How to give my cousin a +1?

becky659 · June 2012

I don't want to offend anybody in my family, so I want to check here before I do anything.

My cousin (who is 30 or so) has never had a girlfriend that we've known of, but he has had this guy "friend" who attends family functions my cousin has been to (like two) over the past 5 years, even though they both live in Colorado and they had to fly to NC. My super conservative aunt and uncle have always introduced him as "Cousin's Friend."
We think our cousin is gay, but their family might be too conservative to actually say so.
My immediate family is 1000% fine with being gay and I really want his partner (if it is his partner) to be invited to the wedding.
But we're not sure of that because we're not close to my aunt/uncle and I dont want to offend anybody by asking if his "friend"= partner, because if he's not gay... I would be kinda mortified.

I'm closer to his sister (my cousin) than to my aunt and uncle, and I was thinking about messaging her and asking her. Is that awful?

Ordinarily I think the protocol would be to give him a "+1" but our wedding is very informal and we're close enough with everybody (else) coming to know if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend, and we know the bf/gf by name and put them on the invite as well/sent them an invite.

SO,
Should I try to ask somebody in the family, even though we're not close and it could turn into a really awkward conversation, or should I find a way to communicate a +1 on the invite, even though we don't technically have a formal way to do so? Any ideas for that? Could it be done on the knot.com website?

Habs2Hart · June 2012

Agree. Put cousin and guest.

Megbo2012 · June 2012

Cousin and guest. When he responds with & guest, ask for the name of who he is bringing if you are doing escort cards.

specialk84 · June 2012

I was in a similar situation with my uncle. I called him and let him know his friend was more than welcome. The outer envelope was addressed to my uncle, but I put both their names on the inner envelope.

Since you don't seem to be doing inner envelopes, either call your cousin and let him know he can bring his friend, address the envelope to Cousin and Guest, or stick a note in with the invitation to let him know he can bring someone.

jessicabessica · June 2012

It's fine to give him an "and guest" even though you're putting everyone else's guest by name--he won't compare invitations and figure out that he's the only one who didn't have his guest named.

I also think you're overthinking this. If you don't want to put "and guest," you could just call him and let him know that his friend is welcome to attend, and then depending on his response, you can add the friend to the invitation or not. You don't have to ask him if he is gay, if this friend is really a romantic partner, and then ask if he wants to bring him to the wedding.

OliveOilsMom · June 2012

Just think of it as your giving your Cousin a +1 because he has to travel to the wedding and it stinks to travel alone. So you are giving him the option. There doesn't need to be any awkward conversations. Just address the envelope to Cousin + guest.

jemmini6 · June 2012

Ditto PP's, just do 'cousin & guest'. Your wedding isn't the appropriate time to out him to his conservative family (especially if you don't even know for sure if he's gay).

chrmun · June 2012

Call your cousin. Say something like, "Hey Cuz. We're putting togethr our guestlist for the wedding. Would you like to bring Jeff?" If he says yes, then put Jeff's name on the invitation as well. If he says no, then don't. If his name is not Jeff, use his actual name.

becky659 · June 2012

Thank you so much guys. I know I'm overthinking it, I just wasn't sure how to handle the logistics of making sure that he knew his "friend", be it a romantic partner or non-romantic buddy, was/is welcome. Calling would be pretty obvious, but he's a really quiet person and I'm a really quiet person and we've never had a real conversation other than "Hi, how are you?"

So on the envelope (the only, outer envelope), I should literally put:
Tommy Jones and Guest
?

becky659 · June 2012

Thank you!

SarahPLiz · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-give-my-cousin-a-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae4953b2-ce6e-446b-a5dc-24e17dc2fdaePost:bf0921ef-aee3-4edd-92df-878e4a042c35">Re: How to give my cousin a +1?</a>:
[QUOTE]Call your cousin. Say something like, "Hey Cuz. We're putting togethr our guestlist for the wedding. Would you like to bring Jeff?" If he says yes, then put Jeff's name on the invitation as well. If he says no, then don't. If his name is not Jeff, use his actual name.
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]
This. Why not just ask your cousin if he wants to bring this guy. He might say no, but that he wants to bring Dan, and that's ok too. <div>
</div><div>My cousins are both out, but when they weren't, we still knew. And I wouldn't have dreamed of excluding one of them's "friend". Heck, I liked him a little more than I liked my own cousin. I wonder what ever happened to him....</div>

becky659 · June 2012

Oh, totally. My FI had a nice conversation with the "friend" and they seemed to get along great. He seems significantly more outgoing than my cousin, although I've never personally gotten to talk to him. I've watched him play with my other cousin's twins and he was awesome with them.

I'm assuming, here, that they are still together/friends/whatever they are, but I'm not even sure that they are, since I haven't seen them in a while. I can't remember his name, but I really wish I could. They seemed like they had been friends/together for a while. That's a major fail on my part.

I don't have his number, so I'd have to call somebody to get it, which seems more complicated than just giving him an "and Guest" on the invite, which allows him to do whatever the heck he wants.

MangoSong · June 2012

Cousin and Guest.

DMoore421 · June 2012

Definately just an "and guest " situation if i ever heard one... just also be aware that he may bring someone other than the friend you are speaking of..
if you are ok with that then invite the guest - if not then invite just the cousin -

either way you dont have to call and discuss with him before hand - send the invite -

How to give my cousin a +1?

Re: How to give my cousin a +1?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards