RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle

Hayley475 · June 2010

I have a two guests who i invited with a guest (wrote on the inner envelope their name & guest) and they responded that they would be bringing two guests. Our guest list is really at capacity...what is the best way to let them know they can only bring one guest?

pooh8402 · June 2010

call them up on the phone and say, "I'm sorry, but we are at capacity and do not have room for additional guests."

danieliza1127 · June 2010

Yeah, just call or e-mail and say something like "I'm sorry for any confusion, but the invitation was just for you and 1 guest. We really can't accommodate any extra guests. I'm sure you understand! I'll just mark you down for 2 instead of 3" or something like that.

pixiedust84 · June 2010

It was VERY rude of them to do that.

Call them and tell them you can only accommodate one guest. It's absolutely ok for you to do this - they are in the wrong. Just explain that while you wish you could accommodate everyone you just can't. But you're so excited to celebrate with them!

Knittibell · June 2010

I've never heard of such a thing! Are the additional guests by chance their kids? I agree, the only thing to do is to call the guests and tell them that they are welcome to attend and bring 1 guest, but you simply do not have space for more than one guest per person. If it is a child, and you're not having kids at the wedding, explain that there are no children attending the wedding. Good luck!

Hayley475 · June 2010

Thanks all for your help! I will make the phone call tonight!

Helen Milan · July 2010

My cousin did this for three extra children! We have a small guest list that is at capacity. I wrote to him and said - I would have loved to have your children there but we just don't have the room. He didn't reply to my email at all and that was three months ago. The wedding in in two months. I found it completely rude so I don't much care, but now I don't know if he's coming or not. So I suffer in planning because he was offended by my email, telling him politely that we are at capacity. Then again - every couple getting married goes through this I'm told... Good luck, don't back down for bossy peeps!!

lturpyn · July 2010

How did they respond when you called them? I'd like to know what they said about it!

Hotdogger13 · July 2010

I have had this happen with several guests, even though I actually wrote in every individual's name on the RSVP cards so there would be no confusion that only those named people were invited.
Usually I found out by my mom relaying how excited someone was to be coming and bringing "whoever-else-that-I-didn't-invite" with them. My initial reaction was to rant and rave about it, going on about how it could be possible that these people would think that was okay, and how I am the one paying for this, yadda yadda, blah blah.
Now I am only 4 weeks away from the wedding & my response list is almost complete - turns out a lot of the OOT guests that I thought would make it, won't be making it. So, it's not as big of a deal as I thought that there might be a few extra people. If you wait a bit it may not be an issue & everyone's happy.
Also, I invited single friends, not in serious relationships, without a guest and explained to them that I couldn't afford to have them bring someone but that if my guest response rate permitted extras within my budget I would let them know. You could try that tactic w/your people, let them know that the number of people invited is at capacity, due to size limits, money limits, whatever (I know many say blaming finances is rude - but it's reality in this day for just about everyone & I think understood by most) but that should that change you would love to give them the opportunity to bring an additional guest that would help them have a nice time at your wedding.
That's my 5 cents.

atwoodkasia · July 2010

I would let them know that you have only a certain amount of space and that you are not trying to be rude but they can only bring one guest and that you are sorry! Even though you have no reason to be sorry.

EJV · July 2010

So how about this one. I invited a good friend's parents and after receiving their RSVP they responded with.....wait for it....2 or 7!!!! They wrote a nice little note that they were excited and that they may have their grandkids on that day. They have 5 grandkids! Really?! I did not invite your grandkids. While children will be allowed at the wedding, give me a break. I'm waiting until the wedding day is closer to let them know this will not be allowed. I do not want to hurt the relationship I have with their son who is my future SIL's (and best friend) significant other. In any case, that response was quite a surprise to say the least!

suzystamp · July 2010

Oh good luck - it sounds like you've got the best advice here. Planning a wedding seems to require upmost diplomacy - some people seem to lose all sense of consideration and manners and put the bride/groom/parents in a really awkward position. It's your day, so don't feel guilty for being assertive to tell your guests that you unfortunately can't accommodate their plus 2s! I had a similar thing happen (but only a +1 I have to say), and am still slightly worried that the guy will bring his mystery new girlfriend anyway. Do let us know what happened!

camcbeth · July 2010

I am dealing with the same thing right now! My wedding is in 8 days and I started freaking out when my mom and my FMIL have guests who are bringing extras. I have been talking with friends who are married and they say to prepare for guests who bring un-invited guests as well as guests who have responded on coming to not show up. We have a buffet so I am not worried. The problem I have is I hand wrote all 150 names on name cards and I have spent the time planning out where people sit. I have invested a lot of time with seating and I think that's why it drives me crazy.

sparkles2010 · July 2010

I recently had this happen with one married couple who was invited and they responded with "3". attending. Since I don't personally know them, I sent them a note in the mail with an another RSVP card. I explained in the note that we would love for them to attend but we only had two spots reserved in their name, so and so, due to contract/room capacity limitations. We asked them to reconfirm that they will be able to attend. They may be "turned off" by this point to come, but still we can't assume they will come without a guest, so reconfirming is necessary!

I prefer this way rather than calling, because once you call, you may end up saying too much, and you don't want to hurt their feelings.

derekandlaura · July 2010

Yep, it's awkward but there's nothing to do except tell them the truth. I had to do that with a friend (although in this case she was invited with zero guests, and presumed she could bring one) but I was very apologetic, and she was very understanding. I'm sure it'll be fine and there will be no hard feelings!

babowlds · July 2010

I hear ya... we invited a friend that is in the wedding and his fiance. She sent back the RSVP with 4 guests. I was very confused and asked her about it and she said the 2 others are her parents?!?! Never did I send her parents an invite or even imply that they were invited. I am still so confused on how she assumed they were invited. I dont even know them! Now 22 days before the wedding I still have no idea how to handle this and our tables are quickly filling up! I dont want to upset her becuase her fiance is in the wedding and we will be at their wedding next year! UGH! help!

KatieCaps · July 2010

My cousin is getting married this Sunday and had invited our Aunt and Uncle, and only our Aunt and Uncle- well, Auntie RSVP'd for TEN people! My cousin's wedding will be a little under 200 people so 10 was a ridiculous response. She (cousin)had spoken to my mom to let her know this and wasn't sure what to do, so my mom relayed it to me to "warn" me. Well, my RSVP came from the same Aunt and Uncle and they were only bring a "few" to mine- SIX to be exact! My mom has years of experience in dealing with this Aunt and her antics (it's her sister) so she made the call. But she simply did what has been stated- she called my aunt and explained to her that our venue only holds so many and we couldn't accomadate the extras. She would most likely bring a total of 6 people had my mom not called. I'm not sure how my cousin handled her situation, but I guess I will find out Sunday! Good luck with breaking the news!

stephdonjon · July 2010

I am always shocked to hear how many people have had this problem! Like, seriously? I can't think of too many things that are much ruder than inviting your own extras. But yeah, you absolutely have every right to call them up and explain that you just don't have the space for them. They should understand.

jenwmuot · July 2010

I'm in the same situation! Seems like there's rude guests all around. In this case, I think it's my fiance who dropped the ball. In my world, if you say "And Family" it includes children living AT HOME. In his family "And Family" includes children and grandchildren, no matter where they are living. I invited an aunt and uncle set, expecting an RSVP for 2, and got the card back saying "Uncle so and so & Family". So I call FMIL to confirm how many, she tells me that the RSVP is for 11. Seriously? 11? And apparently that's just 'how it's done' in their family. If you invite the couple, it's their whole fam damily. GRR!

lbrown623 · July 2010

I have heard so many people on here say that this happens and all along I have been thinking "What kind of people are these girls friends with?". Then it happened . . .
My neice- my own family- texted me last night and asked if she could bring a date. I sent her her own invitation, even though she lives with her parents still, but I did not "and Guest" her. She's 22, lives in SC and the wedding is in NY and she is not in a relationship. She wants to bring a kid that she was friends with like 15 years ago when she lived up here. She's seen him all of 5 times in the last 10 years and she wants to bring him to my wedding?!?!?!?!
I politely answered her that we already have waaaaayyyy too many guests on our invite list and are seriously hoping some people won't be able to make it. Capacity isn't over what the room can hold, but I am not paying $70 to feed some kid that I don't know, just because she wants to hang out with him. Plus, I have to pay for table cloths, chair covers and napkins, so every person added to the list is an expensive addition. We left people off our guest list that we would have liked to invite, because we had so many people as it was. NO WAY!! I'm putting my foot down. If I didn't offer you a guest on your invite, you are not bringing one. And besides, then it puts the bride and groom in a position where they have to be the bad guy. So incredibly rude!

chellewill8970 · July 2010

I am going through the same thing for my July 25th wedding. The advice that I received from a family member was to have someone else (like a bridesmaid or your mother) make the phone call explaining your wishes. That way you remove yourself from the conversation and they won't try to convince you to add someone else. Stick to your initial plans for your wedding. Remember it's your day, who cares about the people who may be offended!!

StefaniSparkles · July 2010

I'm curious to know the response as well. I've decided to have my RSVP cards say that we have reserved 1/2 places in you honor. I don't feel like the headache. Even though his family is notorious for showing up without an RSVP or and invitation.

GOOD LUCK!

chiquilla08 · July 2010

I realize you said you already have contacted the "offender" - I know for myself I had close to 10 separate RSVPs come back with extra kids mostly, I started to freak b/c most of them were my parents' friends and I had not invited some of my own friends to accomodate - long story short, wedding is in 2 weeks, many of the people I was sure would come, had even initially RSVPd that they'd come have now said they can't, plus you can count on 10-20% not coming that said they would - sort of like inviting more than you can actually fit for the same reason... any way - don't stress about it. Let your emcee/coordinator handle it and choose to realize that at the end of the day, you'll still be beautiful and you'll be married to the man of your dreams

annakate026 · July 2010

I had this same thing happen to me. I sent my great Aunt an invitation with "and guest" on it. Since she is a widow and lives four hours away I wanted her to be able to bring someone to travel with. Well she had her son call and say that Auntie was bringing him and he was bringing his girlfriend and her kid!! Keep in mind that I do not know Aunt very well and do not know her son/his girlfriend and her son AT ALL. I also had another 3rd cousin do this to me...he and his wife were invited but they decided they were also going to bring their 26 year old daughter who was NOT invited (I barely know these people either, these are my mom's invite requests). I can kind of understand if a couple is invited and they absolutely have to bring their YOUNG kids because they have no other option, but why are you bringing your adult daughter when she wasn't even invited?

meghan99 · July 2010

I think it is very rude to do that...I also think it is rude that my inlaws side did this and said "we can't not allow them to bring guests, they are our good friends." I put my foot down and made my fiance take care of this. I found this incredibly rude on my inlaws part as well as the guests by refusing to take care of the issue. If the inlaws were paying for the whole thing it wouldn't have bothered me...but they aren't paying for it and were given extra people to invite because they have a large family ( a mistake i will never make again). The fiance's family also said (9 days before the wedding) we didn't invite our total allotment of guests so we are going to ask additional people to attend. Again I am not allowing this to happen and unfortunately do not feel much support from my future husband. I'm p'od if you can't tell.

fitzbets · July 2010

I had a friend write the number on the response cards for her wedding. I think a few people were offended but I guess this was a common problem in her family. I thinking about doing the same on some of our response cToo tacky or am I heading the problem off from the start?

Hjmarie · July 2010

Were having this problem. We did the unless your in a serious relationship no plus 1. So when we sent their invites out we address them as such. ALL of our single friends added a date. So there is an extra 15 people to our already big wedding (250, hall will accommodate 275 comfy).
Then today my mom calls me to tell me my Great Uncle, who I have met twice in my life, responded with 8 people!!! HUH??? Where did he get Mr & Mrs ***** to mean his kids and grandchildren where invited?!?! I'm thoroughly confused and frustrated.
Grandpa gets to call his brother and let him know that only him and his wife are invited. As for our friends, we are waiting to see how the rest of the guest list comes together ... but I'm sooo confused on why people think they can invite anyone & everyone to a wedding they are invited to...

atemplin5 · July 2010

Have you ever considered how incredibly awkward it is to be at a wedding where you dont know many people? Or when you are the only single? People want to celebrate this happy occasion with you and since they are people you love, maybe you let them bring someone to keep them company.

pinkroo · July 2010

I have had the same issue, I specifically marked names on the envelopes so people knew who to bring and yet I have been getting invites back with 2-5 extra people on it. They think its for the whole extended family. I am livid because we had our list and had our budget done accordingly and people are just ignoring whats on the envelope and inviting who they want. I would never dream of doing that to someone!

debi68 · July 2010

I am getting married next May and we are cutting people from our guest list that we might have invited had the venue and budget been larger... I hope this does not happen to us. I would be horrified to make these calls, but I agree that you have to stand your ground and make them. I like the idea of having the RSVP cards specify how many seats you have reserved for them already and have them confirm that the number you reserved will be there. I think this makes them think before adding too the number and if they are curtious, they will let you know if a lesser number is going to attend. Some people are rude, or feel entitled and I am not sure if put in the same place they would be ok with it. So, once again I hope I dont have this problem and I wish you luck. (although I believe I will based on a conversation I over heard from someone stating that so and so needs to decide who their date is going to be... I responded with so and so cannot bring a guest. When asked why not, I said because the venue will not accommode additional people.... mind you my invitations have not gone out so who said so and so was being invited anyways... lol) good luck and remember it is your day.

zaramarie81 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvpd-additional-guests-handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f7f7fdb-6b62-4dd5-8c99-ef40b5d96599Post:8a24ac4b-680d-46bc-86fc-d7c5d5e590f8">Re: RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you ever considered how incredibly awkward it is to be at a wedding where you dont know many people? Or when you are the only single? People want to celebrate this happy occasion with you and since they are people you love, maybe you let them bring someone to keep them company.
Posted by atemplin5[/QUOTE]

atemplin - I have been single at many weddings. I am shy and introverted and even had some real personal heartbreaks, making weddings painful for me. But I never felt a guest was "owed" to me or even needed, and I still had a good time.<strong> It's worth noting that formal etiquette does not require dates for those not in established relationships. </strong>Traditionally, it is also against etiquette to invite generic "guest" or "+1"... specific names should be on the invite (even if you have to call to ask your friend the name of their SO).

It is very, very rude to add your own guests to an invite. Imagine if I invited my friends over for an intimate dinner party, and they brought 20 of their buds to my house too? I am not sure why, with weddings, people feel they "should" be allowed to bring a crowd w/ them when we would never do so for other kinds of invites (unless the host says, "Oh and bring a friend!")

When it comes to single guests, if there is no room for including dates (by name), the ideal solution is to make sure they have family and friends they know there and who they will feel comforable socializing w/.

RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle

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