"Why rush into things?"

GreatB · March 2010

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine. After a conversation about relationships and whatnot, she said:
"I mean, if you know you are going to marry this person, then why rush into things?"
To which I replied:
"If you know you are going to marry this person, then why wait?"

Now, you can imagine that she could give more reasons than I could for our viewpoints: more time to "look around," get more money, better establish a career, making sure it is "the one," gaining more life experiences, time to travel around, not being tied down, etc. etc. etc. So I kinda lost my argument that seemed to be based on it "feeling right."

So now I am asking... why get married "young?"

[And also... what do you consider "young?" I grew up thinking that I was going to get married at 22 [just sounded right to my 10-year old mind], and now that we are planning to tie the knot at 24 I am still being told that I am "too young." When are you young? In my opinion, I guess below 25. I admit I am young.]

KD+BC · March 2010

There is no reason to wait if you are:

-Financially stable
-Able to communicate well
-Clear on your goals and values for the marriage
-Able to pay for your own wedding (you can't assume anyone will give you anything)
-Sure that you are right for each other

I'm sure there are more.

Personally, I kind of agree with your friend. Why risk "getting married young" if there is no reason to. Why rush into getting married? FI and I waited until I had the job I wanted (I was employed but not in the job I wanted) and are ready to start thinking about having kids. We are waiting until after we are married and as long as things go well (no surprise layoffs, house doens't need tons of work, etc.) we will do that after the wedding. We've been together for almost 5 years and have known we were right for each other and communicate well but weren't ready to get married until now. I'll be 26 and he will be 28 on our wedding day.

Ana_2985 · March 2010

In addition to what KD said, I would not want to get married until I had time to finish school or start my career (if schooling isn't required), lived on my own for awhile (no parents, no BF), and learned how to pay my own bills without having to rely on anyone. While it is possible for some people to accomplish this while they are young, these things usually take some time. In general I would consider someone young if they had not had at least some of these experiences.

While I agree with some of your friend's points, I believe that if you want time to "look around" and make sure he is " the one" then you don't KNOW you want to marry this person. So they sort of don't fit the argument.

samfish2bcrab · March 2010

You're going to be married to the same man for the rest of your life. get some different d!ck while you can.

SarahBethBR · March 2010

I am loving the vintage Sam sig.

I was a child bride, so I think circumstances are more important than age. But I do seriously regret not messing around with tons of guys before I got married.

katanne9 · March 2010

Dittos to KD and Ana.

This is kind of abstract: Something people often forget about is the "place" they are in as a couple and where you want to "be" when you're married. FI and I could have easily gotten married after 2.5 years of dating, but we've waited until it will be after 4 years. I'm so glad we waited because the place we're in as a couple is completely different. It's not about having all the appropriate ducks lined up in a row, it's about the season in which you are in.

Also, I am 24 as well. It feels young to me too. But just old enough that I'm not totally bonkers.

BobLoblaw · March 2010

You better hurry before your ovaries get too old.

buddhagouda · March 2010

Dude, I waited until I was 25, and now I'm a bitter 28 year old hag that hasn't even had a kid yet. You totally need to jump on that while you still can.

wingedbride · March 2010

There is no list of requirements that will solve the puzzle of "Should I get married"? People can meet all of them and still fukc things up.

yellowroseFRA · March 2010

I think you and your friend were talking about two different circumstances if you are young, in a good relationship but still want some "experience," that's a whole different thing from being in a relationship and being committed to continuing it for the rest of your life. But I'll admit, I don't think anyone can be in the second situation under a certain age, say 21, or before they have finished school. You're not a grownup at that point, and you can't be expected to deal with such an adult decision. On the other hand, I also don't understand waiting too long after both parties are financially stable and living together - there is a point at which you look at people with those relationships and think "why not get married already?". Or you realize that if they're still not ready, they aren't right for each other. BF and I are 27, but not yet working full-time, so we are not financially ready to be married - but once we start working, we have talked about not wanting to wait too much longer; we don't really see the point.

wingedbride · March 2010

how do you not have full time jobs at 27?

buddhagouda · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_rush-things?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43f4da41-37ac-4a9c-ac3b-e4b7dfb20f11Post:63fa50ec-b899-4b4f-99a8-02e006a3c294">Re: "Why rush into things?"</a>:
[QUOTE]how do you not have full time jobs at 27?
Posted by OranjeZwanger[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you. I was just about to ask that. </div>

yellowroseFRA · March 2010

We're grad students - and bc we suck at life

Narwhal · March 2010

I really don't see there being a certain age to being prepared to be married. I think some people don't need to experience new things, and that's just who they are. They find something they like and commit to keeping it for the rest of their lives. My parents got married when my mom was 17 (I would NOT recommend getting married even close to this age) and they've been together for almost 30 years now. I wouldn't say either of them missed out on much of anything.. they even lived all over the world for the beginning years of their marriage.

I think the problem is when people want to experience new things, and either settle for "well this is the best i can get, so i might as well lock it in" or think they will still be able to do that sort of stuff after they get married. Or see divorce as too much of an option.

desertsun · March 2010

I like what Narwhal had to say.

I don't think you need to have certain ducks in a row to have a fulfilling marriage.

But you do need to be honest about what each of your goals are for life and how marriage fits into that.

What if one person's career choice necessitates the other person leaving behind family? Or what if one person wants kids at x time, and the other doesn't?

Marriage isn't just about loving each other. I think a lot of it is figuring out how your goals and choices fit together and impact you as a couple and not just as individuals, and being able to talk about that honestly, and come to decisions together that each person can be happy with.

lisarose7 · March 2010

Statistically, couples who marry after the age of 25 have a better chance at staying together than couples who marry younger. Also, the most successful marriages happen when each person in the couple has spent at least 6-12 months of their adult life single. HOWEVER, these are not rules that are set in stone. My BM has been with her husband since she was 16 and married him when she was 22. She's now 31 and they're still happily married. According to the statistics, she beat the odds...and she had multiple strikes against her. She was never single as an adult, she married under the age of 25, and her e-ring is a marquis-cut diamond (women with marquis-cut diamonds are most likely to divorce). As long as you've thought your decision through and aren't just getting caught up in the romance of getting married, you're fine.

Thomas0725 · March 2010

Yeah, can't agree with lisarose7 more~!

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