Having Trouble Choosing Bridesmaids (long)

emily.ayala · March 2010

So, I have several friends whom I am considering for bridesmaids, but I cannot decide which to choose. I am having three bridesmaids, because my fiance is having 3 groomsmen. I know the sides do not need to be equal, but I would like them to. The problem is that each of these friends, I used to be really close to at one point in time, but now I am not really close with any of them. I have chosen 1 bridesmaid so far, so I am hoping you ladies can help me decide the other 2.

To give a timeline to follow, I am currently 23 years old and graduated high school in 2005.

Friend #1 - I was best friends with from kindergarten until about sophmore year of high school. After that we started talking and hanging out much less frequently. Nowadays, we rarely talk at all and I can't actually remember the last time I saw her.

Friend #2 - I was very good friends with her from about 3rd grade until about 4 years ago when she moved 2 hours away for college. However, during high school and even the first couple years after high school, she helped me through a lot of tough times. We spent a lot of late nights venting to eachother about everything. Since then, we still talked and hung out on occasion, and currently we hardly talk and it has been several months since we have hung out.

Friend #3 - I have been friends with her since 4th grade and were best friends in high school. She also helped me through a lot. After high school we started to drift apart. These days, we talk and hang out more often than the above 2 friends, but it is still infrequent.

Friend #4 - This is my fiance's sister. She is a very nice person and I really like her, but we are not close. We don't talk unless the family gets together and we never hang out just the two of us. I am really just considering her because it's "the nice thing to do."

I would appreciate any thoughts you ladies have on this. Sorry it's so long!

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Knee-jerk reaction: Who do you want standing next to you when you say your vows? That is your WP. The thought process doesn't have to be so intense. It's a wedding, a happy occcasion--have fun with it.

Ask all 4 friends if you want all 4 and are having this much trouble choosing between them. I promise you that a 4:3 ratio is hardly noticeable. We had 4 BM and 3 BM and no one, even my super OCD DH and MIL, cared when all was said and done. There are maybe 3 pictures where you can tell, and even then I think you have to focus on it and be counting heads to truly notice.

stina93446 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-trouble-choosing-bridesmaids-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:31d188e9-5d9d-41d1-b91a-6b12a09adb95Post:c8a02051-ae81-4243-b044-ea8d73272d86">Having Trouble Choosing Bridesmaids (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I have several friends whom I am considering for bridesmaids, but I cannot decide which to choose. I am having three bridesmaids, because my fiance is having 3 groomsmen. I know the sides do not need to be equal, but I would like them to. The problem is that each of these friends, I used to be really close to at one point in time, but now I am not really close with any of them. I have chosen 1 bridesmaid so far, so I am hoping you ladies can help me decide the other 2. To give a timeline to follow, I am currently 23 years old and graduated high school in 2005. Friend #1 - I was best friends with from kindergarten until about sophmore year of high school. After that we started talking and hanging out much less frequently. Nowadays, we rarely talk at all and I can't actually remember the last time I saw her. Friend #2 - I was very good friends with her from about 3rd grade until about 4 years ago when she moved 2 hours away for college. However, during high school and even the first couple years after high school, she helped me through a lot of tough times. We spent a lot of late nights venting to eachother about everything. Since then, we still talked and hung out on occasion, and currently we hardly talk and it has been several months since we have hung out. Friend #3 - I have been friends with her since 4th grade and were best friends in high school. She also helped me through a lot. After high school we started to drift apart. These days, we talk and hang out more often than the above 2 friends, but it is still infrequent. Friend #4 - This is my fiance's sister. She is a very nice person and I really like her, but we are not close. We don't talk unless the family gets together and we never hang out just the two of us. I am really just considering her because it's "the nice thing to do." I would appreciate any thoughts you ladies have on this. Sorry it's so long!
Posted by emily.ayala[/QUOTE]

emilykathleen511 · March 2010

Hey, it's another Emily & Justin

From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you are close to any of these girls anymore, and in that case you shouldn't ask any of them. You will most likely regret it later; at the very least you should wait until about June to ask anyone since your wedding isn't until January. There really isn't any reason to ask before then and the relationships could change before then.

The only one that I would suggest asking would be your FSIL because she is becoming part of your family and it would be a very nice gesture to ask her.

SarahPLiz · March 2010

If you aren't close to them, then don't choose any of them. This will only lead to more drama.

mbcdefg · March 2010

Don't choose three people just so you have three warm bodies up there. Absolutely no harm will come from having uneven sides. So please do yourself a favor and let go of the idea that you NEED three attendants, because hanging onto that idea will only give you a headache. If you are asking people in order to even up the sides, then you're missing the whole point of having a wedding party.

The decision should be instant. If you have to explain your reasons or talk yourself into asking someone, then that's a good sign that you probably should NOT ask them. Like PP said, it's a knee-jerk reaction. Because once you ask, you can't un-ask without it becoming a huge deal and likely a friendship-ending move or a big family fight. If you are unsure, don't ask ... or at least wait it out a while. Girls can get dresses from a department store or a regular clothing store or eBay within a month or two if they have to.

Ask your closest friend(s). It doesn't matter how close they live to you, what kind of history you have, how much they can help out with planning, when the last time you hung out was (because some people hardly see each other and yet can talk like no time has passed when they DO catch up) ... if you can honestly say that they are your dearest friends, without trying to convince yourself that they should be in the wedding, then that's the criteria.

More often than not, the complaints here are about girls who asked bridesmaids that they're no longer close to and are now regretting it. Hardly anyone comes here and says, "I wished I'd asked more people" (unless they left friends out in the name of keeping the sides even and then realized how wrong that was), because smaller parties are often a lot easier to deal with, and pay for. I've never seen anyone here say, "Oh man, I am SO glad I kept the sides even, because that really made the wedding perfect." Many people say that they are glad that they had uneven sides and didn't just ask a random or non-close friend to balance things out. People know when they're a fill-in, trust me.

If you have guy friends or brothers/cousins, it's O.K. to ask them to stand for you if you are really close to them. It is also O.K. if you have one attendant, or none, and your FI has several.

CTGirl30 · March 2010

Ditto everything mbcdefg just wrote.

Also, a good rule of thumb given on this board (following the BP should be a knee-jerk reaction and not such a complicated process theory) - think about who you would call at 3:00am if you needed to. Those are your dearest friends and that is your bridal party. It does not matter if it's 1 person, 2 people or 4 or exactly 3 (but seriously - please, please, please let go of this notion of "I need 3 people" for the sake of having matchy sides - it only causes issues when you're choosing whom to ask based on numbers and not based on relationships with the people).

emily.ayala · March 2010

Thank you for all your advice, ladies. It makes a lot of sense. I think I will wait it out for a while and see if anything changes in any of these relationships.

The "who would you call at 3:00am" part is a good point, but the problem is, there are NONE of my friends that i would feel comfortable calling at 3:00am to talk about problems anymore. I used to be like that with several people, but since everyone went off to college and I had a baby, I've become so distanced from all of my friends. I don't have that knee-jerk reaction with any of my friends, male or female.

emilyinchile · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-trouble-choosing-bridesmaids-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:31d188e9-5d9d-41d1-b91a-6b12a09adb95Post:c85ae7c2-b00e-4865-ab91-7ac24b92e4d4">Re: Having Trouble Choosing Bridesmaids (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]The "who would you call at 3:00am" part is a good point, but the problem is, there are NONE of my friends that i would feel comfortable calling at 3:00am to talk about problems anymore. I used to be like that with several people, but since everyone went off to college and I had a baby, I've become so distanced from all of my friends. I don't have that knee-jerk reaction with any of my friends, male or female.
Posted by emily.ayala[/QUOTE]

Then don't have anyone stand up for you. It's fine that due to life changes you've grown apart from some people, but it in my opinion would be a shame to look back in 10 years and wonder why you asked the people you did when they're not actually close to you.

libraleo · March 2010

You should choose people that really make you feel happy and joyous. None of these girls sound like close friends. Is there anyone you are closer to? Are you choosing these friends because of the length of time you have known them? That's not necessarily the best option.
Although, it would be a nice gesture to include your FSIL. Not necessary but a nice option.
If you don't have other people that you are closer to(relatives, co-workers, classmates, neighbors, etc) and you are worried about numbers then I would go with FSIL and that's it. Three groomsmen and two bridesmaids. That's sounds lovely to me!

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