Pre-wedding Parties

Bachelor Party - etiquette? I DO NOT TRUST HIS BEST MAN

Yes, I know I'm not even inquiring about my own bachelorette but let's get one thing straight - I've never and still do not like my fiance's brother.

He finally asked his bro to be his best man and my fiance was telling me how his brother had grand ideas to go to Vegas and even Thailand and get prostitutes and escorts involved. 

I only had to hear Thailand, prostitutes and escorts and that was enough.

My fiance is the younger brother and the thought of adultery sickens him to his stomach (and I quote!) but the problem is, he rarely ever speaks up to his brother unless its a do or die situation (sorry had to use a metaphor there to give you an idea what I'm dealing with).

Anyway. I really don't want to be THAT fiancee... you know, the one who's all, setting the rules and that sort of thing. ANd I don't even know what's normal and acceptable - he says he's definitely be getting breasts in his face ... I don't know what to make of it, I laughed and I know it'll probably happen but would other brides be absolutely livid about this?

And given that his bro is an absolute d-bag and has no respect for women (including my own wishes during me and my fiance's four year courtship), what should I do? Should I say something? Should I subtly imply certain things?

I also don't want anyone who ISN"T part of the wedding part and guest list to take part in his bachelor party. Is that proper etiquette or is that borderlining control freak? psycho bride?

Someone please help.

Re: Bachelor Party - etiquette? I DO NOT TRUST HIS BEST MAN

  • mcskatcatmcskatcat member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, but I do think this is your FI's fish to fry.  He needs to stand up to his brother.

    The simplest thing to do would be for your FI to say that the plans are a surprise, so his brother won't know until that day that his big night doesn't involve prostitutes. 
  • McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Do you honestly think they are going to go to Thailand? Please. And if prostitutes show up at any time, your fiance is free to leave, and I'm sure he would. I think this is a non-issue. As far as strippers and boobs, that doesn't bother me. If it bothers you, then you should probably tell your fiance you prefer no strippers. I don't think you get to decide who is on the bachelor party guest list.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelor-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:ae719143-0b5f-4595-b95e-42d7d12c3999Post:ebca4b96-9a78-4407-a984-3b676cf4fc78">Re: Bachelor Party - etiquette?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Do you honestly think they are going to go to Thailand? Please. And if prostitutes show up at any time, your fiance is free to leave, and I'm sure he would. I think this is a non-issue. As far as strippers and boobs, that doesn't bother me. If it bothers you, then you should probably tell your fiance you prefer no strippers. I don't think you get to decide who is on the bachelor party guest list.
    Posted by McKenna2012[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ok but isn't it proper etiquette to only invite those who are invited to the wedding to the bachelor party? I assumed its the same for bachelorette parties.</div><div>
    </div>
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    The only person you need to be able to trust is your fi. Talk to him about your comfort level. If he is not old enough to stand up to his brother, then he is not old enough to take on the responsibilities of marriage. You should not talk to his brother about the bp, that will only inspire him to defy you and will make your fi look like a wimp.


                       
  • SuMmErKuTiESuMmErKuTiE member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelor-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:ae719143-0b5f-4595-b95e-42d7d12c3999Post:8281e85a-3a10-4732-adf3-387040c892eb">Bachelor Party - etiquette? I DO NOT TRUST HIS BEST MAN</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes, I know I'm not even inquiring about my own bachelorette but let's get one thing straight - I've never and still do not like my fiance's brother. He finally asked his bro to be his best man and my fiance was telling me how his brother had grand ideas to go to Vegas and even Thailand and get prostitutes and escorts involved.  I only had to hear Thailand, prostitutes and escorts and that was enough. My fiance is the younger brother and the thought of adultery sickens him to his stomach (and I quote!) <strong>but the problem is, he rarely ever speaks up to his brother unless its a do or die situation</strong> (sorry had to use a metaphor there to give you an idea what I'm dealing with). Anyway. I really don't want to be THAT fiancee... you know, the one who's all, setting the rules and that sort of thing. ANd I don't even know what's normal and acceptable - he says he's definitely be getting breasts in his face ... I don't know what to make of it, I laughed and I know it'll probably happen but would other brides be absolutely livid about this? And given that his bro is an absolute d-bag and has no respect for women (including my own wishes during me and my fiance's four year courtship), what should I do? Should I say something? Should I subtly imply certain things? I also don't want anyone who ISN"T part of the wedding part and guest list to take part in his bachelor party. Is that proper etiquette or is that borderlining control freak? psycho bride? Someone please help.
    Posted by sarahcandice[/QUOTE]

    In response to the bolded part... why on earth would your FI make his brother his best man if they rarely speak? If they're not that close his brother should never have been picked to be in the wedding party, never mind as the best man. Men usually pick their best man because it's someone who's very close to them and has always been there for them. Best mans are a lot of times the groom's brother, but they're also the best friend of the groom, a good friend, a cousin, a brother in law, etc... Just because this is your FI's brother doesn't mean he should automatically be Best Man.

    As for the bachelor party, you need to just trust your FI that no matter what situation he's put into that he won't disrespect you or your relationship. I sincerely doubt they'll be going to Thailand for a bachelor party, that's unheard of and ridiculously expensive for a party that is usually just a night out or at times a guys weekend. Vegas is much more realistic and if they go there, you need to set boundaries with your FI before he goes that you both agree upon and are comfortable with. Vegas is known as Sin City for a reason.. all you do there is party, but you can keep it to just partying. It doesn't have to involve strip clubs and hookers, but usually when guys go to Vegas for a bachelor party it almost always means strippers. You shouldn't worry about hookers, because that is just wrong on so many levels, and I'm sure your FI respects you enough to not partake in something so gross and unethical.

    Communication communication COMMUNICATION! Talk to your FI and let him know how you feel and agree upon some boundaries no matter who is planning his bachelor party.
  • McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelor-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:ae719143-0b5f-4595-b95e-42d7d12c3999Post:7f19221e-f7a7-44a8-9d63-bc7763e467b3">Re: Bachelor Party - etiquette?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelor Party - etiquette? : Ok but isn't it proper etiquette to only invite those who are invited to the wedding to the bachelor party? I assumed its the same for bachelorette parties.
    Posted by sarahcandice[/QUOTE]

    Probably, but I think guys care less about rules and etiquette. Besides, I'm not sure why that part is even an issue for you. In your OP, you say you don't want anyone at the party that isn't on the guest list, but you don't indicate that you already know there ARE "outsiders" involved in the party....unless you mean the hookers and strippers and potential Thailand treasures.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelor-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:ae719143-0b5f-4595-b95e-42d7d12c3999Post:c194b7df-1c50-4149-9852-bbf378fdf3bf">Re: Bachelor Party - etiquette?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelor Party - etiquette? : Probably, but I think guys care less about rules and etiquette. Besides, I'm not sure why that part is even an issue for you. In your OP, you say you don't want anyone at the party that isn't on the guest list, but you don't indicate that you already know there ARE "outsiders" involved in the party....unless you mean the hookers and strippers and potential Thailand treasures.
    Posted by McKenna2012[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm just wondering about that part because his brother is going to use my FI's bachelor party as an excuse to throw himself a big party and invite all HIS own friends who aren't even my FI's friends.</div><div>
    </div><div>Seriously you guys have no idea WHO I'm dealing with. He refers to himself in third person and is a complete sleaze. I just dont trust that bastard, but I do fully trust my FI. I just don't want his Best Man to put him in a situation that will make him feel uncomfortable.</div><div>
    </div><div>And further more, to answer someone else's Q - my FI asked his bro to be his best man because, thats just how it is. He didn't want to start an issue by asking someone else and offend his big bro.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
  • McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Who has the problem with this whole thing, you or your fiance? If you're certain all this is going to turn into a big party for the brother, and your fiance is upset about it, it seems to me he should speak up and maybe even decline the party. If it's just you who is upset and stressing over "possibilities," then you need to go ahead and face your fear of being THAT fiancee and talk to your fiance about it. Otherwise, you're simply going to drive yourself crazy with the stress of this.

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelor-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:ae719143-0b5f-4595-b95e-42d7d12c3999Post:e72355a8-847f-467c-b0e5-34990676a721">Re: Bachelor Party - etiquette? I DO NOT TRUST HIS BEST MAN</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's not your problem. It's your FIANCE'S problem, because it's HIS brother. I presume, since you are marrying this guy, that you share similar personal values. If that's the case, then you can trust him. "Great balls of fire, little brother! What in the nine hells were you THINKING? I'd never participate in something so trashy, or demeaning to myself OR my fiance. Certainly I won't even THINK of cheating on my beloved, and for you to think for one moment that I would is completely disrespectful to both of us. I'm leaving!" See? If you're not sure that he'll do that, the you DO have a fiance problem, and should re-think your marriage before it happens.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Yeeah see, as much as I'd love for him to do that, that isn't something he's capable of when he's pissed drunk. That being said, he knows not to cross the line.</div><div>
    </div><div>For me, it's an issue with his brother. Most importantly, I do not want people there who are NOT invited to the wedding - it reflects poorly on both myself and my FI as we already feel bad about excluding certain people. And the other issue is, I want this to be HIS bachelor party NOT his brother's party. </div><div>
    </div><div>AND another thing - my dad, his step-dad, my male cousins, and male friends will all be in attendance. I do not want his brother's party planning to disrespect me or our relationship.</div><div>
    </div><div>I hope that makes sense. I'm Asian and he's White. It's a different ball game when it comes to customs and traditions. </div><div>
    </div><div>If I had it my way, I'd love to help plan his bachelor party - heck, I'd go and pick out the strippers for him if he wanted to do the strip bar thing. But I know my FI, he'd love to go camping, golfing and what not - he doesn't like the club/bar scene. </div><div>
    </div><div>Anyway.. I dunno, I guess I'll talk to him about it as the date draws near and get him to speak up to his brother about what he actually wants.</div><div>
    </div>
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelor-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:ae719143-0b5f-4595-b95e-42d7d12c3999Post:33819657-d2b0-48ce-8509-ff0213943a8f">Re: Bachelor Party - etiquette? I DO NOT TRUST HIS BEST MAN</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelor Party - etiquette? I DO NOT TRUST HIS BEST MAN : Yeeah see, as much as I'd love for him to do that, that isn't something he's capable of when he's pissed drunk. That being said, he knows not to cross the line. For me, it's an issue with his brother. Most importantly, I do not want people there who are NOT invited to the wedding - it reflects poorly on both myself and my FI as we already feel bad about excluding certain people. And the other issue is, I want this to be HIS bachelor party NOT his brother's party.  AND another thing - my dad, his step-dad, my male cousins, and male friends will all be in attendance. I do not want his brother's party planning to disrespect me or our relationship. I hope that makes sense. I'm Asian and he's White. It's a different ball game when it comes to customs and traditions.  If I had it my way, I'd love to help plan his bachelor party - heck, I'd go and pick out the strippers for him if he wanted to do the strip bar thing. But I know my FI, he'd love to go camping, golfing and what not - he doesn't like the club/bar scene.  Anyway.. I dunno, I guess I'll talk to him about it as the date draws near and get him to speak up to his brother about what he actually wants.
    Posted by sarahcandice[/QUOTE]

    All I'm getting out of this is:

    It's my fiance's party but here's the list of all the problems that **I** have with it.

    You aren't dealing with anything.  Your fiance has to deal with what will happen and the potential fall out. 

    I originally wanted to be on your side, but all I'm reading is how this affects you, how this upsets you, how you are up against the best man, YOU YOU YOU.  Good grief.

    Let your fiance deal with it.  Discuss with him the boundaries you are comfortable with.  Kiss him goodnight and let him be a big boy.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelor-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:ae719143-0b5f-4595-b95e-42d7d12c3999Post:f7fee26a-e930-4fec-925e-4ec7e66431ff">Re: Bachelor Party - etiquette? I DO NOT TRUST HIS BEST MAN</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelor Party - etiquette? I DO NOT TRUST HIS BEST MAN : All I'm getting out of this is: It's my fiance's party but here's the list of all the problems that **I** have with it. You aren't dealing with anything.  Your fiance has to deal with what will happen and the potential fall out.  I originally wanted to be on your side, but all I'm reading is how this affects you, how this upsets you, how you are up against the best man, YOU YOU YOU.  Good grief. Let your fiance deal with it.  Discuss with him the boundaries you are comfortable with.  Kiss him goodnight and let him be a big boy.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yes well if it affects him it affects me. I can't help it if I'm influenced by my own Asian culture - what he does is tied into what his bro plans for him which in turn may or may not disgrace me, disgrace my FI and our overall relationship.</div><div>
    </div><div>My FI calls himself "easygoing" so for him to 'speak up' about what he wants and doesn't want at his own bachelor party is unheard of. </div><div>
    </div><div>I had to casually send an email to his bro as a heads up - "Hey, I know you'll be soon busy planning the bachelor party so as soon as I start getting RSVPs back, I'll send you the list of names for you to start on the invites."</div><div>
    </div><div>I didn't get any replies, but he's a busy guy so it's typical to not get a response. I think.</div><div>
    </div><div>Anyway..yes it might seem like mememememe and "I" but honestly, even my FI tells me, its my big day! And everything to do with it does affect me and my family. </div>
  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You need to stay away from the Bachelor party, all it's going to do is create bad blood between you and your BIL.

    I'm assuming your FI has other groomsmen... if so, they will be able to tell his bro to slow down on the craziness.

    And, as PPs said, whether or not FI stands up for himself... this is all lhis problem. it's HIS problem if he ends up being uncomfortable at his bach party because he didn't stand up to his brother. it is NOT your problem...a nd if you field every problem that your FI has because he doesn't stand up for himself, then he's never going to LEARN to stand up for himself. By getting involved, you are enabling his spinelessness.

    No one's going to judge you for the ridiculousness of his brother, in fact maybe having older gentlemen there who are looking on disapprovingly will convince his bro to change courses midstream.

    And it doesn't matter if you don't trust his bro. Do you trust your FI not to sleep with a prositute? Do you trust him not to do anything that would hurt you? Then it doesn't matter if there are 10, naked, chocolate covered buxom beauties waving their ta-ta's in his face... because he'll probably close his eyes or look away or get up and leave or do whatever it is that would make YOU happiest. He is the only person you need to trust.
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  • blush64blush64 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I would in no way marry a man who had women of any sort at his bachelor party. I don't agree with it and I won't marry a man who does. I would cancel the wedding and sue him for half the money spent and if I only found out later, I would leave him. I am serious about those issues. That is just my opinion.
     
    To me it's not simply a matter of trust, it's a matter of respect and a man who respects me and our relationship will not be a part of those things. 

    It is up to your FI to stand up to his brother and let him know how things will be. If your FI doesn't want certain things at his bachelor party then they shouldn't be there. He needs to do this for himself. You should talk to him about your feelings and how he feels.
  • lcsnowflakelcsnowflake member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I entirely agree with what OP have said.  You shouldn't be so worried and involved in HIS party.  Also by the time the party happens, people who are invited to the bachelor party will know they weren't invited to the wedding.  I went to a bachelorette party and didnt go to the wedding... tacky? perhaps, but I had a blast!  I dont think you should worry about any of this and just let your FI deal with it.
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelor-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:ae719143-0b5f-4595-b95e-42d7d12c3999Post:03c04200-97fc-4642-b0d8-d0b61fe792c8">Re: Bachelor Party - etiquette? I DO NOT TRUST HIS BEST MAN</a>:
    [QUOTE]To me it's not simply a matter of trust, it's a matter of respect and a man who respects me and our relationship will not be a part of those things.  It is up to your FI to stand up to his brother and let him know how things will be. If your FI doesn't want certain things at his bachelor party then they shouldn't be there. He needs to do this for himself. You should talk to him about your feelings and how he feels.
    Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this.

    I would also not want to marry a man who is so wimpy that he cannot stand up to his own brother and say no.  If this is what BM is set on doing, and your Fi doesn't want it, then he needs to decline the party. 

    You say that your father and other male relatives will be at this party.  Can you tip them off ahead of time to what BM is planning, so they can be there to try to steer him onto another course? 
  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Unfortunately, you don't get much of a say in this-I guarantee you'll labeled a 'biotch', 'FI's mom', or a control freak if you were to say anything. It's not your party despite how big of a tool your FI's brother is. All you can do is trust your FI to have his head on straight. But it is concerning that he won't stand up to his brother, that's a red flag in itself.
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