Help! Dress Situation

omalleyj20 · October 2010

I have 8 girls in my wedding party (i have a big family)...we recently went to try on some different dresses and believe it or not, all the girls agreed on the same dress that they all loved and I loved also. The only problem is that one of my BM is worried that the dress may be too much money for her. I understand this and was thinking of helping her pay for the dress as part of my bridesmaid gift to her. Does this sound like a good idea? Or is it unfair to help her and not the others? Will she feel bad if the rest of the girls get other gifts but she doesn't because I chipped in for her dress? The rest of the girls are perfectly fine with the cost of the dress or we would have chose another one. Thanks for your help!

tldh · October 2010

I would kick in and help her buy it. Also, your BM gifts should be personalized to each bridesmaid, not a generic gift that is the same for everyone. There is nothing stopping you from still getting her a little gift as her BM gift.

ekilzer1 · October 2010

I think helping her with the dress is a great idea. Totally acceptable to contribute as part of your BM gift- (but not the whole thing).

kayakrunhike · October 2010

Go ahead and help her pay for it. I had four BMs- two were completely capable of paying for it themselves, one's mom paid for it, and I split the cost of the dress with the last one. It really meant a lot to me that she be there, and even though money was tight, I was willing to pop $100 to have her stand with me. And agree with PPs- it could be part of her BM gift, but make sure you still do something for her.

MairePoppy · October 2010

The bride should consult each bm, privately, about her budget and then use the lowest budget as a guideline. If you go over, make up the difference.
You should help the bm pay for her dress. Do not discuss the situation with anyone else. This should not be counted as her attendants gift, though, since you really should have made a choice that was affordable for everyone.

jessshirey · October 2010

Maybe you can check with the salon and see if they have any payment options for your friend. Sometimes they can pay half when ordering and then the rest when they pick it up. it might giver her some time to save

I think its fine if your ordering their dresses now. Whose to say that certain style which everyone likes won't be discontinued.

I would probably just help your friend out some. I think she would of felt bad if she was the only one to speak up and say something about the dress in front of all the girls. (peer pressure).

I wouldn't count that as her BM gift.

I know that it would of been nice to consult everyone on the price ahead of time but that doesn't always happen. There are numerous weddings I've been in and the bride has never asked that question.

lalap69 · October 2010

If you failed to ask for her budget or have picked a dress that is over her budget, then you should help her cover the cost and it shouldn't be part of her BM gift.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dress-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fbe4e0a9-578f-4803-8d6d-7e773c0f5599Post:14b6400e-bd00-4955-831f-6aa705f847db">Re: Help! Dress Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]If you failed to ask for her budget or have picked a dress that is over her budget, then you should help her cover the cost and it shouldn't be part of her BM gift.
Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]
Agreed. I chipped in $50 toward MOH's dress, because even though they were all picking their own, she just wasn't finding anything she could afford. I also chipped in for her travel expenses, because I really wanted her there with me, even if it meant cutting back in other ways so I could afford it.

deepcovejackie · October 2010

Yep, cover the part of the cost that she can't afford. It shouldn't be counted as her BM gift, because you chose a dress that she can't afford.

omalleyj20 · October 2010

Thanks for all your suggestions...part of the reason i'm trying to order the bridesmaid dresses soon is because I go to school full time and work full time so I'm trying to get as much done as soon as I can so it doesn't feel like so much later on. Also the store that we'd be ordering the bridesmaids dresses from is the same local store I got my wedding dress from (the girls then get a discount) and they close for about 2 weeks during the holiday season and then the shop owner said once january rolls around they get really busy so I would like to get our order in while we still have plenty of time to work with it. I also figured, we found one so why wait? But I don't want the discussion to focus on that..

I am definitely willing to help her out with the dress because it means a lot to me to have her be part of my day, I was just curious if anyone else had a similar situation and I see all of your points about still doing something special for her besides just the dress would be the right thing to do also. Thank you!

lalap69 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dress-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fbe4e0a9-578f-4803-8d6d-7e773c0f5599Post:ab4404e6-d7ba-4ff3-bef1-2967b59a2a9a">Re: Help! Dress Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all your suggestions..<strong>.part of the reason i'm trying to order the bridesmaid dresses soon is because I go to school full time and work full time so I'm trying to get as much done as soon as I can so it doesn't feel like so much later on.</strong> Also the store that we'd be ordering the bridesmaids dresses from is the same local store I got my wedding dress from (the girls then get a discount) and they close for about 2 weeks during the holiday season and then the shop owner said once january rolls around they get really busy so I would like to get our order in while we still have plenty of time to work with it. I also figured, we found one so why wait? But I don't want the discussion to focus on that.. I am definitely willing to help her out with the dress because it means a lot to me to have her be part of my day, I was just curious if anyone else had a similar situation and I see all of your points about still doing something special for her besides just the dress would be the right thing to do also. Thank you!
Posted by omalleyj20[/QUOTE]
You take care of the things that are your responsibility early on so you don't have as much work later. You don't dictate the schedules of what other people have to do. Purchasing the BM dresses is such a thing. I'm sure the store won't be sooo busy in January that they'll turn down your money then and reject your order. There's really no reason to order this early, especially if it's going to create financial problems for one of your BMs.

omalleyj20 · October 2010

Oh my, I'm not even ordering them right now! My original post had nothing to do about forcing anyone to do anything. Why can't I just get opinions on stuff actually pertaining to the question instead of what you may think is right or wrong. She asked me when she needed to have the money by and I said there was absolutely no rush because I am aware that I have time. The girls had actually been asking me when we were gonna go look at dresses because they were excited so there was no harm doing it whatsoever, it was what THEY wanted to do. Nor did I make them all place their orders before we left the store. We were simply throwing around ideas and I was simply asking about what people thought about helping her out with the dress. And thank you for the people who responded on topic. And if THEY are happy and excited to get the dresses then those are the reasons that it works out really well for me too.

AutumnFair · October 2010

I think lalap is just trying to make the point of that since your problem is dealing with a BM having money trouble currently, that the dresses technically don't have to be ordered right away since your wedding is in July which would give your friend some time to save up. Also we generally advise Brides to order as close (but with wiggle room for any major alterations) to their wedding date as possible just because if someone gets a dress that sits around for 6 months, a lot can happen in 6 months, most of time its people gaining or losing weight.

Also try not to stress too much about the BM's dresses. Once a dress has been decided its up to your BMs to get the dress, so there really isn't any need to put added stress on yourself since their dresses are not your responsibility.

But to answer your question at hand yes, you can help the one BM with her dress if she is having money troubles (and everyone is ok with getting the dresses now). My best friend actually bought her MOH dress because she was just out of school (masters) and had no job and very little money (which most went to loans). The other BMs including myself, totally understood the situation and was totally fine with the Bride's choice in helping the MOH.

lalap69 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dress-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fbe4e0a9-578f-4803-8d6d-7e773c0f5599Post:3aef6c6c-0ba1-4af9-af63-133f7bef6dbd">Re: Help! Dress Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh my, I'm not even ordering them right now! My original post had nothing to do about forcing anyone to do anything. Why can't I just get opinions on stuff actually pertaining to the question instead of what you may think is right or wrong. She asked me when she needed to have the money by and I said there was absolutely no rush because I am aware that I have time. The girls had actually been asking me when we were gonna go look at dresses because they were excited so there was no harm doing it whatsoever, it was what THEY wanted to do. Nor did I make them all place their orders before we left the store. We were simply throwing around ideas and I was simply asking about what people thought about helping her out with the dress. And thank you for the people who responded on topic. And if THEY are happy and excited to get the dresses then those are the reasons that it works out really well for me too.
Posted by omalleyj20[/QUOTE]
I gave you advice on that topic already earlier in the thread. But you were the one who came back to say that you had all of these super-important reasons why you wanted to order early. I'm sorry that I can't read your mind and know that that didn't actually mean you wanted to order early. However, as others have pointed out to you, these are public forums and you can't tell me what I can and can't post, as much as you might not want to hear it.

akcrrr · October 2010

This posting has just gotten out of hand.

IT IS YOUR WEDDING!
You do what you would like to do.
If that means you pay for 1/2 or all of someone's dress then do it.
No one else needs to know and it is totally your decision.

In response to people's comments about "forcing" and "making" I am assuming you asked all of these girls to be your bridesmaids and they all said yes. By saying yes they had to have known that there would be some expenses involved and if they could not have afforded to do it they could have declined.

I am assuming that your dress is not going to cost everyone $1000!

Another option that you do have, if you can afford it, is to pay for the dress now (if everyone is also ordering) and then have her give you the money back over time.

Help! Dress Situation

Re: Help! Dress Situation

Choose Another Board

Search Boards