Super sticky situation stuck and don't know what to do!

Re: Super sticky situation stuck and don't know what to do!

• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2012 edited November 2012

  Well, unfortunately you can't invite either one separately from their spouses.
  
  Since your parents on both sides won't let it go, I'd go ahead, invite these people, and tell your parents that these people will be expected to leave their issues with each other (as well as any others) at home.  Also have someone available to eject them from the wedding if necessary and seat them as far apart as possible. 
  
  That's probably all you can do if your parents are going to play hardball on this and you're not paying for your wedding.

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• achiduck member

  

  November 2012

  Who is paying for the wedding? If either set of parents are paying at all they get a say in the guest list. SInce it seems to be such a big deal to them I would invite the people in question and make sure they're seated at separate tables. You can also inform venue staff of any bad blood so they can keep an eye out for any disagreements. They're all adults and should be able to set aside their differences for a few hours.

  
  

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• Peledreamsofrain member

  

  November 2012

  Since you aren't paying for the wedding? Nothing. Their money their rules. And honestly, obessing over bedroom gossip isn't what you need to focus on right now anyway. People know how to behave at a wedding. Leave it be.

  Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten
  
  
  
  
  
  

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• cwaggoner07 member

  

  November 2012

  We had SOMEWHAT of a similar situation. H's parents divorced when he was 2 and his dad got primary custody, and quickly remarried J. H grew up in the home with his dad and J until they divorced when H was 16. There was no question whether or not to invite J, but H's mother said she would not come to the wedding unless we removed J from the invite list. H's mother and J do NOT get along, and never ever have.
  Because my parents, H's father, and H and I were paying for the wedding, she didn't really get a say, and we put our foot down and invited J anyways.
  J ended up not coming, due to the fact that she did not want to stir up drama. She was very apologetic, and neither H or I took it personally.
  
  My point is, they are grown ups, and if they decide to attend, then it is THEIR job to act like grown ups. I think you should extend an invite to both. Hopefully, they will understand that if they do attend, the other has a possibility to be there.
  If you are having a coordinator, you can also alert her to the potential tension. Before we knew J wasn't going to come, we had already warned our DOC that there could be trouble.
  

  It was a fairytale.

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• maggieandrey member

  

  November 2012

  Invite both. If they are both important to you/your family his/family then they shoud be included, regardless of this situation.
  
  This isn't a dig on you, but what all happened with them is none of your business, and I'd leave it at that in regards to your wedding, and not stress about it. They are adults and should act accordingly. Take a deep breath. You'll have plenty of other things to worry about.

  312 Invited
  182 Are ready to party!
  127 Will be missing out!
  3 Are MIA!
  

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• Simply Fated member

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_super-sticky-situation-stuck-and-dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae1b2c81-5437-4c98-958a-e6b91e81ccacPost:debaeb1c-d9e1-48a6-8c3e-71e5c2fc5bff">Super sticky situation- stuck and don't know what to do!</a>:
  [QUOTE]Backstory: My fiance and I have been together for 9 years and our parents all went to high school together (our moms are good friends and have been since middle school). Because of this, a lot of paths are crosssed between families and their friends. Now the issue. One of my fathers friends (who has been like a brother to him since he lost all 3 of his- he lived on our farm for years) who is now married and who's weddig I was a bridesmaid in, and one of my futuer MIL's close family friend (also married with children) had an affair recently (within the past year) and it came out not too long ago that this happened. Because of the circumstances of the affair and how it came out I am in NO WAY comfortable having all four of them there together for my wedding day, because I know that the entire time I will be worried about some sort of confrentation. Even if there is no confrentation I do not want any of that tension there, so <strong>basically having them all is not an option at all</strong>. My FI and I wrote up our first guest lists of our own before involving parents, and my families friend was on mine, and his mom's family friend was not mentioned on his. However now that his mom (who knows the situation) brought up that she was not on the inital guest list he is insiting on them being there (for his moms sake) and insisting <strong>its not fair to have my familys friend and not theirs since they were both responsible for the situation</strong>. I have been stuggling and struggling with this because I do somewhat agree, however<strong> I know I personally am MUCH closer to the guy in question than he is to his moms friend</strong>... I finally broke down in tears the other day after again being confronted by my future MIL about it and called my parents and told them I really have no other option but to not invite our family friends. Then it got even worse because my mom became extremely upset and my dad became very angry and said <strong>he is paying for the entire wedding</strong> and that our frien and his wife WILL be there. What on earth do I do????
  Posted by Burtonbaby145[/QUOTE]
  
  It is an option, you just don't like the option, which is understandable. Totally awkward, I get it.
  
  Both parties are equally at fault, so it is not fair nor right to leave one party out and not the other.
  
  It won't help to make this a contest over who is more closer to whom.
  
  Your dad is paying, so he gets a say.
  
  I'd invite them both and hope they'll behave like adults.

  
  

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• Burtonbaby145 member

  

  November 2012 edited November 2012

  Thank you to those of you who offered valid opinions without disregarding my comments about how I am not comfortable having them. I obviously do not want even the tension they would bing, even if they may not outright be confrontational towards each other and be kept apart at tables, etc. I also feel like I should not have to be worrying about it all day, and even though they are all adults I am still very concerned about what may happen and do not want that burden on me at my wedding so much that I was willing to not invite any of them, including the ones I am very close to. I am wondering how best to either lay this out for my dad so that he understands I can not have any of them there, or delicately impresses upon my future MIL that this is our wedding and about us, not her friends that she is concerned to exclude. I feel like she was able to have her own stress free wedding with who she wanted there and I deserve that same chance... I know that may sound bitchy but I really need to lay this out there. I am already stressed and super upset by this so I can't even imagine how this is going to be closer to wedding time and wedding day... Note: also, this is a fairly small 100isj person wedding in a very small venue so it's not like they can really be separated and kept apart and separated by lots of people...

  Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary. ? J.M. Barrie

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• bunni727 member

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_super-sticky-situation-stuck-and-dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae1b2c81-5437-4c98-958a-e6b91e81ccacPost:2b88c05e-8e6f-4668-9a72-fcef3fe66675">Re:Super sticky situation stuck and don't know what to do!</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thank you to those of you who offered valid opinions without disregarding my comments about how I am not comfortable having them. I obviously do not want even the tension they would bing, even if they may not outright be confrontational towards each other and be kept apart at tables, etc. I also feel like I should not have to be worrying about it all day, and even though they are all adults I am still very concerned about what may happen and do not want that burden on me at my wedding so much that I was willing to not invite any of them, including the ones I am very close to. <strong> I am wondering how best to either lay this out for my dad so that he understands I can not have any of them there</strong>, or delicately impresses upon my future MIL that this is our wedding and about us, not her friends that she is concerned to exclude. I feel like she was able to have her own stress free wedding with who she wanted there and I deserve that same chance... I know that may sound bitchy but I really need to lay this out there. I am already stressed and super upset by this so I can't even imagine how this is going to be closer to wedding time and wedding day...
  Posted by Burtonbaby145[/QUOTE]
  
  The thing is though, he is being incredibly generous by paying for the whole day. In order to have total control over your wedding, particularly the guest list,  you and your FI would have to finance it. The only way to go against your dad's wishes is to pay for the wedding yourself. 

  

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• rsanna member

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_super-sticky-situation-stuck-and-dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae1b2c81-5437-4c98-958a-e6b91e81ccacPost:f842dbff-059b-417e-84cd-be2f738ab809">Re:Super sticky situation stuck and don't know what to do!</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Super sticky situation stuck and don't know what to do! : The thing is though, he is being incredibly generous by paying for the whole day. In order to have total control over your wedding, particularly the guest list,  you and your FI would have to finance it. The only way to go against your dad's wishes is to pay for the wedding yourself. 
  Posted by bunni727[/QUOTE]
  
  Ditto this. And unfortunately once you start involving other people with your wedding it stops being solely about you. If you are already encountering resistance to your plan, I wouldn't be surprised if your Dad withdraws all funds towards the wedding.
  
  Completely unrelated, but Bunni, I love your dress and your sig pic.  You look gorgeous.

  
  
  

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• Kristin789 member

  

  November 2012

  This exactly:
  
  >>Since you aren't paying for the wedding? Nothing. Their money their rules. And honestly, obessing over bedroom gossip isn't what you need to focus on right now anyway.  People know how to behave at a wedding. Leave it be.
  
  You should not "lay it out" for anyone.  You should not "delicately impress" your ideas on anyone.
  
  Your parents are hosting an event, and they have made a decision about the guest list for the event they are hosting.  Period. 
  
  And if someone, like your insistent FI or his pushy mother tries to manipulate YOU about the guest list, you should say simply, "Oh, my parents are hosting, and I'm sure they are done with the guest list.  But you can call my father directly about this - he's home after 6:00 every night."  And leave it to his mom to call your dad. 
  
  It's been my experience that the older generation thinks they can push and boss and passively aggressively manipulate the younger generation, but when faced with having to call a same-age person, they drop the issue immediately.

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• bunni727 member

  

  November 2012

  Thanks, rsanna!

  

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• Burtonbaby145 member

  

  November 2012 edited November 2012

  Kristin, thank you so much for your post. My parents, mother especially, do not want the other person involved in the situation at the wedding and have flat out said she's not welcome, another part of the long story ha even though I am well aware that our family friend is just as guilty as she is in creating the situation. Especially since my mom and my FMIL are friends, next time she brings it up and confronts me about it I may just say I have given all my say and turned the guest list over to my parents and have her to call them to discuss it... I hate seeming like I am pulling the 'my family is paying for it' card but the truth is they are making them the hosts, and my FMIL hasn't offered to contribute beyond the rehersal dinner which i am still very very grateful for her doing, dont get me wrong. And she is absolutely able to invite whoever she wants there since she is hosting! Hopefully I can just let them handle it haha. Thanks again, I think taking your advice on this is by far my best route here!

  Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary. ? J.M. Barrie

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2012 edited November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_super-sticky-situation-stuck-and-dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae1b2c81-5437-4c98-958a-e6b91e81ccacPost:994d9287-f278-46bb-8cff-70f9d272c7bc">Re:Super sticky situation stuck and don't know what to do!</a>:
  [QUOTE]Kristin, thank you so much for your post. My parents, mother especially, do not want the other person involved in the situation at the wedding and have flat out said she's not welcome, another part of the long story ha even though I am well aware that our family friend is just as guilty as she is in creating the situation. Especially since my mom and my FMIL are friends,<strong> next time she brings it up and confronts me about it I may just say I have given all my say and turned the guest list over to my parents and have her to call them to discuss it...</strong> I hate seeming like I am pulling the 'my family is paying for it' card but the truth is they are making them the hosts, and my FMIL hasn't offered to contribute beyond the rehersal dinner which i am still very very grateful for her doing, dont get me wrong. And she is absolutely able to invite whoever she wants there since she is hosting! Hopefully I can just let them handle it haha. Thanks again, I think taking your advice on this is by far my best route here!
  Posted by Burtonbaby145[/QUOTE]
  
  I think this is your best course of action.  If your FMIL tries to be confrontational again, tell her she'll have to take it up with your parents and the subject is closed as far as you are concerned.

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