the first time. We didn't discuss a budget ahead of time, and we probably should have. I found a setting online that I love, and would like to find something similar in a brick & mortar store. With a completely reasonable (.6 carat) stone, the e-ring was about $1800 and the wedding band was $800. I know that you shouldn't compare to your friends, but this is at the lower end of average for my social group, except for a few people who got married when they were 19.
When we were shopping and he looked like he was going to throw up at some of the $3K sale prices, he mentioned that he was thinking more along the lines of $500. And my heart stopped. We have good jobs, but he has a lot more in his budget than I do - he owns his own condo, and has car payments and a bit of credit card debt that he's paying down. He's from a small town where he says that most of his coworkers got their wedding rings from walmart or costco for under $800 - for the set. And he actually asked me who I was trying to impress. All I could think of saying is "myself!" Oh, and he asked me why I thought I needed "the rock" - because I was looking at a 3/5 stone.
I love this man so much, and I'm so upset because I feel like one of these demanding girls that REQUIRES a certain size stone if she'll marry you. But I'd rather marry him with no ring at all, than marry him with a ring from the promise ring section. Please tell me that you guys have some words of advice!!
When we were shopping and he looked like he was going to throw up at some of the $3K sale prices, he mentioned that he was thinking more along the lines of $500. And my heart stopped. We have good jobs, but he has a lot more in his budget than I do - he owns his own condo, and has car payments and a bit of credit card debt that he's paying down. He's from a small town where he says that most of his coworkers got their wedding rings from walmart or costco for under $800 - for the set. And he actually asked me who I was trying to impress. All I could think of saying is "myself!" Oh, and he asked me why I thought I needed "the rock" - because I was looking at a 3/5 stone.
I love this man so much, and I'm so upset because I feel like one of these demanding girls that REQUIRES a certain size stone if she'll marry you. But I'd rather marry him with no ring at all, than marry him with a ring from the promise ring section. Please tell me that you guys have some words of advice!!
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Re: Ring drama...need solution.
You and your boyfriend need to sit down and have a frank talk about what you want. You need to let him know what you're looking for in styles and cuts. Go online and find some samples that you really love. In the end it's up to him what he buys and he really shouldn't be telling you anyways (most people don't know the price of the gifts they recieve).
The price of the ring really shouldn't matter!!! Let him know what you think is nice and the rest is up to him. Besides, how will you know what section it's from in the end anyways...and why does it really matter? Isn't the important thing is that you're agreeing to spend your lives together - it should be about your relationship not about the ring!
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Also, for the record, I've seen some girls with some pretty nice rings from Costco/BJs. It's worth a look.
[QUOTE]My BF & I are thisclose to being officially engaged. We've been talking about it for a few months, and we just went shopping-looking for the first time. We didn't discuss a budget ahead of time, and we probably should have. I found a setting online that I love, and would like to find something similar in a brick & mortar store. With a completely reasonable (.6 carat) stone, the e-ring was about $1800 and the wedding band was $800. I know that you shouldn't compare to your friends, but this is at the lower end of average for my social group, except for a few people who got married when they were 19. When we were shopping and he looked like he was going to throw up at some of the $3K sale prices, he mentioned that he was thinking more along the lines of $500. And my heart stopped. We have good jobs, but he has a lot more in his budget than I do - he owns his own condo, and has car payments and a bit of credit card debt that he's paying down. He's from a small town where he says that most of his coworkers got their wedding rings from walmart or costco for under $800 - for the set. And he actually asked me who I was trying to impress. All I could think of saying is "myself!" Oh, and he asked me why I thought I needed "the rock" - because I was looking at a 3/5 stone. I love this man so much, and I'm so upset because I feel like one of these demanding girls that REQUIRES a certain size stone if she'll marry you. But I'd rather marry him with no ring at all, than marry him with a ring from the promise ring section. Please tell me that you guys have some words of advice!!
Posted by brewergirl[/QUOTE]
I think you're overreacting. My center stone in my ring is 1/5 carat. My sisters accent stones are bigger than my center stone. Do I care? No. I know some people will judge, but I love my ring and that is all that matters to me. My FI and I went looking for the perfect ring, and we found it. My FI is in a design field and just would not accept a plain band with a rock stuck on it, so we looked and looked for the perfect ring and the perfect ring just happened to be designed so that a bigger stone would not fit in the setting.
What matters anyway is the relationship. Some trinket, whether $500 or $5000 doesn't matter, the relationship is what matters. If that is solid, it really doesn't matter what the jewelry looks like. Just get plain bands and skip the engagement ring if you don't like the idea of a small diamond. That way no one will judge your small stone. JMHO. Take it or leave it.
I agree with you that you shouldn't compare ring costs (or any costs) with your friends. BUT neither should he. The two of you should talk about what he/you can afford regardless of what other people spent or where they made their purchases. I know when my FI first started looking at rings he had no idea how much they could cost. But we talked about it and he decided that he was only going to purchase an engagement ring once in his life and he wanted it to be exactly what I wanted even if it meant spending a little more (still within his means though). Has your BF thought of it like this?
If it turns out that your FI's budget is still not enough to purchase the ring that you love I can think of two suggestions. First, FI and I found the ring I loved at a mall chain. We then had it custom made almost exactly (except better) for over $3000 less than what the mall ring cost. You could try that. And second, you could purchase from a jeweler that has a trade up policy. That way you can buy a ring now that is in your FI's budget and then in a few years when you have more money you can trade in the ring and apply its value toward a new stone or setting.
Like people always say, if you love your BF, you most likely will love whatever he gives you. And anyone who would judge you based on how much your ring costs really isn't worth worrying about.
Look into the "4 C's" of diamonds and figure out two that are most important to you. Find some pics of rings you like and show your BF. Explain what you'd like. Then let him figure out his budget and don't be snobby about where he finds your ring.
Mine was not what I envisioned, but I can't imagine any other ring on my finger now. Heck, I didn't even want a diamond! But FI chose this for me, and he asked me to marry him, and the ring doesn't even matter much.
Chill out, do some research, and talk to him about the budget to see what he can comfortably afford. Sounds like he's got a lot of bills on his plate. He may not be anxious to add another. Maybe he just wants to get something he can afford up-front, and that is so totally reasonable.
This is just the beginning of the financial discussions you guys will have. Be grateful to have a guy who is sensible about what he can afford, and not trying to live beyond his means.
You guys need to be able to talk frankly about financial decisions and come to solutions you can both live with if you are to have a successful, lifelong union. So get practicing now!
It's TOTALLY okay to want a larger diamond for no other reason than that you think it's pretty -- IF it's something you can reasonably afford or save for in a timeframe you're both happy with.
[QUOTE] When we were shopping and he looked like he was going to throw up at some of the $3K sale prices, he mentioned that he was thinking more along the lines of $500. And my heart stopped. We have good jobs, but he has a lot more in his budget than I do - he owns his own condo, and has car payments and a bit of credit card debt that he's paying down. He's from a small town where he says that most of his coworkers got their wedding rings from walmart or costco for under $800 - for the set. And he actually asked me who I was trying to impress. All I could think of saying is "myself!" Oh, and he asked me why I thought I needed "the rock" - because I was looking at a 3/5 stone. I love this man so much, and I'm so upset because I feel like one of these demanding girls that REQUIRES a certain size stone if she'll marry you. But I'd rather marry him with no ring at all, than marry him with a ring from the promise ring section. Please tell me that you guys have some words of advice!!
Posted by brewergirl[/QUOTE]
Not to be all Debbie Downer on you, but it might not be a bad idea to wait a bit longer for your ring. You can be engaged without a ring, but his budget is really full and he is making a very smart financial decision by thinking about payments. His debt situation concerns me, and I would think concerns you too. You two need to have a heart to heart not just about E-ring budget, but a budget in general. And please whatever you do, do NOT co-sign any of that debt.
If it is not in budget now, you can always get a "less pricey" ring now, and upgrade the stone when the budget allows. Is it really worth having a "big rock" if it means starting your marriage off under additional financial strain (given that is one of the biggest areas of conflict for many couples)?
And, if you would rather not have an e-ring at all over what he is thinking, then don't have an e-ring. You don't need one to be engaged. Plenty of women choose not to have an e-ring for various reasons, even if the budget does "allow" for it. You can always get a ring down the road further into the engagement, or for an anniversary after the wedding, or never.
P.S. Costco has some beautiful rings!
All I really wanted to add is that my ring was free (it's an heirloom), and we're taking it to be appraised next month. It's not very large, and I wouldn't be surprised if it appraised at less than $500. I'm not going to care, we're really just getting it done for insurance purposes in case it turns out to be a really pricey ring for some reason.
All our friends are getting engaged now too, and they're all getting huge, expensive rings. FI asked me if I regretted using the ring we did, and I wanted to slap him. Instead I calmly told him that I love my ring, but more importantly I love him, and I love the fact that we were able to use the money he'd saved to fix our home when it fell apart, rather than on another piece of jewelry I didn't need. Your BF seems to have his priorities in order. Paying on the house and car so he doesn't acquire more debt, and paying off the debt he already has, is more important than buying an expensive piece of jewelry.
You can always do as pp said and wear nothing but the bands when you get married until you have enough money to upgrade to a larger diamond. My mom and FMIL only wear their bands anyway because they've both been married 30+ years and no longer feel the need to prove anything to anyone. I *hope* that that's me one day.
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Also - you need to look around more. Is there a Diamonds Direct near you? You could try there. If there's not, keep looking. Maybe find something antique (from an antique store, or an estate sale) that has history.
In order to cut my ring budget, I decided to only have one ring that would serve as both an engagement and wedding ring.
I went down to an L, SI1 diamond. (which my friend says is white, I have not seen the ring yet).
You could for example get a good/very good L SI2 diamond .90k for 1200. http://www.solomonbrothers.com/DiamondDetail.aspx?sku=39F39FY6&affiliate=9318613A-AD0C-4530-A456-0409DFEFB8DE&AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1
and get the diamond put in a custom ring designed by a local jeweler. (All you have to do is find a picture of the ring you want and they will custom make it for you).
Going to a jeweler that does not spend loads of money on advertising can cut the cost by 500/1000 dollars. (Or at least it did for me).
I understand the importance of a ring to you, and I recommend not settling, but compromising, I bet you can get a bigger and nicer ring on your current budget.
Check out pricescope.com their forum on Rockytalky, can help you optimize your budget. But I must warn you, they are snobs there, and don't get caught up in needing an IDEAL or hearts and arrows diamond. A very good cut diamond will sparkle just fine.
Like you said you love him and would marry him with or without a ring so dont stress over this. If he loves you and knows you he will get you something that he knows you will love and cherish. and because you love him the ring that he gives you when he proposes will be priceless to you no matter what it cost because its the ring HE proposed with.
Good Luck hun!
I agree with the pps that it needs to be something that you both are comfortable with. It's not worth entering into this journey with extra debt or feelings of resentment. While I totally understand the allure of diamonds, having one does not make your engagement any more 'real' nor does it mean your FI loves you more.
I really liked what someone said about choosing 2 of the 4 c's that are most important to you. There is great value and there are beautiful stones to be found in a near colorless (G-J), SI1 or SI2 diamond. Many people who buy an SI - I clarity diamond actually love the inclusions in their diamond, because it makes it unique. IMO cut is the most important of the 4 c's, because that's what gives you the sparkle that you're probably after. An ideal cut can make a smaller diamond appear larger than another of the same size with a lower cut grade. The cut can also make a difference in how a diamond with slight color looks. Another thing to keep in mind is flourescence. If you have a slight blue flourescence, it can counteract some of the yellow tints in most lights.
Having worked in chain stores, I have found that the prices are often better online. They don't have the same staffing, insurance and rental costs that brick and mortar stores do, so they often pass those savings onto the consumer.
Also as pps have said, have you considered gemstones? I'm currently debating that one myself, as I really love sapphires, but am unsure if I want one for my e-ring.
Sorry that was so long, but I hope it helps!
Good luck!
[QUOTE]Im new to the boards <strong>but I dont think you should know the price of the ring at all.</strong> if I were you I would sit down with him discuss what you would like and them let him decide what he can afford to get you. After all the ring is only a symbol of what really matters which is that you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together. The price of the ring doesnt mean that he loves you any more or less. Like you said you love him and would marry him with or without a ring so dont stress over this. If he loves you and knows you he will get you something that he knows you will love and cherish. and because you love him the ring that he gives you when he proposes will be priceless to you no matter what it cost because its the ring HE proposed with. Good Luck hun!
Posted by andrewsgirl745[/QUOTE]
Yes why should we worry our pretty little heads with knowing what things cost? I have too much cooking and cleaning to do anyway.
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It doesn't make you less of a person simply because it does matter to you.
But I will agree with most of the comments on here that suggest that you sit down and have a serious discussion with your BF. Find out what his reasoning is. If it's because of his existing debt or logical budgetary concerns, you can work to figure out a compromise (wait for the perfect ring, or find a good deal you're willing to live with.) However, if it's because he just doesn't think it's WORTH spending that much... that's another issue entirely.
Some guys just don't understand why the ring matters to us. Explain that not only is it a symbol, but it's also something you're likely going to be wearing for the rest of your life. Explain that you want it to fit your style and show who the two of you are as a couple. If he still doesn't get it, compare it to a TV (this works really well if he has a nice, large flat-screen). Yes, you can survive with a smaller, simpler one... but if you're going to be looking at it THAT often, you might as well buy the best that you can reasonably afford
[QUOTE]In order to cut my ring budget, I decided to only have one ring that would serve as both an engagement and wedding ring. I went down to an L, SI1 diamond. (which my friend says is white, I have not seen the ring yet). You could for example get a good/very good L SI2 diamond .90k for 1200. <a href="http://www.solomonbrothers.com/DiamondDetail.aspx?sku=39F39FY6&affiliate=9318613A-AD0C-4530-A456-0409DFEFB8DE&AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1" rel="nofollow">http://www.solomonbrothers.com/DiamondDetail.aspx?sku=39F39FY6&affiliate=9318613A-AD0C-4530-A456-0409DFEFB8DE&AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1</a> and get the diamond put in a custom ring designed by a local jeweler. (All you have to do is find a picture of the ring you want and they will custom make it for you). Going to a jeweler that does not spend loads of money on advertising can cut the cost by 500/1000 dollars. (Or at least it did for me). I understand the importance of a ring to you, and I recommend not settling, but compromising, I bet you can get a bigger and nicer ring on your current budget. Check out pricescope.com their forum on Rockytalky, can help you optimize your budget. But I must warn you, they are snobs there, and don't get caught up in needing an IDEAL or hearts and arrows diamond. A very good cut diamond will sparkle just fine. :)
Posted by Norway_T[/QUOTE]<div>FWIW - an L is not white. If you put it on a white piece of paper, it would look yellow and dirty. I would not waste my money on an L for anything.
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