Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts

smilesavy · June 2012

Through this whole process of planning a wedding and registering and starting to receive gifts I have learned that I am really uncomfortable with the concept of people spending money on me. My FI says that I am being silly but I am 31 years old, extremely successful in my career, we own our on home and I feel like there are so many others that don't have all the things we do in our life that those dollars are better spent on them. I don't know if I am alone in this...anyone else feel this way?

hoffse · June 2012

Yes it can be uncomfortable, but people are sending you a gift because they want to. Just try tio accept it graciously, write a thank you right away, and don't mention anything about these concerns to the people who may be giving to you - because even though you don't mean it this way, it can come across as a little patronizing in the sense that the guest might interpret you be saying, "thanks for the thought but because you're not as successful as me, I'd like for you to save that money for your mortgage payment or your gas bill." KWIM?

Yes it can be awkward, particularly when less-well-off people are the more generous givers, but remember that it's their money, their life, and they can choose how to spend their income however they want. Receiving cash makes me very uncomfortable as well and that's one reason why FI and I have a pretty extensive registry of physical items. I KNOW that if we only received cash I could get more "value" out of the things I bought than our guests will who are purchasing from our registry because I am a hard-core bargain hunter and you can't register for bargains/clearance items, etc. But at the end of the day, $25 might "look" better for a guest who decides to spend it on a serving bowl or a set of cooking utensils than if they decided to stick it in a card. That guest might also have a coupon, gift card, or find the same item at a different store on sale - which means the guest isn't spending as much as the gift retails for. This is how I'm looking at it, and I'm convincing myself that guests will spend less when it's a physical gift than when it's cash.

Even if your house is already furnished, etc. you might want to try the same thing - you can register for hobbies, quirky cooking gadgets from WS that you always wanted but couldn't bring yourself to buy (like their $8 strawberry huller I've been obsessing over), or upgrades/extras of things you will always need like towels and sheets. This might make you feel better when all is said and done.

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

Really? So you don't like getting birthday or Christmas gifts either?

People give gifts because they want to. Personally, it makes me feel good and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. If people don't want to give you a wedding gift, they won't.

smilesavy · June 2012

In Response to Re:Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts:[QUOTE]Really?nbsp; So you don't like getting birthday or Christmas gifts either?People give gifts because they want to.nbsp; Personally, it makes me feel good and I'm sure I'm not alone in this.nbsp; If people don't want to give you a wedding gift, they won't. Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

I don't like receiving gifts really for any reason but it is really magnified with the wedding. I guess I have always been a self provider so it makes me uncomfy. Probably just a quirk of mine.

aragx6 · June 2012

^Feel free to make a small registry and then give all the cash to charity if you'd like to, but people give gifts because they enjoy doing it -- there's no reason to feel weird about it.

rlavach · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_really-uncomfortable-about-receiving-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d359fd98-4740-413b-8ba3-1797bcfb87d8Post:86493268-ecb1-4f88-a735-9cbb1afe2c79">Re:Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts: I don't like receiving gifts really for any reason but it is really magnified with the wedding.<strong> I guess I have always been a self provider </strong>so it makes me uncomfy. Probably just a quirk of mine.
Posted by smilesavy[/QUOTE]
<span style="font-size:12pt;">That right there is the issue. When someone is giving you a gift, it’s exactly that…a gift. They are not providing for you in any way. They are not giving you something that you aren’t capable of going out & buying yourself & the fact that they give it to you doesn’t imply that. There are many people, like myself, who enjoy giving. I like to make other people happy and make them feel important by giving them things, even if they aren’t of great monetary value. Take a step back & look at it from the other person’s perspective, rather than your own. They’re giving you a gift because they WANT to, but because they have to. </span>

egm900 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_really-uncomfortable-about-receiving-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d359fd98-4740-413b-8ba3-1797bcfb87d8Post:5b38a00a-4b73-4a95-94dc-fa5f7f552b7e">Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes it can be uncomfortable, but people are sending you a gift because they want to. Just try tio accept it graciously, write a thank you right away, and don't mention anything about these concerns to the people who may be giving to you - because even though you don't mean it this way, it can come across as a little patronizing in the sense that the guest might interpret you be saying, "thanks for the thought but because you're not as successful as me, I'd like for you to save that money for your mortgage payment or your gas bill." KWIM? Yes it can be awkward, particularly when less-well-off people are the more generous givers, but remember that it's their money, their life, and they can choose how to spend their income however they want. Receiving cash makes me very uncomfortable as well and that's one reason why FI and I have a pretty extensive registry of physical items. I KNOW that if we only received cash I could get more "value" out of the things I bought than our guests will who are purchasing from our registry because I am a hard-core bargain hunter and you can't register for bargains/clearance items, etc. But at the end of the day, $25 might "look" better for a guest who decides to spend it on a serving bowl or a set of cooking utensils than if they decided to stick it in a card. That guest might also have a coupon, gift card, or find the same item at a different store on sale - which means the guest isn't spending as much as the gift retails for. This is how I'm looking at it, and I'm convincing myself that guests will spend less when it's a physical gift than when it's cash. Even if your house is already furnished, etc. you might want to try the same thing - you can register for hobbies, quirky cooking gadgets from WS that you always wanted but couldn't bring yourself to buy (like their $8 strawberry huller I've been obsessing over), or upgrades/extras of things you will always need like towels and sheets. This might make you feel better when all is said and done.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

<div>All of this, and the WS strawberry huller was one of the best Christmas gifts I've ever gotten. We don't really need anything, very little of ours needs to be upgraded, but giving and receiving money at weddings has always made me uncomfortable (I think this is a Southern thing, all of my friends would rather die before sticking money in a card), so we made a big registry, lots of things that we might not need, but we'll be able to throw one nice looking party using all of the serving ware we registered for and have been getting.</div>

Leenie10 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_really-uncomfortable-about-receiving-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:d359fd98-4740-413b-8ba3-1797bcfb87d8Post:5b38a00a-4b73-4a95-94dc-fa5f7f552b7e">Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes it can be uncomfortable, but people are sending you a gift because they want to. Just try tio accept it graciously, write a thank you right away, and don't mention anything about these concerns to the people who may be giving to you - because even though you don't mean it this way, it can come across as a little patronizing in the sense that the guest might interpret you be saying, "thanks for the thought but because you're not as successful as me, I'd like for you to save that money for your mortgage payment or your gas bill." KWIM? Yes it can be awkward, particularly when less-well-off people are the more generous givers, but remember that it's their money, their life, and they can choose how to spend their income however they want. Receiving cash makes me very uncomfortable as well and that's <strong>one reason why FI and I have a pretty extensive registry of physical items.</strong> I KNOW that if we only received cash I could get more "value" out of the things I bought than our guests will who are purchasing from our registry because I am a hard-core bargain hunter and you can't register for bargains/clearance items, etc. But at the end of the day, <strong>$25 might "look" better for a guest who decides to spend it on a serving bowl or a set of cooking utensils than if they decided to stick it in a card. That guest might also have a coupon, gift card, or find the same item at a different store on sale - which means the guest isn't spending as much as the gift retails for.</strong> <strong> This is how I'm looking at it, and I'm convincing myself that guests will spend less when it's a physical gift than when it's cash.</strong> Even if your house is already furnished, etc. you might want to try the same thing - you can register for hobbies, quirky cooking gadgets from WS that you always wanted but couldn't bring yourself to buy (like their $8 strawberry huller I've been obsessing over), or upgrades/extras of things you will always need like towels and sheets. This might make you feel better when all is said and done.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

I hadn't thought of that but it makes sense to me. I may need to expand my registry...

Leenie10 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_really-uncomfortable-about-receiving-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:d359fd98-4740-413b-8ba3-1797bcfb87d8Post:e2659da7-7ca1-40ed-b20d-623173f62339">Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts : All of this, and the WS strawberry huller was one of the best Christmas gifts I've ever gotten. We don't really need anything, very little of ours needs to be upgraded, <strong>but giving and receiving money at weddings has always made me uncomfortable (I think this is a Southern thing, all of my friends would rather die before sticking money in a card), so we made a big registry,</strong> lots of things that we might not need, but we'll be able to throw one nice looking party using all of the serving ware we registered for and have been getting.
Posted by egm900[/QUOTE]

Also interesting, did not know this and I guess maybe it is a regional thing. When a couple is registered, I do go there first but a lot of people around here don't seem to have an issue with putting money or a check into a card for the bride and groom as the wedding gift.

hoffse · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_really-uncomfortable-about-receiving-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d359fd98-4740-413b-8ba3-1797bcfb87d8Post:0dde9e6a-1fdc-4e96-9f41-e7b142e2282e">Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts : Also interesting, did not know this and I guess maybe it is a regional thing. When a couple is registered, I do go there first but a lot of people around here don't seem to have an issue with putting money or a check into a card for the bride and groom as the wedding gift.
Posted by Leenie10[/QUOTE]

<div>I've been on TK for about a year and a half, and there definitely seems to be a regional split. Southerners tend to give boxed gifts at both the shower and the wedding. There are a few reasons for it, but two big ones: first, we don't want the bride/groom knowing how much we spent and second, we want it to be something that the couple will use for their life together instead of for things like the bills, even if paying the bills is more practical. I don't ever give cash gifts because of the money thing - I just don't want a couple knowing that I spent $62.73 on their gift that retails for $80 because I had a coupon, found it on sale, etc. If I give cash, it's face value and that's that.</div><div>
</div><div>New England seems to be primarily cash gifts at the wedding. This is clearly far more practical, but southerner's (generally) would see it as impersonal. To be quite honest, I'd almost rather receive boxed gifts because while cash is nice, I know I'll just use it to pay off student loans or whatever instead of using it to buy that fancy flatware I've always wanted.</div>

rlavach · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_really-uncomfortable-about-receiving-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d359fd98-4740-413b-8ba3-1797bcfb87d8Post:bcd0558a-db2c-42d6-b2dd-073d90b39b1e">Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts : I've been on TK for about a year and a half, and there definitely seems to be a regional split. Southerners tend to give boxed gifts at both the shower and the wedding. There are a few reasons for it, but two big ones: first, we don't want the bride/groom knowing how much we spent and second, we want it to be something that the couple will use for their life together instead of for things like the bills, even if paying the bills is more practical. I don't ever give cash gifts because of the money thing - I just don't want a couple knowing that I spent $62.73 on their gift that retails for $80 because I had a coupon, found it on sale, etc. If I give cash, it's face value and that's that. New England seems to be primarily cash gifts at the wedding. This is clearly far more practical, but southerner's (generally) would see it as impersonal. To be quite honest, I'd almost rather receive boxed gifts because while cash is nice,<strong> I know I'll just use it to pay off student loans or whatever instead of using it to buy that fancy flatware I've always wanted.</strong>
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]
But then when that student loan comes & you need the money, it's more of a hassle to return that fancy flatware for the money...<---said by a Northerner.<div>
</div><div>I get it, though. We received only 1 placesetting of our china & while we received enough cash to buy the rest of the 12, I just couldn't justify it when there are so many more important things to pay, so we just got 3 more. Then again, we used the gift money to pay our entire honeymoon in cash, so that was a WIN!</div>

hoffse · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_really-uncomfortable-about-receiving-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d359fd98-4740-413b-8ba3-1797bcfb87d8Post:76af550f-9730-4316-98bd-a4f99f9c60f5">Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts : But then when that student loan comes & you need the money, it's more of a hassle to return that fancy flatware for the money...<---said by a Northerner. I get it, though. We received only 1 placesetting of our china & <strong>while we received enough cash to buy the rest of the 12, I just couldn't justify it when there are so many more important things to pay, so we just got 3 more.</strong> Then again, we used the gift money to pay our entire honeymoon in cash, so that was a WIN!
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

<div>Right, this is what I'm saying. Obviously if you are having real financial troubles then cash if preferred. FI and I are lucky enough to not have those worries right now, so while cash would be nice, we'd either save it or just fritter it away on boring things because justifying that sort of discretionary expense feels far too extravagant right now. All that said, we don't need the cash. So I would rather get the 12 place settings than the cash to buy the 12 place settings.</div>

divinemsbee · June 2012

I love presents. Unabashedly love them. I also love picking out presents and giving gifts to people. I love getting and giving gifts for no real reason.

I'm agreeing with RLAVACH, it's not that people think they're buying you things that you couldn't afford or providing for you, it's just that they'd like to get you something you might want.

I'll admit to being more uncomfortable with cash gifts, as well, but that might also be a regional thing. To me, cash gifts feel more like someone "providing" for me than a spatula or china.

divinemsbee · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_really-uncomfortable-about-receiving-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d359fd98-4740-413b-8ba3-1797bcfb87d8Post:0783bd01-d8b1-4b89-b9d0-239145aae18e">Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts : Right, this is what I'm saying. Obviously if you are having real financial troubles then cash if preferred. FI and I are lucky enough to not have those worries right now, so <strong>while cash would be nice, we'd either save it or just fritter it away on boring things because justifying that sort of discretionary expense feels far too extravagant right now. All that said, we don't need the cash. So I would rather get the 12 place settings than the cash to buy the 12 place settings.</strong>
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I love everything you're saying in this thread because it's exactly how I feel. If we get cash, maybe half of it will go to buying some things off of our registry, but a lot of it will just go in the bank and end up paying for groceries or Target trips. Honestly, I'd rather get my china (especially serving pieces) or crystal that we would almost never be able to just go spend money on. I made my physical registry pretty extensive for that exact reason. </div>

divinemsbee · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_really-uncomfortable-about-receiving-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d359fd98-4740-413b-8ba3-1797bcfb87d8Post:0783bd01-d8b1-4b89-b9d0-239145aae18e">Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts : Right, this is what I'm saying. Obviously if you are having real financial troubles then cash if preferred. FI and I are lucky enough to not have those worries right now, so <strong>while cash would be nice, we'd either save it or just fritter it away on boring things because justifying that sort of discretionary expense feels far too extravagant right now. All that said, we don't need the cash. So I would rather get the 12 place settings than the cash to buy the 12 place settings.</strong>
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I love everything you're saying in this thread because it's exactly how I feel. If we get cash, maybe half of it will go to buying some things off of our registry, but a lot of it will just go in the bank and end up paying for groceries or Target trips. Honestly, I'd rather get my china (especially serving pieces) or crystal that we would almost never be able to just go spend money on. I made my physical registry pretty extensive for that exact reason. </div>

crazykatiemae · June 2012

the idea of having a bridal shower, where the primary reason for the party is for me and my fiance to get gifts, that does make me a bit uncomfortable to have to sit in front of all of those lovely ladies opening gift after gift especially if i think i know their financial situation and think that they have spent too much on me. but remember this, no matter what their financial situation is (or yours) they are giving you a gift because they WANT to, not because they feel that they have to and they are spending as much on you as they WANT. its their choice to spend $20 or $100 on you and you can't ever fully know other people's finanical situation. perhaps some of your friends or family enjoy finding the perfect gift like i do and have spent a lot of time and put a lot of thought into it.

just graciously accept the gifts, be thankful, get those thank yous out, and don't expect anything. this is the one time in your life where you'll have to do this, and tons of brides probably feel the same way

rlavach · June 2012

Also, if it's the opening the gifts in front of others that bothers you, then don't! In my culture, you usually open the gifts, but you never say who the gift is from. That way those who perhaps could only afford a smaller gift don't feel bad in comparision to the larger gifts. I've been to large showers where they haven't opened the gifts because it would just be way too long. Who wants to sit there for 2h watching gift opening? So you can request to open the gifts later.

meganb1977 · June 2012

I was uncomfortable with getting gifts too, I felt like I didn't really need or want anything. I like the idea of not opening gifts in front of everyone at a shower if you're not comfortable with that. And if they discuss it with you beforehand you can thank someone graciously for the offer and decline a shower if you don't want one. If your fiance is on board with it, would it make you feel better to donate your cash gifts, or a portion, to a charity that you both support?

catwine · June 2012

what about asking that people make a donation to a charity in your name in leu of a gift?

catwine · June 2012

what about asking that people make a donation to a charity in your name in leu of a gift?

Tina3104 · June 2012

My Husband (of 2 days now) and I are both in our 40s and had 2 households full of stuff so we said "your presence is the gift we both will love to have" . Most people honored that wish and gave us cards. We did end up with a few gifts (mostly from our closest friends) and we got cash from some others. Although we didn't want the cash, the folks that gave it to us knew we are leaving in 2 weeks for a road trip so they called it the fuel fund and we are extremely grateful. We will send a gracious thank you to all of them because in the end, the gifts came out of love and good wishes for us, so there is no way we can feel uncomfortable about people showing their love and happiness for us.

have a wonderful wedding day and save the gift opening for the next day.

Really uncomfortable about receiving gifts

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