Wedding Etiquette Forum

Adoption Fundraising Okay?

I was just lurking on TB and a thread caught my eye; a poster had asked about the proper timeline for doing an adoption fundraiser.  And to my surprise no one responded that a party to finance your adoption might be improper.  I guess I am just confused.  Are adoption fundraisers a "thing" that people do? 
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Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I have no idea, but it's not something I find okay.

    OT - I didn't know you were going to St John.  I'm so jealous. I miss it there.  Have a drink at Woody's for me






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Done and done! Best happy hour I've found down there.  =) 
  • I've never seen anyone do one in our circle of friends/friends of family/family. I'm not sure how I feel about it, if FH and I do adopt in the future, I wouldn't dream of asking someone else to help us. (I wouldn't bat an eye however at an approved adoptions baby shower/etc).
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    So true.  

    We do the St John 500.  Woody's, Beach Bar, Larry's, Quiet Mon, Joe's Rum shack and few others before heading back home.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I'm making note of all the other ones! I can't wait to check them out.  We felt like we got a little screwed on our HM because it literally poured rain 24/7 except for about 2 hours one of the days we were there.  Praying for better weather this time! 

    And, of course, I'd NEVER raise an eyebrow over a baby shower for parent waiting to adopt, but I just thought a fundraiser seemed to cross the line.
  • I saw some flyers last year at work for a friend of a co-worker who was fundraising for trip money to adopt a child in Africa. I don't really know how I feel about it. I myself would feel very uncomfortable asking for adoption money and would rather save the money myself.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Go to ZoZo's. They have the best sunset view. Pricey but worth it. Say "Hi" to John and Ben for me.  I miss them so.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I think its great, there are a lot of kids out there that need to be in good homes and there are people that want them and can't fully afford them.  If you look into adoption cost you'd be shocked, 50K isn't a high number in such a thing.  Its not look they are asking for help to buy a car or something, this is to take care of and love a human-being.  I'd help how ever I could.
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  • I second Zozo's.  And please have a few cocktails for me too!
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:0b8d5696-2500-4210-be8a-4e9d2ce52ce0">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Quiet Mon is my fav bar on St. John.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    <div>I use to work there</div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I've heard of it - so I don't know that it's uncommon -- but I don't really like the idea...

    going off of what someone else said -- it's expensive to HAVE a baby the natural way too -- or invetro (sp?) or any other complications!  I've NEVER heard of someone raising money for a "we wanna make a baby fund" -- and I wouldn't like it if I did!

    That being said -- maybe I'd feel different if I were in a different situation....
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  • I don't think I like the concept of a fundraiser to adopt a baby.  I know it's a good cause, but it's just not something I'd be comfortable asking other people to help me pay for, and I wouldn't want to be asked for $ to help someone else pay for it either.

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Let's see.  I bought the condo in 2004.  Sometime around 2005 is when I stopped working at the QMP.  I think it was just after 4th of July.  At that point I was only an on-call bartender anyway.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I'd be happy to contribute, so I guess I like the idea. Like, maybe a party with charged admission. I don't think it's really analogous to a natural birth since no one's medical insurance is going to cover the costs and I guess I do see it as partially a social good. I suppose natural births are too, but in a different way.

    But I don't know where the $50k number is coming from; my parents domestic adoption only cost $10k a few years ago. 
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  • One of my favorite high-school teachers that I've kept in touch with is in the process of adopting a baby (she's just turned a year old) girl from Ethiopia. They have a kinda-sorta fundraiser thing set up through a website that sells coffee from the region that the children that this agency works with are from. You buy the coffee and give the site her and her husband's account name and something like 10% of your purchase price goes to them and the rest goes to buying things for children that are in the orphanages. I bought some, but I can see how people might think it was a little weird. She set up a special FB group for adoption updates, but I only check it occasionally because it did get annoying when she got a little spammy about fundraising. 

    Del- I think the cost of adoption depends on a lot. Whether it's private or through the foster/public system, what kind of private agency you deal with, whether it's foreign or domestic. I know that my former teacher didn't meet her husband until a few years ago and she really wanted to adopt, in addition to not wanting to go through fertility treatments. She is on the outskirts of the age limit for domestic adoptions (she's in her mid-40s) so it was easier for them to go international, which tends to have higher age limits. I have another former teacher who adopted as a single mom, which is much much harder for domestic and public/foster care adoptions, so she adopted a little girl from Vietnam.
    image
  • If they can't afford the money to adopt the child what makes them think they can afford to raise the child??
    kitty8403
  • I don't think it's any stranger than fundraisers to get a kidney transplant or cancer treatment.  Like those things, adoption is crazy expensive and you never think it's going to happen to you.  I couldn't see myself doing it but I don't side-eye people who do, and if I care about them I'll usually participate in some small way.
  • ceh789ceh789 member
    1000 Comments First Anniversary
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:0ba0e636-bc68-48f8-994d-8a25ee678ebb">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If they can't afford the money to adopt the child what makes them think they can afford to raise the child??
    Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]
    That's like saying people who can't afford100% of the cost of their own maternity care can't afford to raise the child.
  • DelBride2012DelBride2012 member
    100 Comments
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:0ba0e636-bc68-48f8-994d-8a25ee678ebb">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If they can't afford the money to adopt the child what makes them think they can afford to raise the child??
    Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]
    If you have decent health coverage, the process of bringing a natural child into this world is significantly cheaper (like a lump sum in the 5 figure range) than adopting. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:82861224-cb34-4232-b4ae-c547eb1d8365">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think it's any stranger than fundraisers to get a kidney transplant or cancer treatment.  Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

    Without a kidney transplant or cancer treatment, the patient will quite likely die. Hardly analogous to not being able to afford to adopt.
    MollyandD
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:0ba0e636-bc68-48f8-994d-8a25ee678ebb">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If they can't afford the money to adopt the child what makes them think they can afford to raise the child??
    Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]
    I think the big difference is that when you raise a child naturally (or even through adoption) you're not having to pay literally thousands of dollars by the day of their birth. Parents undoubtedly have to buy far more than that in supplies, food, clothes, toys, etc. over the course of raising a natural born child, but would you be able to put $10,000 or more upfront? I don't personally know anyone who could do that, so I can understand how someone who wants to love and care for a child in need might need help to make that dream happen. If it were invitro, they might get assistance from their insurance, and definitely if they were pregnant naturally, but insurance doesn't help you with the costs of adopting a child. I understand why they did it, although maybe there's a better way for them to explain why they're fundraising, or disclosing what the money will be devoted to. Food for thought.
  • It would make me uncomfortable if it were friends of mine.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:4b68d091-f864-4e45-b05f-11073b56a40b">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Without a kidney transplant or cancer treatment, the patient will quite likely die. Hardly analogous to not being able to afford to adopt.
    Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]
    True. A stronger analogy would be fundraising for a church mission trip. Some people are going to think you're doing something very worthy and be happy to pitch in and even want you to ask/make it public that you're trying to get the money together. 
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  • freebread03freebread03 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:82861224-cb34-4232-b4ae-c547eb1d8365">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think it's any stranger than fundraisers to get a kidney transplant or cancer treatment.  Like those things, adoption is crazy expensive and you never think it's going to happen to you.  I couldn't see myself doing it but I don't side-eye people who do, and if I care about them I'll usually participate in some small way.
    Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah but those are things that someone has no control over-you don't choose to get cancer or need a new kidney. You DO choose to adopt (I do realize that you don't choose to be infertile, but being infertile isn't a life or death situation, whereas cancer or kidney failure sure the hell is).</div><div>
    </div><div>I just don't like the idea of fundraising to adopt--adoption is a wonderful thing (I myself am adopted) but it's a personal choice, and you should never ask others to pay for your personal choices IMO.</div><div>
    </div><div>Edit: I also don't think adults should be asking for others to fund their church (or other) mission trips.  But I'm also the person who has an issue donating to people's Team-in-Training Leukemia & Lymphoma Society half marathon or marathon fundraisers (but that's more because I spend a ton of money running races each year and I wouldn't dream of asking my friends and family to pay for my airfare and hotel to go to Hawaii to run a race).</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:0b8d5696-2500-4210-be8a-4e9d2ce52ce0">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : So then you'd be fine with a couple who conceived naturally having a fundraiser as well? I think the whole thing is bad form.  If you can't afford a kid, you should not be having/adopting one. NOLA, Quiet Mon is my fav bar on St. John.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]


    Not really, Its a huge difference.  I could afford to have a child now but I couldn't afford to have a child + $50,000 upfront.
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  • I would not contribute. I think it's another one of those "I WANT THIS NOW AND I THINK OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD PAY FOR IT!!!!!!" kind of things that make me barf.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:1832af03-90d9-4dec-9563-ea7feb937fd7">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Not really, Its a huge difference.  I could afford to have a child now but I couldn't afford to have a child + $50,000 upfront.
    Posted by ccarrion77[/QUOTE]

    And that's all well and good, but you would be choosing to adopt a child. Why should other people pay for a choice you are making?
  • This makes me uncomfortable. If for some reason H and I can't have a child we don't want to do IVF, but we talked about adoption. We wouldn't be able to afford adption off the bat if we decided to do that, but we certainly wouldn't reach out our hands to friends and family to ask for their help.

    Here's a thought. Instead of fundraising, why aren't people fighting to make adoptions easier/cheaper? There are so many children in the world that need loving homes, yet it gets harder and harder to put them in homes. Take VA for example. They just passed a bill saying adption agencies can deny applicants the right to adopt if they don't fall within their beliefs. (ie: homosexual partners, single mothers, etc.) So adoption agencies are now more worried about discriminating against loving homes than actually placing kids in said loving homes.
    image
    AzAnniekitty8403
  • I think it's in very, very poor taste. That being said, I would like to see adoption become easier and more affordable.

    I'll also agree that ceh's comparison is utterly ridiculous. A life-saving procedure is hardly in the same league as electing to adopt. And the "you never think it's going to happen to you" comment is absurd. Adoption doesn't "just happen" to anyone.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:ca1d4a1a-1851-477c-afcc-8e88132d8660">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Yeah but those are things that someone has no control over-you don't choose to get cancer or need a new kidney. You DO choose to adopt (I do realize that you don't choose to be infertile, but being infertile isn't a life or death situation, whereas cancer or kidney failure sure the hell is). I just don't like the idea of fundraising to adopt--adoption is a wonderful thing (I myself am adopted) but it's a personal choice, and you should never ask others to pay for your personal choices IMO. Edit: I also don't think adults should be asking for others to fund their church (or other) mission trips.  But I'm also the person who has an issue donating to people's Team-in-Training Leukemia & Lymphoma Society half marathon or marathon fundraisers (but that's more because I spend a ton of money running races each year and I wouldn't dream of asking my friends and family to pay for my airfare and hotel to go to Hawaii to run a race).
    Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]
    I went and found the thread on TB and if I found the right thread referenced in OP, it was specific to a church fundraiser. My church fundraises for all kinds of things: a family's house being destroyed in a fire and insurance not covering many things, mission trips, medical expenses... Adoption is right up there from my perspective. Particularly since many religious groups take stances on social issues that are particularly consistent with encouraging and supporting adoption. It hasn't come up in my church community before, but if someone didn't have the upfront adoption expenses but did have the money and ability to grow their family this way, I definitely think this is something my church would pass the plate a second time for.<div>
    </div><div>I guess that's a little different in my mind than emailing everyone you know begging for money, or facebook statuses asking for financial contributions, or things like that.</div>
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